AIBU - What would you have done?

[TheQueensCorgi]

Name changed. Meeting at work (large company, very big on rights for all) and at the end we shook hands with others. I was the only woman in the room and when I got to a man (not white), I put out my hand and he said ‘Sorry I don’t shake hands with women’, and walked off.

I kind of stood there not really knowing what to do next, a few of the men who had overheard still in the room said he never shakes hands for religious reasons.

What would you have done? Would you brush this off? I felt like a second class citizen and quite embarrassed. Should I just be accepting of the fact this was his view or do I have the right to be annoyed ?

Surely, he has a right to body autonomy. If he doesn't want to touch anyone for whatever reason, he should be entitled not to.

Snowy81
It is normal and customary in this country to shake hands in a business setting, so if it’s not normal for some people, they better get used it if they want to be accepted in that environment, they won’t get very far otherwise.

@ilovemypantry

So that means I would have had to kiss both men on the cheeks when I lived in France, to abide by their culture and custom. Well I don’t bloody want to.

I’m with @Lweji , I have the right to body autonomy.

@Lweji - Surely, he has a right to body autonomy. If he doesn't want to touch anyone for whatever reason, he should be entitled not to.

Of course he has the right to bodily autonomy. However, that does not mean he is entitled to be rude and disrespectful. If he does not wish to touch women, then either shake hands with no one or use a different, non-contact way of greeting/showing respect. Many people whose religious beliefs prohibit touching the opposite sex manage to comply with them without being rude and disrespectful.

SagAloojah

Yes, you should have shown respect to the culture and custom in France of kissing on both cheeks. Sometimes we have to do some things we don’t feel entirely comfortable with..that’s life.

My neighbours are Syrian muslims. They are lovely, kind and generous people, but very much religious. The men and boys of their family will only speak to my husband.

What do the women do?

Everyone has the right to bodily autonomy, no one has the right to discriminate on the grounds of sex.

If you don't want to shake hands with a woman, then don't offer to shake with the men, treat everyone equally.

I'd have given him a lascivious wink and mouthed "your loss"...

Not really. It is his belief, and while it doesn't chime with Western standards, it's just what it is, and definitely not personal. Chalk that one up to experience and move on I reckon.

Bandara

If you worked and lived in Spain for three years then you should have absolutely respected the customs and culture of that country, not to do so is just so disrespectful. Just because it wasn’t normal for you doesn’t give you the right to “opt out”.
And that is the same for anyone living in U.K. (irrespective of whether they are foreign or not), it is a mark of respect for the country you are living and working in. Far too many people ignore this fact.

@Ilovemypantry I don't know why or if they really did feel silly but most people know others dont do handshaking, especially on grounds of religion, so when faced with a hijab wearing woman who refuses their handshake they realise they shouldn't of offered it in the first place.
Also you say if in another country where kissing is a greeting that we should allow it because "sometimes we have to do things we aren't comfortable with" that's rubbish, no one has to do anything they aren't comfortable with.
If my DD and I are at a family gathering I tell her to say her goodbyes and if a family member goes in for a kiss and cuddle sometimes she'll accept and other times she won't, do I force her? Hell no, I don't care if it offends anyone or if it doesn't suit them.

@Ilovemypantry

Yes, you should have shown respect to the culture and custom in France of kissing on both cheeks. Sometimes we have to do some things we don’t feel entirely comfortable with..that’s life.

And yet men aren’t expected to kiss other men!!

I don’t want to kiss a strange man on the cheeks and the man’s discomfort with me not wanting to kiss him is not more important than my desire not to kiss him! Would you say that to a woman who has been raped or sexually assaulted? That she has to kiss men because society expects her to so she doesn’t hurt their feelings?

I think he could have handled it better by saying his religion forbids him to shake hands with a woman.
I tend to keep a clear distance between men I know or suspect of being Muslim, then I'm not having the expectation of a shake.
I've just spent a semester being respectfully, physically distant from a group of very devout Muslim students (early 20's) who then in our last lesson completely mobbed me (shoulder holding etc.) at my desk to get some grades off me (it was in good spirits I "scolded" them away). So you never can tell who is going to have an issue with personal space and who isn't.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who are just touch averse. I wish I could get out of handshaking sometimes - I think it's quite unhygienic!

I'm a Muslim female and I choose not to shake hands with men. Its a ruling in our faith and that trumps customs and practises. Not all Muslim's follow the rule but many do. I'm British born and my family are non-Muslim btw.

I tend to carry my clipboard across my chest so my hands aren't available for shaking, and dip my head out of respect instead. In mixed situations I'd do the same. I've occasionally had to say 'I'm really sorry due to my faith I don't shake hands with men, but I am really pleased to meet you' and give a big smile. Nobody seems to mind or at least nobody has said anything to me.

Why should there be any touching?

Equally, why shouldn’t there be?

Are you for real?

I think this is a question of whose rights trump whose. I don’t think your right to get a handshake (but presumably to be treated equally in every other respect) trumps his right to follow his religious practice. Therefore I think you should be tolerant

And as for you stating that you’ve lived as an expat and wouldn’t dream of changing your values to match each setting...well you should, it is only respectful to the country that is hosting you. so embrace FGM, or child marriage, or beating your wife, or sleeping around, or smacking your children, or gun ownership, because your neighbors think that’s a good way to live? . Don’t be so stupid. We are all responsible for our own behaviour.

I think this is a question of whose rights trump whose.

Or, the right to want not to touch or be touched should always trump the expectation of touch.
It's what we tell men in relation to women's bodies, and it should apply to any person. Regardless of reason.

I think he did it very rudely. He could have said 'I CAN'T shake hands with you' – that would have sounded less dismissive than 'don't'. And/or not shaken anyone's hand and explained why.

I've occasionally had to say 'I'm really sorry due to my faith I don't shake hands with men, but I am really pleased to meet you' and give a big smile.

That's a better way of handling it.

FrancisCrawford, I think the bow is a bit different in Japanese culture and not so much about marking differences in status. AFAIK two people considered equal in rank bow to the same degree. Maybe we could adopt that instead?

Could he reasonably have expected you to know he was Jewish/Muslim/whatever other faiths carry out this practice?