AIBU to divorce over him not wanting second child?

[ziggiestardust]

We have 1 healthy, 9 year old DC. I struggled massively with PND and when DC was 4, I fell pregnant accidentally using a bc method that is no longer in use due to the failure rate. I had an abortion, which was of course ultimately my choice, but my husband made it clear he didn’t want another child and couldn’t support that choice (we both work in similar fields, earning similar money). This decision haunts me and I feel I legitimately made the wrong decision, but at the time I felt selfish for wanting the baby (I was 26 at this time and more easily pushed around than I am now).

I would love another baby. My husband has booked in for a vasectomy. I have not been on any form of contraception for 2 years, and my husband has used the withdrawal method or condoms in that time. I don’t want to force him into having another baby to stay with me (and I think he would now). I am 31 and I would love another baby so much, but once you say ‘I want a divorce because I don’t think you want to parent with me again’ there’s no going back is there?

We provide our DC with a lovely life, and we are happy together otherwise. It’s just this. If I can’t have another baby, I’m not sure it’s something I can just ‘let go’. I never thought I would be like this. I’ve tried and tried to be neutral. I’ve climbed the career ladder in the meantime and provided for our son.

I’ve tried to I bring myself into the way of thinking ‘how amazing our 40s will be’ because we had DS so young. But I can’t. I also can’t make DH want something he doesn’t really want. He’s amazing, and I’d rather set him free and give him the chance of a baby/toddler free life and just raise our son, then trick him into a pregnancy he doesn’t want. That hurts me more than anyone could know.

What should I do? Should I let DH free, or should I just swallow this forever?

You went through with an abortion you didn't want because you were frightened of how he would react if you walked out. No wonder it's eating you up inside. He coerced you.

And what on earth is your definition of a bully if that doesn't meet it?

I hope he listens to you when you talk tonight rather than being as disrespectful as you've detailed in your recent updates.

Compromise and respect involve him listening to you and making decisions that affect both of you together. It doesn't mean shutting you down, getting angry to intimidate you into doing what he wants, trying to convince you your memory is wrong, and generally convincing you that you're a bad person for wanting to speak about what matters to you and be heard.

That's really sad. I hope you manage to find a therapist who can help you.

I agree with the above posters and I’m in a similar situation.

I was an only child, my DH having a large family. We have a DD (from my previous relationship) and our DS from our relationship. He went from being ‘absolutely no more children’ and I was gutted. My DH is my world and the BEST dad and step dad.

I think a serious conversation needs to happen. I’m happy with what I have but I don’t think I could put a stop to having anymore children which is what we will face in a couple of years.

Enjoy what you have in the moment but you need to speak openly and honestly about what you BOTH want in the future then go from there.

I have a male friend who has a DD6 with his ex partner, told me categorically he wouldn’t have another one, his GF of 4 months ended up pregnant and he is over the moon.

I hope everything works out ok x

Enjoy what you have in the moment but you need to speak openly and honestly about what you BOTH want in the future then go from there
What both want is the exact opposite. He is prepared to go through a vasectomy, this is an extreme as definite decision.

Saying that OP, he will need to have a counselling session before going through it, and that will involve informing him of the percentage of men regretting their decision.

When I was TTC, I became friend online with a woman who had two children and suddenly desperate for a 3rd. Her husband had had a vasectomy after the second as she had suffered very bad pnd after both and it had been a horrendous for both almost leading to a breakdown of the marriage. He initially was adamant he didnt want another one. They had arguments, she agreed to learn to be happy with her 2, and he is the one who came back on the subject. He had a reversal that failed and they were saving to go via icsi. They did, failed first time but got pregnant the 2nd. No pnd at all that time and he was a much happier dad that time.

Saying that, my colleague had a vasectomy after 2 children although his wife wanted a 3rd and 15 years later, he has no regrets and she is grateful as the 2 are now at Uni and they are enjoying life being the two of them again with no more restrictions.

No one can say how one will feel in 1, 5 or 10 years time.

@ziggiestardust I really hope that you will have a nice and open conversation with your DH.

I do hope you see that
1- you have to be the one to bring him on and start the conversation in the right context/enviornment. I hope you can make him realise how lucky he is that you are and can take those steps when really he should have done so (as he is the one starting the whole'Im having a vasectomy' act)
2- you already have decided to actually follow his lead again. Which is fine IF this is what you really want and you are not doing it because you are woried about loosing your marriage over that. Just like you did with the termination. You are deeply regretting that decision, one that was taken wo any discussion or any leeway for you to express your feelings. I would encourage you to not stop at the discussion today/tomorrow but to be revisitting it that once youve had a few sessions woth a counsellor. Being heard is nice. Him knowing and understanding the consequences of that decision on YOU is different. Him knowing the sacrifice you are doing FOR HIIM is different. I suppose that his reaction to how you will feel/the grieving for the child you will never have with him will tell you how much he actually has truly listened to you
3- him having some issue talking about this emotive subject is all well and good but so are you! Finding it hard to talk is not an excuse in my book to be disrespectful to you, the way he has been.

Love your update, OP. Hope the chat goes well.

Depends if you want to be abused by the dating world and have kids by different fathers struggling.

Sounds like you got the ideal life. I really don't know why you would want to ruin that??

I struggle a bit with these posts tbh.

Of course no one should ever be forced into having a child that they don’t want, but equally no one should be coerced into a termination in a loving and committed relationship.

Why is his desire to not have a child more important than op’s desire to have another? Their feelings are both valid and relevant and the least he could do is discuss the issue.

There has been lots of unfair discussion about the child’s best interests and how divorce can affect them, which may or at not be relevant. But is it really in op’s best interests to remain in a relationship where she was pushed into an abortion when she was vulnerable, her partner has steadfastly refused to enter into any discussion about the situation for the years since and then booked a vasectomy in without any thought for the op and her feelings at all?

This is such a tough decision.
Good luck with it OP, I think this will be a very common problem that many people will be watching the outcome for.

Why is his desire to not have a child more important than op’s desire to have another? Their feelings are both valid and relevant and the least he could do is discuss the issue.
The problem here is that meeting the desire of one parent can only be the unhappiness of the other. OP wasn't coerced, she was encouraged, and she agreed. It might not have been a happy agreement, but it was still an agreement.

Nothing is stopping her from going for what she wants, she just would require to give up her marriage for it. What she can't have, right now, is both, another child and happy marriage.

You can't both have what you want at this time; I believe, if you go along with what your partner wants, in time you will see it was the best decision. You had PND after your first, do you really want to risk having that again, maybe worse? We all get broody but it passes. Life is too short for regrets and there is a lot of joy to have in your present life.