AIBU - What would you have done?

[TheQueensCorgi]

Name changed. Meeting at work (large company, very big on rights for all) and at the end we shook hands with others. I was the only woman in the room and when I got to a man (not white), I put out my hand and he said ‘Sorry I don’t shake hands with women’, and walked off.

I kind of stood there not really knowing what to do next, a few of the men who had overheard still in the room said he never shakes hands for religious reasons.

What would you have done? Would you brush this off? I felt like a second class citizen and quite embarrassed. Should I just be accepting of the fact this was his view or do I have the right to be annoyed ?

@Ilovemypantry It is our culture and custom in this country to do so and if you want to live and work here, you integrate into society, especially in the work place.

You voted leave didn't you?
We're a multi-cultural society. There's a very good chance the man is English so why shouldn't he live and work in England? Why do your feelings and customs trump his?

There's lots of different physical customs so the speak (handshake/kissing sort) so someone would have to adhere to them? It just sounds so bonkers not be made to touch someone.
And the reason I'm so ranty is because you'd never see any outrage over a Muslim or any woman refusing to shake a man's hand, people are insinuating that because it's a social norm it MUST be adhered to - Ive said it once and I'll say it again, no one has a right over what you do/don't do with your own body. Handshakes don't equal good manners. Please/thank yous, being helpful, showing respect for one another's wishes and smiling are a sign of good manners.
Never ever in my life would I tell someone they have to do something they don't feel comfortable with or make them feel bad for it - it's sick and belittling, we all hold moral values/beliefs and every single person has a right to stand by them.

Lol also @ilovemypantry whats with the assumption he's not from this country? You think because he's Muslim he's brown, foreign sounding name, beard and has an accent?
Give over, I'm as white as snow but guess what, when I became a Muslim I didn't magically transform into a foreigner!

And this is exactly why I get ranty.

I greet everyone with hand on my heart and a nod.

yeah, but that's being polite. All anyone wants is an acknowledgement of their person-hood.

You are definitely being very precious OP, and I think that it is you who needs to go on a course of respecting other cultures. I was in Indonesia last year, and I knew not to hug or touch the women or men, I knew they very much respected their personal boundaries. Also, I have been to France and Spain - where a double kiss is the norm, and people there have asked me would I like a kiss or not, because they knew it wouldnt be familiar or comfortable to me. I think that you are completely in the wrong, and you are a bit egotistical

I think that you are completely in the wrong, and you are a bit egotistical

The bottom line is that she appears to be senior to him in the company, and he's insulted her. You can be as self-righteous as you like, but people need to be polite. If you're not willing to shake hands then you need to do what other people in the same situation do, and have a graceful way of touching your heart or your forehead or give a little bow, anything rather than a rude dismissal of someone.

Bandara
you are the one who need to go on a course, the OP was not in a foreign country among foreigners for a start.
And "double kissing" is not the norm at all in France or Spain (you are missing the subtlety of the thing), and definitively not in a work or business environment

@SavingSpaces2019 let me copy and paste as you seemed to have missed it, arguments like this "And it's ludicrous how people are using "culture" as a reason to defend sexist behaviour, think of all the accepted cultural behaviour that was accepted decades ago- marital rape, racial segregation or how about FGM in other societies? Society progresses, we shouldn't hide behind cultural differences when it's discriminatory."

@avalanching and not shaking a man's or woman's hand equates to all of those terrible things?
Ironic really, when marital rape and FGM are forms of FORCED touching of another's body, mainly that of a woman's.
But God forbid someone doesnt want to touch a female, all hell breaks loose.

@FrancisCrawford because he probably forgot OP wouldn't of realised not to offer her hand and by that point it was too late. He had to quickly explain himself.
Not everyone knows how to handle these situations and it could of been worse, he could of totally ignored her and turned in the other direction but he didn't, he politely explained.

What physical custom was he forcing on her? His right not to touch?
Slippery slope there, I'm sure there's many men out there who would justify a slap on the arse a friendly gesture but we all know it's not!

He is being polite and respectful, just in a different way than you are used to. It's totally different to if he were doing that for no reason.

Why not learn a bit more about different religions rather than focusing on how it made you feel because you didn't understand it?

"I was the only woman in the room and when I got to a man (not white), I put out my hand"
He didn't initiate anything.
OP was the one offering the handshakes, he had the right to say no to her for any reason he wished, religious or not.

But God forbid someone doesnt want to touch a female, all hell breaks loose.

The convolutions people are going through to force women to accept that they don't merit politeness. Saying "Sorry I don't shake hands with women" is rude.

If you can't shake hands, indicate respect in some other way. Don't just dismiss someone with a perfunctory 'sorry'. Particularly, don't do it to someone who's your senior in a company.

@misspollyhadadolly19 no, I used extreme examples to demonstrate what has been defended as cultural in the past, the fact it is cultural is not a defence. I have absolutely no doubt in future years we will be looking at things like this and shaking our heads like we do with homophobia in the past. If he didn't want to shake hands with a woman, he shouldn't shake hands with anyone, it really is as simple as that. Women should not be made to feel different in the work place, it's discriminatory. Likewise he is free to practice his religion, but the middle ground here is to not shake hands, not treat her differently.

Also @FrancisCrawford you say exactly to the statement I made about his right not to touch.
If the roles were reversed and it was a woman who refused a man's hand and she was told she had to touch him, what would your response be?

1. There are several religions that do this.
2. In most cases, it is not meant as disrespect. Quite the opposite.
3. If a man can't treat women equally why does any company employ him ? Because it is not about equality or inequality. It is about religion and that would be discrimination.

I have come across people of a particular race who don't maintain eye contact during conversation as it is viewed as disrespectful. Luckily I don't believe my race and religion is the only right one and can be open minded to other peoples beliefs.

@EarlGreyOfTwinings I lived and worked in Spain for three years. Double kissing is very much the norm. You are missing the point.
I was a foreigner in Spain - they did not force their physical custom on me , they were sensitive to my needs because they knew it wasnt normal to me.
If he is a foreigner in England - he should not have english physical customs forced on here.
If he is from England, and has his own beliefs, customs - he has the right to refuse any physical custom he is not comfortable with

It is our culture and custom in this country to do so and if you want to live and work here, you integrate into society, especially in the work place
So many issues with this. Do we even know this man is an immigrant/visitor?
Even assuming he was a “foreigner”, if we go to other countries do we have to embrace all their customs? I’ve lived expat in the east and wouldn’t dream of changing my values to match each setting

In fact , I was at a conference in Spain and they were giving out certificates to the work group , made up of foreigners and Spaniards. Each spaniard that went up to collect their cert gave the man a double kiss on each cheek. The Spanish man giving out the certificates said " I know that people outside of Spain are not used to the double kiss, so let me know if you would like to kiss or shake my hand or just take the certificate when you come up."
Sinple human rights and respect that many on here could do with learning