AIBU to divorce over him not wanting second child?

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We have 1 healthy, 9 year old DC. I struggled massively with PND and when DC was 4, I fell pregnant accidentally using a bc method that is no longer in use due to the failure rate. I had an abortion, which was of course ultimately my choice, but my husband made it clear he didn’t want another child and couldn’t support that choice (we both work in similar fields, earning similar money). This decision haunts me and I feel I legitimately made the wrong decision, but at the time I felt selfish for wanting the baby (I was 26 at this time and more easily pushed around than I am now).

I would love another baby. My husband has booked in for a vasectomy. I have not been on any form of contraception for 2 years, and my husband has used the withdrawal method or condoms in that time. I don’t want to force him into having another baby to stay with me (and I think he would now). I am 31 and I would love another baby so much, but once you say ‘I want a divorce because I don’t think you want to parent with me again’ there’s no going back is there?

We provide our DC with a lovely life, and we are happy together otherwise. It’s just this. If I can’t have another baby, I’m not sure it’s something I can just ‘let go’. I never thought I would be like this. I’ve tried and tried to be neutral. I’ve climbed the career ladder in the meantime and provided for our son.

I’ve tried to I bring myself into the way of thinking ‘how amazing our 40s will be’ because we had DS so young. But I can’t. I also can’t make DH want something he doesn’t really want. He’s amazing, and I’d rather set him free and give him the chance of a baby/toddler free life and just raise our son, then trick him into a pregnancy he doesn’t want. That hurts me more than anyone could know.

What should I do? Should I let DH free, or should I just swallow this forever?

Oh dear, he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t isn’t he? He can’t now say yes cos you won’t believe him, so it’s like you’re forcing the scenario where you leave. Is that what you really want?

Relationships involve a lot of compromise. From what you say, it sounds like you have not sat down recently and really told your h how you are feeling? If you do explain how much you regret the abortion and how much you want another child, he may choose to compromise. I was in a similar situation with my H about having a third child. He didn’t want a third. I felt that I wanted a third more than he didn’t want one. He agreed to it. He couldn’t ever regret that decision now we have our wonderful third daughter (who is now a teenager). Sometimes I think we should be a little selfish in relationships and ask for what we really want, rather than being bitter that we don’t have it. Are you afraid that your h would resent you if he compromised? There is also a chance that he wouldn’t.

There are so many good things to having one child. could you try to focus on those? I have several friends with children with learning difficulties or bigger health problems, i've got a bit more reason to be happy with my health only child.

Also, if you have PND quite badly the first time, it could definitely be worse the second time, and could have a bigger effect because your older DC would also be affected. That alone could be enough to end your marriage, so it soudns very risky.

I don't truthfully know many couples who genuinely say their marriages are happy, so please be thankful that yours is

I think you need to talk to him. Does he know how much you want another baby? It might be that he feels less strongly about the situation than you do and is more open to the idea of a second child than you think he would be. If the options are to continue as you are but with you dreadfully unhappy, to have a second child even though he hadn’t planned on wanting one or for you to leave him and have a second child with somebody else there’s every chance he would go for the second choice. I think you need to at least speak to him and tell him how you feel before you resign yourself to leaving him.

Who would you be having this baby with? What if you meet a new partner and you can't get pregnant?

I wouldn't risk the happiness and future of my current child for a pipe dream.

A child shunted from one house to the other while divorced parents 50/50 'co parent' is often quite an un happy child.

Barring abuse I really think that parents have a responsibility to try their very best to make their relationship work and sometimes that means putting your whole families happiness above your own.

I do think you should have an honest conversation with your husband about this.

I sympathise with how you're feeling, broodiness can take over rational thought.

Honestly, I personally regret my choice to have more than one child. It’s not really fair on the first-born. A screaming baby is not fair on an older child who needs their rest and needs to concentrate on homework etc.

My children have friends at school and clubs, so siblings weren’t necessary.

Babies cost significant amounts of money, and the cost will continue as they get older. This means you won’t be able to provide as much as you used to for your current child, because you won’t have as much money.

You won’t have as much time or energy to give to your current child, and that could really hurt them, as it did mine.

If you have an otherwise happy relationship I would try to work on that as divorce could cause you and your son more pain and heartache. If there is no way in which to move this forward and it's really good that you are not trying to trap him like a crazy person, you need to be honest now. Good luck OP.

So, 9 yo has his family torn apart because you think the one child you have isn’t enough? You may not see it like that but your child will.

Also, you split up your family and then can’t find anyone else who wants kids them what?

I don't mean to be presumptuous OP but are you clear on your own reasons for wanting another baby?

I also had PND and as a result the newborn phase was hell. The worst thing I've ever experienced.

I find myself now fantasising about another baby. It can be all consuming. But I know it's more about wanting to rewrite history, to get the experience others had ... To realise the expectations I had and replace the terrible memories I got lumbered with instead.

I don't act on this because we're so lucky with our DD. And to have come out the other side . IF I ever had another, it would have to be for the right reasons for all of us as a family, not this.

I think to throw away a happy family for this is a terrible idea. Enjoy the child you have and the fact you're well.

He's been honest with you about what he wants. It's only fair to both of you that you let him know exactly how you feel. Start there.

It depends if you think another baby is worth the break up your family. If you did split there's no knowing how long it would take to meet a man with whom you would want another child.

I wonder how your 9 year old will feel about her family being broken up by you just so you can have another baby and having to split her life 50/50 between you and her father? It's pretty selfish don't you think?

If anything; it’s my own fault he doesn’t want more
Because you had pnd? Please dont think this. Its not your job to make parenting easier or more fun for your partner!

I would second other posters who have suggested counselling first. You need to be sure you can't move forward sticking with one dc . You have a bit of time as only 31 so it's not as if you have to act now.

I know you feel like it is an ultimatum but honestly I think you are burying your head in the sand if you don't tell him how you feel and what you are considering. Arrange some counselling and then tell him about it, explain how you have been feeling.

So would the ultimate goal in leaving him be to find someone else to have a child with?

What if that doesn't then happen? How would you feel about the choice to leave, with that hindsight.

Marriage is about compromise.

If you haven't actually told him how you feel you are being unreasonable.
Your needs don't trump his but if it is so important to you You have to explain it

It’s a big gamble for no guarantee that you would meet someone in time to settle down and have another baby with them. And it would obviously have a huge impact on your son.

If your relationship is otherwise happy would you consider therapy to help you move on? Part of me thinks that because you’re still hoping your husband will change his mind, you aren’t taking positive steps to try and move past your desire for another child. Therapy might help with that.

You may as well talk to him about this now because if you decide to divorce him surely you’re going to tell him why...

If you leave it and demand a divorce after his vasectomy he has no way of making things right. At least give your DH the chance to have some input and choice.

I think you’re being pretty unkind to D H and DC as you sound quite ready to abandon 50% of DC and 100% of DH for a baby that does not, and might never, exist.

But you’ve said that if you really pushed for it he would agree? Well push for it then woman! Surely having a chat and explaining how you feel and him agreeing to try for another one is so much better than you splitting up the family because you think he doesn’t want one? If you ask and he’s willing then fair enough, I say!

You may not meet another man and maybe you will resent yourself for leaving a relatively happy relationship. You are making problems where there need not be any.

You don’t sound like you love him very much if you’d choose a child that doesn’t exist yet over being with him.

If you genuinely don’t want to be with your husband then leave but do you think it’ll be a good think for your kid to have to deal with a step dad? You only have to look at all research and even the MN threads to know being brought up by a step parent most of the time is not ideal for the child involved. It seems selfish to your child.

It’s a tough decision

DH was desperate for another and I didn’t want to. I gave in, I was due a big promotion and was busy with work which I loved and a toddler.

I agreed thinking it would take a year and may not even happen.

It did straight away, and twins to boot. I had to give up work to care for them.

It was actually a great experience and I wouldn’t swap my life for anyone else’s. I don’t blame him, I agreed after all, there no resentment. We are still together and things worked out fine.

He may come round to the idea, 9 years on is quite a gap. Talk to him honestly and ask him to think about things and agree to a second conversation in a week or two.

That’s ay you get a honest opinion and he may need time to think about it and talk it through with his friends etc

I was in your DH's position and got railroaded/guilted into having another DC.
We divorced because I could not get over the feeling that I had been forced to have another DC purely because HE wanted it.
It all depends if you are prepared to lose your marriage in order to gain more DCs.

I think you need to go to counselling together and discuss it in a neutral space as a) you might find talking ‘releases’ the desire or b) you might find talking allows your husband to chdnge his mind.

You’ll only believe he wants another baby if you have it legitimised in some way and counselling will at least make your future paths - together or apart - clear.

Its ok, to not to agree on everything in life. As long as you communicate your want for another child and how strong that urge is. It ok. He might still not agree, but he deserves a chance to know that a vasectomy might destroy his marriage. Be open and honest with him. I personally think it is a valid reason to divorce, but only if you make your feeling clear to him. Give him a chance by explaining yourself to him.

Are you sure you'd rather put your son through the stress and unhappiness of having divorced parents simply to pursue the desire to have another baby? A baby that might never happen?

Because that sounds really selfish to me. Are you going to have this proposed child alone? Or foist a possibly unhappy step-parent situation on your existing son?

Really, count your blessings. And put your actual child's needs before your own wish for what might be a pipedream.

I agree with Nosquirrels. Counselling would definitely be helpful regardless of whether you have another child or not. I was in a similar situation to you and had to have the conversation, i couldn't not. It was a deal breaker for me, I didn't bring DC1 into this world thinking they'd be an only child, I knew personally I wanted 2 (obviously if it didn't happen twice then I would have made my peace with that). We talked it through with a counsellor, went to see two consultants (I nearly died giving birth to DC1) and we decided to try again. I know I wanted it more than him but I was happy that the decision was his based on all the information he could get. He has no regrets. You need to work out your worst case scenario on all the outcomes and see what you can live with. I hope it all works out for you.