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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask adult to move seat for toddler

530 replies

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 23:05

Family bbq. Table prepped and my 2 year old DD sits next to my seat so I put her plastic plate there. After a short while, DD gets up to play for 10 mins. We're all called to table as food ready. DB sits by me in the seat previously chosen by DD. DD gets to the table and demands her seat back from DB and according to DB gives him an "evil glare". I know DD is about to throw a tantrum so I ask DB if she can have her seat back. DB argues it's not her seat and he's not getting up for a spoilt child. Eventually he gets up after a big row.

Later he tells me that my parenting is bad and I'm pandering to DDs tantrums. I try to explain that choosing my battles when DD is about to tantrum at an adult bbq is not pandering but keeping the peace. DB says I'm defensive about my parenting and should accept my errors as I've allowed my 2 year old to develop a "tantrumming personality".

I know this is so childish but I'm upset at the criticism. Not sure if this is relevant but DB has no children and my child is his only experience of toddlers.

So question is, WIBU to ask DB to move out of the seat DD had chosen earlier? Or should I have moved DDs plate to another seat and just accepted the ensuing tantrum?

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 02/07/2019 09:48

Who would want to eject a 2 year old form her seat next to her mum at a family meal? So mean!

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2019 09:51

Wow that's long. I still think your DB was being an arse - and looking for an opportunity to have a go at you.

Children learn by example. If adults treat them disrespectfully, they copy. As your DB has done.

Ihatehashtags · 02/07/2019 09:52

OP why didn’t you get your daughter to sit on the other side of you?? You are the adult and her parent. You were completely unreasonable and acted pathetically. It’s probably it the first time you’ve done things like this based on his response.

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2019 10:07

Whilst i don't necessarily think you did the right thing (and I certainly wouldn't like a 2 year old demanding that I move) I dont think it's such a clear cut decision as some on this thread make out.

I once visited a house where I wasn't allowed to sit on the sofa because toddler said no, that was ridiculous. But I think most parents have changed the way they do things to avoid tantrums sometimes, esp at big events.

It certainly does sound as though your dd has various sensory things going on and is more rigid than normal (even for a toddler). It would be worth keeping an eye on that and, if she doesn't grow out of it, your db is going to have to change his expectations.

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 02/07/2019 10:08

I'd have told DB to shift himself as soon as he sat down, before DD even noticed. I was brought up in an age that believed that children should be seen and not heard and I always resented that - I was a human being with feelings too!

Work on your DD's tone, etc, by all means but she is only 2 and hasn't the experience or maturity to get it right most of the time!

Work as a team of two in the meantime to teach her how to do this. Eg you say "Uncle X, we decided earlier we wanted to sit together and put our plates on the table here, but there's a seat facing us so we can still chat. What do you say (DD)? Use your manners and ask Uncle X to change seats please". DB would be the petulant one if he refused!

Two year olds need to be nurtured while learning life skills like this. Not dismissed as low down in the pecking order.

Have a quiet word with DB when you're next on your own, tell him that you don't appreciate his criticism of your parenting in public and you are still learning. By all means, you welcome his suggestions but not at a family party in front of other adults and children. Children (at that age) believe their parents can do no wrong so it confuses them when they see another adult contradicting them. Discretion is key!

KarmaStar · 02/07/2019 10:41

I wonder what the dc learnt from that situation.

TurquoiseAndPurple · 02/07/2019 10:42

It sounds like they were both being childish. However, your DD actually is a child and your DB was making excuses and nit-picking at you because he didn't get his own way.

missyB1 · 02/07/2019 10:56

I wonder what the dc learnt from that situation
Well she learnt that she's allowed to be rude and demanding in public because her mum will do anything to avoid a scene.

Heads up Op, people dont mind hearing parents address their child's behaviour. They do mind having to listen to rude entitled kids.

Pinkwink · 02/07/2019 10:58

Two year old could easily sit on your knee but I do agree, you pick your battles with toddlers. Much easier for him to switch seats than for everyone to deal with a toddler tantrum.

MadameButterface · 02/07/2019 11:02

She’s 2, what’s his excuse? Hmm

Guavaf1sh · 02/07/2019 11:06

I agree with those saying it is bad parenting and sets a bad precedence for bringing up a spoilt child

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 11:08

I’m surprised there are people who think it’s ok to have a ‘big row’ in front of their child & eject an adult from a seat because ‘I knew she’d have a tantrum’. The lesson she’s learnt from this is it’s ok to walk over ‘glare’ & ‘demand’ people move, if they don’t her Mum will also join in!

When my son was that age he did the exact same thing to someone on a train. The lady apologised & offered to switch seats but I said not to & explained to him he can’t behave like that. He carried on ‘glaring’ at her through the journey - but it’s just a life lesson for a toddler that they can’t have all of their demands met. I just can’t imagine you’d have demanded someone move from a chair when there are plenty of others including right next to you - if they weren’t your annoying brother. You felt entitled to demand he move & had a tantrum to force him to. I can’t imagine the toddler learning anything except that being completely normal behaviour for getting demands met.

ChocChocButtons · 02/07/2019 11:12

He’s right you are pandering to her tantrums.

HoppingPavlova · 02/07/2019 11:14

At first I thought the DB was unreasonable as the majority of 2yo’s would want to sit next to their parent. However as it seems the seat on the other side of OP was free (so child would have also been sitting next to parent there instead) I’m now on team DB.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 02/07/2019 11:15

Pandering to her? She was allowed to chose a seat, her plate was placed there next to her mother.
Your brother is the spoilt one here.
Fucking twat

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 02/07/2019 11:20

Personally I cannot abide adults who treat young children with scant regard for their feelings. Like they are so worthless they’re off the food chain , pecking order whatever.

It says more about them than an upset toddler. And none of it good.

I don’t pander to my children I value them and I would never fob them off just to appease some sulky adult. Where were the brother’s life skills here?

Alsohuman · 02/07/2019 11:26

Personally I cannot abide small children who think everyone in the world takes second place to them and they only need to have a tantrum to get their own way. It makes for deeply unpleasant adults.

scatteredglitter · 02/07/2019 11:40

You need to listen to Phillipa perry on ferne cotton s podcast this week- she s talking about exactly the situation you are in. Toddler overstimulate and exhausted busy family party, mum responding to the individual situation - it s not a win or one up mamship or showing them who is boss, it s about all your child is capable of at that moment and the right response to the situation now.
Phillippa says 'We need flexibility problem solving skills and a tolerance for frustration' . Maybe your brother needs to lean some of these and watching you deal with your toddler in an empathetic kind way and how you model these skills for and to your child.
(The podcast is well
Worth listening to - I haven't read phillippas book I tend to)
My opinion is that your brother needs a bit of life experience and to cop on and support your parenting, or just keep quiet. His response is unsupportive and unkind to you and your dd and also shows absolutely no insight into small children or their world and no tolerance.
His attitude speaks volumes about himself rather than you. The mere fact that this caused a family argument is bonkers - again goes to show just a general lack of understanding:

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 02/07/2019 11:50

@Alsohuman what a bit like her brother who also thinks a bit of smacking should sort her out

If a person can’t deal with a child without being a shit towards them then they are the ones that need to adapt. A child of two is often not having a tantrum sometimes trying to articulate themselves and frustrated because they can’t or they don’t understand. You don’t have to disappoint them or dismiss them when their behaviour is caused by the petulant antics of another particular if it is an adult

Alsohuman · 02/07/2019 11:59

No adult should have to tolerate a small child’s rudeness. Tantrums weren’t allowed in my house, the first sign of one meant mine being being swiftly despatched to their room until they behaved. Strange to say, we had very few tantrums. If they achieve nothing, they very soon stop.

missyB1 · 02/07/2019 12:04

“No dd that’s not how we speak to people. Use your kind voice and ask Uncle X if you can please sit there”

Or

“No dd that’s rude, you forgot your kind voice. Now sit next to me on this side instead and let’s eat.”

Job done no need for a scene. If she tantrums then remove to a quiet place to calm down with an explanation of why the way she spoke was wrong.

It’s not rocket science.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 02/07/2019 12:12

You are avoiding my observations about the adult behaviour which may cause it, specifically in this incident.

If I saw you pander to your spoilt brother at the expense of your own child - who as a grown man should have had the grace and maturity as well as some might say kindness-to not needlessly cause a young child distress - then I would think you needed to reconsider your approach to parenting and the lack of respect for your own child which they will increasingly pick up on.

I don’t not dispatch my children room if they throw a tantrum. Which they rarely do. I try to understand why they are doing it and even if it is over something nonsensical or unacceptable I rarely punish them in the traditional sense. I don’t see that as anything other than a sign they have won in that I have displayed an overly emotional response. Sending a young child to their room is cruel in my view and it does not educate them or change their mindset.

It is far worse to send your child a message that when they do something they “shouldn’t” you will not be tolerant or approachable. It does not bode well in terms of the challenges they face growing up.

LL83 · 02/07/2019 12:15

What should have happened

Toddler wants db's seat

Mum says "uncle is sitting there come and sit in this seat"
Toddler whinges and DB says "shall I give her the seat? " being cautious not to undermine you. You choose to have the battle or say "thanks db. Xxx ask uncle nicely and you can have seat"

KatherineJaneway · 02/07/2019 12:20

She’s 2, what’s his excuse?

He can't abide rude children I imagine.

missyB1 · 02/07/2019 12:20

Oh dear, it really isn’t being disrespectful to a child to expect them to speak politely and use their manners. They rely on their parents to teach them that. Not doing so sets them up for social difficulties. The brother in this scenario was just sitting on a chair minding his own business when a 2 year old cane over and spoke to him rudely. He might well have let her have the chair if she hadn’t been allowed to be so rude. I certainly wouldn’t have moved until she said please.