Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

[Gribbie]

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

We had an awesome performance granny at a calligraphy session (I know I know). Corkers included “darling you have done this before haven’t you? Because you go to x school (local private school) “. “Do it in mandarin. Go on! Do it! I know you can because you learn mandarin at st cuthberts” oh look they sell honey. Granny makes honey doesn’t she darling from her own bees” etc. She had 2 girls about 10 and 12 with her obviously mortified refusing to play along to her increasing frustration. It was very funny.

I think this is what performance parenting is (even though I know it was granny in this case). It’s where you say things to your child that aren’t for the child’s benefit but are really to show off something about YOU.

I tend to assume that posters who are defensive about performance parenting are massive pains in the arse when out with their little darlings

Well, that's a bizarre (though possibly consistent) assumption. I'm defending them purely because I can't stand judgemental, spiteful arseholes.

There was a mum testing her little girl on colours and the alphabet in the seat in front of me on a train recently - the poor child kept getting them wrong. The mum was encouraging about it, though.

I am not sure what the best way is to shut up performance parents, is there even one?

I had this EXACT thought, except 'performance parents' was replaced with 'mindlessly judgemental twats.' Uncanny!

I've been on the train with a literal performance parent. Nursery rhymes (fair enough) at top volume in full X Factor style (could have done with out that!). Think along the lines of twinkuhhhhl twinkuhhhl li-hi-tuh-huhhhl staaar...

I tend to assume that posters who are defensive about performance parenting are massive pains in the arse when out with their little darlings

well, yes, otherwise why would you feel attacked?
When you are just normally interacting with your kids, why would you even care.

Some posters are right, it's more funny than irritating really.

There was a mum testing her little girl on colours and the alphabet in the seat in front of me on a train recently - the poor child kept getting them wrong. The mum was encouraging about it, though.
How do you think children learn colours and the alphabet if they never have their learning checked? Surely a train is the ideal place where you'll run out of conversation topics at some stage. Really I think you're just being nasty here, what I don't understand is why?

The press-ups in the pool and the honey are clearly attention seeking on the other hand, though I might feel sorry for granny who perhaps just has no idea what to say to the little darlings.

There are many other threads about PP on this forum, some of the examples are absolutely brilliant.

In every thread there is that one poster who pretend to not understand the difference between a normal chat with your child and being a PP.
It's hilarious. There should be one in classics about the worst examples!

I tend to assume that posters who are defensive about performance parenting are massive pains in the arse when out with their little darlings

well, yes, otherwise why would you feel attacked?

Because your child has additional needs, you're being unfairly judged and erm...being attacked?

You'll see that posters have had exactly this experience.

How about those parents? Massive pains in the arse for defending themselves?

Having a child with additional needs doesn't mean you can, or can't, be a PP!

The difference is pretty obvious, if you concentrate on them or are loudly acting for the "benefit" of others around you.

In every thread there is that one poster who pretend to not understand the difference between a normal chat with your child and being a PP

Read this thread. It's hardly 'one poster' You're trying to change the narrative, but it's hard when the posts are, y'know...right here.

He wouldn’t have bitten me twice.

Why do you keep conflating additional needs? The beauty of performance parenting is that the child is incidental. It’s not about them it’s about the parent showing off. Are you a real show off?! Why are you so angry about defending show offs? !

Really I think you're just being nasty here, what I don't understand is why?

Could you point out which part of my post is 'nasty' please?

Earl do you have a shred of understanding what those posters are talking about?

Instead of ploughing on, why not take a moment to think that there just might another reason why that woman is speaking loudly to her child. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt makes for a nicer world than being a judgemental arse.

That's it really, but no. You double down, eh?

Are you a real show off?! Why are you so angry about defending show offs?

Eh? Where is my anger? I'm a show-off?

I'll leave you to your thoughts...not sure where to go with that, sorry.

Are you a real show off?! Why are you so angry about defending show offs? !

I think the issue that the "defensive" people on this thread have is that the example given by OP could have easily been a stressed mum of a two year old trying desperately to avert a meltdown. I certainly have been there (other than the cake bit). There is nothing inherently performance parenty about reading books and singing with a 2 year old - and OP even admitted that her bugbear was the fact she was in the quiet carriage. Which then leads those you are calling "defensive" to question why some of you judge the normal conversation had with a toddler in public as "performance parenting" because from the comments of some on this thread, we'd be judged for trying to keep our 2 year old under control by engaging with them outloud.

Read this thread. It's hardly 'one poster'

well, actually, you are right on that one, there's more than one.
Maybe more performance parents around that we notice!

Parenting in 2019! Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Anywhere you go there may be a stranger lurking somewhere ready to post your mistakes online. Someone has always got something to say- and it’s usually women criticising other women!

Not cool.

It's obvious some posters are realising that their showing off is not quite having the same effect on innocent bystanders who are not as impressed as they thought they were.

What a revelation

I constantly talk and sign to DS. I probably look like a right twat walking around Asda or wherever. His communication skills are really good now though so I guess there are some benefits to all my ‘performing’.

It's obvious some posters are realising that their showing off is not quite having the same effect on innocent bystanders who are not as impressed as they thought they were.

Or you're wilfully ignoring those pointing out that the lady in OP's post could simply have been entertaining her toddler and suggesting you have some empathy before jumping to a negative conclusion.

I have nothing to be ashamed of or hide - I've already said upthread that I'm the parent that shoves the tablet in front of my 2 year old on a train. But I admire the interactive parents, because I know we are all trying to achieve the same thing - avoiding a tantrum for the wellbeing of everyone on the carriage. If you want to see their interactiveness as "performance parenting" then go ahead. I'll sleep well knowing I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt than jump to the negative, nasty and judgemental conclusions that you do.

It's hard, I did find myself talking like a CBeebies presenter on speed when mine were in the tantrum years.

However I did have an inward smirk when sat next to a mother, grandad and three-ish year old on a train once. Child was obviously in the grip of train obsession and naming parts of the track etc all quite cute then we stopped near a retail park and he pointed out the window "Boots, that shop says Boots"
Grandad points at Asda says "well done, what about the green letters, what does that say"
Mum says positively venomously "he wouldn't know Asda, we shop at Waitrose"

Maybe more performance parents around that we notice!

Ah, you're making the mindless assumption that anyone not laying into PP must be PP. That's some smart thinking right there.

Walking around with that kind of critical thinking must make life either very simple, or very challenging, I'm not sure which.

If the thought that people can defend other people just because they don't like unjustified attacks is so incomprehensible to you, then seriously, I genuinely pity you.