When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

Stop scrimping on sandwiches and coffee.

Take the children out of private school and move to the catchment of a top state secondary.

We are in catchment for grammar schools, we decided to go private to maximise our chances of getting DC in.

DH says he doesn't want to earn less than £150,000.
To be completely honest his basic pay was £200,000 he also received a bonus (not every year).

What age is he OP?

Unless he has some kind of psychiatric injury as a result of his stressful former job, I don't see why he needs over three months of relaxation before he can work.

It’s the summer @WishingILivedOnAnIsland, the job market’s dead over the summer, always was, always will be. Brexit has probably buried it completely this year. I completely get why he wants a bit of down time after 20 years of wage slavery, not that there’s much choice anyway.

The issue is that he and OP have completely different attitudes to money which were masked when it was sloshing around. It simply didn’t matter. Now it does.

Agree, flat in summer, key decision makers unlikely to be available.

His spending and denial is an ego thing. He clearly has a very strong image of himself as the high earning City type who lives a particular lifestyle (I have worked in the City for 25 years and I know it is easy to get sucked in to this mentality). He can’t or won’t adjust because that would attack his sense of self worth as he defines his value by his job and the income and lifestyle it brings.

It’s a tricky one because I have known of people crash landing when reality catches up with them. One thing I would do is try to get him to recognise that the family value him for who he is not his income but he may resist this because it doesn’t fit his view of himself. You didn’t marry him because of his earning potential.

This post isn’t intended to excuse him behaving like an arse - which he is right now. It’s more about recognising that he may not be looking at this logically because it’s too personal.

He is 42.

DH says he doesn't want to earn less than £150,000.
To be completely honest his basic pay was £200,000 he also received a bonus (not every year).

He needs to wake up it is exactly that range of people whose jobs are going left right and centre - he needs to realise that his worth at 42 in this current climate is less and he just needs to find something and prove himself at the company

Its hard for him in the sense that it must be a huge hit to his confidence and self worth but he has to face up someway to the reality of the situation

Given Brexit I would be encouraging him to look at jobs worldwide not just the U.K.
I agree with a pp that it seems likely that his self esteem has got so wrapped up in his earnings that economizing becomes difficult on an emotional as well as a practical level.
I think you should continue to actively job hunt for a better job yourself while working on getting him to sign up to a budget.
But ultimately he has to make the decision to alter his spending himself.

He never questions what I spend.

Oh, sorry, is this not the thread where the op's husband was quibbling and guilt tripping her over the cost of her visiting her friends?

Yes, he did do that. It was a mind fuck to make a point.

Yes, he did say if I was that worried about money why was I going to spend £100+ on a lunch with friends. It does feel a little hypocritical.

He did well at his interview and is going in for the next round..... in three weeks' time (his holiday and then the interviewer's holiday)

His credit card is in my name
So it's YOUR credit report it affects and you personally will be liable for any debts/defaults.

Most of our savings are out of his reach - they are mainly in my name.
In the event of a divorce they will be counted as joint - and if you withhold them from him it will be deducted from your share of the overall pot.

His argument is that he saved the bulk of the money and so who am I to tell him he can't spend it
There you have it - he sees it as HIS money, not JOINT/FAMILY money.

He never questions what I spend
He will if you say no to something and/or refuse him access to the savings.
He most definitely will hold you accountable when there's not 'enough' left for him.

The guy doesn't have any respect for you.
He certainly doesn't value your contribution.
You've enabled this crap because of the 'money'.
Now the 'money' is an issue you're forced to face reality - that this is a dysfunctional relationship and he actually doesn't give a shit.

Good news, OP. Fingers crossed for the next round of interviews.

He has questioned your £100 lunch though - to justify his own spending.

Can you see your marriage lasting this? As you say, when it has mattered you are not working as a team. What happens when the rainy day money runs out?

How are you @OP?

Any luck with the interviews?

I am well, thank you wishing DH and DC are away and by all accounts they are having a great time.
DH had an interview by Skype - for the job he was going for before holiday - as they didn't want to wait three weeks, he sounds really positive about it, so fingers crossed. These kind of jobs just seem to have endless rounds of interviews... he must have spoken to 10 different people already.

I haven't really had a chance to look for anything else for me... part of me wants to wait and see if something comes of DH's job hunt. I have worked all week for my current firm - my job there is just fine, nothing exciting, I have realised that if I am going to go back to work full time I would like something different. My current job fits in well around the children.

Having some time alone has been really good for me, although I cannot wait until they are back next week!

I was made redundant from my city job with a similar base pay to your dh, similar time of year too . It’s really a big knock to your self confidence, for me my job was a big part of who I was ( sad but true) . Additionally you know that that type of role doesn’t grow on trees, rare and hard to come by, and if your sector is shrinking it’s even worse..
It’s fair enough that he wants to have some time off - I gave myself the summer as I knew people don’t really recruit much during this time anyway and it’s a great time for a holiday..
I think whilst your concerns about money are valid , you should give him a bit of breathing room. You have no idea if he’s feeling down about the redundancy and this could be putting him under more pressure. Maybe lay the case out like a pp said.. he can have x fun money, but after that’s gone then you both cut back together..
I’m a saver by nature so I forced myself to cut back drastically when I was tinned, but my dh didn’t make me.. which is nice Cos I think if he’d Forced me to cut back I would’ve felt even Shittier about myself..
Fingers crossed for his interview, sounds really promising!! It sounds like he’s on the right track re networking etc . He’ll get back eventually it may just take 6-9 months or even a year but at least it sounds like it’s going the right way

I'm going to go against the MN grain here and state that you are being overly anxious about your financial circumstances. I say this as a natural saver prone towards tightness frugality in many aspects excluding holidays.

You are mortgage free, have decent ISA's & savings to survive 3 yrs at least on your current expenditure level without DH's income. You are very fortunate.

No doubt he received a generous redundancy package and as a senior exec, presumeably it included 6 mths/12 mths' contractual leave. How long will the redundancy package last before you even have to touch your savings? Another year or 2? It's not the end of the world - you have an extremely healthy financial cushion. Very few people have 3/4 yrs + of liquid savings!

It's not unusual for it to take longer than 6 months if he's seeking a senior position with a matching salary/package.

Logically, you don't need to curb your spending to the degree that you are personally doing. You are more anxious and feel the emotional need to be frugal but in reality, spending £100 is neither here or there if you have hundreds of thousands in the bank. He's been made redundant 3 mths and you have 3/4yrs+ of backup savings so even being unemployed for a year or more would be OK in context.

Seriously, you need to chill and give him a break. It's not as if he's not doing anything - he's getting/going to interviews.

He should not wait too long. Job hunting is a time-consuming process.

Perhaps if you have a joint account now iOS the time to have a single one so when he has squandered it all away you have some left.

It would annoy me if he spent all the family budget whilst you saved and became personally frugal - cheaper hair cuts etc -

I get he can be off work and have a nice break for the summer (!) however he's not on holiday is he? He's unemployed and relying on you/ family savings. He will have to step up if you go f/t but he won't because he'll be job hunting. Don't rush into anything.

Quickly move savings into an untouchable trust for uni?

This is all totally bonkers. Recruitment for senior roles stops over the July/ August holidays, and late November/December for that matter; he can't do any more than network until everything restarts. You have savings, you have no mortgage, you have a redundancy payout and he's barely left. Calm down. Your DH should be doing home chores when you're working, but he should also be entitled to a break for a few months between jobs when he's in a stressful role and you can afford that as a family. Regarding your own career, if you want to be the main earner then that's great but just agree with your DH how that will work (as he'll have to step up) OR if he's to stay the main earner then agree a cut-off date for him to go back to work, regardless of pay cut or whatever. Don't start dicking about with the kids' schools when you have so many months before you need to decide if it's necessary or not.

Thing is OP can't just put it in untouchable savings because he's spending on the credit card (which is in her name) and she has to clear it.

This is bonkers I agree. He needs to slow down. 5k holidays for just him and kids is madness.

He's beinf very unreasonable and irresponsible if he won't even discuss things honestly.

I really don't mind him having time off, I just wish he would slow down with the spending.... he is spending more now than when he was working.
He got £55k payout - almost half of that has gone already. It will be completely gone by Christmas at this rate.
This is all additional spending - all essential bills are covered by my pay (including his gym, tennis club, DC's activities) if he just cut back a bit he could have had another 6 months off quite easily.
We do have other savings but they were for the kids' education really. I didn't want to have to dip into those until necessary. I have put a couple of years school fees aside into accounts he can't touch but it doesn't feel right "hiding" money from him.
I do appreciate how fortunate we are, I know we could be in a worse state but I don't want to undo everything.