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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About feuding parents and my wedding

149 replies

HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 08:46

I am getting married shortly and my parents hate each other.

A lot happened when they divorced which I won't go into as it would long but one party was particularly hurt by the others actions (no physical violence or anything but still not very nice).

It took a lot of time for me to forgive this parent but ultimately I was a child who wanted a relationship with them still and eventually when they realised what they'd done and apologised we made it work. It's now a number of years later and we have a good relationship again.

I'm very close to the hurt parent and lived with them whilst growing up.

My wedding will be the first time they have been in the same room since they divorced. I feel like I am being tugged left and right between them, 'don't put me with them, don't do that with them, what am I supposed to do if they are doing that, I don't want to be at X place when they are there' etc...

I understand it was messy and I have been sympathetic to that since it happened (and as a child which perhaps I shouldn't have needed to be) however, AIBU to want to shout that I am being selfish for this one day and they will have to deal with this situation themselves.

I may be an adult now but this situation is nothing to do with me, I didn't cause it, I was an innocent party in the entire thing. I love both my parents and whilst I can agree that what one of them did was wrong, I have enough of a relationship with them now to want them there.

I don't want to remember my wedding day having to play bodyguard for my parents and stressing about who goes where or does what.

AIBU to say, I am your daughter, today is about me and DP, not what happened with you two and ask them to try and respect that I do not want to play piggy in the middle for this one day as I have been doing throughout my childhood.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 01/07/2019 10:11

What a nightmare. I'd send the exact email that @CalmdownJanet suggested. As regards seating, your idea of putting each of them at a table with their respective families is perfect. If you have enough in your bridal party then sit with them. If not, I'd actually go as far as sitting with my friends as opposed to Dh's parents, as that might just add fuel to the fire for your own parents. At the end of the day you have a relationship with both parents and neither has the right to try and ruin that for you.

mrvsmrs · 01/07/2019 10:11

Tell them both straight! Don't look at each other if you go to bump into each other walk the other way etc, you will do what you can to separate them as much as possible but this is YOUR day and you will not be made to feel like your choosing sides. If they cant deal with it then you will send them all the pics and they can enjoy it that way instead.

They sound VERY immature! If there was not physical/mental abuse etc then they need to get over it for the sake of one day!!

What are they going to do when you have a DC of your own? Baby shower/Christening/First birthday?? Keep having a go at you for there wrong doing and expect you to choose 1 or the other to invite 🤔🤔🤔

thedevondumpling · 01/07/2019 10:16

Surely I should be allowed a 'normal' wedding day when I've not actually done anything wrong?

Of course you should, please don't be afraid of being straight with them, it is one day and they need to grow up.

LemonTT · 01/07/2019 10:18

@FallenSkies
Pretty much sums it up.

They decided to have a child and in doing so took responsibility for being tied to each other for ever. It’s easy enough to ignore people at weddings. You have given them the space for this.

As others say explain to them that you won’t tolerate any further stress at events because of their past. If that means no invites, then it’s no invites. Otherwise you will have years of this and so will your children.

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 10:19

It's what they did to me that the other parent can't forgive apparently. It's really hard to explain without going into exact details and being incredibly outing but what they did affected me as well massively, caused me a lot of problems growing up.

But I have chosen to forgive it and surely it's my choice to do that?

Apparently my parent gave up the right to be at my wedding etc when they did what they did.

The more I type the more annoyed I'm getting actually. It's pretty therapeutic!

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 01/07/2019 10:22

Only you get to decide whether they "gave up the right".

One parent is hurt, fine, but it's not about them!

InfiniteSheldon · 01/07/2019 10:23

My ex and I were like this and hadn't spoken for over ten years when our ds got engaged we met went out for dinner and made a serious effort to get on on 5 years and 2 dgc and the wedding of our dd He's still a drug taking arrogant cock and I still took his children away from him but he's their father I chose him they didn't. I'm telling you this bevayse this is how they should be behaving and you should te them that CMOT has it perfect.

Lemonlady22 · 01/07/2019 10:30

if it was me i would be off to a beach somewhere to get married without telling them....its such a shame that they cant just behave on you special day....if they cant behave at the actual wedding goodness knows what will happen at the reception when alcohol has been consumed. Tell them if they dont sort it out then they wont be coming or they will be removed if they start acting up. Feel so sad for you. Havent had a wedding like this but relatives at a funeral nearly had a punch up at the grave site (was awful)

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 10:32

Lemon, luckily neither of them really drink so I'm hoping that there won't be anything fuelled by alcohol! Just hope they can behave sober Sad

OP posts:
yomommasmomma · 01/07/2019 10:36

Tell them both they either both come and are civil to each other and do not involve you in their dramas or neither of them come. Then say no more about it and any questions that come up repeat the first statement. I hope your wedding ends up being wonderful :-)

BerylCrow · 01/07/2019 10:38

Sobriety is a bonus.

Laserbird16 · 01/07/2019 10:38

It sounds like you are being put in the parent role by the hurt parent. It also sounds like this was the case in the past. Essentially it is unfair and you cannot win, so I wouldn't try.

Choose what you want for your wedding and do that. If the awkward parent demands you pick sides etc or jump through some hoop to ensure they'll be happy be honest. Reading your posts you are very self aware and can articulate the problem really clearly and you obviously love them and want them to be a part of your special day.

But you are not responsible for how they feel, that's their choice. If they choose to dwell on past hurts on day that celebrates your relationship it is their choice too. They don't get a choice as to who has the right to attend your wedding.

I hope they can set aside their animosity to celebrate something wonderful that came about from their marriage, you. Enjoy your day!

PepsiLola · 01/07/2019 10:40

I would meet with each parent individually and tell them for one day only they need to suck it up and be a parent to you...

Then offer them a "in the same room as ex" meet up before the wedding at your house. I would not expect them to do this, but the offer is there.

Then any time either parent mentions ex, say I don't want to hear it, do not ruin my wedding day

ReanimatedSGB · 01/07/2019 10:41

Look, OP, both your parents are childish, self-obsessed cunts. Whatever the 'bad' parent did decades ago (my money is on 'affair' because that's what usually makes spiteful people carry on being spiteful) the other one has been milking it throughout your childhood, and might well have been partly to blame in the first place.
As PP have said, send them an identical email, telling them that the wedding is your day and if they can't behave, they can't come. And warn them that any more nonsense from them and they will be uninvited.

Norma27 · 01/07/2019 10:44

My parents and my husband’s parents are divorced but they all managed to be civil with each other, although apparently my dad’s (new then) partner was annoyed I had invited mum. We only had 20 people to the wedding but had our meal in a restaurant and did tables of 4 to keep people as separate as possible.

My husband has children from a previous marriage and had a very acrimonious breakup years before we met. We can all be civil to each too and I would do whatever his children wanted on their wedding day, even if it meant my husband and his ex-wife sitting next to each other on a top table.

I hate it when people allow their feelings to affect their children. My parents split up as soon as I was born so I’ve never known them together. This was pretty rare in the 70s. They have always managed to put their feelings to one side though.

Good luck. I hope you have a fabulous wedding

turkeyboots · 01/07/2019 10:44

My divorced parents behaved like this. In retrospect I regret not eloping. Wedding day was very tense and not very happy memories.

TheGrapefulDread · 01/07/2019 10:45

This a completely FIFO day for you ... tell people to Fit In or Fuck Off ! It’s the only way to be - we had similar with sibling and parent and you have to hardline it. They are there for you, if they can’t get their shit together for a few hours then that is their problem - do not get involved and let them spoil your celebration. In our case it worked they avoided each other quite satisfactorily. N.B. Have you thought about photo groupings and broached that subject with your Mum ?

NCforthis2019 · 01/07/2019 10:46

Happened to us - my in laws didn’t turn up to the wedding - they couldn’t trust themselves enough to behave so stayed away.

Whosorrynow · 01/07/2019 10:46

Your parents sound like a pair of spoilt brats, tell them that if they don't behave they'll both be on the naughty step

Whosorrynow · 01/07/2019 10:47

Don't bend over backwards to accommodate them
shape up or ship out

CapitalistLackey · 01/07/2019 10:47

I'd be asking someone you trust to go and talk to them separately. And then follow it up with an email saying 'please it's my day - be nice.'

Drum2018 · 01/07/2019 10:48

It's what they did to me that the other parent can't forgive apparently. It's really hard to explain without going into exact details and being incredibly outing but what they did affected me as well massively, caused me a lot of problems growing up

I'm guessing it wasn't running off with another partner so. The fact the parent did something unforgivable to you may well change things, depending on what it was.

CapitalistLackey · 01/07/2019 10:49

It also might not go as badly as you think. If one of them is going to be on their own at the wedding make sure they have a friend with them. Choose 2 good friends to act as bodyguards. Spending time with the parents and making sure they stay apart...

Original poster
HugItOutSon · 01/07/2019 10:49

Have you thought about photo groupings and broached that subject

I've asked the photographer not to get one of just me and my parents as they won't stand together. They will be in group ones but at opposite ends.

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 01/07/2019 10:49

What I found helpful was to invite a few of their good friends (seperate friend circle) and put each of them with their friends and that way they can’t act up and will behave.

I had so much anxiety like u but the day went ok.

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