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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask adult to move seat for toddler

530 replies

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:05

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 03/07/2019 10:04

It’s not about ignoring their feelings, it’s about not indulging tantrums or allowing them to be used as a way of getting what you want. There are numerous complaints here about adults having tantrums, maybe that’s because it was a productive way to manipulate people when they were children. It will be interesting to see what this generation of toddlers is like in 20 years time. My hopes aren’t high.

Lweji · 03/07/2019 10:12

The girl hadn't started a tantrum, so it's not likely she'd think she was rewarded by said nonexistant tantrum.
And she was right that it was her seat. She just wasn't polite enough, which is hardly surprising in a 2 year old, FGS. She just needs reminding and being rewarded for apropriate behaviour.

Any grown man saying a 2 year old gave him "the evil eye", or whatever, is simply pathetic.

AverageMummy · 03/07/2019 10:14

@Alsohuman there’s quite a lot of evidence demonstrating that once people get older, they look down on the next generation & the advanced made. There are books explaining the psychology of this & quotes along the lines of ‘this generation of children are ruined’ going back forever. It’s a combination of forgetting what it’s like to be & have small children & resenting change.

This is a quote from Socrates:

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2019 10:16

AverageMummy
😂😂 loving the Socrates quote. Ohhh the irony!

Alsohuman · 03/07/2019 10:17

Thank you for patronising me @AverageMummy. Socrates most definitely had a point.

AverageMummy · 03/07/2019 10:32

@Alsohuman it wasn’t intended to be patronising but interesting. I have autism & psychology is a bit of an obsession of mine.

Alsohuman · 03/07/2019 10:35

@AverageMummy, no problem. 🙂

AverageMummy · 03/07/2019 10:36

@Mummyoflittledragon when you see hundreds of them from all countries & ages saying pretty much the exact same thing it’s incredibly eye opening. There is also quite a lot of evidence showing increased outcomes by each era in all sorts of ways, health, education etc.

AverageMummy · 03/07/2019 10:37

@Alsohuman I get the patronising thing a lot so I do know it’s me ! I just can’t help when someone pushes my topic buttons & forget not everyone is fascinated in quotes & dates as me Grin - I now try to sit on my hands when it’s politics Grin

AnxietyDream · 03/07/2019 10:40

If I had left my plate at the table and returned as another adult was sitting down in my place I would have said 'Sorry, I'm sitting there' and expected them to move.

So your 2 year old was in the right. She didn't ask with perfect grace and manners, but she is two, so I think that's asking for a bit much.

In your shoes I would have told my child not to demand and that DB didn't realise it was her seat, then turned to DB and said she was sitting there (showing the plate if necessary). I.e. I would have made it clear that I regarded it as her seat, and if he had a problem with that his beef was with me not my child.

It sounds to me like you DB was looking for a reason to have a go at your parenting/put your 'pandered' child 'in her place'. Pathetic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2019 10:50

@AverageMummy
You’ve completely got the wrong end of the stick. I’m agreeing with you. I know I didn’t elaborate but I was referring to your comments on studies about what the older generation saying about the children of today for if what Socrates said were true, society more than a millennia later would simply not exist.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 03/07/2019 16:35

@Cyrusc agree entirely

This isn’t parenting. No, it is lazy autocratic abuse of “power”, the sort of thing that often bequeaths a terribly damaging legacy.

Kashali · 03/07/2019 16:40

YABU you don't give in just because you want to avoid a temper tantrum, you teach them that throwing a wobbly gets you nowhwere.
The saying is on yer feet lose your seat.

Liketoshop · 03/07/2019 17:26

Mmmm, you're sending a clear message to your child that they come first over an adult sitting down and they'll kick off royally if you don't pander. Let them kick off, walk away. I loathe how parents refuse to tell their kids to hi e up tbrir seat to an adult, it's such bad manners. In Madrid metro recently, kids and teenagers automatically stood up for elders.

Liketoshop · 03/07/2019 17:29

Anxiety Dream it's not an right to keep a seat because you leave it for any reason!! It's not an entitlement and odd you feel this way.. Its a social event. Maybe walking and socialising would be a better choice?

IABUQueen · 03/07/2019 17:30

I’m shocked T the result of the vote... I don’t think YABU at all so cant see how it is a close one.

I would’ve done exactly the same and so maybe I’m also spoiling my 17 month old.

Alsohuman · 03/07/2019 17:35

The only legacy it leaves is an adult who behaves in a civilised manner. It’s the under 30s who make the highest demands on mental heath services, not the generations who were firmly and fairly parented.

EllenMP · 03/07/2019 17:36

Do not for one second worry about what this brother of yours thinks. He is completely in the wrong and not having children is not an excuse for not understanding how parenting works. You are in the right and all right-thinking people would agree. Most 2 year olds would be unsettled by not being placed near a parent at a dinner party, and most two years are not great company if you unsettle them. Tantrums are normal, and your parenting strategy will see you through them. Pander away where your daughter is concerned, because we al need to do what we need to do to get by. But don't be tempted to pander to HIM.

Also, your daughter clearly bagsied the place next to you by having her kiddy plate there, and your brother does not even have the etiquette of a five year old if he doesn't respect the bagsy.

cushioncovers · 03/07/2019 17:40

Why didn’t you just move one seat along so she would have been sitting on the same side of you as before?

^^ this

Lweji · 03/07/2019 17:43

Why didn’t you just move one seat along so she would have been sitting on the same side of you as before?

Maybe it wasn't available. Or (shocking) the brother should have moved instead of taking a child's place.

Lweji · 03/07/2019 17:46

It’s the under 30s who make the highest demands on mental heath services, not the generations who were firmly and fairly parented.

Because they were told that only people with serious mental health illnesses should seek help?

I'm glad the under 30s seek the mental health services. It doesn't automatically mean that the previous generations were healthier. Probably the opposite.

sonjadog · 03/07/2019 17:51

The OP said the seat was available.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 03/07/2019 17:51

That mental health services argument is ludicrous. The reason is largely because mental health is no longer seen as a taboo and something to be brushed away under the carpet. A bit like a naughty child. I dread to think how many previous generations were condemned to suffer with their “nerves” in silence. Or doped up to the eyeballs

Actually the people who I have grown up with and who were the wildest and have had the most chaotic lives are those who were brought up with a rod of iron. Regularly sent to their rooms, told to be quiet, to do as they were told. Didn’t make them cilvilsed it made them resentful and unsure of themselves.

Lweji · 03/07/2019 17:54

The OP said the seat was available.

Great. Then he could have taken it or move without displacing a young child or making his sister move. Smile

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 03/07/2019 17:59

@IABUQueen it’s a bit weird really, because I am quite certain some of these posters who think the OP isn”pandering” would consider many other “controversial “ aspects of parenting : smacking, cry it out, cleaning every bit of food from the plate, transferring frustration / shame over not sharing, of not being potty trained etc etc quite rightly as child abuse.