About feuding parents and my wedding

[HugItOutSon]

I am getting married shortly and my parents hate each other.

A lot happened when they divorced which I won't go into as it would long but one party was particularly hurt by the others actions (no physical violence or anything but still not very nice).

It took a lot of time for me to forgive this parent but ultimately I was a child who wanted a relationship with them still and eventually when they realised what they'd done and apologised we made it work. It's now a number of years later and we have a good relationship again.

I'm very close to the hurt parent and lived with them whilst growing up.

My wedding will be the first time they have been in the same room since they divorced. I feel like I am being tugged left and right between them, 'don't put me with them, don't do that with them, what am I supposed to do if they are doing that, I don't want to be at X place when they are there' etc...

I understand it was messy and I have been sympathetic to that since it happened (and as a child which perhaps I shouldn't have needed to be) however, AIBU to want to shout that I am being selfish for this one day and they will have to deal with this situation themselves.

I may be an adult now but this situation is nothing to do with me, I didn't cause it, I was an innocent party in the entire thing. I love both my parents and whilst I can agree that what one of them did was wrong, I have enough of a relationship with them now to want them there.

I don't want to remember my wedding day having to play bodyguard for my parents and stressing about who goes where or does what.

AIBU to say, I am your daughter, today is about me and DP, not what happened with you two and ask them to try and respect that I do not want to play piggy in the middle for this one day as I have been doing throughout my childhood.

He thinks she should consider herself lucky to be invited at all never mind be coming to special moments like helping me get ready etc...

But what he's not appreciating is that I have chosen to continue a relationship with her and that relationship has been going solidly now for years so I want her there. It's not just because she's my mum so I feel a duty, it's because we have a relationship now. He doesn't understand why I would want that.

I really am sorry for what your going through OP. You shouldn't have to torture yourself mentally like this.

However, I think this thread really serves as a stark reminder that it absolutely does matter what your children see and hear during a break up and that parents actions and behaviours during and after can affect children well into adulthood.

Op... tell them
In
No uncertain terms that you refuse to be put in the middle and you deserve to have a relationship with 2 parents and they should
Sort their problems between them without involving u.

Generally, anyone who plays the victim card that vigorously after their partner had sex elsewhere is likely to have deserved to be dumped. Because holding on to that much spite is what a selfish, controlling person does. It sounds like your father still wants to control you, given that he's the one putting up all the obstacles. I bet he's controlled and manipulated you for a long time.

I think this has some validity. The wronged party milking the hurt as a means of control.

I think an email to both, outlining your expectations for behaviour, or not to come, is the right thing to do. And maybe your DP to hammer the point home with your dad to reinforce that you mean business.

It looks from your updates that your mum gets it, and won't rock the boat, but your dad needs to put his hurt, and hate, away for you for this one day.

You shouldn't be expected to take sides, no, but I'm surprised you didn't. They absolutely need to put this shit aside and act like adults for your wedding day though, or re them both not to bother.

It sounds like you have tried many times to get your Dad to see that you want a relationship with your Mum but he is too blinded by the hurt to absorb it or respect what you are telling him.

What precisely do you think might happen if they cross paths? Do you worry he’ll lose his temper, or that she will somehow bait him or make sarky comments, or what? Unless your family is full Jeremy Kyle you’re not fearing an actual Dad on Mum slanging March or physical confrontation are you?

It sounds more like your Dad is saying that your Mum being there will spoil the day for him as he’ll have to witness her involvement and/or keep looking over his shoulder to make sure he avoids her. If that’s the case then it’s not about them agreeing to “behave” it’s more about getting him to a point where he can enjoy the day properly with her there. Not sure how you can achieve that, to be honest.

Have you asked him to do a father of the Bride speech? What about you introduce him yourself by very briefly saying a few words about how he has been your rock through many difficult times for both of you, so that he gets the satisfaction of seeing you tell all your guests that he stepped up to the plate when your Mum left- the ones who know the history will get that without you having to give any detail and your Mum surely would accept that it is fair comment given the facts. I know it’s not traditional for the bride to speak but it’s getting more common and you could shake things up a little just to give him his moment of recognition.

You shouldn't be expected to take sides, no, but I'm surprised you didn't

Well I did at first. I was extremely hurt by my mum and it took a long time for me to want to begin working on something resembling a parent child relationship again. It wasn't all roses immediately.

However, I did desperately want my mum. I was a young teenage girl and I craved the mum I used to have so eventually I chose to give her another opportunity once she'd accepted what she'd done and it worked out well for us.

What precisely do you think might happen if they cross paths?

Ok so I'm not expecting a bust up. They aren't the sort at all. However, I really wouldn't be surprised if there were some raised voices, sarcastic comments, the odd fuck and off thrown in if baited etc...

So long as they aren't forced together, I don't think my dad will say or do anything but I am concerned about my mum thinking she can fix it by just 'having a chat' which I know will not work and will just antagonise the situation. I've asked her to promise not to do this.

NotCoping, he is doing a speech yes. I really like your idea of saying something myself about him and I will give it serious consideration.

Great. I spoke about my parents at my wedding because they had both passed away and I wanted them to be acknowledged. That’s what gave me the thought of using a non-traditional bride’s speech to achieve something specific in unusual circumstances.

You are some daughter OP to have emerged from such a dreadful situation.

Clearly you have massive self awareness and a great capacity to forgive.

They both sound like very controlling, self absorbed people.

Your Mother sounds like a right piece of work, but your father sounds very controlling.

His pain, is not your pain.

You are allowed to choose to move on, which has taken great strength from you.

Him thinking he can dictate your choices as an adult is deeply unhealthy.

I wish you the very best in your future.
You really deserve it.

Op when I was pregnant with my dd my partner tried to force an abortion. When I didn't he trashed my house, abused me, took all my money and left. When my dd was born he continued the abuse.

My dd is older now and doesn't want a relationship for her own reasons. She may change her mind in future.

I would never tell her what her dad did to me. It is not her cross to bear, and I don't want to force her loyalty.

Your parents behaviour is despicable and they are still playing piggy in the middle with you, their child whom they should have protected from their squabbles. I would absolutely be telling them to grow up or don't attend. Telling each other to 'fuck off' at your wedding is beyond immature and their behaviour is designed to control and ruin your day. I think you need to take back the control and let them know you are tired of navigating their hate for each other and no longer want a part of it, they are risking their relationship with you. This is on them to solve, not you.

Thank you xx

They aren't awful people. This thread doesn't paint them in the best light at all I realise but I do feel loved by them. There have been lots of times where they've helped me hugely, my dad especially.

They didn't handle a bad situation very well clearly! Without making excuses for my mum, I look back now as an adult and I just feel like she's a completely different person now. She has explained it to me since I've been grown that she was in a very dark place with depression etc and made some terrible mistakes, ones that I know she'd take back in a heartbeat if she could.

I have accepted that and I've also accepted that my dad won't forgive and forget but I feel like my choices and decisions, wants and needs for my future relationship with them both should matter too or even matter most if anything (without sounding too selfish!).

You have a lot of insight and emotional maturity! More than me, you should be proud.

You've mentioned a few times about 'being selfish'.

OP you sound scared to put yourself first. I think you've been manipulated by this situation into thinking that it's selfish to want your parents to put you first. It is not. They should be doing that anyway, you should not need to ask.

Your dad's pain is understandable but it is not up to you to bear it. Your mother's 'terrible mistakes' were awful but they are not your fault, if you have forgiven them then that is your decision. You should not have to worry about the consequences on other people for having a relationship with your own parent.

They decided to have a child and tie themselves together for life. Ok so they might not have known what was going to happen in the future and they might not like having to deal with each other now but I bet your parents don't regret you. They were adults who chose to create a life together. They've split up, life has happened, but their responsibility to you has to come first. It's part of the duty you take when you have a child with someone and a reason it should never been a decision taken lightly.

Firstly congratulations on your wedding and I hope that you do have a wonderful day ..

Echo what other posters say re the adults behaving ..

Just one other little thing for you to consider ...
People have affairs for all kinds of reasons and I never think anyone but the actual couple themselves deserve to have an opinion as no one else really knows what goes on behind closed doors..

Obviously the impact affected you and you perhaps had challenges with your mother due to this . If you can forgive her for that - great - she’s the only mother you’ll ever have.
But the the affair - that’s not really for you to forgive- that’s your dads area.
He seems to be following a “ pantomime baddie “ script that is all too common ... “she did wrong all society should boo her “ ... that’s not right or fair on you ..
It’s his relationship breakdown and for him to deal with ... not inflict painfully on others least of all you ....
Don’t be guilted into anything, action , feeling or emotional ...
it’s his / their shit ..... good luck x

Hello, you could be right. Although I am a people pleaser by nature, I hate confrontation and would sooner do what someone else wanted than stand up for what I do in most situations. It sounds pretty sad written down!

My parents divorced in 1996. My Mum has an affair.

I got married in 2001 and my Mum STILL has a pop about my Dad at the wedding. It's like she can't let go, even though he is the hurt party.

My parents had a very acrimonious divorce (no affair, just argued all the time) and my dad couldn't stand my Mum, So much so that it put me off getting married for a long time. When my dh and I did decide to get married, my dad said he wouldn't come to the wedding because he didn't want to be in the same room as my mums side of the family. Very childish behaviour. My husband and I have said that no matter what happens between us in the future, we will always be civil for the sake of the dcs.

Similar sort of thing happened with my step son. His mum(my dh's ex wife) had an affair with her boss and was still with him. I met dh after they'd separated, so I wasn't involved in that way.
Anyway, when it came to step son's wedding, it all kicked off. I was quite happy to be invited, never mind where I was seated and told them so. Ex wife's fella kicked off, if he wasn't on the top table then the family weren't accepting him and the ex wife's life choices, it's humiliating, how dare they etc etc. Then the step son's mum said if he wasn't sat on the top table with her she wasn't coming, got a bit heated! Dh and I weren't making a fuss btw.
Come the finish, everyone sat on the top table, it was easiest all round but if it had been me, I would have said don't come then.
Families!

Mine divorced in the 70s. Same shit different week until early 80s.
Fast forward to my wedding......I’m not paying for that if he’s not paying for this!
I’m not standing next to her she’s no longer my wife!
What a pair of kids..couldn’t even behave like adults for one day!
So, I went abroad and didn’t invite either of them!
I totally empathise with you.
This is YOUR day, they had theirs. Write to each of them, explain that this is your day, not their battlefield. Tell them that how you have felt thru the yrs and tell them to choose. Be a grown up or No invite. No discussion. Or just putting it out there, would you like to have a destination wedding ? I married on a tiny island in Canada in a wooden church (still in front of God, in case it’s about religion) but I had the most relaxed wonderful day of celebration, instead of tension and anxiety.
I wish you all the best and a wonderful wedding and a happy marriage❤️

In your position, I would tell both parties exactly what you said in your original post. Make it clear that it is their responsibility to police themselves on the day and that you will not be going back and forth with demands and accommodations.
Explain that they have exactly one chance to behave well on YOUR day, and that if they step out of line they will be asked to leave.
Then put someone else in your family in charge of policing this.

OP
Wise words I read on here.

"When you stay quiet to keep the peace,
you create a war inside yourself".

Don't create a war. You are not in the least bit selfish to want to choose the type of relationship you have with either parent.

You clearly didn't have any control as a child and had to put up with so much.

Now as an adult, your needs have to be expressed and heard.

If not, it can lead to unexpressed anger and on to depression.

Tell them that either they both promise to behave themselves and suck it up for the day, or they don't come. End of. No restrictions, no conditions - either behave or don't come and you don't want to hear a negative word either way.

Couldn't have put it better.