AIBU - What would you have done?

[TheQueensCorgi]

Name changed. Meeting at work (large company, very big on rights for all) and at the end we shook hands with others. I was the only woman in the room and when I got to a man (not white), I put out my hand and he said ‘Sorry I don’t shake hands with women’, and walked off.

I kind of stood there not really knowing what to do next, a few of the men who had overheard still in the room said he never shakes hands for religious reasons.

What would you have done? Would you brush this off? I felt like a second class citizen and quite embarrassed. Should I just be accepting of the fact this was his view or do I have the right to be annoyed ?

@Bandara but the difference there is that no one is being singled out, the problem in the OP's case is she is being singled out from the men in the meeting.

Bandara

there's a way to do thing. Beliefs and religion do not excuse rudeness.

@avalanching now I think of it, I am sure that the Spanish man said "in particular the ladies might be uncomfortable, if you do not wish to kiss me, shake my hand or just take the cert". Because he knew that he women would not want to kiss a strange man. It is the same thing

Do you think it would have been ok if there had been more women in the meeting?

If the company is big on rights for all then why are they allowing you to be discriminated against.

Surely if you can’t shake hands with a woman then you don’t shake hands with men as well to stop any sexism.

How does this work if you said you identified as a man. Or if a man identified as a woman.

I am a project management consultant (a very senior one). I get paid for my services and this occasionally means taking shit I would normally get annoyed about. I have developed a thick skin and as such this wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I'd have given the guy a big grin instead and said "no worries". I'd then make a note not to try and shake with this guy again and would stick to a big smile and polite nod. I'd probably also review my choice of clothing for face to face meetings with him and go trousers or long skirts and arm covering blouses. It is part of what we do to make sure we are the chosen partner for another firm - we make "nice". I would often be the most or one of the most senior people in the room from my company so he'd really be unable to avoid dealing with me.

I only once didn't make nice and that was with a guy being overtly unpleasant, rude and verbally attacking me. I reported him to my management who sent out a more Senior Director to help support me. In the longer term I left that project (with no mark to my record) to avoid further conflict.

Whether I agree with the guys religious views or not, not shaking his hand doesn't really impact me so I'd be happy not to do it.

Sinple human rights and respect that many on here could do with learning

That the man in the OP could do with learning. Why do you keep on defending him? What he did would offend any woman.

What he did would offend any woman.
Nope.

I don't think OP has specified that this rude prick was a Muslim, has she? Don't forget that there are some fundamentalist Christians who won't touch women, as well as some very orthodox Jews. So whining about Islamophobia is a bit of a red herring. The point remains: he needs to learn a way of managing his superstitious taboos in a way that doesn't involve insulting other people.
'Sorry, I don't shake hands' is acceptable because, while it's a little unusual not to shake hands, saying that makes it about the handshake refuser. 'I don't shake hands with women ' is making it clear that he is not just refusing to shake hands, he is demonstrating that he doesn't accept women as equal to men in a professional context.

I don't know any woman IRL that would be offended by this. And tbh I've never met a man who has been offended by me refusing their handshake either.
I'd much rather someone refuse to touch me than be forced into physical contact - no matter how small or insignificant in the eyes of others.

Sinple human rights and respect that many on here could do with learning

exactly the point.
You can follow your beliefs, customs and religion and still show respect to others. It's perfectly possible not to kiss, hug or shake hands with someone in a polite and respectful manner.

ReanimatedSGB

You're shovelling shit against the tide. Some posters are determined that women should never ever in any circumstances feel that they're entitled to be treated with respect.

It's not about having or refusing physical contact, it's how you present it. The man was rude, not for refusing to shake hands, but in the way he did it

@MissPollyHadADolly19 and I know many women who would have felt offended, I suppose it's reflective of our circles, but stop ignoring the point that nobody is saying he should touch who he doesn't want to touch, but that he shouldn't single her out. Would it be so problematic for him not to shake hands with anyone? Surely that is the compromise that respects two cultures?

(not white)

The colour of his skin is irrelevant.

If he doesn't shake hands, he doesn't shake hands, I really think you are overreacting

@AlansLeftMoob but he does shake hands, with men.

But he wasn't offering the handshake the OP was.
Maybe he's used to being asked first, or he's used to working in an all male environment or he just didn't know how to handle this situation correctly.
The man is 22, finding his feet in the workplace and learning how to navigate through without offending anyone (hard to do these days).
For example if a work place had a "bacon sarnie day" would he be forced to participate? Of course not, as vegetarians wouldn't either, would they be singled out as rude then? Would they have to give a speech on the how's and why's of not participating? No, they could politely refuse and let that be that.
But as soon as it comes down to making a woman feel bad about something that's it, it trumps every one else's rights and beliefs.

Not shaking hands with the opposite sex has nothing to do with sexism or misogyny it's just personal boundaries - some may feel happy about mixed sex toilets but alot of people don't, it doesn't means transgenders are seen as inferior, it's just what some are comfortable with and no one has to state their reasons.

And in Ramadan, does he expect everyone to fast because he is? I'm sure he doesn't and also doesn't expect people to not eat/drink/swear around him.
Infact, I bet unless told, half of his colleagues wouldn't even be aware of it at the time because no one makes a big deal out of it.

I work in investment banking. This is why you need to do your research beforehand on the other people who join in on a meeting. I would never offer my hand first to someone from the Middle East for example, and would wait for them to offer it first. Conversely if someone is from India I would offer my hand first because as an Indian woman, most Indian men wouldn’t presume I was okay with being touched.

@avalanching So what?! It works both ways, Muslim women aren't supposed to shake hands with men they're not married to or related to (many of them ignore that rule). If he's staying true to his own religious beliefs then why is the OP taking it as a personal attack? He just doesn't shake hands with women. It's not a sexism thing, it's a religious thing and surely he is entitled to practice his faith as he wishes. I would think that a company who "are very big on rights" (according to the OP) would not have an issue with this. I feel that a lot of this stuff could be avoided were we all to learn a little bit about different faiths in an effort to understand things like this. It took me ten seconds to Google and find out why some men don't shake hands with women. Perhaps the OP could do the same and she might not feel so hard done by.

Cath2907 why would you change your clothing choices for someone?

Genuine question. I don’t own a long sleeved top/shirt etc. I don’t wear them because they make me feel horrible. Like I am in chains.
Don’t even own a coat.

Are you saying that I would have to feel chained down each day just to go to work because someone of another religion expects me to adhere to their sensibilities

It's actually really boring how deliberately obtuse people are being. I don't believe you're this moronic to not understand it is discriminatory. Shake all hands, or no hands. Simple as that, I don't give a fuck what he believes, do not undermine a woman in the work place. The same goes for women to men of course. I guarantee behaviour like this will be reflected on shamefully in the future.

@AlansLeftMoob - many of us already said, the answer is that he should not shake hands with the men either. That way he isn't discriminating just against the one woman in the room, he is simply not shaking hands. When you work in mainly male environments it is always deeply irritating to come across sexism where someone treats you differently for being a female, stop making excuses for discriminatory behaviour.

I am English, I am travelling right now. In many countries that I go to , people say to me that they do not like the English because many of them are racist - think they are better than everyone else. Rather than get offended at this, I can see that this IS a bad way to act, and as a country we need to change. We are not better than anyone else. It is a stupid way of carrying on

exactly, that man is precisely all that is wrong in this country.