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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask adult to move seat for toddler

530 replies

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:05

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

OP posts:

Vynalbob · 03/07/2019 18:05

Make sure you 'allow' a couple of tantrums to teach dd in public as otherwise she'll know when they will work. But not this time dB threw a tantrum. Tempted to say to dd "now that's the type of tantrum throwing dipstick you'll grow into if you don't learn to behave". Jk

ittakes2 · 03/07/2019 18:06

This issue is you asked him to move for her for 'her' seat - you should have asked him move for you so it was easy for you to feed her or you could have moved both of you. You are pandering to her.

MmeBoulaye · 03/07/2019 18:06

I’m with DB on this one. I have kids and there’s nothing more infuriating than a parent who doesn’t teach their child the art of compromising, even if they are just 2. You said there was an empty seat at the other side of you, so why weren’t you assertive with yr DD and just tell her to sit there? She’ll be a proper snowflake when she’s older if you’re not starting now with teaching her to deal with social situations. If there hadn’t been an empty seat next to you, then I’d be more on side, but you could surely have managed the situation better with your DB?

prettybird · 03/07/2019 18:07

You db sat down seconds before your dd came back, which was when people were called to to table. Presuming he saw your dd's plastic plate at the table, why didn't he sit in the free seat on the other side of you? So as well as him being unreasonable, perhaps you were slightly too, in not saying to him, "That seat is already taken by dd, as you can see from her plate"

Sounds like he was the one spoiling for a fight . And if he does follow the "example" set by your father when/if he has kids (how old is he?), I pity the kids

FWIW, ds wouldn't have been able to verbalise even "my seat, move" let alone anything more subtle at 2 as he was a late talker (3 before he started talking properly as opposed to some form of Serbo-croation ). And at 2, he did tantrum occasionally when out and about, as well as at home, but in general everyone commented on what a well-behaved boy he was. (My view was that if we were the only ones who saw the bad behaviour and that school etc said what a delightful boy he was, we were doing a good enough job and it was very reassuring hearing our neighbours having screaming matches with their kids on occasion, so that we knew we weren't alone )

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 03/07/2019 18:08

I was wondering why that couldn’t be the solution Lewji.

Although, if you sit in the place with the plastic plate and children’s cutlery you have to eat with the plastic plate and children’s cutlery. That should probably be enough to head off both tantrums.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 03/07/2019 18:08

The snowflake in this situation was the brother

If I saw a grown man behave in this way, talking about a “glaring” two year old, I would think it risible

Lweji · 03/07/2019 18:10

And only soft drinks too.

Needadvices · 03/07/2019 18:11

I think the problem lies in the way u have let ur DD talk to your brother. If one of mine commanded an adult like that they would be brought inside straight away , get a big telling of and be made to go back and apologize. And if a 2 year old talked to me like that whilst her mother did nothing i would be incandescent. Sounds like growing with no respect. If she asked nicely i imagine it wouldnt have been a priblem in first place.

IrmaFayLear · 03/07/2019 18:12

Perhaps the db was embarrassed. I can imagine if I went and sat down next to someone at a family event for a chat and then found I was in the toddler's seat and had to move it would be awkward. I wouldn't say anything and would leave, but I wouldn't be too impressed with the mother.

In fact this happened to dh. He sat next to his sil for a chat and her dd made a fuss about sitting there and was tugging at the chair. Instead of saying, "Now, Lucy, Attila and I are just having a chat, you sit in that other chair there for a moment," sil was simpering and saying Sorry! Lucy has to sit next to mummy so dh couldn't sit down.

Also, I had a tantrumming sibling, from childhood through to adulthood. Dm spent her whole life pandering to them, and the expense of anything and anyone. It really affected the other siblings. It taught me that you absolutely do not prostrate yourself to please a child. It doesn't help them, you, your spouse and especially not any other children.

sockatoe · 03/07/2019 18:17

It was her seat - her food was there, as was her mother who was supervising her. She's 2. An older child would perhaps be more reasonable and willing to move, but at 2, I think her and your reactions were totally reasonable, particularly at a family BBQ where you want her to be happy and adored by everyone. I'm sure your brother will change his tune as and when he wants to keep a toddler happy.

KurriKurri · 03/07/2019 18:26

I think that once your plate is set in front of a seat (and this was the case here I believe) then that is your place or your seat. I you are eating out with friends, get up to go to the loo, you don't expect to find some huge bloke has plonked himself in your seat because you were gone for a short period.

Your brother sounds like a first class knobber OP, and I'd watch the fact that he's favouring her baby brother and comparing - some people find it very hard when children get beyond the babay stage and start having their own opinions and voicing them, because some people hate being contradicted or disagreed with. I suspect your Db is fairly controlling.

Seriously what kind of tool makes a big deal about sitting in a kids seat and then initially refusing to move, then saying the child gave him evil glares? A massive tool that's who. If he gets up to fetch a drink - make sure someone parks their bum on his seat and see if he likes it.

Big grown up men who try to get the better of tiny children are about the most pathetic thing there is. 'Look at me, I got the better of a little girl, whoop de doo'. Tool.

Nettie1964 · 03/07/2019 18:27

Torn on this one DB acted like a prat. But why the fuss 2 yr olds need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them. When yr DB has children you could point that out. But yr dd shouldn't dictate. Sorry I have been to many occasions ruined by the rules imposed by children. Get a grip

Dawnofthebread · 03/07/2019 18:31

I don't think YABU, I'm an aunty so in that situation I might have asked for a "please" if my niece demanded the seat to remind manners but I would have moved.

blackteasplease · 03/07/2019 18:33

I cannot believe you are getting any responses other than your brother is a first class nob and a bully.

caringcarer · 03/07/2019 18:36

If the seat on the other side was free then your 2 year old could have still sat next to Mummy. You allowed her to make an issue out of nothing. You should be teaching her life is not always about getting exactly what you want and that sometimes compromises are needed.

SadOtter · 03/07/2019 18:40

There was a spare seat next to you so you were pandering a bit but as an adult your DB could have moved. I think the bigger issue is your child demanded her seat back and you don't appear to have pulled her up on it, there is picking your battles and there's letting your child get away with being rude, which is not doing them any favours in the long run.

I taught my children from very young that there is no such thing as 'my seat' because I remember how many arguments my siblings and I had over who was sitting in whose seat and I'm not dealing with that nonsense every meal.

Catsinthecupboard · 03/07/2019 18:41

Your brother is a jerk. And an awful uncle.

Tigger001 · 03/07/2019 18:43

I think the point here is that your DD didn't dictate anything or choose anything, you had allocated her a place and that had been stolen from her. If I was at a party and someone took my place so I wasn't sat next to my friend or DH, I would ask for that seat back.

Your daughter needs to be taught a clear lesson in manners and sadly your DB didn't lead by example.

Did you write a previous thread relating to him storming out with a present or something similar ?

LittleWalnutTree · 03/07/2019 18:45

There were enough seats for everyone, and he pinched a seat already taken by somebody else? It doesn't matter that it was only a toddler who had already chosen the place, he should have moved. The place was marked by her plate, just like we adults do by leaving a drink in our place.
I'm betting he wouldn't have sat there if a big burly bloke had left a placemarking pint there, would he?

Rtruth · 03/07/2019 18:45

DB has taken a child’s seat.... he should just get up.

browneyes77 · 03/07/2019 18:46

To be honest it’s your DB that sounds like the spoilt child to me!

Arguing with a two year over a seat? He needs to grow up!

mellicauli · 03/07/2019 18:47

A 2 year old will nearly always expect to sit next to their mother (or father). Not only does it make them feel safe but they often need help cutting up their food. They need to be taken to the toilet. They need help pouring water. They need reminding about washing their hands and table manners. Her plate was already set at table. Your brother's claim was just he wanted to sit there. Looks like he cornered the market in throwing a tantrum to me!

LetsGoMile · 03/07/2019 18:50

Pandering. This explains a lot about lots of entitled young children

ElizabethJacketDeLaGuerre · 03/07/2019 18:50

Oh, OP. I bet you didn't think this would create such a fuss. FWIW, I think you are overthinking it (and so are a lot of other people on this thread). When your DS's turn comes to be a tantrummy toddler, you'll probably just tell him to just sit on the other side of you in that kind of situation, without a single further thought. And if you have more than two children, you won't even remember who said what, when, or why...

PreseaCombatir · 03/07/2019 18:52

No wonder there’s so many spoiled brats about these days, reading these comments.
Pathetic how scared people are to say no to their children

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