When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

Totally agree with the PP that you need to ask him outright. He has changed the arrangements and you need to know why ... Or at least the reason he wants to give you.

And this is why you don't give up your career for a man, ladies.

I'd definitely start putting less in the joint account for starters, but you need to have the conversation about why he gets to keep so much more than you and why if he has £5k a month he needs to drain your savings for a ski trip.

Not being inflammatory but I didn’t give up my career for a man, I gave it up (part time anyway) for my children. if we split tomorrow I wouldn’t regret it. But I would make him pay!

Not being inflammatory but I didn’t give up my career for a man, I gave it up (part time anyway) for my children.

Thanks for the helpful insight...

Oh god I remember your post last time... I couldn’t believe everyone was telling you to chill out. It’s so lucky he found a new job and you are mortgage free

you need to sit down and have a proper chat hoarding £5k pm is just not okay
I would insist Everything goes into joint then savings for kids / whatever should come out of the joint for full transparency

Also this is a key question
why if he has £5k a month he needs to drain your savings for a ski trip

How much in total savings have you got?
How much of it is in his name?
How much of it is in your name?

If for instance, you have 200K in your name and he has say £20K - maybe, you need to even that up a tad if there is a lack of trust in your relationship. Tax reasons is a minor issue compared to a breakdown of trust.

Ok, so this is a first world problem.

We have about £120k in cash savings - I have £65k of that in my name, £10k is joint (I keep this amount in joint savings as it should easily last 2 months) and he has £20k in premium bonds (I think, he certainly did a year ago). £25k is tied up to cover the DC's school fees until summer 2021 - my eldest has just started year 5 and my youngest year 1. I do not want to move my eldest now, I would rather he completes year 6 there. I always liked having a buffer for the fees as I would hate to have to move them at a critical time (DS will be taking the 11 plus next September). DH wants to keep them at independent schools, I am less bothered.

We also have investments in ISAs which are earmarked for retirement but are in our sole names and he could access his own if he really wanted to - he probably has £150k in there.

Until he was made redundant I never questioned a penny that he spends. During the 5 months he was out of work we spent over £50k (over and above essential bills but including school fees for the current year) which, to me, was completely excessive (more than he used to spend whilst working) and almost completely wiped out his redundancy pay. When he was working before we saved around £4k a month into pensions and ISAs, we also paid off our mortgage, but this was all done transparently - everything went through the joint account and into the spreadsheet which he can access.

The ski trip is expensive- he wants us to take some of his family too - around £12k, I don't think we should be spending this now, we usually spend around £5k on our ski trip but we stay in self catering apartments but looking at catered chalets this time as there will be a lot of us. I think he wants to save face with his family.

As for the £5k he has kept this month? Who knows? He has bought 2 new suits, 5 new shirts and a pair of shoes so he could have easily have spent £3k on that - I wouldn't have stopped him if he told me he was spending that on clothes, his image is very important to him and I know he is anxious about starting his new job, it's the secrecy.

Sauce for the gander, sauce for the goose. I think you need to transfer part of your salary to the joint account for bills and divert the rest to an account he can't see or touch. And don't find an expensive holiday he has organised from your savings.

Something's not right here, is it?

First world problems aside the difference in the amounts you each have left is totally unfair. Actual amounts could be distracting to some forum users as they are bigger than average. But it’s all about percentages really. When we had a massive change in circumstances with me being at a disadvantage adjustments were made to make it fairer.

I’m 4 years on from where you are. Sometimes - it’s not so easy getting a city job back. Trust me. Unless he’s in IT?

He isn't in IT, he is an equities analyst.

We are both home this evening so I think we have to have a proper talk. I must admit I hate stirring things up with him - he always manages to twist my words or confuse me with his logic. He can be quite volatile and sulks if he doesn't get his own way - which is why he usually does. Before this year we rarely fell out - I think having more than enough money meant we never had to think/ worry about it before.
I just don't see why we can't go back to having everything going in and out of the joint account. I will offer to put all the savings into the joint savings account, he was the one that suggested having them in my name in the first place so he doesn't have more to fill in on his tax return.

There are some open days he wants to go to for schools this weekend for our eldest but at the moment I am not comfortable committing to at least 5 years of private education and we would have to do the same for our youngest too - I think this is my starting point.

"I’m 4 years on from where you are. Sometimes - it’s not so easy getting a city job back. Trust me. Unless he’s in IT?"

This. I was "made redundant" years ago up in London, immediately after being diagnosed with a very serious medical condition, which wouldn't have affected my quality of work.
It took me ages to get back in the same sector, and even then a lot of the work was short term contracts and temp assignments.
At one time we thought we would lose the house (now thankfully paid off).
The effects of unemployment are very difficult to explain if you have never experienced it yourself - low esteem, panic, depression, loss of friends, lack of social interaction etc.

Good luck later OP

I'm so sorry OP. You really do need to have a good talk with him about this. I don't think anything you have asked or done warrants his secrecy. I'm not sure your relationship can survive without trust and openness.

You most definitely shouldn't be putting all of your salary into the joint account when he is only putting 1/3 of his. You need to match that. If you pick up £2800 then put exactly 1/3. Do not put £1,000. Definitely don't continue to pay all of your salary in.

What reason could he have for secreting money? He does sound as if he equates his sense of self worth with money and wanting to pay for family to go on a skiing holiday is over the top. I think he maybe had these esteem issues all along but they weren't previously so obvious.

The fact that he wouldn't take any responsibility for childcare when he was redundant, criticised you about your annual meeting with friends and now this secrecy whilst living his life how he wants and spending recklessly doesn't bode well at all.

You say "he always manages to twist my words or confuse me with his logic. He can be quite volatile and sulks if he doesn't get his own way - which is why he usually does."
He sounds like an utterly unpleasant person.

"I will offer to put all the savings into the joint savings account, he was the one that suggested having them in my name in the first place so he doesn't have more to fill in on his tax return."
I wouldn't. Not when you don't know where he is transferring money. What's to stop him squirreling that away in preparation for moving on from you? He may believe what he has being saying about you being interested in his money and try and ensure you cannot access it.

The fact that you think you are getting on better (despite his secrecy and change in financial habits) is a worry. I think he is acting and he could be preparing to split from you and ensure you don't get 50% of the marital assets. In his line of work he will know where to transfer money. (My friend in a similar position transferred money to a Singapore bank when she suspected her husband, who was having an affair, of squirreling their money away. The divorce lawyers only ask for bank statements going back a certain length of time).

I really hope you can sort things out and that he isn't planning to leave you but you should be prepared for this eventuality. I fear that he wasn't ever the person you thought he was.

I will offer to put all the savings into the joint savings account,

Don't, whatever you do, do this.

He is very clearly drawing up some battle lines. Whether that's for separation or power play in the relationship or just his own ego doesn't matter. Keep those savings separate. You or your kids might need them.

The fact that he has entire accounts you didn't really know about through ALL of your financial conversations speaks volumes to me.

My husband’s accountant asked if he wanted to set up a fund that would remain secret to me. Accountant said it’s common among high earners. Husband told him in no uncertain terms where to go, as he considers all of our funds joint funds.

It seems to me that your fixation on your finances has made him pull away from you.

He earned more than 5 times your income before he was made redundant.

Even if you’re earning £50k now, he is still earning 3 times your income.

Yet you’re obsessed about his contribution when he has paid off the family home and put money into savings?!

I’m shocked at your behaviour.

I understand stability is important - but you seem completely unsupportive in respect to how change in financial circumstances.

For years he has held everyone up and the moment he has a set back (redundancy) you’re concerned about his behaviour (keeping active and social and trying new things).

He wasn’t even unemployed for very long.

In light of his current behaviour, it sounds like he is now squirrelling away money to leave you. Why else use a bank account he rarely used before (and you had no access to)?

His behaviour now seems to be as a consequence of your obsession with money.

He has never not provided for you.

Yet, you’re behaving like he has been reckless. He really hasn’t. Being reckless would be him going out and buying a sports car and starting a cocaine habit.

It really does sound like he is planning to leave you.

meccacos2 I do not think I have been "obsessive" about our finances - I admit I panicked a bit when DH was made redundant and I wanted him to cut back on his spending but only so that our savings would last longer and he didn't just take the first job that came along (which he has now done).

I have always worked and supported our family. In fact DH wanted me to quit work when our DS was born but I didn't- ok, I didn't go back to my six-figure City salary, I gave that up so he could be the big breadwinner.

He has not had to compromise his career, ever. I have been the one to take maternity leaves, leave work when the DC are ill, have to leave dead on 5pm to do the nursery/school run, do everything round the house/ all the admin/ shopping/ cooking etc, the mental load - all unpaid - all the while he gets to swan around an office, go out for dinners in swanky restaurants, travel the world and get paid handsomely to do it but somehow that makes him more important? More worthy? More valuable?

So, because he earned 5 times my salary (which was only possible because of me) he gets to spend it all? I'm not allowed an opinion?

I have contributed plenty.

And yes, I do think he has been reckless - £50k spent in 5 months when he had no job? There was no need for it.

If he is planning to leave because I asked him not to spend too much money then he can go, how pathetic.

Op brilliant answer to meccacos2 who does not seem to understand at all.

You wanting to cut back is to ensure your lifestyle for the next few years and was understandable. And you were honest with him and transparent.

How your husband is acting now is not transparent and that's a massive res flag.

Do not transfer that money you mentioned above and do not pay for the skiing trip. Have a relaxed talk with him and see what comes out of that.

I hope you manage to point all this out to him. No matter what someone's income they would be worried if their partner got made redundant in relation to changes to lifestyle especially if their kids are in private school, I dont think that makes you 'obsessed'. Good luck

How did the weekend go OP? I hope you've managed to get him to see things from your perspective.

I hope you've pointed out to him all of what you have posted OP. Fair enough he wants some time off, bit I think the hassling you to go full time is a bit much when in fact you have never been off or had a break - you've been both working out and doing all the childcare, which is imo harder than just working. Convenient that he is off now and swanning around playing golf once the kids are all at school.