AIBU - What would you have done?

[TheQueensCorgi]

Name changed. Meeting at work (large company, very big on rights for all) and at the end we shook hands with others. I was the only woman in the room and when I got to a man (not white), I put out my hand and he said ‘Sorry I don’t shake hands with women’, and walked off.

I kind of stood there not really knowing what to do next, a few of the men who had overheard still in the room said he never shakes hands for religious reasons.

What would you have done? Would you brush this off? I felt like a second class citizen and quite embarrassed. Should I just be accepting of the fact this was his view or do I have the right to be annoyed ?

Just because it’s normal behaviours for you- shaking hands- doesn’t mean it’s normal behaviour for someone else.

Respect his wishes and leave it alone.

This is a situation with two sets of conflicting rights. It is illegal to discriminate on the basis of sex. I think singling out a woman and refusing to shake her hand while shaking all the men's hands is discriminatory. He has a right to have his religion respected and should not be required to touch a woman. However, you also have the right not to be discriminated against on the basis of your sex.

There is a very simple solution to this. He should decline to shake anyone's hand in a mixed-sex setting. I have been in this situation where the Muslim man has declined to shake any hands. I have also been in a situation where a Muslim man (obviously not very strict) has initiated a hand shake with me. Both are acceptable.

I would never initiate a hand shake with a man I thought was a Muslim or orthodox jew so as not to put them in the awkward position of having to refuse. However, I would equally expect them not to put me in the awkward position of being excluded in a group situation. It's basically about mutual respect. The man you encountered did not show you the respect you are entitled to.

@nottonightjosepheen interesting thought.
It's still his choice but as far as for religious reasons go; 1 if he followed his religion then he wouldn't be in a homosexual relationship 2 not shaking hands with the opposite sex has nothing to do with having a committed relationship and 3 it would still ultimately be his choice if he didn't want to shake hands with someone of the same sex or opposite.
But in this case we are talking about a religious man who clearly tries to follow his beliefs so the heterosexual presumption is more of a fact and that's why the responses are based on such.

Some women love being victims, AFAICS "Respect his religion" "He's not being rude, you are" "No one should be forced to shake anyone else's hand".

Fuck that. In the OP's shoes I'd have a sneaking suspicion that he did it deliberately to put me in my place.

@FrancisCrawford I already quoted OPs post. No where does any of her posts state he initiated anything. It just simply states everyone was shaking hands and when she got to him she offered her hand and he declined.

@juells put her in her place how?
Its nothing to do with being superior to the OP.

Being rude can consist of all sorts of things.
I think it's rude when visitors turn up unexpectedly but some think it's endearing and nice.
Everyone has different expectations, especially when religious beliefs and culture are involved.

If in the UK the social norm was a peck on the cheek, would someone (man or woman) have the right to refuse?

I think the debate about protected characteristics coming into conflict with one another is very interesting, and particularly so where one of those characteristics is religion which is a taught belief system rather than innate difference.

In that spirit, a genuine question for those posters who think the OP is being unreasonable - would you say the same if this man had said to her, "sorry, I don't shake hands with black people" and this was genuinely part of his religious belief?

Is it different? If so, why so?

@Francis then why is refusing a handshake deemed so terrible? I'd be horrified if someone tried to kiss me as a greeting, especially if they were a man.

Also I didn't see that post from the OP, apologies.
He wasn't being deliberately rude or antagonistic though, he just refused a handshake based on his beliefs. It doesn't matter that she's a woman or if the roles were reversed, a man, he didn't ignore or stonewall her, he explained and then walked off.
We don't know what his body language was like either as we only have the post to go by.

I've been in meetings where there could be one or two men but majority were women, I'd shake the hands of the women without thinking then get to the males and think "oh shit how do I handle this", luckily a smile goes a long way and most of the times they laugh it off as they feel silly for extending their hands to me in the first place, seeing as I wear hijab. No harm has ever been done.

Deliberately instigating a process yiu know will exclude one person is not behaving in a professional manner, or with respect for your colleagues.

Absolutely. And the only colleague he disrespected happened to be the one with the vagina.

If he'd just not done the handshakes at all, that would have been fine.

@wmpagl but what religion doesn't allow shaking hands with a black person?
Not shaking hands with a woman is common in many religions, so it's not just a hypothetical thought.

Something similar happened to me apart from I was in a foreign country and so the guy couldn't explain about shaking hands as I didn't speak the language. He scooted his hand away and I sort of kept trying to grab it😂can't remember how it resolved, I think I ended up shaking hands with his elbow.

The guy in your situation probably could have handled it better, but there is about 1000 things a day that I wish I could have done better, especially in social situations.... Who knows maybe after, he felt awkward about how he handled it.

@MissPollyHadADolly19 - But you'd expect me to shake hands with a man if I wasn't comfortable with it, to you know, be "equal"?
To show "respect"?
No, I respect my own boundaries and I'll be damned if any social norm was to convince me otherwise.

Perfectly reasonable for you not to want to shake hands, or otherwise touch, a man. I fully support your right to adhere to your religious beliefs.

However, if you were in a meeting that was mixed-sex and you shook all the women's hands and refused to shake the single man's hand by simply saying "I don't shake men's hands", I would consider you rude and disrespectful.

If, however, you were in a mixed-sex meeting and you either shook nobody's hand or touched your heart and nodded your head or similar, then I would consider you to be polite. It's about manners and treating all with respect.