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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 30/06/2019 08:48

Tallgreenbottle Well exactly. You had your own house at that age! So your scenario is completely different. You do what you want in your own house. But when at 20 you choose to continue to live with your parents then having a little courtesy is essential.
OP only asked for a text, had she had the text she could have stopped worrying and gone to sleep.
Her daughter suffered a sexual assault ffs, are you deliberately ignoring that fact?
Of course a 20 year old should be able to come and go as they please... in their own house. If they choose to live with their parents still then they must follow a few basic house rules.

crispysausagerolls · 30/06/2019 08:49

OP she is 20. Get a frigging grip. You either accept she lives in your house and as an adult can come and go as she sees fit or, she leaves.

No. She either accepts that she lives in the house as a respectful adult who lets her mother know she is ok, or she finds somewhere else to live (at her own expense).

insancerre · 30/06/2019 08:50

I’m willing to bet @Tallgreenbottle doesn’t have a 20 year daughter

foreverhanging · 30/06/2019 08:50

I would have reacted exactly like you op. I would take a break today before discussing.

ComeAndDance · 30/06/2019 08:51

@Tallgreenbottle so you wouod wait 24 hours.

can I ask what do you think are the dd reasons for staying in that house with such a controlling mother when she is an adult? why hasnt she moved out from that awful environent where she is treted like a baby? I mean she is clearly unhappy with the rule as she has not told her parents she woudnt be back home 4 times now. So why staying??

As a guess, I imagine its because she quite enjoys being treated 'like a child' aka have her meals cooked, a house, no need to work for a living etc....
The reality is that you cant have it both ways. You cant decide to not follow house rules AND expect to be housed/fed etc.... Its the ONE thing the dd is asked to do. Thats not a lot.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 08:51

OP I totally understand why she didn't text. On a night out when you are young and enjoying yourself, it is easy to forget to text. Then when you remember it is too late and you know you are going to get shouted at, so in your semi drunken state you ignore the issue.
I suspect if you tried to take all the emotion out of this, she would be happier to text when she remembers.

DoingTheBestICan · 30/06/2019 08:53

Tallgreenbottle

That is not mututal respect @DoingTheBestICan that is OP dictating what her DD has to do.

Mutual means both, so surely that means 1 text to her parents to let them know she is ok is not a widely disrespectful belief?

TapasForTwo · 30/06/2019 08:54

Tallgreenbottle please take your spectacularly unhelpful, nasty comments elsewhere. I was completely independent at 20, but I'm not smug about it Hmm.

You seem to be completely missing the point that as the daughter is still living at home with her parents then she owes them the common courtesy of letting them know if she is coming home or staying out. Did you not read about the previous assault the daughter has suffered?

strawberrisc · 30/06/2019 08:54

It doesn't matter whether this is your daughter, your partner or your best friend. If someone you live with (or maybe even don't) says they're on their way home at 9.30pm and then go off the radar you'd be in the vast minority not to worry.

rose789 · 30/06/2019 08:55

You must be absolutely exhausted, especially after an entire night of worrying and running through worst case scenarios in your head. I hope you have a chance to rest today now you know she’s safe.

It’s normal common decency to message when you are not coming home. Regardless of who I have lived with family, flat mates, dp I would never think of not messaging if I was staying out, or if I was going to be much later then expected. That’s not a house rule that’s just what people do so people they love don’t have to worry.

I would be so tempted to lie to her and tell her that you did call the police and report her missing and they have been searching the few miles she would have cycled from the train station to yours all night.
If she can message blithely she’s off to breakfast when she can see that you’ve been ringing her all night, she can see you’ve been awake all night and she can see that you will be frantic with worry then frankly she’s an arsehole and deserves a sharp shock.

Brew Flowers for you op

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 08:55

And OP relating this all to her previous assault is I suspect not helping at all. Because you are making it about your reaction i.e. anxiety to her being assaulted.

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/06/2019 08:55

Are some of the people on this thread not aware of how dangerous it can actually be to be a young women out late at night?

Very aware. However, what exactly does phoning home just to check in do to mitigate that risk? Absolutely nothing is the answer. Look at OP's specific situation in this case. What exactly did she do that might have made the slightest difference if her daughter had actually been in serious danger? Nothing! What could she have done? After the fact, nothing, especially as she had no idea where her daughter was or who she was with. I have some limited sympathy for her as I appreciate that she was worried but actually the focus of her posts, especially prior to dd finally checking in, were about anger at her house rule being disrespected.

If she really feels that her adult daughter still needs looking out for then perhaps she should look at solutions that might actually add value. Instead, she's been up all night with the rage and is now looking at kicking her daughter out of the family home all for the sake of a rule that would make fuck all difference in a real crisis.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 08:57

@toogoodtobetrue I totally agree.

thegreylady · 30/06/2019 08:57

YANBU at all. Even as adults I expected my dc to let us know if they are not coming home if they are staying here. They knew how much I worried. Even when they married, if they came here for a holiday and stayed over with friends I expected to be told.
They have dc of their own now and have the same rule for the oldest in university holidays.
Those of you who are berating OP can’t know the sick terror of time passing and having no idea if they are ok. My dc/sdc are all in their 40s now and I have never, had to worry needlessly. I have had phone calls because a taxi hasn’t turned up, because a train has been missed or because a friend has been ill. I have never been left to worry all night and would have reacted just as you are.

TitianaTitsling · 30/06/2019 08:57

tallgreen I've honestly thought your previous posts where goady and just passing the time winding someone who is in distress up for fun, but this *
What can you do if anything was to happen again? Absolutely nothing. So why is being a stresshead about it your 'go to'? You're just making your daughter hate you and probably making her doubt her own independence* is just absolutely shitty.

BrokenWing · 30/06/2019 08:58

I did the same to my parents at that age. Plans would change and we didn't have this constant contact via mobile phones back then.

It is all very well saying even you tell your dh if you are out, but as an adult that is your decision, you are dictating to her she must do the same when she obviously doesn't agree.

I know it's a huge worry, but that's your problem not hers. She is an adult, she is leaving for uni in just a few weeks and you wont know where she is at all, she is trying to be independent/free to do what she wants albeit clumsily, not ideal, but do you really want to throw her out or over something like this?

BBBear · 30/06/2019 08:58

I’ve looked at your other threads OP and it looks like you’re having an incredibly hard time at the moment Flowers

Are you doing anything for yourself at the moment? Something that you can focus on that does not involve the family problems?

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:00

@thegreylady And if they hadn't texted would you have shouted at them and went on about their previous sexual assault?
Yes she should text OP, but I do understand why she didn't.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 09:00

“Would you have been happy to get a text saying something along then lines of "staying in a hotel room with Dave - won't be home until morning" - honestly?

I dont ask what she does I just ask she lets me know if she is not coming home. That is all. I dont pry into her business.

And OP relating this all to her previous assault is I suspect not helping at all. Because you are making it about your reaction i.e. anxiety to her being assaulted

I am not sure why you think I am relating ALL of this to her assault. I have questioned whether that is making me more sensitive to things which I why I mentioned it in the first place, absolutely but I am certainly not hanging this off what happened to her.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 30/06/2019 09:01

Is the girl choosing to stay at home though? Or is she just forced into it because she has a part time job and is still in education?
Anyhoo, if this has happened 4 times previously I am not sure why this one is any difference. Also, when the op did get fonts t from her daughter she immediately responded with the "move out" before actually finding out why the girl hasn't messaged.
I just think flying off the handle will do more damage than good.

avalanching · 30/06/2019 09:01

YANBU, it's natural for parents to worry, it's not fair to leave you worrying, a small text just to say she's safe and staying out is not too much to ask.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:01

I also find the idea OP that you would throw her out over this with just a few weeks before she goes to uni, pretty incredible. I do think that action would just be about your anger rather than what is best for your DD.

Whisky2014 · 30/06/2019 09:02

She should just say she won't be home and then if she does come back, it's no problem.
But op could also just expect her not to be home anyway 🤷‍♀️

qazxc · 30/06/2019 09:03

YANBU, When I was house sharing I would let my housemates know that I was out for the night.
You're nor trying to police her or control her, you just want a text that would take less than 30 seconds to type and send. That seems totally normal to me.
Sadly i can see this situation happening again so maybe it is time for her to move out.

Baritriwsahys · 30/06/2019 09:03

Tbh it just looks like you were after an excuse to tell her to leave. You were angry with zero concern for her actual safety throughout. When she did get in touch you told he to reconsider her living arrangements.

If I was in that same situation last night I would have been worried not angry. Anger may have come at the point when she got in touch and I realised she had just not bothered letting me know. Even that wouldn't have been when I got the text in the morning, I would want to speak to her to find out where she was and if anything had happened to prevent her texting first.