AIBU to divorce over him not wanting second child?

[ziggiestardust]

We have 1 healthy, 9 year old DC. I struggled massively with PND and when DC was 4, I fell pregnant accidentally using a bc method that is no longer in use due to the failure rate. I had an abortion, which was of course ultimately my choice, but my husband made it clear he didn’t want another child and couldn’t support that choice (we both work in similar fields, earning similar money). This decision haunts me and I feel I legitimately made the wrong decision, but at the time I felt selfish for wanting the baby (I was 26 at this time and more easily pushed around than I am now).

I would love another baby. My husband has booked in for a vasectomy. I have not been on any form of contraception for 2 years, and my husband has used the withdrawal method or condoms in that time. I don’t want to force him into having another baby to stay with me (and I think he would now). I am 31 and I would love another baby so much, but once you say ‘I want a divorce because I don’t think you want to parent with me again’ there’s no going back is there?

We provide our DC with a lovely life, and we are happy together otherwise. It’s just this. If I can’t have another baby, I’m not sure it’s something I can just ‘let go’. I never thought I would be like this. I’ve tried and tried to be neutral. I’ve climbed the career ladder in the meantime and provided for our son.

I’ve tried to I bring myself into the way of thinking ‘how amazing our 40s will be’ because we had DS so young. But I can’t. I also can’t make DH want something he doesn’t really want. He’s amazing, and I’d rather set him free and give him the chance of a baby/toddler free life and just raise our son, then trick him into a pregnancy he doesn’t want. That hurts me more than anyone could know.

What should I do? Should I let DH free, or should I just swallow this forever?

You will hurt your current child so much. This will tear his world apart. You are essentially choosing wanting a theoretical sibling more than you want him. You'd be giving up 50% of your time with him. You'd introduce all the complexities of stepfamilies. Most step families don't survive. Second marriages fail at a much higher rate. What if new man doesn't accept your son? This is madness, OP. You need to give yourself a firm shake.

Op I think you need to look at the reasons why you want another child.

I left my husband when our child was really young (not related to wanting a second child) and I wonder if my desire to have a child with my partner is genuine, or because of misguided belief I could do it “right” a second time. Only deep down I know, the person I want to do things “right” for, is my existing child, not a hypothetical one. So I may have a second child, I may not. I’m mindful of where my priorities lie though and am treading carefully for that reason.

You keep saying that you don't want to give ultimatums and that he would probably stay and you don't want to force him... But you don't know that. Your DH is a grown man and can make his own decisions about things. I understand your thinking because you love him and don't want to build resentment, but you are taking away his choices here. If he realises how important this is to you and that he could end up losing you over it then maybe he would rethink things and have a different outlook. He may not, of course, but again it's his decision and you should let him make that decision himself. I think you owe it to your husband to be really honest with him about how you're feeling and give him a real opportunity to talk it through and see if you can figure something out. This is what marriage is about.

Also I agree with others that leaving your DH could be very damaging to your first child. I would be very keen to save my marriage if possible, especially when there's already a DC involved.

My friend is currently divorcing her husband because she wants a third baby. She's early thirties and he's in his 50s so I actually think she's unreasonable but...she wants a baby...what can she do? She can't bear to look at him anymore and I actually think that the whole baby issue is a cover because she's fallen out of love with him since his health took a downturn.

you are taking away his choices here well he's taking hers away too.

Your desire for a second child is a legitimate and powerful one. Also somewhere in there you must hold anger at him for making it feel impossible not to abort the second child you could have had.

You have to talk to him. If he hears it as an ultimatum and responds as you think he will, then you will have to go from there, see what happens when you discuss and how it feels. But I don’t think you should relinquish your need for a second child just to keep the peace.

I agree with Atrocious

I think you need couples counseling to help you work through it.

I don’t think you should give him an ultimatum.

I think it is fine to let him know how desperate you have been feeling for another child and how miserable it is making you feel that you are alone in this decision and that you don’t want him to do it your way but you want to discuss a compromise that works for you both.

Finding a middle ground isn’t coercing anyone.

Perhaps you can discuss how things will be managed better this time round?. Perhaps you can compromise on expectations of his and your parenting and find support to fill in the gaps.

We all over do it im with pfb. It’s always more manageable second time round. I think if you have a strong marriage it is likely that he will end up loving the child when the baby comes and you don’t need to worry about him resenting your convincing.

I think you are too passive to a fault about something you want. Breaking up your marriage over this is unreasonable if you haven’t considered other avenues.

It is fine if he compromised for your sake... and you compromised for his sake. And met each other half way.

A friend was in the exact same position.
Her DH was insisted that they only have one DC.
30 years on. She is extremely close to her DS, has two beautiful DGC who she looks after 3 days a week and the marriage is still going strong.

She also had her DS secretly baptised because her DH didn't agree with baptism.

However he did compromise and didn't have any issues with DS attending a faith based school.

So maybe it's all about compromising. If the marriage is great otherwise, leave it be.

Are some people here seriously saying that op could potentially 'damage' her existing child or give them mental health problems if they got divorced. Christ on a fuckin bike don't be so damn ridiculous. I'm from divorced parents and them staying together in an unhappy marriage could have caused more damage than not. I am not damaged nor do I have mental health issues

Broken exactly. Divorce can be a very upsetting experience but it's not life ruining unless there's abuse.

OP, it isn't worth it. You will have no say in your husband's next relationship, even though he may get involved with someone who treats your child like dirt. Look at the step-parenting boards.

@broken1982

But they aren’t in an unhappy marriage!! If they were then I’d agree with you.

My parents are divorced and I’m glad they did because they were a toxic couple together. This isn’t what’s going on with her and her DH.

This kid is going to have to grow up with some man he’s not related to, isn’t going to love him unconditionally in the way a parent does (there’s a small percentage chance he will but it’s unlikely). The whole thing is just depressing for the kid.

Valanice what's that got to do with anything??

Look at the step-parenting boards

Or even look into studies by psychologists of the life outcomes of people who live with step parents compared to bio parents.

It makes for very depressing reading. More likely to have depression, suffer physical and verbal abuse, less educational attainment. It’s pretty grim but not surprising in the slightest.

www.iol.co.za/lifestyle/parenting/why-children-with-step-parents-are-more-troubled-12765482

Valanice what's that got to do with anything??

What has her own child who’s going to have to deal with this “blended family” got to do with anything?! Just see my earlier post on the likely outcome of having a step parent.

Hithere there IS no blended family at the moment. It's a moot point. Not worth discussing.

Can you try to get to the root of what he means by “hassle” of new baby? My instinct is that he is very afraid of you getting PND again (not at all your fault that you had it btw) so he wants to avoid it. Could you work with him to have a plan to either have extra help or ensure you’re working with your Dr to help stave off PND? Xxx

there IS no blended family at the moment. It's a moot point. Not worth discussing

She wants to leave her husband to have another child! So she’d need a man to do that!

I doubt OP is wants to go down the sperm donor route or she’d have said that in her post.

Hi well yes she would and I'm sure she's not stupid.....and the fact is that she will have considered that her current child will be affected by that.

However that's no reason to NOT do it. It's her life.

You know how they say don’t stay in a bad marriage for the children? Well this isn’t that situation. This is a perfectly nice life that is different than other perfectly nice lives you could have led. You know where your spouse stands. This place really comes down to whether or not you are willing to decimate your existing child’s life to follow your own bliss. Maybe it’s worth it to you. Sometimes it is. Sometimes the need is just that strong. I can’t fathom wanting a second child badly enough to destroy my first child’s stability and trust.

I thought the saying was dont stay in an unhappy marriage for children. Or are we now saying if one party is unhappy (for whatever reason) they should suck it up and be miserable and keep up an air of pretence of a happy marriage for the children. Cos kids never pick up on these things. No. Not at all.

OP, you really need to stop being so wishy-washy with what you want.

If you know you 100% want another child then you need to sit down and tell you husband. If he agrees to another one, you need to accept that and not start questioning his reasons for agreeing, as you know why already.

If he says no, then leave him. Because you will only end up unhappy in the long run and that will impact your marriage anyway, resentment will set in.

Yes divorce will impact your current child but you being unhappy will impact them more. Staying in a unhappy marriage for the kids is such a old mistake, people still make. I know your not unhappy now but in the long run, you both want different things.

I think you should try and find a therapist/counsellor to talk to about all this, before you make any decisions about your marriage. I don't think your desire for another child is wrong, and your wish not to trap your husband is admirable. But talking to him about how much you'd like a second child isn't coercing him into having one - your abortion was 5 years ago, his own views might have changed since then, too. And I think you need someone neutral you can talk all this through with, in confidence, before you decide to end an otherwise happy relationship.

I also think you should perhaps talk to someone about how you're feeling - your op talks about how amazing your husband is and how you would set him free by splitting up with him. But he might think you're amazing too, and not see it as being set free at all. You sound very harsh on yourself here, and I think it might be worth exploring all this with someone to just be sure you're making a rational choice - I say this as someone who often suffers from depression, when I'm convinced my husband would be better off without me for whatever reason I've convinced myself of, which is not how he sees things at all...