AIBU to divorce over him not wanting second child?

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We have 1 healthy, 9 year old DC. I struggled massively with PND and when DC was 4, I fell pregnant accidentally using a bc method that is no longer in use due to the failure rate. I had an abortion, which was of course ultimately my choice, but my husband made it clear he didn’t want another child and couldn’t support that choice (we both work in similar fields, earning similar money). This decision haunts me and I feel I legitimately made the wrong decision, but at the time I felt selfish for wanting the baby (I was 26 at this time and more easily pushed around than I am now).

I would love another baby. My husband has booked in for a vasectomy. I have not been on any form of contraception for 2 years, and my husband has used the withdrawal method or condoms in that time. I don’t want to force him into having another baby to stay with me (and I think he would now). I am 31 and I would love another baby so much, but once you say ‘I want a divorce because I don’t think you want to parent with me again’ there’s no going back is there?

We provide our DC with a lovely life, and we are happy together otherwise. It’s just this. If I can’t have another baby, I’m not sure it’s something I can just ‘let go’. I never thought I would be like this. I’ve tried and tried to be neutral. I’ve climbed the career ladder in the meantime and provided for our son.

I’ve tried to I bring myself into the way of thinking ‘how amazing our 40s will be’ because we had DS so young. But I can’t. I also can’t make DH want something he doesn’t really want. He’s amazing, and I’d rather set him free and give him the chance of a baby/toddler free life and just raise our son, then trick him into a pregnancy he doesn’t want. That hurts me more than anyone could know.

What should I do? Should I let DH free, or should I just swallow this forever?

When I was a child, a family friend with kids the same age felt as you do. They had two girls, but she wasn't finished with babies, and he was. So in the end, after a lot of talking, they hammered out a compromise: she could have more babies, but he was not responsible for any of their practical care at all. None of it. And that was what they did - they had two more, and as far as anyone could see, they were happy with that. He loved the smaller ones just as much but he was a far less hands-on parent when they were younger.

I suppose it depends on what you're prepared to look at, and countenance, and ask. I agree it has to be a joint decision. But right now you're contemplating leaving a family you love, and that fulfils you, because of a chimera. So talk with and to your husband. Communicate how you feel, and seek joint counselling. Talk it through properly and honestly, and see if you can reach a compromise where a baby doesn't seem so sapping to him.

I don't think ending a marriage, and ending his family, is fairer to him than making a huge decision unilaterally. He deserves to be in the picture on how much this means to you, and then perhaps you can work out, together, what sort of eg childcare support you can set up, and what it would need for him to be willing to do this with an easy mind. The answer may not make you happy - but at least you're respecting him enough to communicate.

Sorry, that should be: I don't think ending a marriage, and ending his family, is fairer to him when you're making that huge decision unilaterally.

I think you should right down in black and white the pros and cons. Looks to me like wanting another child is just a hormonal need with you. Children need to be WANTED by BOTH.

Sorry write. I’m tired

Your yearning sounds very deep and not about logical thinking, an incredibly strong and long lasting feeling I can remember vividly. Someone who has not experienced this might not realise that you can work hard to hide the feeling but it doesn't go away and is really dominating and painful (to me, even physically painful at times).

Another poster suggested counselling and there are counsellors who specialise in fertility/infertility issues. It would give you the chance to talk really honestly about your feelings without immediate dramatic consequences.

I'd also suggest a novel called The Two Week Wait

If you want to know how my situation resolved and the role of counselling in it pm me (involves someone else's private info so reluctant to post whole story on thread).

Personally I can’t comprehend sacrificing 50% of my time with my existing DS for a hypothetical second and if you’re having those feelings, they need some exploration with a counsellor.

He's been clear, he does NOT want another child. I don't want children, and i'm VERY clear about that before getting in to a relationship. I would NOT be happy to have a partner broach the subject of a child further down the line as i've already made my stance clear.

You would be being incredibly unfair to tell him you're going to divorce him if he won't agree to another baby. Children are the biggest decision a person can make in their life, and he's told you his choice, to just have your son. He would feel pressure however you worded it.

Honestly i think you're being selfish, one child should be enough for anyone, and you'd throw away a marriage and a family unit, hurting your husband and your son, for a hypothetical child you may never have.

You may well not be able to get pregnant again, or you never find a man you have a stable enough relationship with to have a child. Maybe your future partner doesn't want, or can't have a child. What if you don't find someone who treats your son well? And you're giving up half your time with him, for a baby yo may never have.

It feels like a lot of this relationship is on his terms, ultimately you had an abortion that it doesn't sound like you wanted because of his reluctance to have another child. Or was your desire to have another child not as strong back then?

It sounds like your feelings may hay have been triggered by his booking a vascetomy, as that then makes it final, no longer possible.

I totally understand your feelings of wanting another child, I wouldn't want to stop at one child either. But as your first child is now 9 it feels like you've left it very late to now be insisting on another child - many people partly have another child because they want their kid to have a playmate, which won't be the case if you had another now, with at least a ten year age difference. Many would sympathise with the fact that starting again with another child when your first child already has so much independence is very hard to do.

I think some counselling sessions might be useful to explore why you want another child, and why now after so long. Is it because the relationship has been defined by what he wants and now you want the pendulum to swing the other way?

I think you also need to play out the scenarios -

• you divorce over this, the financial implications, the impact on your son. What then, you try and meet someone else? Sperm donor?

• your husband doesn't want to lose you so tries for a baby. How would this play out in reality (I've had a friend who's dh doesn't really want another who will try and jeopardise the chances of it happening,eg by not performing when she's ovulating)?

• you stag together with one dc, do you think you can continue in a loving relationship with him or would the resentment kill the relationship anyway?

Only you can decide how important this is to you and which scenarios you could live with. But you at least need to tell him before he gets a vascetomy.

But then, without another baby; my son and husband are happy. Do I swallow these feelings forever for them? Maybe that’s normal, I don’t know.

Yes, I think you should.

You are speaking very blithely about breaking up your child's home and 50-50 residence as if this would be no big deal at all. It's not a garden of roses.

I would advise going to therapy to sort out your feelings about the abortion you had a few years ago.

What are you expecting a second child to give you that your first can't?

Country that's a very weird way to put it. Each child is an individual...with different personalities. So each child offers a different relationship.

The way you put it makes me think that you don't value children in the right way.

YABU. Think what this would do to the child you have. Not only would you break up the family but he would ultimately find out that it was because he wasn't enough for you. Don't be so selfish

I think you need a frank conversation with your dh. He needs to know the vasectomy he has booked is putting your marriage on the line.

Can you ask him to postpone it until you’ve had counselling?

I agree with PPs regarding counselling. What you are proposing makes no sense, you will lose fifty percent of what you have now with your son (DH side and just focusing on children), you might not meet anyone else you want to have a child with, might not be able to have another child, night have a child with one of the many cocklodgers you get about on here, end up a single parent etc. You have a good relationship with your husband and a child you see all of the time, you'd really sacrifice your time with your son for a hypothetical baby that might never happen???

sit him down and tell him how you feel. Don't mention divorce, 50/50 parenting or anything negative just that you want another and ask if his no is a jard no or a soft no. Don't argue, just use it as a fact finding mission. It might give him time to think and realise that he feels the same way. Six weeks later broach the subject again and whatever response you get then is the one you will have to make your decision from.

I agree with a PP get counselling for the previous termination at least.

You need couple counselling.
Seriously, the issue here is the huge resentment you have about the abortion where you felt pushed into doing something you didnt want. And it is still looming over you.

In the other side, if faced with a choice between loosing you and your marriage and having a child, he would chose the child, then he needs to be made aware about it so HE can chose. Be aware of making a choice based on assumptions (I will have forced him to have a child when he might actually have made a choice, even if it’s not his first choice iyswim).

There are so many possible facets to this that you really need to have a deep conversation about it. If ossicle with someone to guide you so it m becoming an emotional match and you can still express how you really feel (eg how you feel about the abortion, how he feels about another child etc etc)

I can't imagine the longing to have another child - I have an only and was happy to stick at one - so I do sympathise with how upset you are, it must be torturous. However, I cannot contemplate being so willing to see my child only 50% of the time for the sake of having another baby. How is your DS going to feel when he grows up and works out that's why you split up his happy home?

I agree with pp that you desperately need counselling. If you are considering losing 50% of your time with your child for the sake of a hypothetical child then you aren't in a good place and you need to talk to a professional about it.

It's a really difficult one.

Personally, no I would not break up another marriage for the chance to have another child.

I have to ask, as I always do on these threads. Say your husband changes his mind. You have a second. And a couple of years after that you feel exactly the same because you want a third? How can you guarantee that a second is where it will end? What if you feel like you have to leave in order to have a desperately wanted third? The reason I ask, is that I know lots of women who had multiple but always say they wished they had, had one more. These are women over 50 who admit that they have always felt they wanted more. Some of these have 3 or 4.

As pp have mentioned blended families can be very difficult for existing children. Your child (if you leave to have a baby with someone else) will grow up with a sibling that gets to spend every day with both their parents. And if the reason for your divorce comes out, the existing child will know that you broke up the marriage, to have that sibling. They might be ok with it they may not.

What happens if you dont meet someone? In 10 years you havent found the right person? Your exh has moved on and you are single and only see your one child, half the time.

Leaving hour dh is not a guarantee you will have another child. Personally, I think wanting a another child as much as you do, could make you a bit vulnerable. I can see a situation where you end up with some who isnt right for you or your existing child, because they will have a child with you.

Lots of women on mn are in relationships that are shit, because they wanted kids and the man they were with would have them. They then find themseleves in a terrible situation.

You both need counselling before you decide anything. If you have another baby and become ill again, he has to be prepared to support you and step up. I have depression so not judging. Just saying, if he agrees to 2nd child. Theres lots of talking that needs to be done.

Which is more important- your desire to have another child or your Dcs need for a stable home life?

I wouldn’t break a marriage up when essentially you are both really happy you just disagree with this. I can totally see both sides- you’ve got a 9 year old so a newborn will be like starting again! There’s a big gap so who is to say you then don’t want another one so they have a sibling to play with of their own age?
The longing for another child is difficult, especially if you have previously been pregnant a few years ago....
Realistically unless you break your marriage up one of you will have to give in - imagine if you do break it up and you don’t met anyone? Or who you meet doesn’t want children.
Imagine if your DH met someone and they then had children how would you feel?

You’re still free to discuss your worries with him without offering a serious ultimatum. Just explain how strong the yearning is and that you’re unsure whether it will ever go away.

I would also see a therapist, you may not be over the termination.

You do need to talk, probably both to a counsellor and to your husband. Telling him the truth about how you feel is not of itself coercive.

One of my friends has 2 children, her husband didn't particularly want any children but agreed as she was desperate. From all I have seen of him he seems a pretty good Dad - very close to his daughters.
Maybe you and your DH need to talk (probably with the aid of a counsellor) about your PND. About how he felt when you were going through it, about the causes, why it might be different this time etc.

I agree with Mama Bear here.Sometimes men struggle to understand properly how much having a baby is important to their partners.Could you talk to him again, and say how much this is affecting you?.You say you both enjoy good jobs .What about suggesting A"Night Nanny" to help for a few months .The issue here is that while you crave another baby ,the feelings wont easily go away and may cause resentment in the long run .You say you are happy together but this is an important issue that needs addressing properly

Your priority should be the child you have, not the one you may (or may not) have in the future. Ending your marriage would be devastating for him.

And having a new sibling is hard for an older only child. There's 11 years between my brother and me, and it meant that I didn't get the attention I needed during my teenage years and went right off the rails.

Counselling may help you come to terms with not having the family you had hoped and planned for.