Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

[Gribbie]

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but tbh OP, it sounds like she was just interacting with her child.
We don’t watch tv or any programmes at home, including myself and DH. We don’t even have a tv. So we don’t give our kids iPads/phones etc on journeys. We wouldn’t stop them having screen time however in the future if they request it.
When I travel with my DCs I always spend the journey chatting, pointing out things, learning stuff. Both preschool age and both advanced speech (commented on by nursery teachers, friends, family). Not a boast at all. I just personally think that it is due to how much we chat to them. It’s established knowledge that the more you talk to your kids, the faster they learn to speak. Besides, I love talking to them, and they love it too.
Can’t comment on the quiet carriage, as I’ve never booked seats on one. But maybe they didn’t realise or were booked there without their knowledge.

Topsecretidentity
as said many times on this thread, people can see the difference between interacting with your child and make a massive arse show of yourself.

Why do people insist on pretending there's any judgement when talking to your child?

people can see the difference between interacting with your child and make a massive arse show of yourself

They can’t outline any objective criteria to tell the difference so no, I don’t agree that they can. So people feel self conscious. Which is a shitty position to put them in.

Why do people insist on pretending there's any judgement when talking to your child?

Well because they might be speaking loudly. In which case probably PP. Or another language. Definitely PP.

God forbid people feel self conscious whilst practising counting to 30 in Mandarin with little Tarquin before eating their quinoa salad on the train

as said many times on this thread, people can see the difference between interacting with your child and make a massive arse show of yourself

No. You just think you can. You are NOT blessed with the power to know what is going in that person's life, in that moment, with their child, and thus, whether their parenting is one thing or the other. You just THINK you can, based on all the ridiculous judgements that you enthusiastically display throughout the thread.

You think they are 'making an arse of themselves,' so they MUST be, right?

No. You are not the barometer of whether someone is behaving appropriately or not. You refuse to accept anyone else's thinking on this - again, demonstrated in your posts - and apparently, have precious little empathy.

You keep insisting that it's 'obvious,' but it really only 'obvious' to people like you, who seemingly can only make snap, say-what-you-see judgments and then stick with them.

The person on the first page of this thread who was refusing to take their pestering child to McDonalds was definitely not performance parenting. They were demonstrating love for their child.

LaurieMarlow

it's not about talking loudly
or another language. You can teach advanced theoretical physics to your toddler if you want and not be a performance parent.

As repeated many times on the thread, it's about doing for the benefit of the public around you, even if they really don't care, instead of just interacting with your own child.

There's no way someone can genuinely not understand the difference

it's about doing for the benefit of the public around you, even if they really don't care

And how do you know if that’s the motivation. Are you blessed with mind reading skills?

LaurieMarlow
oh well, I might be wrong, it's normal behaviour for parents to loudly bellow about their amazing parenting skills and what a genius their child is.
We all have different parenting after all.

@ScreamingValenta - all of your post was nasty because you were bringing up a perfectly normal interaction for others to judge.

@EarlGreyOfTwinings - have you met any toddlers recently? When confined (without dangerous items close enough to quietly hunt down) they tend to consume all your time, DH time, other family time, future time, in fact I'm fairly sure mine is even taking over time in the past. Maybe it's just me, but I have no attention left for bystanders, none. What I do know is that I see a lot of fellow toddler mums; they pretty much all talk to their kids, read to them, sing to them, try to teach them what stuff is etc. It wasn't me but it could have been a friend of mine being judged harshly just for trying to keep the kid calm and happy. You didn't even see the mum in the OP. But sure, it must be a "performance" because someone else says so.

...it's normal behaviour for parents to loudly bellow about their amazing parenting skills and what a genius their child is

Which, let's face it, completely happened here and happens all the time. I can't move for people 'loudly bellowing' about how amazing they are.

We need an 'eyes rolling down the road' emoji.

MRex If the interaction had taken place in private, I would agree. But it took place in public, so the mother was obviously happy to show it to others.

What topics are acceptable for a mother to discuss with her own young child on the train if the alphabet and colours are banned? Presumably no numbers either, are nursery rhymes with numbers banned too for even younger kids? What about animals?

MRex
Not sure why you, or anyone, would need to take any comment personally if you know they don't apply to you.

Most normal parents interact with their toddler or their kids in general, that's so not the point. I nearly wish there was a PP in my train right now, but sadly there isn't tonight

What topics are acceptable for a mother to discuss with her own young child on the train if the alphabet and colours are banned?

Anything where the unfortunate child doesn't keep getting the answers wrong and is forced to repeat it on an endless annoying and doubtless frustrating (for the child) loop!

When mine were little, I noticed that I was much happier than most other parents to behave in the same way in public as I did in private with them. What I mean by that is that I would sing, chat, do silly voices, maybe tickle, recite rhymes, count, read aloud... on a train, just like I did at home (maybe not quite as loudly but not very quietly) - and I assume most people do at home. If others are not doing those things with their children, I feel sad for the children not getting that interaction with their parents.

However I do note that I seemed to be in the minority in that I didn’t care AT ALL what strangers thought about it and whether in their opinion I was “performing”. I didn’t think about the strangers (why would I?), only about my children.

@EarlGreyOfTwinings - just trying to help you to see how breathtakingly arrogant some of the comments come across as, particularly yours. I've no idea who some of these comments are targeted at, because a number of the situations are far more likely a parent just trying to make it through the journey. A different approach would be for you to actually read the comments and think about whether your rush to negative judgements shows the best of your character or not.

MRex
I have read the comments, I have seen a lot of defensive posters, a few pretending they could not possibly understand what a performance parent was, but not many rational explanation.

If PP don't want to be judged, there's a very simple solution...

If even MN had an article about the subject, don't pretend we are making up the concept of PP entirely.

@ScreamingValenta - mothers can't only ever ask a question the child definitely knows the answer to, honestly it isn't practical nor interesting for the child.

MRex - but if your child is trying to sing the alphabet, and after five attempts can't get beyond 'G' without prompting, surely that's the point at which the parent should decide a little more practice in a private setting is appropriate, for the sanity of all concerned?

Earl and others who are saying it's obvious, I'm really not sure it is.

You can laugh at this (it is funny in hindsight, it wasn't at the time), I was fairly recently on public transport with my child who is autistic. She was building up to a sensory overload meltdown and one thing which can sometimes calm her down at least temporarily is talking about her current favourite topic. Which right now is plants and seed dispersal, and especially seed dispersal via animal poo.

So my last attempt was "I tell you what darling, why don't I tell you all about the coffee beans that come from civet poo! Do you remember that one?" (fucksake)

And yes, of course I looked round to see if anyone else had heard me sounding like an epic twat (and yes, they had, the judgey fuckers were all exchanging glances), and no it didn't fucking work anyway so my child still looked like an unruly brat and me like a totally ineffective parent.

It is funny, but tell me honestly - without knowing the background, how would you know DD has SEN? What am I supposed to do, stick a bloody puzzle piece to her forehead like Arnold J Rimmer's hologram so I don't get judged when something like that happens? Or should I just let her have a distressing public meltdown without even trying to avert it? Perhaps try to corral her into a more age-acceptable interest? I'd love to know before I end up the subject of a MN thread and become known as Civet Poo Twat Parent forever.

@ScreamingValenta - might be best if you parent your children the way you want to and let others parent in the way they want to, without judgement. I'd think a boring train journey is a great place to waste a bit of time going over the alphabet, then the time at the farm or wherever is all fun time. Maybe the kid is already 5 and the mother is keen to make sure her DD isn't falling behind at the first hurdle, or maybe she's 3 and it's just a good way to keep her occupied; it doesn't affect anyone else so there's no need to be judgemental.

Live and let live? I shop at Waitrose and love quinoa and honestly, what is wrong with that? And why does it annoy some people? My child isn’t called Tarquin, but honestly even if he was? Is the reverse snobbery necessary or helpful?

I also think the dad avoiding McDonald’s was doing his best for his child. We don’t eat McDonald’s or the like either, I haven’t had it since childhood. Why? My choice. I don’t want to eat or feed my kids junk food that is detrimental to their health and also for ethical, welfare and environmental reasons. Why judge someone else for making those choices?

MRex I don't have children - perhaps that's why I'm not charmed by repetitive squeaky singing on a train - doubtless parents develop an immunity to how annoying it can be; but they should bear in mind, when in public, that not everyone will share that immunity.