To ask adult to move seat for toddler

[Topsecretidentity]

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

Think DB is the one with the ‘tantrumming personality’. It’s not unreasonable for a 2 year old to sit where she has chosen and put her plate.
What an idiot!

First time poster here and not sure I’d ever want to post something here after reading some of these responses!
Reading some of these responses has left me feeling quite down. Where some of you think the OP is being unreasonable, you berate her and accuse her parenting skills as though you are all saints. By all means give her your opinion, after all that is why she posted this, but can we not be nice.
OP you sound lovely and it seems like there are quite a few good pieces of advice here for you. parenting is so hard already and nobody wants to be made to feel as though they are doing a bad job or in the process if raising a ‘brat’ as some posters are stating. It’s a learning journey. One that will never end and for one that we ALL will forever need guidance and support for. L I would say ignore the rude posts and hopefully this doesn’t put you off from ever asking for opinions again!

You lot sound like the type of people who would talk their child to hug a child they’d just slapped or bitten smh

@Eatdrinkbemerry that's AIBU, best to stay away if you're easily upset.

I think you were pandering. I think a toddler demanding 'their' seat after they have been playing is quite rude.

If you felt the seat was taken you should have said something at the point your db sat down, not ask him to move because your toddler decided she only wanted that seat.

@plasterboots
Wow. This is still a form of social media. I for one would like to think that any comments I post on any social media platform are not in a manner that could be rude or make someone (not saying OP feels this way) feel low or sad. Something I would definitely teach my DD when the time comes for her to be using social media.

Your kid sounds like a brat. The adult takes priority every time. It's called manners. Teach your child their place in the pecking order otherwise you'll make a rod for your own back.

I’m gobsmacked at the amount of people thinking YANBU. You absolutely are BU, and I’d think the same if it was an adult that had moved from the seat. Why you couldn’t have just told her to continue to play or sit on your knee for a little while is beyond me? She probably would have been up again in the next 10 minutes anyway. Given your brothers reaction, I doubt this is the first time a situation like this has happened.

@PreseaCombatir I say no to my three children a reasonable amount. I expect to.

But I don’t fob them off or treat them like they are worthless because of their age and immaturity. I parent them.
Parent as opposed to ignore/ inexplicably deny/ upset/

They are generally very well behaved and understand when I say no it means no because I give a reason: the consequence is not that they are sent to their room or expected to reflect and atone in quite the way an older teen or adult would.

@Eatdrinkbemerry that's all great, but you will find it's not like that on AIBU.

I'm just warning you, that's all.

Would you have said the same if an adult had put a plate there instead of your dd? If not then you're being unreasonable especially as your dd could have just sat the other side

@Cocoloco2019 I don’t think there are many adults who would do that at a family bbq they’d just shove up and sit elsewhere. But the two year old child has such a small world and wildly different parameters.

Actually if anything the brother is showing her that tantrums might get her her own way since he definitely threw his man toys of the pram

@Eatdrinkbemerry sadly, yes it has become a breading ground for sad keyboard warriors who get their kicks out of being ...well....just downright rude and abusive. I just ignore and feel sorry for them that it is the only way to get their kicks in life,

@plasterboots you are trying to break it gently

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness I think AIBU should come with a health warning.

I’ll bear this all in mind. I do love reading the posts and thought maybe I’d come in from the sidelines so please be gentle with me.

But I don’t fob them off or treat them like they are worthless because of their age and immaturity. I parent them.
Parent as opposed to ignore/ inexplicably deny/ upset

Okay, but irrelevant....
I said it’s pathetic how people are scared to say to their kids, and your response is to tell me... how you say no to your kids?!?
How you’ve turned that into ‘fobbing off’ or treating them as if they’re worthless is beyond me, please tell me how that’s relevant lol

@Eatdrinkbemerry do you own a hard hat.....it may be worth investing in one

No my response isn’t irrelevant in this context smarty pants since I am explaining how to be a decent and kind parent while still instilling valuable lessons
Also relevant since someone else had the temerity to actually write that their children were brighter than mine because they’d been disciplined into sleeping alone by 2 and also impliedly by their own brand of Dickensian room banishing techniques

There are many many ways to parent effectively without being heavy handed. It’s just a question of attitude and commitment to it

It was irrelevant to the point I made, and you highlighted my name.
If you want to make general comments, then just do that, and don’t @ people

Also relevant since someone else had the temerity to actually write that their children were brighter than mine
So @ them then, and not me

Your brother doesn't understand children but thinks he has a right to criticize your parenting? And people expect a two year old to have developed empathy? Sounds to me like your DB was deliberately attempting to wind her up, just to make a point. If she has traits that suggest OCD and he is aware, he's being a jerk. Perhaps he should explore his own triggers especially with the boy girl thing. Did he feel you got away with more than him 'because you were a girl' growing up?

@Eatdrinkbemerry I was shocked by similar when I first came across MN 15 years ago a couple of years back. You learn to avoid some bits of it. Others are lovely. When you need support, you'll find it here (though probably not on AIBU).

@PreseaCombatir no it is not irrelevant since your comment seems to be aimed at all of those who think the child was not the one whose behaviour was questionable in this context
I was asserting that those of us who thought this still say no to their children. It’s just that we happened to find the brother’s behaviour to be unreasonable more so than a two year old

I don’t like being patronised. I am not a two year old.

@PreseaCombatir I already did
Perhaps if you read the thread you would have seen this