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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to divorce over him not wanting second child?

160 replies

ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:15

We have 1 healthy, 9 year old DC. I struggled massively with PND and when DC was 4, I fell pregnant accidentally using a bc method that is no longer in use due to the failure rate. I had an abortion, which was of course ultimately my choice, but my husband made it clear he didn’t want another child and couldn’t support that choice (we both work in similar fields, earning similar money). This decision haunts me and I feel I legitimately made the wrong decision, but at the time I felt selfish for wanting the baby (I was 26 at this time and more easily pushed around than I am now).

I would love another baby. My husband has booked in for a vasectomy. I have not been on any form of contraception for 2 years, and my husband has used the withdrawal method or condoms in that time. I don’t want to force him into having another baby to stay with me (and I think he would now). I am 31 and I would love another baby so much, but once you say ‘I want a divorce because I don’t think you want to parent with me again’ there’s no going back is there?

We provide our DC with a lovely life, and we are happy together otherwise. It’s just this. If I can’t have another baby, I’m not sure it’s something I can just ‘let go’. I never thought I would be like this. I’ve tried and tried to be neutral. I’ve climbed the career ladder in the meantime and provided for our son.

I’ve tried to I bring myself into the way of thinking ‘how amazing our 40s will be’ because we had DS so young. But I can’t. I also can’t make DH want something he doesn’t really want. He’s amazing, and I’d rather set him free and give him the chance of a baby/toddler free life and just raise our son, then trick him into a pregnancy he doesn’t want. That hurts me more than anyone could know.

What should I do? Should I let DH free, or should I just swallow this forever?

OP posts:
nauseous5000 · 30/06/2019 21:18

Dyu want to give him an ultimatum because you think it'll bring him around or would you rather share your DC 50-50 so you can have another baby elsewhere? These are real considerations

HorridHenrysNits · 30/06/2019 21:20

So difficult. I guess the question is, is the issue so important to you and are you both so fixed in your positions that you've now become incompatible? I'd want to save the marriage but I know some people find the resentment festering away is more than they can bear.

gifdaft · 30/06/2019 21:23

Could you continue to share your life with him when he has a vasectomy and you want a second child?

If you can swallow your resentment then I think you could continue with your marriage but if not, I’d get out.

helen650 · 30/06/2019 21:23

I understand that want to have another baby. I can’t imagine how you must feel.
But if you ‘set him free’ that doesn’t mean that you’ll have another baby? You’ll be in the same position but with no one to have a baby with? Have you sat and spoke to him recently

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:26

I would 100% share our son 50/50 if a split happened. If he wanted a court order for this I would agree to it.

The difficulty is that I would not want to issue an ultimatum. He has made his choice clear; he doesn’t want another child. I’m not into issuing ultimatums to making people stay: he doesn’t want another child. I don’t want someone here that isn’t wanting another baby for real. I’d never do that to anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:27

I don’t think I can swallow my resentment. But equally; I don’t want him to swallow his if I ‘forced’ him into having another child: I only want a child with a willing participant.

OP posts:
ranibowsprimkle · 30/06/2019 21:29

Do you have an otherwise happy marriage?

How do you thinks divorce would affect the child you already have?
And you still wouldn't be able to have another child anytime soon.

NoCauseRebel · 30/06/2019 21:32

YABU. Once you have a child breaking up that family because you can’t have your own way is the ultimate selfish act.

Plus is giving up 50% of time with your child plus the introduction of step parents plus possible step siblings really worth it for a baby you may never have?

chuttypicks · 30/06/2019 21:32

So, for the sake of having another child, you're willing to sacrifice 50% of the time you have with your current DC then..... and potentially be a single parent to another child, or end up in an unhappy relationship purely for the opportunity to have another baby. Also, could cause potential MH issues for your current DC due to a divorce. I think you need to sit yourself down and have a word with your hormones tbh. It would be crazy to end a happy marriage because you can't get your own way on having another child. You have 1 already. Some people are never lucky enough to have any. Why don't you just treat the one you have exceptionally well and keep the decent relationship with your DH...

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:33

We do have an otherwise excellent marriage. It’s just this. We are fundamentally divided... I know I could threaten him with divorce and he would do it, but then I would be trapping into something he doesn’t want to do. And that makes me a horrible person.

But then, without another baby; my son and husband are happy. Do I swallow these feelings forever for them? Maybe that’s normal, I don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:35

So if IABU... how do I reconcile myself? How do I get it together and get over this? Does sterilisation make you stop wanting children? Because if so, if it stops this yearning; then I’ll do it.

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 30/06/2019 21:36

Couldn’t you just let him know how important it was first? I assume you did this, but how long have you been trying to persuade him? A lot of men say they don’t want another dc but a lot get persuaded. Ask what’s his reasoning and make sure you have your reasons on why you want another.

Karwomannghia · 30/06/2019 21:38

Has he said why he really doesn’t want another? Has he changed on this? So sorry for you.

tomtom1999xx · 30/06/2019 21:41

Op;
Have you had post abortion counselling?
You say the decision to end the accidental pregnancy haunts you, so maybe it’s unresolved feelings of guilt/ regret that are at play here?

I agree with chuttypicks & others btw.
Do not break up a happy home for something you might never achieve.
Your existing child is who you should be focusing on, but I do completely understand your feelings regarding another child.

Mamabear12 · 30/06/2019 21:42

And btw you don’t have to issue ultimatums. First find out why he doesn’t want another. Then have reasons why you want one. Most people say it’s bc they want their child to have a sibling to grow up w, but your dc is already 9. What other reasons? Maybe your dh feels that your first child is all grown up and doesn’t want to go back to baby stages.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:48

I would never issue ultimatums. He feels the way he does, and I feel the way I do. The question is; is that the key to a happy home or not? As I get older, I’m increasingly feeling that, despite him being a wonderful husband in every other way; that I’m not sure if I can live with/process this giant bubble of sadness in my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:49

He just says he doesn’t want the hassle of a new baby. And I completely understand that; I was absolute mess of a new mother. If anything; it’s my own fault he doesn’t want more.

OP posts:
akmum18 · 30/06/2019 21:50

I was in your position many years ago, I couldn’t look past it as I knew the resentment towards him would grow. We argued a lot as I despised him for it as wrong as it sounds, he had a right to not want more children but I was angry for that. We split in the end as it brought to the surface how unhappy we’d become. He hasn’t been a great dad and actually went on to marry and have more children. Meanwhile I never got the longed for child I wanted. It didn’t feel fair to introduce my child to a new man and set them up for two step families. It hurts every day and I know I’ll always regret not having more children, but as I’ve stayed single sperm donation is likely the only option for me now I can’t bring myself to do it though. So what I’m saying is think carefully, you could cause problems for your son in the future and he is what is important now not a non existent baby. If you aren’t happy then by all means leave him, but there is also a chance you could split and still never get the baby you wanted, like me. It’s a horrible feeling and I do understand how you feel but try and think with your head Flowers

Lifeover · 30/06/2019 21:51

Divorce quite often has quite serious effects on a child’s mental health and really needs to be a last resort. What if you get divorced and you end up suffering secondary infertility and only seeing your existing child for 50% of the time? Or even less if they decide to stay with dad most of the time. How will they feel if they think you split the family up because they weren’t enough

I do understand after suffering ptsd from DS birth my DH didn’t want another until it was too late. I will always begrudge this but a family of 3 is better than the alternative, only seeing DS every other weekend/Christmas/birthday etc

ranibowsprimkle · 30/06/2019 21:52

If pregnancy complications and not enjoying the baby years are his reasons for not wanting another would he consider adoption?

tadpole39 · 30/06/2019 21:53

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your dh, why don’t you book some away time together and discuss it as a couple. Be totally frank with each other and see if you can come up with a way to move forward as a family. It’s as much his issue as it is yours if you’re considering breaking up the family and he deserves the chance to help you deal with this. Don’t be so alone, he may be your greatest chance of resolution.

sevenoftwelve · 30/06/2019 21:53

You keep saying you would never issue ultimatums. Great. Having a conversation where you share your feelings so he understands what's going on for you and what's important to you and affecting you is not issuing an ultimatum.

If you can't communicate feelings that are so fundamental to your life it's not that excellent, is it?

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 30/06/2019 21:57

If I say to him ‘I want another baby and I want another one so much that I’m not sure about our future if you say no’ or similar... he will say end up saying yes to keep us. And I don’t want that. I don’t want a baby under false pretences. That’s forcing him isn’t it? If I think of doing that, all I can think of is him being sad, and not sharing excitement and hating his life.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/06/2019 22:01

If you’re otherwise happy, I’d try counselling to try and work through this. Leaving him is taking a huge risk with no benefit for your son.

Auramigraine · 30/06/2019 22:02

What happens if you split up and you either don’t meet someone until it’s too late or you do meet someone but you don’t conceive, would you regret splitting your marriage up? It’s so hard coming to terms with having no more children, I have 2 and last year desperately wanted one more but DH adamant he didn’t. He booked a vasectomy but cancelled it when my mum told him behind my back how much I do want another. Since then I have slowly realised I don’t think I want to go through pregnancy/new born stage again and I think (99%) that I don’t want anymore now.
What I’m trying to say is don’t act hastily, you could make a decision and end your marriage over something you may not want next year. Think carefully before doing anything drastic xx