When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

If be utterly furious OP. This isn't you saying he doesn't deserve some down time, this is you taking responsibility and looking at the bigger picture. He could have some wonderful downtime without frittering 55k away. 5 grand on a holiday for an adult and 2 kids is ridiculous. He needs to give himself the summer off but reduce his spending to a normal level, pull his weight as the stay at home parent and then knuckle down in September and start looking for another job.

Oh but I wouldn't worry about the food shopping, compared to what he's spending elsewhere I'd just let him get on with that. Your finances sound easily able to support that so it's one battle you dont need to have plus you don't have to do it!

You have several years of school fees set aside so you don’t need to worry about that then.

His redundancy will last until Christmas if not slightly longer before you need to even dip into your substantial savings. I suspect that if he hasn’t found anything in the autumn, he won’t until after the New Year but it’ll be OK because you have a massive financial cushion.

He’s hardly a feckless idiotic spendthrift if you have managed to amass substantial savings, all in your name. You’re hardly suffering from financial abuse here. I think that you are coming across as the controlling one to me. And he’s getting interviews and attending them in Jul/Aug, normally fairly quiet periods on the recruitment front - hardly the actions of an irresponsible wastrel.

I might understand your anxiety if you literally had the redundancy payment and little else. This isn’t the case though - you have hundreds of thousands in the bank, no mortgage and your income covers the essential bills! Have some perspective please.

He’s interviewing already so odds are he will have something by q4, if not q1. Breathe! It’ll be ok, try not to stress him too much with the money stuff.. he’s actively looking for a new role, not sitting around pondering not working for the rest of his life. You’ll be ok

Hi everyone.

An update. DH and the DC are back from holiday - I miseed them all so much!
The credit card bill is horrendous. I am so, so pissed off about it. DH decided not to pay for full board because it was too expensive (as he booked late) but decided to add it on at the resort instead - which was even more expensive. Then there was tennis club, his own one to one tuition and so on. Even he was surprised at the amount and just said he hadn't realised the EUR rate was so bad
I have reduced his credit limit to £2k. He actually said it was ok to reduce the limit and he has said he will need to rein it in "a little" (he didn't go out for breakfast today, for the first time on a week day for months).

He had an interview today, for the job he went for before holiday. It isn't in banking - it is linked to what he did though. They talked money (which is a good sign!) but DH says it won't pay enough.

Before today DH was really talking the job up - how interesting it is, how it will be a better work/life balance, less travel etc. Now he is talking about not taking it if offered and holding out for something in banking. My view is he should take it, give it a go and if it doesn't work out he can still try to get back into banking (the move to a slightly different role may even enhance that as he will have experience on both sides of the fence). We aren't talking at the moment

I am going to seriously start looking for a better FT job. I just don't think I can rely on him anymore - I always felt he was working and doing what he could for the family and felt bad that he "sacrificed" so much for us but in reality I feel it was and always has been all about him. I gave up a good career for our family so that he didn't have to even compromise his. I bitterly regret that now. I feel like it's ok for me to do a dull, mediocre job but not ok for him to lower his sights even a little (the potential job is a good one, the pay is still six figures just not banking money - with our savings his lifestyle wouldn't have to change).

Sorry for keep moaning on here. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this.

I still think you should relax for a couple of months to let him get a new job in his own time and his own way. The credit card cap is fairly sensible though and getting a "better" job that you love might help you feel better anyway. Good luck!

@Burrden oh no I'm sorry to hear it hasn't improved.

What reason does he give for turning down the non-banking job? Just that it doesn't interest him? Or is it the lower pay?

I'd be incredibly frustrated by now. I think you are smart to prioritise your own career. At least that is something you can count on.

Before today DH was really talking the job up - how interesting it is, how it will be a better work/life balance, less travel etc. Now he is talking about not taking it if offered confused and holding out for something in banking.

Yep, I would be livid if my DH decided to turn down a 6-figure job he’d previously been interested in whilst unemployed.

I agree the message it sends is you are not a team, acting in the best interests of the whole family.

Fine to moan. That's what we are here for.
But when are you actually gonna tell him the stuff you've just written?

We went out for dinner last night and spoke about everything.
I have underestimated how much the redundancy has knocked his confidence. He has been offered the other job. He said at first that he wouldn't take it because it is a step into the unknown. Also, as stupid as it sounds he always thought we would upgrade our house to one on a street nearby (multi million pound ones) but he feels by taking this job that door has closed.

Anyway, he is going to accept the job and I am going to look for something better too.

He's going to really struggle to get a senior level job in banking at the moment. There are huge lay offs across the sector (HSBC just announced 4,000 redundancies on Monday), so not only are people not hiring, but there are lots of redundant bankers chasing the same jobs.

I have been through a similar situation, made redundant from a well paid investment banking job in 2016. It took me 10 months to secure a job in consultancy which required me accepting a pay cut. Having been in that role for just over a year I managed to get back into investment banking last year, and after 2 years am back earning what I was in 2016 - it's been hard work to get back there. He needs to take the job on the table paying six figures for now and work his way back up.

he is going to accept the job and I am going to look for something better too

Brilliant news! Hopefully you can both work together towards a bit more of an equal partnership, if this new job will allow a better work-life balance.

Hope that all works out in the new role, hopefully your husband will put more money into savings to help create a bigger buffer in the future. DH earns around the same as your husband did, but we save so that we have a 10 year savings buffer- which is needed in this sort of industry!

That’s great!!!!! You must be really relieved, hope he enjoys his new job!

Hi everyone

A bit of an update - DH has been in his new job for just over a month now. He seems to like the job itself but he is struggling with the drop in "status". When it came out that he had the job he received lots of messages from former colleagues/ clients and a few mentioned something along the lines of it being a good job to take when winding down one's career - this did not go down too well.

We seem to have been getting on better, I am a control freak and prefer the routine! I am far more relaxed.

I have been offered more hours at work and a pay rise. I think they found out I was looking elsewhere. I am happy to take it but the bright lights of the city are still quite tempting.

However - DH's first pay went into his sole current account. An account he barely ever uses. He said that was the only card he had on him when he filled in the HR forms I am dubious about this. He then said he has set up a DD for £2,500 a month into the joint account to cover the bills which again is odd as he can't even use online banking. His take home pay is just over £7,500. My pay goes into the joint account. We have always done this since DS was born. I feel a bit put out by this unilateral decision.

We have discussed finances much more since August which is good as he always left everything to me but he cannot see that him having £5k to himself each month (he claims he will be saving half for the DC's school fees - he wants them to go to a private school for secondary- but is so far not revealing to me where this money might be) is not fair.
My pay is currently £2k a month but will be going up to about £2800 next month. I currently take £500 for myself and the rest is spent on family holidays/ bills/savings.
I am tempted to pay my salary into my sole account and transfer £1k into the joint account per month. Does it seem petty?

DH is currently talking about booking a ski trip but he wants to use the savings in my name to pay for it. I do feel suspicious that he wants me to run down my savings for some reason (for tax purposes the majority are in my name) and it makes no sense to have them just in his name as it still me that does all the admin/ booking of holidays etc.
I have suggested joint accounts for savings but he sort of bats it away as something to do in the future.

Do you think he is perhaps punishing me or setting things up so he has some money in case of losing the job/ walking out of it and not having to put up with me moaning about his excessive spending? I do worry that he may be setting things up to leave but then we have been getting on so well lately he would have to be a very good liar.

I wouldn't be at all happy with that. My first instinct is that even if not exactly setting things up to leave, it is a set up that would work well for him if he left, if that makes sense.

That is fundamentally not fair that he has 5k to himself each month and you gave 500. He literally has 10x your spending money.

I'd be very hurt and very suspicious if this is a new arrangement, even if he is saving half, why does he get to solely make that decision and why is he hiding it? Why does he want to use your savings for a family holiday when he could pay for it in one or two months outright?

It seems like neither of you trust each other with money - you dont trust him because his spending gets out of control when he is stressed, and he doesnt trust you. Maybe because he thought you were controlling or something when there were issues?

It's not right he sees it as his money though. You are married and gave up your career to facilitate his when you had kids so legally and morally its half yours, and that means having access to it plus equal say in decision making

Definitely have your salary paid into your sole account. Do you need to pay £1k (or anything??) to ensure the household bills are paid each month? £2.5k is a lot of money when there's no mortgage to be paid from it. If there's a shortfall then top up to what's needed, but not beyond that.
He sounds like since his redundancy he's decided that you're after "his" money, sees finances through this perspective & is cutting you off from what's "his". Don't pay for things from your savings. He can't call them joint but not his wages. Make sure he has/gets his own credit card & pays off what he owes on yours so take the cc bill from the joint account until it's paid off. He's separating out your finances so make sure that it's on terms that are fair to you, not just him.

I'd hope for the best but prepare for the worst. He might end up going full mid-life crisis & decide he needs a new model wife to boost his ego after losing his job/downgrading to another (in the eyes of his peers) Focus on improving your own career now that the DC are both in school, and becoming fabulous. All women should have being fabulous as one of their goals in life. Have you any artistic/literary talents that you could explore? You've probably got the plot of a best seller novel in your own recent history already.

As others have said, sounds like he has reacted to the redundancy knocking his confidence by deciding you are after his money.
I think you need to prepare for a worst case scenario that he is preparing to leave.

Also - I understand why you feel you can't talk about this with anyone in real life, and I think that is wise. I think it's time for you to go and seek your own legal/ financial advice now though and don't discuss that with him. Pay for that from your own personal income of course. Hope for the best but protect yourself and most importantly your children

Hope for the best but protect yourself and most importantly your children

Hiding money from you. Hmmmm………

Anybody's guess what he's doing. It could be salting away some money so he can quit his current job and live on savings for a while. No idea why. I suspect he thought the redundancy pay was very much his money and might resent you for telling him how to spend it.

I'm assuming he's continuing to look for a job he considers more suitable than the one he's got presently ?

Sorry, but I think trust is breaking down between you.

His take home pay is just over £7,500

That's £90,000 take home. His pay before tax and N.I. must be well over £100,000. OK, short of the £200,000 he was on before but pocketing £5,000 per month and contributing £2,500 to household finances seems wrong. To me at least. It rather smacks of, 'you can have that.' Yes it's for all household spending, not one person specifically.

He's with holding the bulk of his monthly salary. Hmmmm…...

I have been thinking about this all afternoon.

I don't mind him having his pay going into his account. He is covering all the bills. It's just the secrecy about the rest. I have always updated our spreadsheet once a month (I love spreadsheets) and tried to engage him in it too but he never took any interest. Although savings were in my name, he knew exactly what we had and where.

He is no longer using my credit card which is also odd, like he doesn't want me to know what and where he is spending money.

I have also tied up some money in fixed term savings to cover the DC's school fees - I did not ask him first but then I have always been the one to move money about for better rates.

I do think that trust on both sides has been worn away by this past year but I am not sure where we go from here.

missdew he earns just over £150,000 a year before deductions.

Why have you got to save for the holiday if he has 5k a month?

I’m sad for you op, but if things happen e changed without you being included in those decisions then his agenda has changed. I would ask him straight out tbh as it’s no longer joint ... which was the basis of your marriage previously wtf is going on. You’ve not changed the dynamic, he has so it’s not an unreasonable question