Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to care for DD when I’m at work anymore

329 replies

PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 11:24

So, here goes:

I came off maternity leave about a month ago. The plan was for DD to have a childminder on Monday and Friday when I’m at work. This would be paid out of my part time wages. Well, a month in and it’s all going to pot already!

I work on ambulances so my shifts are long and I have to do at least one night shift a week. I book my own shifts but often get kicked off them meaning I have to make up the hours on a weekend day/night. I cam back yesterday having done a 12 hour day shift (and a 12 hour night shift on Friday) for DH to start ranting that looking after 1yo Dd is too hard and he can’t cope. His exact words were ‘i need to relax at the weekend, and if I have to look after dd after a week of work it will kill me’.

Now I’m in a predicament. I have to work next Friday and Saturday night (was supposed to be working on Monday but lost that shift) and am working tonight too, and won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am). What am I supposed to do? I’ve only been a month on this contract and it’s the most flexible one they offer. I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it and we have no family who can help.

He’s basically left me with this dilemma which I have to figure out. We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’).

So I now feel guilty as shit as well as chronically sleep deprived. What can I do???

OP posts:
thedevondumpling · 01/07/2019 13:37

Everyone organises their finances in the way that suits the. People on here say you must have a joint account and share all money or it is the end of the world. Well I've been married for almost 40 years. I pay some bills, he pays some bills, if something unexpected happens we balance things up. It works for us, I don't expect everyone to do the same so why do they "joint account/money" advocates insist their way is the only way.

Sounds like the OP and her husband have a reasonable system, obviously you would have to look at it more closely to be sure, it works for them and that isn't the problem.

Welshwabbit · 01/07/2019 13:37

OP, it sounds from his response to your question about what he wanted you to do ("nothing") that he may have been sounding off and getting things off his chest. Possibly if you sit down and talk things through with him you'll get a more rational response.

I think most people find it tough coming to terms with the way in which having a child curtails their freedom. Whilst you were on maternity leave he didn't really have to think about it as I imagine you did everything during the week. Now he's starting to realise what he's let himself in for. When they get to one they start to be harder work in some ways as well, moving around - you have to have an eye on them all the time. I can imagine he found it tough, especially as it was so unusually hot this weekend. But his reaction was way OTT.

My husband and I have jobs that mean we fairly frequently have to do some or all of the weekends alone - he has to do partial weekends more than me, but he travels for work which means I can do a couple alone on the trot. It is just how it is, but we try to make up for it in other ways, giving the person who has done all the childcare a break in the week/next weekend. I think a realistic talk about how you can each make things as easy as possible for each other is in order. This time won't last forever, even if you have another child (that's maybe a separate talk as his position on that at present sounds childish and sulky). They are little for such a short time.

Wallywobbles · 01/07/2019 13:38

Why's it your problem to sort?

CoolCarrie · 01/07/2019 13:39

Don’t bring another child into this situation, both of you are stressed out as it is, so having another chil at the moment is a terrible idea. You both need to get your present situation sorted.

IveNotSlept · 01/07/2019 13:39

He's a parent, you don't get to just opt out when you are tired, you suck it up and get on with it. Many people work very long hours and still manage to look after their children. My husband works silly hours but will still come home from work and sort his children out. It's 50/50 in our house they're as much his children as they are mine. I don't understand why you seem to be more responsible for your child than he does, you should be coming up with some sort of solution together, not you trying to juggle everything yourself.

Ponoka7 · 01/07/2019 13:39

He's had a rant and now wants to leave it by the sound of it. But if that isn't the case then unless you agreed to be a SAHP until Nursery age, then he'll have to get over it.

As for having a second child. You'll have to work out the logistics of that, together and if he doesn't think it's what he wants then it's either give up career plans for a few years, or stick with one.

Only because, if it caused a split, you'd probably get left with the bringing up of them.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/07/2019 13:40

I think many people are reading this wrong, or maybe I am!!
Op has childcare booked for Monday and Friday. So, if her shift isn't scheduled for then, she gets those days completely off.
The dh Works mon- fri. If op has her shift at weekends, he is then solo parenting for that weekend.
If I've got that right, then it's understandable that he's slightly irked by the unfairness of it. But, even then, that's only doing what a working single parent would be doing. Life does get tougher with kids, that's life.
In your situation, I would find a different job, or childcare which can be flexible to cover your exact shifts.

dreichuplands · 01/07/2019 13:43

On the plus side he doesn't actually want you to do anything so you don't have anything to sort out. You could try talking to him about how tough it can be parenting. Because it can be tough.
DP if he spent a lot of time as a single person and how has a DW and DC has had a big life change but one that he signed up for so he needs to adjust to it and make it work for him.
Don't give up your training course, don't have anymore DC with him for the moment. Give him time to sort out his own parenting.

diddl · 01/07/2019 13:44

He should be able to cope as a one off, but if it constantly happens when Op is supposed to be working Mon & Fri then it's not sustainable it would seem.

Surely for next Fri & Sat you just go to work though-and leave him to sort out childcare if he cba to look after his own daughter.

What would fixed hrs be?

Would it be much/any worse than choosing convenient shifts that you don't get & having to do inconvenient ones at short notice?

gubbsywubbsy · 01/07/2019 13:47

Tell him to suck it up sunshine ... she will get easier but it's the reality of working unless he can afford / is willing to sub you all 🤷‍♀️

dottiedodah · 01/07/2019 13:47

First and Foremost he presumably welcomes your wages,to help pay for family life?!.Secondly what can you do, tell General Public "Dont dare be ill ,and need an Ambulance over W/E my husband cant cope with our child?!".The most ironical thing about this ,is if you were to split up(understandable!!) then he would be a W/E parent anyway!.TBH this W/E was a scorcher and I had a mini meltdown !.Tempers were frayed and everything felt a "bit much" TBH. YC find the heat overwhelming and feel a little bit "out of sorts"Hopefully he will step up to the plate ,or you could ask him if he would like to do the Night Shift in sweltering heat and see what he says!

AnneElliott · 01/07/2019 13:49

Don't have another child with this man. It will be a recipient for disaster. My H was a lazy sod when DS came along, that's why we only have 1!

And I disagree that most women pay for childcare as a pp suggested - we've always had one pot and all bills come out of that. I don't know anyone that sees childcare as the mother's cost, although I've seen it on mn.

He does need to get used to it. I used to look forward to going back to work on a Monday morning until DS was at least 3 - but normal people just get on with it.

I agree there's a difference between the sexes of the parents. Lots of men do see parts of parenthood as somewhat optional whereas as the mum I guess the buck stops with us. I know I felt that H was helping me out, but if it came to it, the problems were mine to sort.

jameswong · 01/07/2019 13:51

He's being a bit of a baby, but I'm not going to totally castiage him. At the moment, you're both getting the worst of both worlds. You're a solo FT parent 5 days and a PT employee 2 days. He's a FT employee 5 days and a solo FT parent 2 days. You're both working FT 7 days a week.

I think if you could find work mid week that would really be ideal. Then you can parent together at the weekends without giving up your financial independence. It will reduce your child caring also. As you'd be caring for a baby solo just 3 days a week.

Notcopingwellhere · 01/07/2019 13:56

Lots of men do see parts of parenthood as somewhat optional whereas as the mum I guess the buck stops with us.

Interesting. As soon as I stopped breastfeeding there was literally nothing that I could do for my DS that my DH could not. He would not dream of assuming he could drop responsibility and I would instinctively take up the slack. We talk a lot about what needs to be done and share out responsibility as equally as we can manage.

Onelovelyone · 01/07/2019 13:57

I think that your DH is being massively unreasonable here and not at all supportive of you or your DD. It’s clear that YANBU and that he is. He has also presented you with an impossible problem as, if you both need to work to manage things financially then telling you he can’t cope and, essentially, that he won’t provide the childcare when it is needed is hugely unfair. I also think that the childcare costs should be a jointly paid thing, IMO he needs to step up to this responsibility and help when you are working.

Notcopingwellhere · 01/07/2019 13:58

You're a solo FT parent 5 days and a PT employee 2 days.

@jameswong no she’s not, the child is at childminder two days a week.

Lasteleven · 01/07/2019 13:59

He needs to understand that you work this kind of thing out together, neither parent can decide to opt out of parenting because it's too hard for them. Maybe he needs to find ways to make it easier. Could he hook up with some other dads doing childcare at weekends so that it's more of a social/relaxation thing for him. Does he have an interest that he could take your baby to? Babies are very portable at that age, so if he wants to spend his weekends hillwalking, visiting museums, shopping or watching sport, he could surely take her with him. I think he needs to work out what it is that he finds difficult about childcare - it might be something simple to change.

Tanith · 01/07/2019 14:02

Can your childminder help?

Some will accommodate shift work like this; some will also have children overnight. I do myself, and I know I'm not the only one.
It really does help those parents who need it. If your childminder can be flexible, that might ease the situation a little until you settle down in your new schedules.

TheRedBarrows · 01/07/2019 14:02

"I can’t give up work as we can’t afford it"

It is a shared issue.

tell him that while he works all week and then does childcare for a good part of the weekend, you do childcare all week and then work for a good part of the weekend.

So when are YOU supposed to rest / have downtime?

And why is he paying other bills and you pay childcare to the same amount when you do so many days less paid work?

Huskylover1 · 01/07/2019 14:03

We were planning to have a second child which he’s now refusing (he won’t even sleep with me anymore ‘just in case’)

Not the main point, but this jumped out at me. Sounds utterly bonkers and like an excuse not to be having any sex with you.

Pinkwink · 01/07/2019 14:03

So you presumably did most of the care for DD before you went back to work. You’ve now been back at work for a month and be already can’t cope... kinda says a lot really.

Sounds like he’s making it as difficult as possible so you quit work and become a SAHM. Makes his life easier, he doesn’t have to actually do much parenting then.

Pinkwink · 01/07/2019 14:04

Oh and please don’t have a second child with him, he can’t even cope with the first!

Original poster
PoppySeedBun18 · 01/07/2019 14:05

I think it probably was a horrible weekend and he’s just had a rant. Dd is a bit of a handful at the moment and hasn’t been sleeping well (I managed a 12 hour shift on 4 hours of sleep, not great). There isn’t really any decent solution. He’s gotten used to me being there all the time and now he probably feels a bit overwhelmed. I’ve suggested he perhaps asks his sister if he can go to hers on the day I’m at work, even just for the afternoon, so he can have a bit of a break. I’ve actually got a birthday party next Sunday which I’ll take Dd to - I would have just come off a night shift but I’m pretty used to having zero sleep now!

OP posts:
Notcopingwellhere · 01/07/2019 14:06

I won’t be home till 3am (again I was supposed to finish at 11pm but got moved so now am finishing at 2am).

I’m not sure how much difference this makes, since your DD will be in bed from 7.30 latest anyway, surely? So the difference between you crawling into bed at midnight and into bed at 3 am is barely discernible to your DH, and even if you are a bit more tired you are still there in the morning to eg watch DD while he has a shower etc.

Spero · 01/07/2019 14:08

I am really sorry but this doesn't look good at all. It's hard while they are little but it gets easier. But if he crumbles now, I think this is a very, very bad sign for the rest of your marriage. I would have a long, hard talk with him and consider ending the relationship if he cannot or will not step up. This is one of those situations where it is often easier being a single parent than having to live with another adult who will not meet their responsibilities.