When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

Working pt, not out!!

Hope you got somewhere with him op

Your husband sounds so much like mine. When we married I had so much love for him but the constant financial recklessness is taking a toll. I think he thought that he was rich because he had £X dropping into his account every month, he didn’t realise that that was just a very unreliable wage. I tried to explain it to him but he wouldn’t listen. He has changed a great deal since reading Rich Dad Poor Dad. He still struggles with not spending stupid amounts of money but at least he thinks about it, he realised that we are quite poor despite the large cash flow and he’s trying to build wealth (not easy given the financial black hole he’s fallen into). I think the main problem with men like our husbands is that they don’t understand wealth. They think that a high salary means you’re rich and can spend as much as you want. It doesn’t.

Hi @Burrden did you manage to resolve anything with him? Hope things are ok

Hi!

Sorry for not updating. Thank you for asking.

We did have a long "discussion" about our finances. He is definitely having some kind of crisis at the moment. His ego is very much wrapped up in his job and status symbols. His pay has almost halved overall and he is finding that hard to deal with.

He has agreed to change his salary back to our joint account and he has agreed that he will receive a set allowance of £2k per month but he has to manage this - it has to cover all of his hobbies, clothes etc. We shall see how this goes - he has never, ever had to think about what he spends. His family aren't particularly wealthy but he is the golden child and they gave him everything they could. He says he is happy with how we hold our savings and has agreed that we need to be saving at least £2k a month for future fees if we want DS to stay in a private school. However, we shall have to see how it goes.

There will be no big family ski trip this year but, fortunately DS was invited on his school one. It is usually only for year 6 but there were places left over and so he was offered a place. DH is going to go as a chaperone (he was a qualified ski instructor in a past life) so that saves us the difficulty of explaining to his family.

DH isn't that keen on his new job. I don't think it helps that his boss is the same age as him but comes from an aristocratic family, it is a different league! He gets very jealous of those he deems more successful than him. Plus he is working longer hours which is tough on everyone but hopefully will calm down once he is settled.

I am working 30 hours a week now but I have managed to secure flexi-time so I work longer hours during term time and reduce them during school holidays. My bosses found out I was looking for a new job and so increased my pay too. This helps!

So, I guess we shall see what happens over the next few months.

Ah I'm glad it seems to be sorting itself out, it sounds like he was upset at his job / perceived status rather than you or your marriage anyway which is good news!

Sounds like you're working it out, good luck OP.

I have got to the bottom of the secrecy - he wants to quit his job.

He came home in an utter, utter rage tonight. He says the job is menial, beneath him and he is earning half as much but working later hours (which means he has little time for his hobbies).

He knows I will try to persuade him to stay until he has another job lined up and he wants a "war chest" so he doesn't have to ask me for money next time he is unemployed.

I honestly don't know what to do or say. I deliberately tried to make things such that he could hold out for a job he actually wanted, I didn't make him take this job - to be honest, I could see this being a problem but he assured me it would be fine, a stepping stone.

I honestly don't know what to do or say. I want to be supportive but equally I don't think he has given it a chance. It is all very new to him, he was in his last job 10yrs and he moved as part of a team there from his previous job so he had worked alongside a couple of them for 15 years. He has only been there since the beginning of September!

Meanwhile he has chosen the school DS must go to - £9,500 a term

Aargh.

Not rtft but he sounds incredibly spoiled and in complete denial about your current circumstances. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but your husband needs to grow up fast. Maybe persuading him to do volunteer work with homeless people would trigger an epiphany, he certainly needs one.

Wow.

Meanwhile he has chosen the school DS must go to - £9,500 a term

Then he's going to have to knuckle down and earn £9,500 a term per child in order for that to happen.

I am all for equal parenting - DH and I both work hard, both earn well, both get to decide which schools the DC attend, but if he's going to bury his head in the sand tell him he's going to have to organise their school fees himself because he really does sound like a bit of a knob to behave this way. You don't have the income currently to support that kind of cost of education (and I'm not the sort of person who'd ever criticise which school any DC attend - you send them wherever you think is best, so please don't think this is private school unkindness/envy).

Has he always been so ridiculous about money? Is it possible he's having some kind of personal crisis? That's genuinely the only viable reason to be such a dong, surely?

I'm sorry OP but your husband doesn't live in the real world.

I'm well educated and earn well but no job is beneath me, it sounds like his self esteem is so wrapped up in his job that he can't take it that it's lower down the ranks than he used to be.

The question isn't what he wants anymore but what do you want remember it's not your job to fix him or organise everything so that he can carry on with his reckless spending.

And how come he gets 2K spending money a month and you get £500? How's that fair? My husband is the SAHP he does do some ad-hoc work but he can spend what he likes from the joint account as he helped earn it by allowing me to go to work FT.

I really don't know how you are managing to stay with him when he is behaving so childishly.

Thanks everyone. It was a long night. We stayed up late talking.

I think he is having some kind of crisis, his whole identity seems wrapped up in his job, money etc. He is very competitive (he does triathlons) and cannot bear it if he thinks someone is "beating" him - like his new boss.

Sorry if this seems a drip feed but my family are quite wealthy, my father passed away 3 years ago and left everything to my mother. I am her only child but I have three much older step siblings from my father's previous marriage.
DH thinks my mother should help us out financially (and she can afford to) and he seems to think that I am going to inherit millions - I might, I might not, it is not something I discuss or even think about. My mother is only 65 and in good health. She is not a hands on grandparent, she prefers doing her own thing which is completely her choice. DH wants to ask her to help with the school fees. I imagine she will say yes as my two DC are her only grandchildren and she put me through private schools - but I don't want to ask her. DS hasn't even got into the school yet, he has to sit entrance exams. He did pass his 11+ so he does have the opportunity of going to a good school regardless.
We left it that he is going to ask her. She adores him, she is very much a man's woman and he can charm the birds from the trees I have told him to make it clear I have nothing to do with this.

I think my mother and her wealth is part of the reason he is blasé about money and partly the reason why he wouldn't leave me, sad as that sounds.

About the discrepancy in spending - I sort out our money and set budgets, the amounts we get are based on need. I just don't need as much as him - my hobbies are cheap, I am not particularly high maintenance. That £500 is just for me.
DH mixes up his a family money all the time - so a day out might come out of his money, if we go to dinner "he" pays and so on. He just puts everything on a credit card that I pay off. With the income going down I asked that he stuck to £2k otherwise we would be spending too much.

Good luck OP, I've read from the start and you sound like such a rational but kind person and your DH simply doesn't. Well done on your pay rise and increased hours, boo hoo for your poor old DH having to work for someone he considers posher than him. Just make sure you're topping up your personal pension as much as you can - sounds like you need to protect your own future just in case.

Just read all this thread and it’s brought back so many memories.
Different scenario but the same outcome my XH left a job he loved albeit it was in his family’s business which had been sold and he didn’t agree with the new company direction. The proceeds from the sale of the business gave us a big wedge of cash .

XH told everyone he had retired and continued to indulge all his desires in spending while I didn’t. I had a baby and a toddler so took it at face value that he was happy to be having a break from work and just assumed he would get another job. By the time about two years on that I realised he was devastated about losing his families business and his job an awful lot of rot had set in plus his drinking escalated hugely .

The biggest problem for me was not being able to understand his ego or why it was such a huge blow that he allowed to completely take over as my self worth has never come from work status.

After six years he got a job which I thought would be the answer to our problems which by then were well set in as really I became a bit of a hate sponge for all his frustrations . Far from it he then became bitter that it was nowhere near the status or pay of his old job.

At this point I mentally lost patience and honestly came to feel he was self indulgent and self pitying. Anyway after about 3 years more having sunk further into drinking and ridiculously selfish behaviour eg spending £11k on a motorcycle without a word to me he left me.

It’s been ten years and if I think about it I find it extraordinary that any job could have been influential enough to end up destroying what it did when lost. I can see now though how so many fundamental differences in our personalities mostly about how I don’t suffer from pride, need for status etc etc made us incompatible.

OP so many comments you have made about the way your DH sees the world and how he sees things at home the things he says resonate with me. I am reminded of how lucky I am that I believe I know where to look for happiness and it never comes from the places your DH and my XH go.

I would also say how smart you are to have kept a strong career going I didn’t and had to start at the bottom serving coffees and taking out the rubbish.

Sorry I doubt there’s a single helpful thought in there but reading your thread really struck a note with me and I’ve enjoyed writing this and reminding myself of how much nicer my life now is ! Good luck with it all x

Oh gosh OP. That stuff about your family money is really concerning.

He shouldn't be unilaterally deciding on schools. He especially shouldn't be planning to have his children's school fees paid for by someone else! That's appalling behaviour.

He sounds far more into the appearance of wealth than actual financial security, which is really troubling.

Agree with PPs, he should spend some time with people in actually reduced circumstances and give his head a shake.

Actually GPs paying school fees is not accounted for in inheritance tax so it's often done by wealthy ones. We're very grateful for my GPs paying for DS as it means we can also enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. However - and rather crucially they were the ones who suggested it not us - and the fees are rather more modest than the school proposed by your DH.

Like I said OP make sure you're maxing on your pension, I'd be putting money in that rathe than ISAs which you can be pressurised to access.

Err' never mind him not leaving you as he thinks theres money coming at sometime in the future....why would you want to be with someone who thinks like that... you are obviuosly smart, wanted at work etc you dont have to put up with him... (cant really see whats going for him at the moment but never been a fan of "city banker" types)

If your DS is bright enough to go the grammer then that would be my first choice especially if its local ....

these are your dc as well and if you dont want them to go to a £9.5k term school then they dont go....

you never seem to talk about what you want.........its all about what he wants....

He says the job is menial, beneath him and he is earning half as much but working later hours
Welcome to the real world mate!

So his ego is so huge that he can't put he needs of his family first....but thinks it's perfectly reasonable to ask your mum to fund HIS responsibilities?
He might NEVER get the same kind of job again so he needs to reassess his expectations and entitled attitude.

Why are either of you still arranging for private schooling when you're financial situation isn't sorted?
Your husband seems to think your mum's money is HIS to spend via you....says it all about his attitude really.
He has an overinflated ego and view of himself.......yet feels no shame for saying that other people should take on his financial responsibilities.

OP, why are you still with him?

Not being a dick, but genuinely, as PPs have said above, everything you say is about what he wants. He is a fucking dictator and you deserve better.

You seem to have your head firmly screwed on, you have savings and while it isn't pleasant to think of, your DM would likely help you out financially if you did LTB.

You seem like a lovely person and i cannot for the life of me see what you are doing with a wanker like your "D"H. I understand that it is a huge decision to have to make to split up the family when DC are involved; however, do you want your DC to grow up with your DH as a role model? He seems at best a petulant, spoilt brat and at worst, a narcissistic arsehole.

I hope you don't think I'm being needlessly cruel OP, I really feel for you

So he is now going to expect your mother to fund the family?
What a tosser

Do you know what? I don't think I even know what I want anymore. I assume others (particularly mothers) feel this way? I have put everyone else first for so long and have deferred to DH for the best part of a decade. I feel worn down and a shadow of my former self. I used to be so feisty but now? I have no idea.

Regarding school, for me private education is what I know and so the natural option if that makes sense? State schools are an unknown quantity and DH was educated abroad so he hasn't a clue either. There are local schools that are £15-£18k a year (the school DH wants is in London which will mean a train journey for DS each day) which would be affordable if he stays in this job.

I do put money in my pension, I always have done.

You sound so lovely and sensible and that you are trying so hard

He sounds spoilt and that he has been in a very very unusual situation of earning an enormous salary with moderate hours.

Most city workers on big bucks work every hour there is- eg never really on holiday calls Christmas Day etc

I think that you need to cut his spends drastically 500 a month is plenty, and cut up the credit card.

And be really clear that it is your and his responsibility to look after your family not your mother

I’d cut his spending to the same as yours.
No fancy school.
No reliance on grandma.

He’s a spoilt child. Divorce him before you get that inheritance or he’ll spend it for you.