About feuding parents and my wedding

[HugItOutSon]

I am getting married shortly and my parents hate each other.

A lot happened when they divorced which I won't go into as it would long but one party was particularly hurt by the others actions (no physical violence or anything but still not very nice).

It took a lot of time for me to forgive this parent but ultimately I was a child who wanted a relationship with them still and eventually when they realised what they'd done and apologised we made it work. It's now a number of years later and we have a good relationship again.

I'm very close to the hurt parent and lived with them whilst growing up.

My wedding will be the first time they have been in the same room since they divorced. I feel like I am being tugged left and right between them, 'don't put me with them, don't do that with them, what am I supposed to do if they are doing that, I don't want to be at X place when they are there' etc...

I understand it was messy and I have been sympathetic to that since it happened (and as a child which perhaps I shouldn't have needed to be) however, AIBU to want to shout that I am being selfish for this one day and they will have to deal with this situation themselves.

I may be an adult now but this situation is nothing to do with me, I didn't cause it, I was an innocent party in the entire thing. I love both my parents and whilst I can agree that what one of them did was wrong, I have enough of a relationship with them now to want them there.

I don't want to remember my wedding day having to play bodyguard for my parents and stressing about who goes where or does what.

AIBU to say, I am your daughter, today is about me and DP, not what happened with you two and ask them to try and respect that I do not want to play piggy in the middle for this one day as I have been doing throughout my childhood.

could you write them both a letter.saying exactly what you and other have said in the above posts and just let them read it so their is no emotional scene no point for them to argue back at you they just have to read and re-read until they can come to terms with it.
so explain this is your day and you need them to be your parents here,that you love them with all your heart but this is the one day you just need them to show their love and let you be happy. that your aways sympathetic(to the hurt one) of what happened but it was your fault nor your doing so you need to be free of that burden just for one day.you will be sensitive to boths feelings but you have been doing this for them for so long you need them to rewturn it,you need them to be sensitive to you.for one day.putting aside their own shit for you for one day.please.do this for me mum/dad.
if there is aynthing you can do to make their day easier you will listen and try but can they please put you first so that this can be your choices your perfect day,
you love them and need the with you.they will make the day so special but need it to be on calm terms.

then maybe if you dont feel you can do this for me.i ont know whehter its would be ideal you coming.this woud never be my choice but i need to be happy and free for one day mum/dad.

could you go to your dad and say.listen dad i want to make sure you feel secure and happy but i need you there but i need it to be ok.so can we sort out for the seating or photos who you will be by,set it up so you will be ok but so that i can enjoy my day with both parents.its not that you excuse the actions but you need your parents there.kind of make an action plan.even a bloody code word if he needs some space?

YANBU

IF they can't bring themselves to behave for ONE FUCKING DAY then warn them that neither of them will be there.

You can't pick one over the other, that would be madness - but they have to appreciate that this day is about YOU and your DH to be, not fucking them.

They don't have to sit near each other (don't have a top table, for e.g.), they don't have to be in the same photos, they don't have to talk to each other or anything - but they DO have to grow the fuck up and put YOU before their age-old feud for ONE FUCKING DAY.

I hope they do, for your sake - but if they can't, then neither of them should come.

Could there be a compromise? Like, does she need to be at the house when you're getting ready? Could she not just meet you at the ceremony venue? That way, he doesn't have to sit in a small room with her whilst you get ready, which is probably the worst bit.

And then, if you don't have a top table, that awkwardness can be avoided, and if you don't have a bride/groom side, so they don't have to sit on the same side during the ceremony etc?

Bowie's, I've done all of that really.

Mum is coming to my house in the morning but I've said she needs to leave before dad comes so they both get some time / pictures with me etc... Which is what they wanted.

I missed the rest of the pages when I posted (must stop doing that!) but in essence I still think the same - it's rough on your Dad but he does have to really put his hurt aside for your sake. He shouldn't have to speak to your mum or pretend to be ok with her, but he does have to stop trashing your day because of what happened years ago.

This isn't on the same level but I had a sort of similar situation years ago with my ex-fiancé's parents - they really couldn't stand each other, despite the fact that he'd cheated but she'd then left and gone off with someone else so technically were both as bad as each other - but the father was the one who was bitter and wouldn't have anything to do with the mother (NOT the same as yours).
But when we got engaged I managed to get them both to come to a party at our house to meet my parents - it wasn't what I'd call comfortable but at least they all behaved with civility.

Your Dad really needs to learn that it's possible to do something for someone else without bitterness - no one's asking him to forgive your mum, or stand next to her or anything - just not fuck the whole day up for you and your fiancé.

Sadly I think you need a chat with your Dad - say that you know she hurt him terribly, but she is still your mother so will be at the wedding. You can say he's got a much larger role in the wedding - travelling there with you, giving you away, making a speech etc. You can say that she will just be there as an additional guest and can he see it in his heart to ignore the fact she is there just for you? Play it down etc.

Perhaps re the fact that your mum has remarried but not your dad.. perhaps he could have a “plus one” of sorts, his best friend or something, so he has someone who is there for him if he is struggling? They could also rein him in if he started acting unreasonably as well? I’m not saying you should have to, but equally I can see that I might feel lost if my ex was there, and all his extended family (which I don’t really have) so it would be a nice compromise.

You have done enough, OP. You really have tried to accommodate their wishes, changed the seating, checked with the photographer....really, it's enough.

I would send an email or text explaining your wishes and asking them to suck it up for one day. If they cannot support you in this, they should not be there.

Don't give it any more thought. It's not for you to manage their feelings.

It’s time to stop pandering to them. You’ve done enough.

Send that email upthread or one along very similar lines. I’d say your dad is behaving really badly now and injured party or not he needs to be told. And absolutely agree with them both quitting the whole business of pulling you both ways.

Enjoy your day. Remind them that this is hardly a unique situation and they simply have to manage it for themselves. For you to be worrying about them passing on the stairs etc is beyond ludicrous.

My dad's best friend is actually coming because I'm close to him. I was considering giving him another plus one but don't want to imply I think he needs to bring a date or anything.

I'm just trying to do what I can to make the situation as easy as possible for them

This really stood out for me; clearly you've been doing it most of your life while they selfishly used you to shore up their case, and they don't want to stop now

Therefore I suspect the problem won't so much be putting it to them, but convincing them you mean it. As things stand, there's also the risk they might appear to agree, but that one or other could wreck the morning of the wedding by ringing in hysterics, having decided the moment's come for the attention to switch back to them

How would you feel about framing it around your relationship with them, rather than their views of each other? As in "I understand that your relationship's no more, but do you really want to risk ours going the same way because of how you're behaving?"

Harsh, I know, but might it just shake them out of the habit they've got into - if only for the wedding?

howdo you feel with your mum now?

Kate, it seems like another life now to be honest. It still stings when I think about it too long, if you asked me I'd still say I don't understand how she could do it to me but then I feel like she's a different person now.

I chose to forgive her so I had to let it go. If I kept going over it I probably wouldn't have been able to have a relationship with her.

I was in exactly the same situation. My wedding was the first time my parents were going to be in the same room for over twenty years, plus I had a stepmother to deal with.

I suggest two things. One is that as well as talking to them, you nominate one person for each of them to be a minder - level with this person and make sure that they stick with their nominated parent and make sure no trouble occurs. My aunt and uncle were incredibly helpful in this. Then you can focus on your day and not them.

Also, can you find a counsellor? Not to sort this mess out - that's a bigger job for after the wedding, but just someone to whom you can explain the whole situation and rant at safely for an hour each week. That might take some of the pressure off you as well.

And the good news is that my parents, despite everything, behaved impeccably. There are a lot of other people around, and that will keep them in order. They're probably both v anxious about it as well, but aren;'t letting this out in a way that helps you at all. I hope you have a fabulous day to.

I don't agree with what my mum did and she knows this. But I can't just stop loving or wanting a relationship with her because of it. We worked really hard over the years to build it back up again after she lost my trust and I'm happy now with where we are. I haven't forgotten but I've forgiven

You might not think so OP, but in view of your updates about what you've been put through I'd say your emotional maturity's pretty stunning a shame your parents don't want to match it

Just a small thought, but are you absolutely sure about having your mother there on the wedding morning? You know best of course, but if you ask her to leave because your dad's on his way, might that give her an opportunity to kick off?

pretty amazing that youve both done this op.and actually not minimising what your mum did BUT sounds like she too must have worked her ass off to become a better or forgivable person.or for atl leadt working with you to build this relationship up with you again.this shows something special in her i think too.as some parents wouldnt do this or work so hard to get that relationship back.so that is something our dad also needs to be aware of.and he is diminishing all the effort you and your mum have had to go through.

I chose to forgive her so I had to let it go. If I kept going over it I probably wouldn't have been able to have a relationship with her.

I know you're an adult now but you say you were 14/15 when this happened. The above is deeply mature and insightful for someone that age and I think your younger self dealt with an awful situation remarkably well.

Your parents need to stop for a moment and realise how proud they should be to have such a self aware and considerate daughter who managed to deal so well with a situation she never should have been put it. They are lucky that you still yearn to nurture your relationships with them after everything you've been through, very lucky!

This is about you OP, not your parents. Please make sure you remember that.

@HugItOutSon - YANBU expecting a normal and enjoyable wedding day. As others have observed you’ve been totally accommodating about their feelings. They need to be a thoughtful towards you and their new SonIL now.

Your wedding day is a celebration marking the start of your marriage. It also marks the point when the priority focus of your allegiances change to your new spouse and your loyalties to your parents take a step back.

Your marriage creates a new family - even if you do not go on to have children - and is a mature and considered decision to commit to love, cherish and support each other from this point forward.

This is also an opportunity to send out a clear message to both your parents that you are now an adult in charge of your own life. They should have never involved you in the details of their marriage break up, but that happened and you cannot undo it. But you can use your wedding as a clear point in time for them to stop involving you anymore.

I think the ‘injured party’ has nursed this hurt for so long it has become a part of them. Encourage them to seek professional help if necessary - they should have done that rather than lean on you as a child.

Be the adult now, put an end to this hurtful behaviour, send the excellent email from PP (or use your own words on this thread in an email or hand written letter). And then shut them down if they try to keep it going.

It will be hard, but it will also show your DH that you care about your future together and you will not allow anyone to interfere in that.

Congrats on your wedding btw. 🎉

Thank you for that! I question myself a lot so it's nice to hear from outsiders that I'm doing okay!

Re my mum being there in the morning. I do want her to be really. I only have one bridesmaid and I could use her help with getting ready. As great as my dad is, I don't think he'd be much help with my hair/ getting in dress etc...!

My dad is coming after I'm ready for pictures and to drive with me to the ceremony so I've asked my mum to go by this point which she has said she will.

What a difficult situation for you OP.

Childhood friend was in a very similar situation though her DM was the wronged party.

Friend had made lots of accommodations for her DM (sounds again similar to you re: top table/photos etc) but as the wedding drew nearer the requests kept coming and grew increasingly onerous and essentially unworkable.

Friend felt it was very much a ploy to get her to capitulate and rescind her DF's invitation (or for him to say he wasn't coming as the demands were getting ridiculously impractical).

In the end it took a family intervention to resolve. Friend spoke to her DM's older sister who went to see her and spelt out very firmly (but kindly) that she needed to stop this behaviour. She was making her DD ill with stress and if she continued it would have negative long term consequences for their relationship.

Yes, people were sympathetic to her hurt, but it wasn't fair or appropriate to make her child a pawn in her battles and that she needed to focus on being a good parent rather than a vengeful Ex-wife.

As it was, despite all the drama the day went without a hitch. Both her DM and DF behaved impeccably.

As a pp had said I think people build issues like these up in their head but when confronted by the reality of the situation there's an acceptance that there's no point allowing resentment from the past to cloud your future.

Is there anyone your DF might listen to? Frankly if he won't listen to you then I do think it would be wise to get someone else to speak to him (a sibling, grandparent or even your Fiancé).

Good luck

They’re lucky to have a daughter like you OP. Please don’t be hard on yourself an don’t let them drain you emotionally any longer. They can find support elsewhere. Now they need to be there for you .

@HugItOutSon Op I'm sorry you had to go through that but your dad really needs to get over it if you have! My DH saw and went through a LOT worse but still has a civil relationship with both of his parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ its just life...

Poor you OP, you’re doing amazingly well in a very sad situation and you sound much more mature than either of your parents.

That said, I can sort of understand where your Dad is coming from. Do you think that he feels betrayed by your forgiving your Mum and is, perhaps subconsciously, making a fuss to punish you for that? Presumably he would prefer her not to be invited and can’t get his head round the idea that you would want her there, so he’s ramping up the hurt on his side to make you reconsider?

I think you mentioned upthread that you already have kids, is that right? How do they deal with co-grandparenting?

Do you think that he feels betrayed by your forgiving your Mum

I do think this definitely. I think he feels like he picked up the pieces and dealt with the upset afterwards and then my mum who caused it gets to continue her relationship with me scot-free.

There's been times when he's said he feels second best because ive done X y or z with mum even though he's the one who was there for me the most.

I'm always appreciative of what he did for me, despite this situation he's a brilliant Dad, he went through a lot himself. But I hate the constant tugging (and I do get it from both sides, not just dad) between them. I can't do this or that because one of them will feel 2nd best etc...

It's like I have to pick a favourite.