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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

414 replies

Gribbie · 01/07/2019 09:37

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” Grin There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 01/07/2019 17:37

And how do you know they’re showing off?

LauderSyme · 01/07/2019 17:38

Gosh this thread has become a bit of a bun fight!

I don't think OP's particular example is performance parenting and I do think MN seems very quick to judge perfectly reasonable parent-child interactions.

@Gingerivy My ds aged 9 has autism, we travel a lot on public transport and I totally relate to your post. When your kids' behaviour gets publicly judged how do you handle it? I am torn between wanting to explain to tutting, muttering onlookers and not wanting to publicly label ds to perfect strangers - as if autistic is all that he is.

Biancadelrioisback · 01/07/2019 17:41

The thing is, some people actually like their children and want to engage with them and share their excitement. Sometimes I'll try to engage DS in a conversation because I want to talk to him. Sometimes he isn't as interested in speaking with me. So should I just shut up and pretend he isn't there?

MsTSwift · 01/07/2019 17:41

Because they are bellowing loudly to innocent bystanders about how marvellous they are. That’s showing off. Even kids can spot it.

LolaSmiles · 01/07/2019 17:43

I love how posters try to wind up others by pretending they can't possibly understand what the thread is about. There's always one on these threads
Always.
Just like there's always someone who'll deny stealth boasting is a thing, after all, it isn't boasting it's celebrating an achievement and you lot must hate your friends and be rrally envious if you can't even be happy for someone (even if people point out they like hearing good news)

Reality: most people love hearing good news from friends and love celebrating with them, but find the chat/posts superficially about 1 thing with an obvious brag undertone to be annoying.

CharityConundrum · 01/07/2019 17:44

I give you a clue if it helps, if your performance parenting make other people - including parents! - roll their eyes and want you to shut up, or they meet another passenger's eyes and they both start laughing because of the ridiculous parent as i've laughed not long ago , then you are on full performance parenting mode.

But how are you supposed to spot all this if looking around could result in someone thinking that you are doing this:

Do your shoot looks at other parents to check they are clocking your superior parenting?

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 17:44

Because they are bellowing loudly to innocent bystanders about how marvellous they are. That’s showing off. Even kids can spot it.

spot on Grin

NeckPainChairSearch · 01/07/2019 17:45

Because they are bellowing loudly to innocent bystanders about how marvellous they are

No, they're not.

I think it's important for a handful of posters to remember that just because someone irritates you, it doesn't actually mean that they're actually doing something wrong.

The posters that make the comments like this ^ I daresay find that irritation follows them around.

LaurieMarlow · 01/07/2019 17:45

Because they are bellowing loudly to innocent bystanders about how marvellous they are.

Funny, I’ve only ever seen childless men do that.

How is talking about how marvellous they are parenting? Confused

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 17:47

LaurieMarlow

you've seen childless men performance parent?!?

Brilliant, I love MN

LaurieMarlow · 01/07/2019 17:50

you've seen childless men performance parent?!?

No. I’ve seen childless men fit this thread’s definition of performance parenting.

No one is more confused by me about that.

MsTSwift · 01/07/2019 17:50

We had an awesome performance granny at a calligraphy session (I know I know). Corkers included “darling you have done this before haven’t you? Because you go to x school (local private school) “. “Do it in mandarin. Go on! Do it! I know you can because you learn mandarin at st cuthberts” oh look they sell honey. Granny makes honey doesn’t she darling from her own bees” etc. She had 2 girls about 10 and 12 with her obviously mortified refusing to play along to her increasing frustration. It was very funny.

LolaSmiles · 01/07/2019 17:50

The posters that make the comments like this ^ I daresay find that irritation follows them around
Not really.
Nice chit chat doesn't annoy me.
Parents having educational chats doesn't annoy me.
People who show zero regard for anyone around them and have conversations above a reasonable level are annoying. I don't care if it's performance parenting or a 'hello I'm on the train... yeah so if you tell Brian to invoice... and then we can touch base' suit type who loudly acts like they're some sort of CEO to the whole carriage.

LaurieMarlow · 01/07/2019 17:51

Sorry, should read than me.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 17:52

No, they're not.

I think it's important for a handful of posters to remember that just because someone irritates you, it doesn't actually mean that they're actually doing something wrong.

not sure what your point actually is. No one is pretending that all irritants in public places are performance parents. The subject of the thread is not irritating people though, so that's who we are talking about.

Feel free to start a new thread about irritating people, or noisy people, or judgey people, take your pick Smile

NeckPainChairSearch · 01/07/2019 17:58

Aw. Sorry the point of my post was lost on you, Earl. Keep re-reading, you'll get there.

Oh yes...Smile

I asked how you know the parent you're judging isn't with a child with invisible additional needs

Anytime you're ready.

MsTSwift · 01/07/2019 17:59

What was that thread recently about a dad doing press-ups in a kids pool. It’s that. Brilliant!

NeckPainChairSearch · 01/07/2019 18:01

What was that thread recently about a dad doing press-ups in a kids pool. It’s that

That possibly would merit an accusation of performance parenting, I'll grant you.

And it's a loooooong way away from the OP's example.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 18:02

NeckPainChairSearch
just to be clear, I have read your posts, but I won't engage in the bun fight you are trying to start. Even if you don't like my opinion Smile

NeckPainChairSearch · 01/07/2019 18:04

just to be clear, I have read your posts, but I won't engage in the bun fight you are trying to start

Oh what a surprise! Grin

It's not a bun-fight (you're doing that all on your own) it's one, simple, clear question.

And you can't answer it.

PCohle · 01/07/2019 18:05

I tend to assume that posters who are defensive about performance parenting are massive pains in the arse when out with their little darlings.

MsTSwift · 01/07/2019 18:05

I don’t think the ops parent is performance parenting actually. Come to my town (it’s posh) when the children’s literature festival is on then you will see what I mean Grin

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 18:07

I am not sure what the best way is to shut up performance parents, is there even one?

LaurieMarlow · 01/07/2019 18:08

I tend to assume that posters who are defensive about performance parenting are massive pains in the arse when out with their little darlings.

Gosh really, what an original and insightful assumption. Hmm

I just assume people are chatting with their child. What a fool, huh?

MsTSwift · 01/07/2019 18:10

Chatting to your child isn’t performing though is it? You have to do press ups in a shallow pool or shout about your own honey making abilities to reach those heights. It’s quite rare but if you see it - comedy gold