About feuding parents and my wedding

[HugItOutSon]

I am getting married shortly and my parents hate each other.

A lot happened when they divorced which I won't go into as it would long but one party was particularly hurt by the others actions (no physical violence or anything but still not very nice).

It took a lot of time for me to forgive this parent but ultimately I was a child who wanted a relationship with them still and eventually when they realised what they'd done and apologised we made it work. It's now a number of years later and we have a good relationship again.

I'm very close to the hurt parent and lived with them whilst growing up.

My wedding will be the first time they have been in the same room since they divorced. I feel like I am being tugged left and right between them, 'don't put me with them, don't do that with them, what am I supposed to do if they are doing that, I don't want to be at X place when they are there' etc...

I understand it was messy and I have been sympathetic to that since it happened (and as a child which perhaps I shouldn't have needed to be) however, AIBU to want to shout that I am being selfish for this one day and they will have to deal with this situation themselves.

I may be an adult now but this situation is nothing to do with me, I didn't cause it, I was an innocent party in the entire thing. I love both my parents and whilst I can agree that what one of them did was wrong, I have enough of a relationship with them now to want them there.

I don't want to remember my wedding day having to play bodyguard for my parents and stressing about who goes where or does what.

AIBU to say, I am your daughter, today is about me and DP, not what happened with you two and ask them to try and respect that I do not want to play piggy in the middle for this one day as I have been doing throughout my childhood.

Similar happened with my parents. I’m the eldest kid, so my events were the testing ground. We managed ‘two’ of everything (birthday parties, Xmas, etc) but there comes a point when it has to be joint.

I can tell you, for all the fuss beforehand, and ‘riders’ attached to every rsvp, when it came to the day it was all remarkable in its banality. Truth is, we build someone’s power over us up in our minds, and the reality seldom matches. We finally share a space with them and realise they are just human- older sadder ones at that. The balloon of rage, fear, resentment, whatever just deflates.

I wouldnt put all these measures in place for the event. Don’t bother. Send the email suggested further up thread, about them being adults. They will read between the lines, that whoever pisses you off by acting dramatically/childishly will lose your respect and damage the future relationship with YOU. And everyone will know. That can work wonders. I would however put someone in charge of each, in regards to alcohol consumption. Someone who can be trusted to be blunt.

Alcohol and nostalgia isn’t a good mix. Other than that, don’t give the issue any more oxygen. You concentrate on having a great time, full stop. Oh, and remember to eat, brides often don’t!

Oh gosh, you could be talking about my parents and wedding! I was lucky enough that they stood in photos together, but i/DSis had to tell DM to stop being pathetic and give in. I'd had so much stress I'd even been close to cancelling the wedding. DF was fine about being civil but DM was hard work.

Either they need to pack it in or you exclude them entirely. Seriously, you don't want any stress or misery on your day and they'll only do just that. They need to act like adults.

Same with my IL’s. MIL cheated on FIL multiple times and eventually left him for none other than his best friend . FIL was understandably absolutely heartbroken after 20 years of marriage and to lose his best friend too in one fell swoop... Horrible, nasty divorce ensued, this was about ten years ago now. FIL is very mature about it all, he’s moved on and has no qualms about being in the same room as her (even though she’s still with his ex best friend to this date!) but MIL will not go anywhere near him. She’s basically said she won’t attend our wedding if FIL is there, at all. We both get on more with FIL and see him more so have just told her whatever basically, her choice.

I think you’ll just have to be assertive and reason with them both. It’s your day, not theirs and they need to stop making it all about themselves. If they really can’t get over seeing the other one there, they’ll have to bow out.

This should be a lesson to anyone procreating though! Remember you will still have to occasionally face the other parent when your children are adults.

My friend was in your situation OP. What worked for her was that her fiancé spoke to her parents separately and gave them the FIFO message. He couldn’t be guilted by them and gave them a frank outsiders view of their behaviour and its impact on their daughter. They were shocked and embarassed and came to the wedding and behaved.

Recently attended my dd2's wedding where there were a huge amount of family politics at play and yes, we actually survived it.

My sil's brother refused to come because he couldn't cope with the occasion and he has serious MH issues. Sad, but understood. His DM is very difficult and also has MH issues and was not going to come either. His aunts wouldn't come if his mother was there. Wow.

My dd1 is separated and her dh came and sat with us. Awkward but there you have it.

Outcome was that brother turned up unannounced 20 mins before the ceremony and the venue happily seated him and his girlfriend providing a meal. I only realised he was there when I greeted his mum. I was so happy to see him particularly for my son in law. His mum behaved impeccably and only hairy moment was when she got the mic after the speeches, but hey it was fine.

His brother was fine, a bit tearful but very welcome.

DD1's ex, well he moaned to me throughout the evening and I just told him that I was not there to take sides and we just let it wash over us. He moaned about the meal but happily scoffed the lot. Moaned about the name cards. Moaned about it "not being his weekend for the kids". Just ignored it and it didn't impact on the brilliant, happy day. There is always a moaner and it is about their unhappiness with themselves not you.

They can do it op. It is not about them. If our nightmare scenario worked out ok then yours can too. The moaning aunt did not come and nobody cared. His grandmothers also hate each other but came down to breakfast together next day.

I hope it works out for you and be happy.

It is hard. I divorced ds1’s dad when he was tiny, due to his violence, and we have very limited contact now (in fact now ds is old enough to sort his own travel no contact at all). However I have already said to ds that if / when he gets married I will do everything I can to make sure he can have all his loved ones there. Even if that means gritting my teeth. So while I do sympathise with how hard this must be for your dps, YANBU at all to expect them to put you first for this one day.

Sounds like the hurt parent is putting more pressure on than the other one, which must be difficult for you to deal with if that is the one you are closer to. And if they are threatening to back out of the wedding that is another stress that you don't need.

I have some sympathy for the hurt parent if what happened affected you through your childhood, and they (hurt parent) were the one that had to deal with it on a day to day basis - it's understandable that if they felt you suffered they would not want to see the person responsible again!

However, there also seems to be a slight undercurrent of the hurt parent leaning on you a little too much as well. Without knowing the details (nor should we, it's not our business!) it is hard to judge whether hurt parent is right in their concerns about letting the other parent back in to your life. You are best placed to make that judgement.

You can stress to hurt parent that you want them there, how much a part of your life they are, appreciate their help over the years - but you also want your other parent there. It's probably just occurred to hurt parent that there will be other occasions going forward where it will be difficult to avoid, it's just that your wedding is the first one.

They should absolutely make the effort on the day, even if one of them leaves very early or whatever it takes.

OP, that sounds so stressful.

I think the email to both is the best idea.

I'd also reflect on how you will feel if they do decide to behave badly and the consequences for them, your relationship with them if their behaviour spoils your day in any way.

I would spell out the consequences clearly.

Parents whom really love you would never dream of spoiling such a special day.

Spending your childhood in the middle of a bad marriage, breakup, divorce, knowing all the ins and outs was extremely abusive of you.

As a child you did not have the emotional intelligence and maturity to deal with this.
It was extremely selfish of them to include you.

Even harder as an only child. Just awful.

Best of luck.

Apparently I'm old enough to know now that me choosing to have a relationship with this parent has consequences for other people and I should respect that.

Hmm. Presumably, they were old enough (at the time) to realise that having a child meant there would be a constant link between them for the rest of their lives.

They chose that link, not you. Each parent chose the other one to be your mother/father. You did not chose. This is on them.

I'm with the "tell them to suck it up" camp. They don't have to be nice to each other. They don't have to sit together or talk to each other but if they pass on the stairs they should not flick the 'Vs' as they walk past.

This is not a lot to ask.

I was in the middle of a really hideous divorce when my son got married, (my XH had been extremely abusive and his behaviour quite disgusting). But I was determined that my son's wedding would not be ruined.
We managed to behave like civilised people for the day - I sat with my family, he sat with his. We didn't stand next to each other in photos - but that was fine.
And the reception went off without incident only one point where my sister had to have quiet word with X to modify his behaviour.

It was a hard day for me - but more so in the anticipation that he would be appalling or kick off in some way, than in the actual day itself. But I wouldn't have missed my son's wedding for the world, and now when I look back I remember the happy day it was not the fact that XH was there.

I am assuming your Mum was the one hurt - reassure her she doesn't actually have to have anything to do with him (my sons; wedding was small and we easily managed to keep out of each other's way) surround her with her own family so she has plenty of people to socialise with, but lay dow the stipulation that you expect everyone to be civilised because this is your day not theirs.

Apparently I'm old enough to know now that me choosing to have a relationship with this parent has consequences for other people and I should respect that.

Tell them ‘but I wasn’t old enough when you chose to tell me every little detail. You both should have protected me and not involved me in your battles.’

I am assuming your Mum was the one hurt

No, it was the other way around.

Thank you all for your comments, they are making me feel stronger.

It's just so hard. I love them both. I don't agree with what my mum did and she knows this. But I can't just stop loving or wanting a relationship with her because of it. We worked really hard over the years to build it back up again after she lost my trust and I'm happy now with where we are. I haven't forgotten but I've forgiven.

I can't even really mention her. It was the same growing up when I went to stay with her, I felt like I couldn't say what we'd done for the weekend etc...

It's just a mess!

is it something along the lines of mum had an affair with Dads brother, which in turn has affected the whole family?

God no, I've already had to ask the photographer not to do this because they didn't want to be together on photos!!

But wouldn't you like to have a photo on your wedding day of you with your mum and dad?

Surely they could put you first for one day?!

I think you need a blunt conversation with both of them (separately). That you do not need any stress or upset on your wedding day. That they are to be polite and behave, etc.

Are there going to be any step parents/new partners in the mix as well? I can imagine it is hard if one parent has to see the new partner of their ex on th day?

Okay so in brief, she had an affair which ended their marriage. There was lots of shouting, screaming, arguments etc... at home whilst all this was happening.

I confided in someone who I thought I could trust because I was confused and struggling to cope with what was happening (I was about 14/15 when this was going on) and they ended up cheating with her as well even though she knew they were the only person I had at the time (there were older than me). I was heartbroken by this and ended up depressed because I felt extremely alone and betrayed. My dad was a mess as well from it all and I stayed with him until I left home.

Generally, anyone who plays the victim card that vigorously after their partner had sex elsewhere is likely to have deserved to be dumped. Because holding on to that much spite is what a selfish, controlling person does. It sounds like your father still wants to control you, given that he's the one putting up all the obstacles. I bet he's controlled and manipulated you for a long time.

I think your dad has been incredibly unfair by making you responsible for his feelings, to the extent of using the hurt you went through as a child (that have yourself been able to forgive) as the reason. I second the idea of having someone less involved lay the law down because your parents know they can tie you in knots emotionally. It's not about whether your mum has the right to attend the wedding, it is about your right to invite the people you want and your right to expect the support of people who claim to love you. Your feelings on the matter come first on this occasion and a loving parent should want you to enjoy your wedding day and the build up without all this stress.

I think he genuinely doesn't understand why I want a relationship with her when he saw the way I was after it all but then it's my decision and one which I didn't take lightly at the time but have now managed to come through.

He did a lot for me to help me through although I also think I had to help him as well which was probably too much for someone my age at the time to deal with.

Yes, definitely just say 'Suck it up for this one day for me, or don't come'. Had this with my in-laws, only one of them has a problem with the other one as the other in law seems oblivious and doesn't think they did anything wrong. Blame was on both for the end of the marriage completely. It was okay on the day after we said this to them. We also didn't have a top table.

I said that I accepted it wasn't going to be easy but for one day, for your son, you need to put your feelings aside. And they did.

We've been to a wedding where the bride's mother was a total PITA about her ex, refusing to sit near him when we got to the church, even though they'd been divorced for well over 25 years and both parents were very happily remarried. Very stressful for the bride and groom in the build-up and on the day.

I'd send your DP to talk to both of them, and say how much all of this is unfairly stressing you out. And that he wants a promise from both of them that the day is about YOU and not them. This won't just be your wedding day, it is potentially going to involve children, christenings, birthdays etc and you need to start the way you mean to go on.

My parents were the same - I had a register office wedding instead of a church wedding, that Dad did come to but left straight after. But when my first DD was born, my Mum very generously let the past go (Dad had been unfaithful and OW ended up taking a restraining order out against Mum...........) and they've been amazing friends since. In fact my stepdad often takes my Dad for hospital appointments etc and they give him a lift on Christmas Day/buy him presents. I'm very proud of both of them for letting the water finally go under the bridge and didn't honestly think it would ever happen!

Sorry, not just refusing to sit near them, there were lots of little things over the whole weekend and on the day!

Apologies for assuming it was your Mum

You can't put a time limit on how hrt people feel or for how long. I'll probably always feel hurt by how my XH behaved. But I've always determined it won't affect my children and it is up to them what kind of relationship they have with him - their relationship is different from mine. You can fall out of love with your partner but in my book you never stop loving your hildren and wanting things to be good for them and to that end you sometimes have to sacrifice your own feelings. my DS has an OK relationship with his father, I don;t really want to hear about Xh or his life or anything about him, but I don't stop my DS mentioning him and I don't bad mouth him on front of DS, his relationship is his choice to make not mine.

Your wedding day is very important and your dad needs to set aside who the other guests are going to be and just think 'do I want to be part of this special day', anything else is irrelevant.

You shouldn't be bending over backwards and making yourself into a pretzel to accommodate then, they should be doing all the work

I went to a wedding with this situ with BOTH sets parents. They were talked to separately and told to behave and put their child first for one day. No bad behaviour, no passive aggressiveness to each other etc. They managed to pull it off out of respect for their kids. None of them drank on the day. Wound a toast so that helped. They were all four of them on separate tables. They probably didn’t have the best time to be frank but it really wasn’t about them.

Kurri, that's okay!

I totally understand why my dad is hurt. It was horrible for him. Totally destroyed his trust in most things and floored him.

Yes, he is the one who doesn't want to speak, stand/sit next to, have photographs together etc... Whereas my mum probably would if I asked but then I'm conscious that it's probably easier for my mum to do so given that she wasn't the injured party. She has also remarried whereas my dad hasn't so there's that too.