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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About feuding parents and my wedding

149 replies

HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 08:46

I am getting married shortly and my parents hate each other.

A lot happened when they divorced which I won't go into as it would long but one party was particularly hurt by the others actions (no physical violence or anything but still not very nice).

It took a lot of time for me to forgive this parent but ultimately I was a child who wanted a relationship with them still and eventually when they realised what they'd done and apologised we made it work. It's now a number of years later and we have a good relationship again.

I'm very close to the hurt parent and lived with them whilst growing up.

My wedding will be the first time they have been in the same room since they divorced. I feel like I am being tugged left and right between them, 'don't put me with them, don't do that with them, what am I supposed to do if they are doing that, I don't want to be at X place when they are there' etc...

I understand it was messy and I have been sympathetic to that since it happened (and as a child which perhaps I shouldn't have needed to be) however, AIBU to want to shout that I am being selfish for this one day and they will have to deal with this situation themselves.

I may be an adult now but this situation is nothing to do with me, I didn't cause it, I was an innocent party in the entire thing. I love both my parents and whilst I can agree that what one of them did was wrong, I have enough of a relationship with them now to want them there.

I don't want to remember my wedding day having to play bodyguard for my parents and stressing about who goes where or does what.

AIBU to say, I am your daughter, today is about me and DP, not what happened with you two and ask them to try and respect that I do not want to play piggy in the middle for this one day as I have been doing throughout my childhood.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 01/07/2019 08:49

You are not unreasonable, but whether they can do this is another matter. You would think grown ups would just be able to get on with things in a civil manner for one day but that’s virtually impossible for some.

CMOTDibbler · 01/07/2019 08:52

Tell them that either they both promise to behave themselves and suck it up for the day, or they don't come. End of. No restrictions, no conditions - either behave or don't come and you don't want to hear a negative word either way.

ShatnersWig · 01/07/2019 08:54

What CMOT said. With bells on.

MsFrosty · 01/07/2019 08:56

Every time they bring something up just say:
We are all adults, it's my wedding I expect you to put me first and act appropriately. If you can't do this, don't come.

dont entertain any of their requests or arguing just state above everyone. It's not about them and they need to put all of their shit aside and act like parents

Hadalifeonce · 01/07/2019 08:58

You are being totally reasonable in expecting your parents to behave for your wedding day; if they can't see that the are appalling individuals no matter what has happened in the past.
They don't have to pretend to best friends, separate them as much as possible, different tables etc., shame on them if they can't put there differences aside for 1 day.

Hadalifeonce · 01/07/2019 09:00

Their not there!

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:00

It's only now I'm an adult myself that I realise I was far too involved in what went on. I knew everything, all the details and things that a child should never have really known.

I felt like I had to essentially parent my parents growing up and it makes me sad now I'm older and living with my own children that they couldn't treat my like a child and not involve me.

I feel like it's used as an excuse now. I.e. 'you know what they did so you should do this...'

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 01/07/2019 09:02

Yanbu to shout, yabu to call yourself selfish, you are not being selfish to expect to adults to cop themselves on and act like grown up's for one day in any setting but especially for their child. Are they both at it? I would text them/email them both

"Sorry for the formality but you are both getting this exact message. You may not like each other or want to be in the same room together but you were adult enough to have a child together, and for one day I expect you to be adult enough to put your shit aside, paint on a smile and be adult enough to be civil and in a same room as each other and me first. I don't expect you to act like besties. I will not sit you together. I will do my best to treat you equally but what I will not do is spend my day waiting for you to get offended because I speak to the other for 30 seconds more, or spend my day cutting the tension with a knife. If you can't both put me first then I suggest you don't come.

I want to enjoy the build up to my day, so after this email I expect neither of you to discuss the other or past hurts with me, I have lived it too and I am done with it."

Say it, be harsh, get it out there, ffs they are adults, put your childish shit to one side or step aside. If they make a drama out of it just shut it down "sorry I am not discussing this"

Shoxfordian · 01/07/2019 09:05

Yeah you need to be clear with them both that if they can't be civil then they can't come

Ohjustboreoff · 01/07/2019 09:05

I had something similar at my wedding. Parents divorced and although it was Father that was in the wrong he held a deep grudge against DM. Luckily all is family I'm NC with but I did invite him (but I did pick my wedding day knowing he would be on holiday and knowing he would not cancel).
Luckily he couldn't come and I got my amazing SD to give me away. The day was perfect!

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:11

I'm incredibly sympathetic to the hurt parent. What happened was truly horrible and it has affected them since.

But part of me also feels like I should not be expected, as their child, to take sides because of what one has done to the other. I shouldn't have even been aware enough of the details at the time to have chosen 'sides'.

I'd be devastated if I had to tell them not to come. I'll admit one party is worse than the other for creating the problem however, I think it's harder for them and easier for the other.

I shouldn't even have to be thinking this much about it should I? Sad

OP posts:
TulipsTwoLips · 01/07/2019 09:14

Tell them how you feel. In a strange way it may help them start to move on from the past.

usernamerisnotavailable · 01/07/2019 09:15

Oh op I feel your pain. My parents had a very messy divorce which went on for ages.

I was really worried about the wedding day but they both were fine. It was a big enough wedding that they weren't together much. They each hosted their own table with their relatives and a few friends.

They even stood together for photos.

I would just tell them that this day is about you and your fiancé and you will not tolerate any negativity either in the run up or On the day.

Good luck.

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:19

They even stood together for photos

God no, I've already had to ask the photographer not to do this because they didn't want to be together on photos!!

It sounds daft Tulips but I worry about just letting loose on them with all these thoughts/feelings on the run up to the wedding. There's so much going on both with the wedding and in other areas of my life that I don't feel strong enough to deal with a parental fall out on top. So instead I'm just trying to do what I can to make the situation as easy as possible for them but it's proving to be impossible as the time goes on.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 01/07/2019 09:24

I think you should all meet up a few times before the wedding and get the worse of being awkward over with. Be clear that you expect good behaviour from everyone. If the badly behaved parents haven't apologised to the other parent for acting in a way they have agreed was wrong it needs to start with this. Good luck. Also, don't force a traditional top table on everyone if that would make things difficult.

Troels · 01/07/2019 09:25

My parents were like this, they were both spoken to by the bride and groom (my sisters wedding) They were told that this day wasn't about them, if they didn't think they could act like adults and stay away from each other and be polite, then don't come.
Both were seated away from each other, they avoided each other well. The ushers and best friends were the eyes and ears. Dad was warned once during the evening to to give it a rest or leave, and he was back on best behaviour. I think the drink loosened his behaviour for a bit.

AskMeHow · 01/07/2019 09:25

What @CalmdownJanet said with bells on.

Be brave OP.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/07/2019 09:28

My X did some awful things in our marriage and afterwards, we managed to stand together for a graduation photo and we'll do the same for our son's wedding. They need to grow up and put your needs first not theirs.

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:32

I think you should all meet up a few times before the wedding

They would never agree to this. I was told that if one tries to speak to the other they will tell them to 'fuck off'. So I've basically said to keep away from each other no matter what.

I'm not doing a top table either for this reason. I think I'm going to sit with DPs parents for the meal and they are going to sit on separate tables with their family.

OP posts:
Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:35

if the badly behaved parents haven't apologised to the other parent for acting in a way they have agreed was wrong it needs to start with this

I don't know whether this was ever done but honestly I feel like it would make no difference now. It's been too long and I know the hurt parent would not hear or accept it now. They don't want to speak to them at all or even be in the same photo/my house in the morning at the same time etc....

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 01/07/2019 09:36

OP you are already being massively accommodating with the ‘no top table’ thing. A PP suggested writing it all in an email, very bluntly. I completely agree with that course of action. Apparently they don’t listen if you drop hints. You’ve got this. I hope you have a lovely day.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/07/2019 09:37

Bloody hell OP they are being pathetic.

I'd be tempted to say grow up or no invite but it doesn't sound like you could hope with that. Why are they being so cruel to you when they profess to love you? They still have you as a child stuck in the middle of divorcing parents. If they won't change this you need to change how you react.

Merryoldgoat · 01/07/2019 09:38

Sorry, I’m going to voice an unpopular opinion, but I think it depends on what happened.

For example, if your dad had a second family, signed all his money over to other partner, divorced your mum and left her destitute and homeless then, yes, I’d not expect her to spend time with him and wouldn’t forgive him myself.

I’m not asking you to share what happened, only to consider if it is truly reasonable for the wronged parent to just deal with it and put a smile on.

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:41

I actually tried to confront one parent who doesn't want to be anywhere near or speak to the other but was told it's the other parents fault we are in this situation because of what they did so I can't win.

It's like I'm being punished or being disloyal somehow for wanting to have a relationship with the parent who was in the wrong.

Apparently I'm old enough to know now that me choosing to have a relationship with this parent has consequences for other people and I should respect that.

OP posts:
IceQueenCometh · 01/07/2019 09:41

I'm with @CMOTDibbler

I am one of the parents in a horrible divorce at the end of a horrible marriage, and I was the one very badly hurt. DCs in late teens.

DCs have already thrown "You won't be in the same room as other parent so my graduation / wedding will be a nightmare".

I've said no such thing.

So I have said to DCs "If it's what you want then I will be there and I will do whatever it takes to make the day what you want"

Yes it will be hard and yes I will probably hate every second. But I will smile for them and they will never know. Whatever the ex says or does.

Hopefully your parents will be able to do the same for you OP. Or I'd ask them to stay away