Live performance parenting on a train. In the quiet coach

[Gribbie]

Lighthearted - I don’t really mind (except the singing), it’s nice that mum is interacting with him.

I’m on a train for 4 hours. In the quiet coach. Mum and DS probably around 2ish. Started off counting to 3 in various languages (English, Welsh, french, german and Spanish I think). Then DS bit mum. The response was to say “who does that at nursery? If you want to bite I’ll give you a cake to bite.” There has been a hitting incident and another bite since. Now they’re reading/signing nursery rhymes. Old fashioned shite ones. I’ve not got my headphones. Help me. I’ve got an hour to go.

So doing colours and animals with a toddler on a train is performance parenting? Fucking hell. How low is the bar??

Fucking hell. How low is the bar??

I’m beginning to think that anything other than plugging them into an iPad and throwing the occasional quaver their way would be deemed suspect by some.

@ScreamingValenta - some kids are annoying, some adults are annoying. I can guarantee you wouldn't prefer a bored kid screaming and running around. Just get headphones and chill out.

Ah but you can't be one of those parents who stick a child in front of a screen. You'll rot their brains and it'll be all your fault and people will weep for our futures.

On public transport etc, i opt to do quiet things with the kids in general. My dh likes to talk to them and interact with them far more than me - which I have to confess i find a tad annoying. Not sure why everything and anything needs to be discussed.

Some adults are really annoying.

You can teach advanced theoretical physics to your toddler if you want and not be a performance parent.

As repeated many times on the thread, it's about doing for the benefit of the public around you, even if they really don't care, instead of just interacting with your own child.
I agree with you.

It's just like how most people who use phones in public will talk about a range of topics at a range of volumes and most of the time you don't notice, but get stuck in close proximity to Brian who needs to broadcast his phone call with select parts loud like he's an aspiring CEO holding court on the apprentice and it's totally obvious that Brian want a everyone to know he has very important meetings and very important business to take care of, which is why the conversation was done in such a way that he might as well have a big neon sign saying 'look at me - I do business'.

Would all the people who deny performance parenting exists also take the view that Brian our 'look at me businessman' was simply having a normal conversation and people should stop judging him for just speaking to someone about work.

MRex Yes, I agree - I mentioned recently another incident where someone on a train was 'performance adulting' - shouting on his phone about his recent business deal, badmouthing his client and then boasting about how rich his girlfriend's parents were.

My point is that loud and/or repetitive behaviour on a train is annoying. Why can't people read quietly to their children, for instance, or get them to do some drawing or listen to some music on headphones?

@LauderSyme

My ds aged 9 has autism, we travel a lot on public transport and I totally relate to your post. When your kids' behaviour gets publicly judged how do you handle it? I am torn between wanting to explain to tutting, muttering onlookers and not wanting to publicly label ds to perfect strangers - as if autistic is all that he is.

I used to explain but that sends my young child into meltdown now so that's simply not an option anymore. I try very hard to ignore people if they're just making snarky comments in general. If they say comments directly to us, I try to shut it down quickly - generally with a "that's really none of your business" or whatever suits the occasion. It is difficult - I don't want to set a bad example for my dcs, so I'm not going to shout and swear at rude people, but neither do I feel that I should be bullied either so I speak up as best I can at the moment and move us away if need be. But my main focus is going to be on my dcs, even if that means utterly ignoring the other person.

This topic always drives out the deeply disingenuous in spades.

I've been parenting for many years now, and am around children and parents every day.

I don't think I have ever actually witnessed proper 'performance parenting' in the flesh - but I can still understand, and get the concept!

The vast majority of people don't performance parent. The people getting defensive on here most likely are not performance parenting.

You don't know that anyone is judging you, because they're doing it silently in their own head. And if you do realise they're doing it - who cares? You're never going to see them again. Let them judge away. We all do it, even if it's not about performance parenting.

All these, 'but I like my children, and I like interacting with them' wide-eyed, faux innocent responses are beyond tedious.

And of course the Dad can tells his kid they're not going to McDonald's because he doesn't agree with it. He just doesn't need to turn it into a spectator sport.

Why can't people read quietly to their children, for instance, or get them to do some drawing or listen to some music on headphones?

They do all of those things. Whether any of them will hold the attention of a toddler for longer than a few minutes is another question entirely.

Because sometimes the kids won't play along, they want to participate. Mine is generally quiet when we're in public like trains or restaurants, but at times he gets excitable and gets noisier. I'll try to quiet him down. Mostly I'm doing my best and that's all I can manage, if he's noisy anyway then that's just tough.

Some adults were very annoying, yes. I wouldn't know about any individuals; they might be slightly deaf, or have a really bad line, or have additional needs, or just be a dick. I turn up the volume on my headphones if I'm alone, that's the only practical solution.

they should bear in mind, when in public...

The pertinent phrase here is in public. It is unreasonable to expect any public space to be controlled in precisely the way you would want, even if that space does contain small people. It was only after having ds (inevitably I suppose) that I realised quite how un-child-friendly the UK is. Several posters here are demonstrating why that is the case. Have got a stern BBC RP voice looping through my head: children should be seen and not heard!

Why can't people read quietly to their children, for instance, or get them to do some drawing or listen to some music on headphones?

Sorry to requote you but I just noticed the child in question is 2. Listening to music on headphones (presumably without singing along) is just staggeringly unrealistic.

I also noticed that you don’t have kids yourself. Ah.

Performance anything is irritating or amusing depending on mood or circumstance. Family at the next table to us on Father’s Day had a massive restaurant silencing row. That was pretty interesting! It was like a scene from a play. Our kids agog.

The UK is not very child friendly, you're right. I've had groups of people barge DS when he was only 4 months old and in his pushchair onto a road so they didn't have to fall back into 2 abreast on a path rather than all walking side by side as they insisted.
People here just don't like children, and I'm always amazed that it's okay to say that, considering it's not okay to say you don't like other groups of people for something they can't help.

ScreamingValenta
Performance acts are ridiculous.

Like I said up thread there's the stealth boast 'look at my nails' but please notice them placed on the new BWM logo of my new car because i just happened to want to take a nail photo there, the 'let me perform my phone call for you so loud that you all know how important I am', the 'allow me to explain something to you so the people in our vicinity can hear that I know stuff'. Performance parents are a similar type of person.

Some people are performers. They want to make sure everyone notices how great they are. Pretending they don't exist as some do on here is disingenuous.

@Gingerivy Thank you. I am veering more towards the ignoring now but a venomously spat out "appalling!" last week - which I did not respond to - is still bothering me. My ds frequently gets upset if anyone discusses what he considers personal information but surprisingly, not his diagnosis. He has been known to bellow at the starers "I'm high functioning autistic, I'm not naughty, don't judge me!

The UK is not very child friendly

So true. I just don’t understand it. DD is 11 months old got upset for literally a few seconds the other day when I wouldn’t let her take something off the shelf in a supermarket. We got a look from someone.. it must take a lot of effort to be that judgemental and grumpy.

And some people on this thread complaining about a toddler (who wasn’t even tantrumming), when they don’t even have kids themselves but they’ve come onto Mumsnet on a parenting thread to say they dislike children and find them annoying.. .

@LauderSyme My son doesn't want strangers out in public to be told he is autistic as he feels it's private medical information and nobody's business. It triggers an almost instant meltdown. He's fine with me discussing it on here or with people we know well or family - but not strangers out in public. And that's his right to have his medical info private as much as possible.

You are aware that you don't have to have children to be on MN don't you
You can also be a dad. Shocking I know.

Pretending they don't exist as some do on here is disingenuous

I'm not sure that's happening. I don't recall anyone saying PP don't exist.

The problem lies when people judge mothers for parenting their children and make PP judgements. It's obvious from the articulate posts of several posters here - and my own experience - that additional needs can sometimes present the same as PP.

The posters who claim 'it's obvious innit' when it isn't in these circumstances are being disingenuous (and that's putting it kindly).

Given that there's a chance that one or two of the judgemental types here would happily judge away, utterly clueless as to whether additional needs/other factors are involved, many people have pointed out that NOT judging is often the right thing to do.

The God-given right to eye-roll and judge trumps any kind of empathy.

Of course, special mention must be reserved for a couple of posters who regularly encounter PP 'bellowing' at their helpless-yet-genius child about how wonderful they are, probably in French. It happens a lot, apparently.

@Gingerivy Yes of course it is his right. I believe you and NeckPain have beautifully explained why some individuals need to 'awa an bile yer heid'!

NeckPainChairSearch
I don't think it happens a lot, more that when it does happen it does look different to people interacting with their child.

The reason it stands out, as with the loud I'm taking a very important call on a train behaviour is because it's different to the other entirely reasonable and varied interactions.

It really is obvious when someone is performance parenting, like it's obvious when Brian is having a phone call vs having a phone call to inform everyone else on the carriage how important he is. I do think all posters on the thread know this so I don't know why they're doing the "I don't understand nonsense.