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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 01/07/2019 14:11

‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

It was very unreasonable of you to have one of these babies that can't care for itself after a long week. All the other parents get to have relaxing weekends, yet your baby still demands to be fed, changed, and interacted with. I can understand his horror...

What does he want to happen? Has he made any suggestions or just (practically literally) dumped the baby in your lap to deal with? I assume he's not so simple minded he expects the entire structure of the NHS to change to accommodate his wishes. Does he want you to give up work altogether, does he want you to get a job in a shop? It's pretty clear he expects you to be the primary caregiver seven days a week. And in that case, I think you should co-sign the sex ban. Another child would be another responsibility he would expect you to shoulder alone.

(Unless you divorce in future of course, then you may well be surprised by a demand for 50/50 care. Looking after your own children becomes much more appealing when it cancels out a maintenance claim...)

itsboiledeggsagain · 01/07/2019 14:11

If you go to bed what tiem are you back up? By lunchtime at the latest I guess? That isn't that bad really

Seaweed42 · 01/07/2019 14:12

Unfortunately this is the dilemma many of us have found ourselves in. Trying to juggle work and childminding and stay the exact same as you were. Sometimes it's not possible for both of you to progress in your careers and mind your children the way you wanted them minded.
Children won't just fit into people's work schedules.
Is there a case here for giving up work for 3 years while your kids are small. Or will the kids end up with two really stressed out angry and resentful parents who are at each other's throats all the time.
Or taking a different part time job for those years. Then go back and do the training you want to progress when the kids are over this intensive baby stage. Then have the other baby now as part of that plan.
Minding a 3yr or 4yr old is much easier than a baby.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2019 14:16

Why are you pandering to him?

He's a father. He needs to act like one.

Coyoacan · 01/07/2019 14:17

I think looking after his own child will be the making your dh.

But as regards I can barely cope as it is without the added stress of essays and exams on top of that. A colleague of mine is doing the training course now

Children do get a lot easier to look after. By the time your child is four, you'll be shocked at how relatively little work they require.

Dragongirl10 · 01/07/2019 14:17

He really needs to grow up..he is a man child, what did he think having a child was going to entail?

Stop picking up the slack for him, and make sure your contraception is bullet proof as having another child with him would be a very bad idea.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/07/2019 14:18

Why are YOU paying for childcare, it’s a joint outgoing!

And as for him not looking after his dc, well tough shit really, he’s a parent! Carry on doing the shifts you are.. you don’t get to opt out, so he can’t either.

Wtf would happen if you weren’t around and he was a single parent? You don’t get ‘time off’ as a parent

FriarTuck · 01/07/2019 14:20

I am really sorry but this doesn't look good at all. It's hard while they are little but it gets easier. But if he crumbles now, I think this is a very, very bad sign for the rest of your marriage. I would have a long, hard talk with him and consider ending the relationship if he cannot or will not step up.
Oh FFS, talk about a drama queen! The DH had a tough weekend, moaned about it to get it off his chest and has seemingly moved on. I do wonder how some people manage relationships if they're prepared to quit at the first hurdle.
Bear in mind OP that he's probably also thinking that it could be like this every weekend (or plenty of them), not just him doing the childcare but not seeing you much and having little quality time as a family. When you're already feeling a bit p'd off it can be those sort of thoughts that turn a bad one-off into a 'my life is ruined' catastrophe.

Settlersofcatan · 01/07/2019 14:23

Every mum i know pays for their childcare as there money is extra and their dh and them have budgetted on the different salaries.

Every mum I know earns a similar amount or (this will probably shock you) more than their husband so their salaries are not "extra".

However you organise your banking/expenses, I think it's weird to think of the man's money as real money and the woman's as extra lady money. It's all money at the end of the day and men need childcare to work just as much as women need the electricity bill paid.

G5000 · 01/07/2019 14:30

Every mum i know pays for their childcare as there money is extra

Where do you live, 1950's?

dinnerpartyhell · 01/07/2019 14:31

Its a damn shame your dh didn't realise that having children generally means you are going to be extremely tired and busy for years and years.

Clearly he has got very very used to you doing it all op, and now he is kicking off because he is actually having to parent now.

This is a very bad sign, and the fact that he is now actively avoiding intimacy with you because he hates being a parent so much.

I would never consider having any more children with a man like this, if he is falling apart at one, he is going to be impossible with two or more.

I suggest you tell him to man up and get on with it. There is not an opt out with dc, if you were to leave him he would have more parenting to do, not less, so he should ponder that thought.

Op he does not 'adore' dd if he does not want to even spend time with her. It seems to me, his needs come before everyone else's including a one year old baby! A continuation of this would be a dealbreaker for me.

PrincessLouis · 01/07/2019 14:35

I actually think when the mum goes back to work is the hardest bit of having a baby - harder than labour! Suddenly it feels like two people, three jobs! I think a lot of people - men and women - find this stage very tough.

I don’t think just telling him to man up is going to get you where you want to be. I think you need a proper conversation in which you can both share your thoughts, hopes etc. My practical thoughts are:

  • Does your baby sleep well at night and at nap time? If not focus on this. Everything feels overwhelming when you’re tired.
  • Is there a class / activity your husband and baby could do together on a Sat? I think giving the day a bit of shape can help. Could also tire baby out for nap time eg swimming.
  • You both need some downtime. If the baby reliably goes to bed at say 7pm could you each have one or two nights a week when the other one does bedtime and they are off duty from say 6 - could join a club, go for a run, see friends etc. It’s important to feel like a person not just a parent.
  • Do you have / can you get some help eg cleaner, babysitter so you can go out together once a month.
  • Please think hard before giving up the training. The extra cash could pay for a cleaner or a few treats to brighten things up.

It gets easier but I do think you need to listen to him on this. I’m sure you felt overwhelmed when you first had the baby, that’s how he’s feeling now. He’s (probably) not just a selfish bastard Flowers

justasking111 · 01/07/2019 14:38

I paid for childcare when needed, OH paid for everything else. I used my money to pay for things for the children, things for me, treats for the family. OH did pay into the joint account for food as well. I think I had more disposable income than him at the time. We both saved into a savings new house account over the years which enabled us to move up the ladder.

ddl1 · 01/07/2019 14:43

It's his child too! How selfish of him.

cestlavielife · 01/07/2019 14:44

Just assume he is joking.
He has to be.
No sane parent can claim they cannot cope with their child on their own.
If he cannot manage he can employ some one to "help him" from his wage.
What did he think being a parent would be?
He is being ridiculous.

If you separate will he just not bother?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/07/2019 14:47

I find it odd that he seems it acceptable for you to do 2x 12 hour shifts and work plus 5 days of childcare whilst also having 7 nights per week interrupted sleep, yet he isn't able to pick up 2 days of childcare in addition to his regular office job hours on 7 nights of good sleep.

I know which of you is getting the rough end of this deal.

Pinkpartyplanner · 01/07/2019 14:47

You already have a second child. Unfortunately it’s in the shape of your dh

cestlavielife · 01/07/2019 14:47

And do t give up your job.
You will need it if he turns out to be this selfish and self centred and you decide to go it alone.
Easy to say he adores dd for 5 minutesplaytime. That s being a nice uncle not a parent

SaveKevin · 01/07/2019 14:48

What a cock.
I didn’t click at being a mum until my first was about 1. Once walking life changed, we got out and about exploring museums, zoos, farms, swimming. It sounds like he needs to do a bit of bonding, it is easier to parent out and about. Although he should just ‘get it’ and you shouldn’t have to micro manage this, make some suggestions like this. If he gets to palm her off on his sister he will never get it. He needs to step up and learn spending time with dd is awesome.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/07/2019 14:49

For gods sake don’t have another child with this twat...

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 01/07/2019 14:55

Fucking hell, he can’t look after his own child on the weekend? Is he for real? What does he think is single parents do after working all week?

My mum worked nights and dad had us all weekend while she slept which meant keeping us quiet and getting us out of the house.

Your DH is pathetic. What did he think having a baby involved?

dinnerpartyhell · 01/07/2019 14:56

Sorry op but you have married a dud.

Greenolivesorblackolives · 01/07/2019 15:02

He needs to step up.
Why does he need a break and you don’t?
My dh has looked after our dd every Saturday since she was 3 months old, when I went back to work.
She’s 13 months now and a handful but he’s just as much a parent as I am so he gets on with.

Atalune · 01/07/2019 15:09

Wow.

Put him on performance management training. He must be solution focused and be willing to engage in the process. Or you manage him out of the marriage.

He sounds spineless.

SquirellTamer · 01/07/2019 15:10

OP, my DH and I were both in the emergency services. We tag teamed parented for 10 yrs until our situation changed so I speak from experience.You cannot manage on 3 hrs sleep followed by a night shift. Its not sustainable. Nights work is much much harder than day work. Has your DH ever worked nights? You will end up making a mistake at work through exhaustion. Is your DH happy for that to happen?