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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About feuding parents and my wedding

149 replies

HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 08:46

I am getting married shortly and my parents hate each other.

A lot happened when they divorced which I won't go into as it would long but one party was particularly hurt by the others actions (no physical violence or anything but still not very nice).

It took a lot of time for me to forgive this parent but ultimately I was a child who wanted a relationship with them still and eventually when they realised what they'd done and apologised we made it work. It's now a number of years later and we have a good relationship again.

I'm very close to the hurt parent and lived with them whilst growing up.

My wedding will be the first time they have been in the same room since they divorced. I feel like I am being tugged left and right between them, 'don't put me with them, don't do that with them, what am I supposed to do if they are doing that, I don't want to be at X place when they are there' etc...

I understand it was messy and I have been sympathetic to that since it happened (and as a child which perhaps I shouldn't have needed to be) however, AIBU to want to shout that I am being selfish for this one day and they will have to deal with this situation themselves.

I may be an adult now but this situation is nothing to do with me, I didn't cause it, I was an innocent party in the entire thing. I love both my parents and whilst I can agree that what one of them did was wrong, I have enough of a relationship with them now to want them there.

I don't want to remember my wedding day having to play bodyguard for my parents and stressing about who goes where or does what.

AIBU to say, I am your daughter, today is about me and DP, not what happened with you two and ask them to try and respect that I do not want to play piggy in the middle for this one day as I have been doing throughout my childhood.

OP posts:
Ferfeckssake · 01/07/2019 09:43

A ,bridal party only top table or just you and DH is the way to go.
You have enough to worry about. Do you have any siblings or maybe DH could have the conversation with them separately as to what your expectations of their behaviour is. Any problems with that , then please don't stay for the reception.
Hope you and your DH get to fully enjoy your day.Flowers

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:43

Merry, no it wasn't that but it was pretty bad. It involved a lot of cheating but not your standard affair. The person who they were cheating with was pretty awful.

I'd say there was a lot of emotional damage as well just from the way the parent went about leaving.

OP posts:
BerylCrow · 01/07/2019 09:45

after this email I expect neither of you to discuss the other or past hurts with me, I have lived it too and I am done with it

This is very, very good phrasing.

Alternatively, I'd like to tell you what my DP's two older children did. They didn't invite their own mother (DP's exW) to their weddings. She had previously left their dad and them for OM, but that's not the reason.

They say it's that they cannot rely on her not to spoil the day - especially after a drink. They just weren't prepared to risk it, not for themselves, not for their fiancees, not for their other guests.

It's very sad, but sometimes parents have to reap what they sow.

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:45

I don't have any siblings no so it's just me in the middle!

I could maybe ask DP to speak to them I guess but then I'd feel bad getting him involved ha!

OP posts:
FindaPenny · 01/07/2019 09:46

Can u ask a friend/family member to keep an eye on things for you.... Hopefully no arguments will occur but it might make you feel better to know that someone else other than you is shouldering the responsibility.

crustycrab · 01/07/2019 09:47

I don't understand why you haven't asked them to stop and just be your parents.

So your dad cheated on your mum with her best friend or something like that?

It happens and sounds like it was a long time ago. Being brutal but she needs to get over it and they both need to be your parents and grow up.

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:47

Yes, I've asked my two Grans to keep an eye out for me which I know they will.

I'm still stressing about them passing on the stairs or something though!!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/07/2019 09:48

@HugItOutSon

If it had happened to you how’s would you cope/deal with it?

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:48

Crusty, sort of but probably worse I'd say and it was the other way around.

OP posts:
FallenSkies · 01/07/2019 09:50

I have a similar situation with my family, and felt so anxious in the lead up to my wedding.
My DH, who also has separated parents, reminded me that when our parents chose to have children they knew they would be tied to each other for the rest of their lives. As the children, we are not to blame for them having to spend time together. They made that decision 30 odd years ago.
We had no parents on the top table, just bridesmaids and groomsmen, and parents say elsewhere in the room separately. They posed for photos together because even though it made them uncomfortable it wasn't about them.
I know it's a pain, but how you deal with this sets the standard for the future. If you have kids do you want them to feel the burden of their grandparents being at the same party etc?
A moment of pain now telling them to grow the fuck up will save you a lot of pain in the future

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 09:51

Merry, I totally understand why the hurt party does not want to speak to the other and I've been as accomodating as possible on that front but I'd like to think if it were me, I'd not make my child aware of these concerns at all given that it isn't what they should be stressing about on the lead up to their wedding day. I'd like to think I could put it to one side and understand that the issues between us as parents are nothing to do with our child and respect that they love us both.

But then I'm not in that situation so it's easy for me to say.

OP posts:
Mayday19 · 01/07/2019 09:51

If ever there was a situation that called for an elopement

stucknoue · 01/07/2019 09:53

Yes you have every right to say they need to put you first. I suggest you get together with them sooner rather than later, ideally without any new partners (so the 3 of you) and you sit them down and tell them. Make it easier by not having any parents on the top table and consider letting both or neither of your parents make a speech. Offer to let them both walk you down the aisle (quite common now). Be firm they need to put he past behind for one day.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/07/2019 09:53

Very good point made by FallenSkies about the future. If you don't deal with this now what will happen when you have children? Two first birthday parties, Christmas day war, stealth christening so you avoid all this crap. I really feel for you.

Provincialbelle · 01/07/2019 09:53

Short answer: the wedding is about you. It is not about them. If they make it about them, the exits are clearly marked. Your new DH should police this ruthlessly

HiJenny35 · 01/07/2019 09:54

I know everyone says it's your day and you should do what you want but personally I wouldn't want to force one of my parents to spend the day with someone who had treated them badly, even if it was years ago. Just because you have managed to forgive and move on to have a relationship with them the other party is obviously still very hurt. Personally I would ask them if they would feel happier attending the ceremony and ask the other party to just attend the evening. Yes this means the wronged party misses out on the evening but personally I would hate to be forced into spending time (even the same room) with someone who had treated me badly. If not I would think through every way I could make it as easy as I could, separate photos, tables, speeches, thanks, each aspect.

newmomof1 · 01/07/2019 10:00

YANBU, your parents are pathetic

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 10:02

If ever there was a situation that called for an elopement

Ha true! But it's not what we want. Its not fair on the rest of our families who actually do manage to put us first!

OP posts:
thedevondumpling · 01/07/2019 10:02

I actually tried to confront one parent who doesn't want to be anywhere near or speak to the other but was told it's the other parents fault we are in this situation because of what they did so I can't win.

I feel so sorry for you. I take it the "hurt" parent is the one causing the problem? They are being incredibly selfish and whichever one was filling your head with their "hurt" when you were a child that was also wrong. It makes me wonder how innocent they actually were in all that went on, sometimes people bring things on themselves and if they are willing to hurt their own child so much maybe they drove the other parent to what they did.

I am divorced, we spent 20 years not seeing each other, there was no need so it never happened. When our child was planning their wedding we were told they wouldn't seat us both on top table to avoid awkwardness. We both said there was no need, it isn't even as if you have to sit next to each other. It was fine, adults really should put their child first.

I hope they behave and don't spoil your day. Perhaps the "hurt" parent needs a bit of tough love to move on.

Rainbowknickers · 01/07/2019 10:03

I had this while pregnant with my 1st
My family had split into two sides following the death of my grandmother and I refused to take sides
I was getting ‘he/she did/said’ and it was brutal
Really changed how I saw members of my whole family
It was all very dark shit
I really wish I’d pulled my big girl knickers up and told the whole lot of em to just fuck off and let me enjoy my pregnancy
You are not being unreasonable at all-they either put everything to one side for you-or don’t bother coming
If they love you then they’ll see it’s not about them-but you and your big day

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 10:04

HiJenny, but is that not just expecting your children to deal with their parents issues? I may be an adult but I am innocent in all this. Surely I should be allowed a 'normal' wedding day when I've not actually done anything wrong?

I didn't choose to be born, I didn't choose for my parents to divorce, I didn't choose any of this. It shouldn't be my responsibility to police the situation because my parents can't do it themselves.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 01/07/2019 10:07

I was in this situation (long time ago now) and I’ll tell you what should happen: your parents should have said to you - I love you, this I s your special day and I will do everything I can to make it amazing. Your dad/mum and I are so proud and looking forward to it. And then they should shut the fuck up about them and grow up/behave.

Whether they will or not, well...

Have the best day and focus on you and your partner xxx

Buyitinbamboo · 01/07/2019 10:07

I think your DP should sit them down (because he can't be guilted like you can) and say this is your special day and they will have to put up with it, that they won't be made to sit next to each other or have photos, but they will be in the same room and they will be civil or they will be escorted away (groomsmen/whoever on hand to see this through without you getting involved and doing it discretely)

IHateUncleJamie · 01/07/2019 10:08

They each hosted their own table with their relatives and a few friends

This is sensible, as is pps advice to email. Your parents have “parentified” you @HugItOutSon and have put you in the position of mediator, which is completely unacceptable. You are their child, not their parent, friend or counsellor. They have failed in their duty to protect you and you are more mature than both of them.

For once in their lives they need to put YOU first and themselves second. This is a simple ultimatum - behave like grownups and put you first or they don’t come. You do not want any more discussion than that. If they choose to come then you will ensure that they are not seated together but other than that, it is up to them to act with civility and behave like parents, not like children.

You also need to shut down any talk of disloyalty and all other attempts at emotional blackmail, manipulation and bringing you into their issues. They have done quite enough of that already. You are in NO way responsible for their emotional wellbeing.

So, simple choice - “behave like grownups and put me first for once OR don’t come. End of.”

3dogs2cats · 01/07/2019 10:10

You are still parenting them . They have not been fair. It may help you if you stop thinking of them as the innocent and the guilty party. It seems to me that the innocent one has been manipulating you and playing the victim for years. You are not responsible for their happiness.
This is your day and your life. You have made enough compromises. They need to shape up or ship out. Send the email and refuse to discuss it further. The victim will flounce. Let them.