AIBU to divorce over him not wanting second child?

[ziggiestardust]

We have 1 healthy, 9 year old DC. I struggled massively with PND and when DC was 4, I fell pregnant accidentally using a bc method that is no longer in use due to the failure rate. I had an abortion, which was of course ultimately my choice, but my husband made it clear he didn’t want another child and couldn’t support that choice (we both work in similar fields, earning similar money). This decision haunts me and I feel I legitimately made the wrong decision, but at the time I felt selfish for wanting the baby (I was 26 at this time and more easily pushed around than I am now).

I would love another baby. My husband has booked in for a vasectomy. I have not been on any form of contraception for 2 years, and my husband has used the withdrawal method or condoms in that time. I don’t want to force him into having another baby to stay with me (and I think he would now). I am 31 and I would love another baby so much, but once you say ‘I want a divorce because I don’t think you want to parent with me again’ there’s no going back is there?

We provide our DC with a lovely life, and we are happy together otherwise. It’s just this. If I can’t have another baby, I’m not sure it’s something I can just ‘let go’. I never thought I would be like this. I’ve tried and tried to be neutral. I’ve climbed the career ladder in the meantime and provided for our son.

I’ve tried to I bring myself into the way of thinking ‘how amazing our 40s will be’ because we had DS so young. But I can’t. I also can’t make DH want something he doesn’t really want. He’s amazing, and I’d rather set him free and give him the chance of a baby/toddler free life and just raise our son, then trick him into a pregnancy he doesn’t want. That hurts me more than anyone could know.

What should I do? Should I let DH free, or should I just swallow this forever?

Just suppose his desire not to have another child is as strong as your desire to have one, and he agrees to a divorce.

Then you don’t meet anyone who wants to have a baby with you, but he meets someone else and they have a baby.

And meanwhile the child you have has had his family ripped apart because you prioritised your dream of a second child above everything else.

there IS no blended family at the moment. It's a moot point. Not worth discussing

Of course it’s worth discussing! She has to at least factor this in to her decision. There’s every possibility that her husband would remarry, and OP is likely to find a new partner herself. She has to at least consider the effect this would have on her existing child, who gets no say in this decision but whose life will inevitably be worse as a result.

However that's no reason to NOT do it. It's her life.

Her life includes her responsibilities to her son. The effect that this would have on him is a pretty good reason not to do it. I’m not saying OP won’t consider it and then decide it’s worth it regardless of the negative impact it will have on her son, but you’re acting like his well-being is totally irrelevant so long as OP gets to do what she wants with her life.

There are always posters on these types of thread who behave as though satisfying a desire for more children justifies whatever pain it causes, no matter how intense. People will advocate breaking up a happy marriage and causing pain to an existing child for the possibility of another, as though the desire for babies trumps everything else. I fully accept that for some parents having more children will win out of preserving an existing family, but that doesn’t mean others should act like it’s a decision to be taken lightly, or that the parent is absolutely in the right when making that decision.

Sorry OP I've only had time you read your posts so this may have been asked before. Do you want a second baby because you say you were a 'mess' last time? Do you want another as your chance to 'do it right'?

Vivienne should they divorce, then the decision to meet and perhaps have a family with another man is hers alone.

No amount of discussing it at this point will alter the course of her future will it?

She will be a free agent if they divorce. Of course she'd need to think about her child....but that would be something only relevant if she met someone else in the first place. And that can't be predicted.

I've been on both sides of this issue. I married my first husband as I really wanted a baby, in fact I wanted several. We had one, then I had severe pnd for many months so my ex refused to even consider another for fear of the same happening again. Eventually we divorced for other reasons. I met my current husband and he made it clear that he wanted a child before we actually decided to marry. I didn't really want one, but I did want to be with him so went ahead. I had a PPH, baby was hard work, so I decided to be sterilised as I really didn't want any more.
The physical longing for a child is very real, and tends to trump any practical considerations. I guess that's natures way to ensure we reproduce! OP, sit down with your DH. Make a list of the pros and cons of having another child, be honest with each other about your reasons to want / not want one. Ultimately it has to be a joint decision. It's life changing.

Of course she'd need to think about her child....but that would be something only relevant if she met someone else in the first place. And that can't be predicted.

Exactly it cant be predicted. So OP could be ending a happy marriage, for nothing.

Her plan IS to meet someone else. So, the impact on her child needs to be considered.

Given the ops feelings are so strong she is willing to end an, otherwise happy marriage and family, only see her existing child half the week (which is so fucking hard) to achieve this, do you believe she isn't at risk of settling for a man who isn't right to achieve this goal. Or worse, isnt right for the existing child

I am sure OP woild say she would never settle down with someone who didnt like her child or wasnt the right person or abusive. But it often happens. Because ops primary goal is another baby. If she feels time is running out, she could get into a very sad situation.

It's not like OP is unhappy and just wants to be single. Lots of single parents dont get in another cohabiting relationship while their children are young. Then the blended family discussion would be irrelevant. OP would be leaving because she is unhappy, not because she wants to meet someone else.

If OP leaves her marriage, it's with the intention of meeting someone else and having a baby. The intention is a blended family.

Hi everyone, I’ve woken up this morning to all these messages and genuinely; they are really helpful. The reality of breaking up your family over something that might not even happen... plus the actual reality of sharing custody, going through divorce... it sounds silly but when you actually write it down and bounce it off other people; I can see how ridiculous that actually is. I definitely shouldn’t be throwing around those terms lightly. It’s definitely been helpful to get the thoughts out of my head and down on a screen in front of me. I don’t really want to speak to anyone I actually know about this in any depth.

The pregnancy I terminated; I did feel railroaded into that in all honesty. DH wasn’t bullying about it but he made it very clear that he felt it would be a terrible option for us to go ahead, and that he didn’t want it. I think for the sake of peace, and for the safety of my marriage, I went along with it. I didn’t stand up and say ‘actually, this isn’t what I want’. DH was in the counselling room beforehand and at all the pre appointments, so I didnt really feel like I could say anything. I need to underline that he’s not a bully; but this is something where I felt that he took the lead and I do now, 5 years on, think about it and feel resentful even though our marriage has been great otherwise, and we’ve provided a really nice life for DS.

At the time, I shut down over it and told myself I was fine with it because sure, it’s my body and I could have run away from the clinic; only to be met with an angry, unsupportive DH. And he would have been so pissed off. I genuinely felt that from thereon in, if something went wrong then there would be the underlying theme of ‘well if you hadn’t been selfish and had this baby...’, and what kind of choice is that?

At the time, he said he wasn’t averse to having more children ‘in the future’ and honestly now, I think that was probably something he said to placate me. He definitely didn’t want more, and that’s evidenced by the vasectomy.

I suppose my OP was borne out of frustration that, when we got together; I made it clear I wanted 2 or 3. He never actually said ‘I only want one’ before this whole vasectomy thing. If that was his goal all along; then that’s fine. I just feel strung along, always hoping the time would come when he’d say ‘I’m ready now, let’s do it’ only all along, he knew that would never happen. I didn’t though. It’s his body and his choice; I support his right to a vasectomy. I’m still sad though.

I’m going to check out options for counselling in my local area. I’d like to go alone first and try and tidy up some of these thoughts I’ve been having.

It just comes across as so selfish.

You have a happy marriage, a happy son, a good life with a career you've worked for - and you're considering breaking all that apart, because of your 'urge'? I'm sorry you regret your abortion but we all have to live with our decisions.

Life isn't fair, we don't get everything we want, but you've got a hell of a lot and I'm stunned it's not enough for you.

I feel so sorry for your husband and son. Your responsibly is to them.

Have you shared all these thoughts with him recently? You sound very very supportive of his needs and wants but you are entitled to yours also. e.g. if you talk it through and he agrees, albeit reluctantly, it won't be him "caving in" it will him putting your needs and wants before his own, something that we women do every day automatically. Talk it through with him. More than once if necessary. Divorce does sound ridiculous but a fundamental refusal to consider you is a BIG deal. Imagine it the other way round ?

Ziggy you sound like you have a clearer head this morning. Don’t feel bad that the urge for another is overwhelming you, it’s perfectly normal for you to want another baby. I too would feel aggrieved at hubby for saying maybe to another in the future then booking a vasectomy. I understood your feelings as I’m experiencing similar. Although my hubby and I are experiencing some issues at the moment. For the first time in our 15years together. But that’s a whole other post. He has recently said to me that we’re not having anymore children. We have 3 at the moment and always said we’d have 4. Right from the start of our relationship. I’m feeling very resentful towards him for just changing our plan and i hate that I have no part in this decision. I’m not sure what lies ahead for us now, but you seem otherwise happy. So it would be a real shame to end a good marriage. A previous poster suggested adoption, this could be a good option for you. Maybe a wee 3/4 year old would slot right into your family and fill that space in your heart. Without the madness of pregnancy/baby/toddler years. I appreciate that adoption wouldn’t be a walk in the park either but it could be just right for you. I think you’re doing the right thing considering counselling, working through your feelings about the abortion could make things even clearer. 💕🍀

I didn’t read the full thread but I am a bit shocked about how many people are asking whether she would be willing to share the kid 50/50 and assuming he will continue to be the good husband and dad whose only defect is not wanting more children.

Divorce is not a marriage where the parties live in different houses, it is not about having the double bed to yourself is about surviving with your own resources and strength, the only commitment the law insist on (but cannot force) is that he gives you 15-20% of his salary after taxes reduced pro rats if the children sleep a few nights in his house.

If you force him to have a baby:

• he will resent you, he will no longer trust you. Your relationship as you know it will cease to exist.
• He may not care for the baby or wish to spend any time with him (honestly, you cannot force him to care)
• your kid will be affected for the above drama a lot. As he will lose the family life he has in exchange of a sibling who cannot even be a friend as the age difference would be huge. He is very likely to end up providing a lot of the care for that baby if you split or resenting him for what it has done to your marriage.

So it seems to me that he has the right not to want another baby, and although you may claim you have the same right to have another one, I believe you will be screwing things up for you and your child to entertain a broodiness that doesn’t even guarantee you can get pregnant or that that child will be healthy.

In short, end the marriage and try for another baby, or stay with your husband and forget about a new baby. You cannot force him to father a baby and think he will come along.

So you want 2 or 3.

So he could decide to go ahead with child 2.

And this could all happen again?

He never said 'I only want one' because at that time he may have been open to more.

Certainly, nobody knows what having children is like until you have one. He is entitled to change his mind

Life is just full of uncertainties with the future. We have to make choices and stick with them. Yet I was reading recently (here?) that a quite a large proportion of people regret their divorce (more men than women but still over 1/3rd if I remember correctly).

Who knows whether you'd be happier making the decision to prioritise trying to have another child over being patient and trusting that you'd get over the urge of another child.

What I do know (and have experienced myself) is that however intense the feeling of broodiness is, it does go away with time, and sometimes, to the point of relief that it never happened.

I personally wouldn't give away the blessing of having one child with a man I love and loves me back, especially when there is no guarantee that you'd have another child, let alone with another man you love and loves you back, but ultimately, there are bound to be women who made that choice and will say it was the best decision they've ever made.

If you left there is no guarantee you would meet someone in time and form a stable enough relationship to have another child anyway. Your 31 so say now took you a year to meet so someone. Another 2 years making sure stable and then your 35. What if you don't catch straight away? You be close to 40. That's if everything happens quickly after you split. Some people stay single for years and years....

I agree with MoanyAnna.

Talk us through how you got from him saying he might be open to another child in the future, through him happily using the least reliable form of contraception ever for two years to “I am having a vasectomy”. That’s quite a big change. Withdrawal method with a young fertile wife is not the action of a man who absolutely does not want a child.
What did you say when he told you about the vasectomy? It strikes me that something which is for you a source of huge pain and anguish come down to a very superficial “don’t want the hassle” from him. Does he have any idea how deeply you feel about this? As countless other posters have said you need to have a proper talk about this and ASAP before he does something potentially irreversible.
And don’t gobsecknd guessing how he will feel (eg “if he agrees he’ll feel forced”.) have more respect for both of you- respect for him making a decision and being happy with it even if it means he’s changed his mind and respect for yourself in the sense that you should be able to accept that he might love you enough to do what makes you happy even if it wasn’t initially his first choice.

Whatever you do, do not sit there quietly imagining his thought process and inventing responses instead of actually talking about it. Good luck.

I think it's a bit selfish to break up an otherwise happy family because of your desire to have another child? It will have a negative impact on your DS for the rest of his life

You admit you had bad PND and was a mess and obviously your DH had to deal with the stress of that too so I'm not surprised he doesn't want to put you all through that again??

You won't be happy sharing your child 50/50 with him and prob his new partner even if you stop loving him and def it if you still love him. You need to be much more realistic about this scenario which has every chance of still leaving you without a second child
Perhaps you should could think of his feelings as balancing your own and I don't mean to be harsh. He's seen the woman he loves go through PND supported her lived her through their mutual choices and is making an informed choice now.

OP, well done for getting your feelings down and trying to sort through them. Definitely look for a counsellor.

I would say, from your post, that you are ascribing thoughts to him he may never have had. You are assuming he never wanted more than one child all along, and that simply might not be the case. He might just be scared of what happened before happening again and feel unable to cope.

Please do tell him you’re struggling with the idea of a vasectomy and before he does anything you’d appreciate a few months where you can explore your feelings about it all. You can tell him it’s yeoggered feelings about the abortion if you don’t want to bring up your desire for another child right away. If he’s a good man, like you say, he should respect your wishes.

This man railroaded you into an abortion that you didn’t want, lied to you that he’d be willing to have another child in the future, and then booked a vasectomy.
How on earth does this make him a “wonderful husband”?
I think you should sit him down and tell him exactly how his behaviour has made you feel.
And after enduring an abortion to please him, perhaps it’s now his turn to endure a baby and care for you during the postnatal depression that may possibly follow again, to please you.
I’d recommend couples counselling in any case, to resolve the unaddressed issues from the abortion.

So, initially he was open to more. Even when DS was young; he would say stuff like ‘oh if we did this again I wouldn’t make the mistake of xyz’. When we did talk about having more; he was always very much ‘not right now’ and there would always be a reason. Sometimes quite good ones, sometimes not so good, but always a reason. And he was quite firm and I respected that. We bought a house a couple of years ago and we chose a 4 bed; I remember walking into the spare room and saying ‘this would make a lovely nursery if we had another one’ and he nodded and agreed. He says he doesn’t remember that. But I remember saying it; it would be such an odd thing to misremember on my behalf.

As time has gone on, my body has started to give me worse and worse side effects from contraception; I’ve been using hormonal contraceptives since I was 14 so I guess maybe this is what you get! That’s my reason for not wanting to use them. I told him about this, and he said that was fair enough (2 years ago) and that he would take care of contraceptives. He uses condoms and the withdrawal method occasionally. I also privately track my cycle using an app. I said to him about 6 months ago that this wasn’t the safest, and maybe we should talk about something better. He said he might look into a vasectomy. When I tried to bring up about feelings over not having another baby, he would say ‘oh not all this now, we’re having a lovely day and you’re going to spoil it’ or he’d sigh and roll his eyes and say ‘oh we’re doing this NOW are we? You need to warn me when you’re going to talk about this so I’m prepared.’ This is literally the ONLY thing he is like this with. He’s great with everything else; so for an easy life and not to make him cross or spoil things, I didn’t say anything and thought he might come to me to talk.

Booking the vasectomy wasn’t something I was involved in. He went to the GP (left work early) and the appointment was in our shared calendar. When I got home, I asked if everything was okay (he had recently had a bad cough that turned into a chest infection needing antibiotics, so I was worried it hadn’t cleared up). That’s when he told me he’d gone in to talk about a vasectomy. I was quite shocked, I honestly didnt know what to say. He said ‘well we can’t go on like we are, sooner or later there will be an accident; anyway, DS is too old now and it would spoil what we have.’ He said he knew it was final and said that that aspect of it upset him, and he didn’t really want to discuss that. That was a few weeks ago and I’ve just been kind of sad ever since really. As for where he is in the process, I think he has to wait for a referral and there’s a bit of a wait.

To the PPs saying that I could feel this way after having 2 and want a third; that’s something DH has mentioned. He says ‘how do I know you’ll just not go on forever and ever?’ I mean I guess he has a point; I did say when it came up that I would happily be sterilised after a second so that wasn’t a possibility, plus it would solve the hormonal contraceptives issue.

I suppose I just feel like we’ve floated here. Every time I try and talk about it, I get shut down. Like I say; I think my OP was borne out of upset over feeling a bit like I’ve been led down the garden path (even though I’m sure he didn’t intend on that, he’s a good person). We all say extreme things in the heat of the moment; that’s why I posted here. It’s definitely helpful to have it all written down here.

A PP wrote about if I had another one; there would be a loss of trust and my DS would see a lot of strife in the marriage because of that. At the end of the day; you’re bringing a new life into the world and if each party isn’t 100% on board... I mean, it’s a life wrecker for the person who doesn’t want it.

If you and he can't talk openly and frankly about this issue - 8then yes your relationship has serious issues.
You need to talk. (Talk first to a counsellor of some kind if necessary.)

*You need to warn me when you’re going to talk about this so I’m prepared.’

This is literally the ONLY thing he is like this with. He’s great with everything else; so for an easy life and not to make him cross or spoil things, I didn’t say anything and thought he might come to me to talk.

So warn him, let him prepare and then talk about it. He’s told you EXACTLY what he wants.

Waiting for him to come to you is not making your life easier, is it? Quite the opposite.

He very, very clearly doesn't want another child. He's fully entitled to that choice.

Are you happy to divorce and change your life, your son's life, your DH's life, for the 'what if' of maybe finding another man to have a baby with?

I know I'd be counting my blessings and focusing on what I did have rather than what I didn't.