To ask adult to move seat for toddler

[Topsecretidentity]

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

I’m not sure if this has been said or not, but why on earth didn’t you just tell your brother that that was her seat when he sat down? It seems a lot of this could have been medicated at that point.

I absolutely redirect my adult brothers when they sit in the seats my children had planned on sitting in.

Mentioned. Damnit

I give up.

YABU to let your daughter 'demand' anything.

@Alsohuman yes, a very young child certainly under school age
It’s pointless certainly with a two year old.

There is a fine parenting line between being firm and being over the top and nasty

@Lweji I suspect you are right in that he did know it was that seat. Especially with the kiddy plate there

There's always a chance he hadn't noticed the plate, I suppose.

Well, yes I suppose so. Especially since he seems to have his head firmly lodged up his arse

It’s hardly over the top and nasty to send a child to its room. Moreover it works.

Oh bore off with your banishing a tiny child to their bedroom. At two I was and probably will still be co sleeping with another of my three.

Sending a two year old or even come to think of it a preschooler to a bedroom to reflect and cool off is pathetic because they will never grasp why you are doing it.

But they do. Perhaps mine was a bit brighter than yours? And sufficiently independent to sleep in his own bed.

Wow

You are now suggesting that a co sleeping child is less bright then a non one

Shall I get the popcorn now or in a little while

You have made yourself sound even more peculiar

ODFOD.

The two year olds in the nursery I work in occasionally have to do reflection time for two minutes with the sand timer if they are still choosing not to cooperate after all other strategies have been employed. It works quite well. Not all 2 year olds are like babies. Most of the ones I look after are bright articulate and have good comprehension and language skills. I get really irritated at this insistence that toddlers can’t possibly understand anything and need to be babied all the time.

@Alsohuman You are a bit of a sad sack aren’t you.
Resorting to that sort of shit with me.

I agree with your brother

Learn how to distract and diffuse before the tantrum starts rather than pander, especially if other adults in your family aren't very good/supportive in the type of situations.

@missyB1 I totally agree: and on the basis that toddlers can be cognisant of their own particular idiosyncrasies, I would agree that there are a wide range of strategies to employ. I would also add though that I am glad you use the word occasionally, since
I have to tell you though as a mother to three who have all been at nursery aged 2 or thereabouts, if you were frequently resorting to that kind of technique I would wonder if you were equipped to deal with challenging behaviour.

As you say it is a last resort. Although if some Dickensian folk on here would have you believe, if the child is still co sleeping st coming up to two they re doomed anyway be “a bit less bright” so you can do what you want.

Just wondering how many parents on here would like a banishing bedroom at nursery to deal with all these tantrums

I would like a banishing bedroom for staff to retreat to when we are sick of entitled rude children

The thing that has irritated me throughout is all the posters saying “DB was unreasonable because of course the child should be next to her mother”.

FFS. Read it. The other seat was free!! He was not keeping child or mother apart from one another. AT ALL.

@missyB1 just as well we don’t know what nursery you work at then eh?

Some people are so bumming marvellous with their strict parenting aren't they!! I totally get where you are coming from.

I would have corrected to manners and told her to ask nicely, then said to DB 'she does have a point though, it is her seat!' i.e. move it!!

Just caught up on this thread. Lol at Almosthuman.
My mother also could have boasted the same with me and sleeping alone. She does not have good emotional intelligence. Dd incidentally did so too at this age. Not so much when she got older and refused after an incident when she was about 7. What a child will and won’t do is individual.

Had I shut my dd in her bedroom at 2, she would have been severely traumatised. I still will not use this method at 11. She is a child, who needs “time in”, not “time out”. Being unable to understand different children need different approaches doesn’t show good emotional intelligence. Neither does telling posters your child has cognitive ability well above their age. Your dd is more likely to be compliant as I was. That’s not something to boast about.

It’s hardly over the top and nasty to send a child to its room

I would say it is cruel to isolate a two year old and it's inadequate parenting. They need your help to regulate their emotions at that age, not the withdrawal of your love and support. Helping them through these outbursts is not synonymous with "pandering".

It's worrying how many parents are saying they don't "tolerate" tantrums. Pick up a child development book, you are potentially harming your child and setting them up for mental health issues throughout their life if you consistently chastise/isolate/shame/ignore their feelings. You don't have to "give in" to the demands but you have a parental duty to guide them through. Sad for your children.