Am I being Unreasonable with regards to my stepdaughter & her wife

[Waters1975]

Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just rude ! My stepdaughter who is 26 has just come to stay for the weekend with her wife. When they arrived they immediately went through our kitchen cupboards to see what food we had & to see if it was suitable for them . They then proceeded to say that they were going to the supermarket to get some things . They returned back with a couple of bags and were whispering in the hall way and swapping bits about . One went upstairs with a bag and the other cane to fridge & put in an apple juice & a bottle of cherry coke. A loaf of bread & a bag was left on the side. That evening we cooked them dinner and then one went to the fridge got 2 glasses out & poured themselves a coke each. After dinner ( no offer of help with the clearing up ). One went upstairs & came back down with a bag of sweets hidden in her pocket. They sat there secretly eating these sweets thinking we had not noticed. My husband & I have 3 children of our own who I have treats in the cupboard for so one of mine asked if they could have some as obviously felt like they were missing out. The next evening we were sitting there and the wife came out with a half eaten bag of Doritos with a peg on them to keep them fresh . She sat there eating some & then put the peg on and put them away again with no offer of any for us or the children . ( This was after we had been out in the day & treated them to lunch). They have stayed in our home all weekend , not paid a penny not offered with anything & then hidden food they have bought even though they have had breakfast , lunch & dinners here incl a meal out .I would never dream of requesting any money or accepting any if they have made the effort to come & see us but I find this behaviour very strange & basically rude ! Just wondered what anyone else thoughts are on this. My husband ( his daughter ) just says they are very odd & annoying but doesn’t say anything to them .

MsMaisel sweets aren't portions, they aren't a food eaten as a meal or to satisfy hunger, they're eaten for taste and you can eat one, you don't need a portion. Crisps aren't portions. It's not weird and gross to share things eaten singly - you shake one or two into someone's hand.

What's weird is accepting full board from someone but hiding food then bringing it out and eating it in front of them. It's a one way street - you buy food for me, cook for me, wash the pans and my plate, I'll rummage through your fridge and cupboards, but anything I've bought is just mine, and I'll eat it in front of you and your children without offering you any. Your stuff is mine, for sharing. You can shop, cook and clear up after me, but my stuff is mine - you can watch me eat it.

MsMaisel I would never buy a bag of sweets and sit in my living room eating them in front of my children without offering them one - would you?

The only possible way to understand your interpretation is that you do this too - you think everyone else's food is yours to share but your stuff is private, just for you.

Yes the DSD and her DW clearly are expecting to be waited on if they don’t clear up after dinner.

However if OP doesn’t expect her teens to help with clear up then not fair to expect DSD to do so.

MsMaisel ye gods will you read what you're writing?

I don't have step children, if my children acted like this I'd think there was something seriously wrong. I'd never have dreamed of acting like this in my own parents' house even when I was 17 and living there!

It's so egotistical!

MsMaisel how is a load of bread and a bottle of coke, juice and a loaf stocking up? 😂

That’s a horrible attitude towards stepchildren

Now we come to it, eh?

Also, the OP has repeatedly confirmed that she’s not expecting everybody in the family to bite pieces off the same slice of toast made by her stepdaughter. Why are you so wedded to this idea, when it’s already been refuted several times? To make the OP look bad?

MsMaisel why are you obsessed with portions and bites?

There are no portions and bites in this thread, except the ones in your head! It's all the kind of food normally shared.

There's clearly no reasoning with you, I've no idea what your personal agenda is except that you're defensive about your own "I'm alright Jack" habit of accepting food and catering from other people then keeping your own to yourself.

Agreed with PP. They’re not guests it’s your husbands kid, that seems like a fairly benign thing to do.

If I was having to stay at one of my parents for a week, i’d not think twice about taking some of my own food if I desperately wanted to eat it. I might share it, I might not. Someone would probably make a piss taking remark and I’d laugh about it, and it would all be fine.

I think it is odd to visit anyone and have 'secret' food that is then eaten in public view! I'd scoff it on my room so no one was the wiser.

I'd also offer to help with preparation/clearing up of meals if visiting family or friends that I knew well. I think that's odd too.

MsMaisel i agree with you completely, this thread is absolutely bonkers. I am 26 and if i ever go home to my parents and nip to the shop for some crips or choclate i don't share with everyone else in the house. ffs i would end up with nowt left. And my mum and dad and siblings would have NO issue with it whatsoever. How odd.

MsMaisel my kids do automatically share, yes. I have never told them to, they just do. They're pre teens and teens, eldest has an allowance. DH wouldn't eat in front of us any more than I would without offering things around either. In both cases with people physically in the room.

At work colleagues behave the same way if it's sweets or crisps rather than something that actually does involve portions and bites, like a sandwich (were a small team, sometimes only a couple of us in).

I don't think I've ever been in a domestic situation where one person has walked into a communal room with a bag of sweets, opened them and eaten them by themselves. It's so incredibly antisocial and egotistical, especially where food sharing is all going one way, towards adults who nevertheless have funds, the ability to get to shops, and the inclination to go out and buy snack food and sweet fizzy drink they keep just for them and never offer around at all.

The attitude is staggering.

My nearly three year old would have offered to share...it's fairly basic manners to offer some to whomever your sat with or to wait and eat it privately.

&Roz, you go to your parent’s home and put a bottle of coke in it and only a glass for yourself and not any to your mum and dad? And you don’t see how tight that is? It’s more than right, it’s indicative of a deep seated problem.

*tight not right

MsMaisel of course there are other people catering - the OP has bought, cooked and cleaned up 3 meals per day for them!

Clearly you're projecting.

I'm off to serve dinner, no point continuing to engage with someone who clearly isn't actually talking about the thread!

I would have found it rude and wouldn’t like anyone going through the cupboards like that. Just because it’s her dad’s house (and yours) doesn’t mean she should have no manners. As PP said if you’d all not offered them anything then you’d be said to be rude. They are not children.

and especially if there are children around if be mindful of not eating crisps and sweets in front of them if they couldn’t have any

I feel that these girls can’t possibly win. If they’ve turned up with seven peoples worth of pop and crisps and sweets you’d have been making a post saying that they were suggesting your were poor, or that they’re terribly unhealthy and a bad influence on your other precious DC’s.

I think the only outcome you’ve had been happy with was that they literally didn’t eat a single thing outside of what you’d decided they could have, and then offered you the money for it and cleaned the entire house too.

There’s those weird families where every is uptight and has a massive stick up their arse, tolerates infrequent visits to see each other. And then there’s actually proper families where everyone does what they want, nobody resents each other and they all rub along just fine eating sweets, not eating sweets, sharing, not sharing, etc.

MsMaisel tbf you said the DSD stocked up the fridge when she didn’t though.