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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:

EAIOU · 30/06/2019 08:32

It's not just the not checking in. Could be a security issue as well- a key levy somewhere in a safe place.

I can assure you, I had to check in up until I moved out at 22. Respect, consideration and forethought.

Given the context of OPs natural concern(prior sexual assault), she has every right to worry and be upset. Noone has any right to tell her how to feel.

Glad shes home safe. I'd definitely be getting her told. It takes 1 minute to send a text. How inconsiderate must you be to not be arsed to do that?

ComeAndDance · 30/06/2019 08:32

xpost Tall interesting because I believe that the exact opposite.

If it was partenr, this wouod be a deal breaker for me.
If it was a adult child, then I can undersand the OP's reaction. After all, her dd s an adult so she can decide what to do incl that having parents who ask to 'check in' is too cntrolling and to move out of the house and have her new life.
As it stands out, she doesnt, preferring the confort of the home life.
I alos notice that your answer is not to tell the dd to move out an dlive er life but for the OP to change that awful rule for ensuring her parents are sick with worry. Why is that???

notsohippychick · 30/06/2019 08:33

Some of the comments on here are so odd. Since when has expecting a ONE TEXT from your 20 year old child, to say she’s staying out, become controlling.

Jesus, if that’s controlling then so be it. In my world we call it manners, courtesy, respecting others feelings and wishes.

Some people in here are just inflammatory and goady on purpose as I’m sure in reality no-one can be this ridiculous

needmorespace · 30/06/2019 08:33

Frankly tallgreenbottle it is you that is bizarre. Are you seriously saying that if your young adult dependent went out and told you that they wouldn't be late home you would not be worried?
At what point would you worry? 24 hours, a week?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 30/06/2019 08:35

I agree with tallgreenbottle, shes been an adult since 18, shes 20 now and will be going away to university in September living in dorms and a new city coming and going as she pleases.

PirateOfPenzance · 30/06/2019 08:36

How old are your kids tallgreen?

I'd find it very hard for anyone with an over 17 who is still living at home and dependent to think they can just go out and not come back and you would have no idea where they are or when they are coming home!

Flamingnora123 · 30/06/2019 08:37

I just want to say that I completely agree with you OP. You're simply saying you want a text to let you know she's alive. You're not after any sordid details or to give permission. You're a very worried mum and your daughter knows you'll be up all night worrying, it's so disrespectful and thoughtless of her. I remember doing the same to my mum once, as a 20 year old you just think your mum needs to not worry about you, but obviously that's not how it works!!

I now have a daughter and would be the same as you. Anyone saying you're being unreasonable is either bat shit or deliberately baiting you. I'm glad she's safe and you have every right to give her a major bollocking for being so thoughtless, just as you would your husband if he'd done the same.

Nanna50 · 30/06/2019 08:37

It is basic curtesy, if someone wants to be treat like an adult they have to behave like one and it’s your house so your rules I don’t give a fudge for what other parents think.

All of my children had to let me know, just a simple text, we even went so far as to have a code so we knew that it was the DCs and they were safe. To the point where one of them borrowed someone’s phone to send the text when his phone died.

There were other house rules too they either accepted them or moved out. I’m relieved for you that she is ok but if she’s old enough to be an adult she is old enough to respect you.

Send her to your mothers and let her ponder on how selfish she has been, and who is going to support her through Uni. I would be furious if I was you and would not be softening one bit no matter how wide a berth she gave me.

notsohippychick · 30/06/2019 08:37

tallgreenbottle

Oh do give over.

At what point would you start to worry? A day, a week? Where do you draw the line between being all liberal and cool, and being a responsible person and ensuring your loved ones are safe?

Original poster

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 08:38

You want to chuck her out because she didn’t text you

No. I have asked her to consider if she wants to remain living in a house where she clearly has zero respect for a basic request to let us know if she is staying out all night which she has repeatedly ignored. Perhaps my pesky rule is just too much for her to cope with but there you go.....We live and learn....thank you for your input.

@Tallgreenbottle Thank you for your input. I will assume you are perfectly happy for members of your family [assuming you have a DP/older kids] to repeatedly do the same. I guess we just have different expectations.

OP posts:

FreshAprilStart · 30/06/2019 08:39

Yes Tallgreen, do enlighten us with your current parental experience of how old your children are?

Or is that a weird request?

Only a ten year old says things like 'how weird'

candycane222 · 30/06/2019 08:39

In this situation op now you have made your anger clear, i would be wanting to have a calmer conversation with my dd and try to find out why she didn't let you know. Assming she is otherwise a reasonable person, maybe there is something she hasn't been able to communicate? Maybe she feels guilty and annoyed (two sides of same coin often ime) about your distress relating to the assault. Being the source, even if obvs not the cause, of somone else's pain is quite hard to deal with. Perhaps she needs help to know it is entirely normal for families to keep each other informed, and isn't all still part of "Mum's upset".

PirateOfPenzance · 30/06/2019 08:41

ineedhelp I would worry that this is some sort of hangover from the assault. Some people cope by being over cautious and I just wonder if she's gone the other way :(. I would see if you can't gently find out as I do think it's unusual for someone to behave this way as it's not that hard to keep in touch.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 30/06/2019 08:41

I think it is jaw-dropping to think she would put you through a night of sheer worry and panic.
Particularly more so when she has been sexually assaulted on a night out before.
It's unbelievable and I can really understand your anger and frustration with her.

Totopoly · 30/06/2019 08:41

I'm glad your DD is ok, OP. I don't know why anyone thinks you're trying to control her or dictate to her. If you live with someone, it's common courtesy to let them know if you're staying out overnight. You'd surely even do the same in a shared student house? I was at university pre-mobile phones, and we always found a way (landline/phone box etc, or human messenger) to let another friend know if something happened that meant we weren't coming home. Because we knew our friends would worry if we just didn't appear. I'm another one who has to text when I get home from visiting my parents, and I'm 48, btw. They do the same with me, and they're 70.

Tallgreenbottle · 30/06/2019 08:43

Probably 24rs @needmorespace ...

What's bizarre is treating a 20yr old woman like a 15yr old child.

A 20yr old is not a 'young adult'. A young adult is a 17/18yr old.

I'm 33 and had my own house and a mortgage at 20, was working two jobs over 7 days and spending every weekend night having fun out on the piss with friends. 20yr olds are not teenagers. If my mother had expected me to text by 2am on a night out at that age I would've willingly laughed myself out of the front door.

Stop treating your grown children like babies ffs.

Also OP it's sad what happened to your daughter, but your own anxiety about it is not reason enough to treat your daughter like teenager. If she feels comfortable enough going out then leave her to it. It is nothing to do with you.

What can you do if anything was to happen again? Absolutely nothing. So why is being a stresshead about it your 'go to'? You're just making your daughter hate you and probably making her doubt her own independence.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 30/06/2019 08:44

Before you explode at her, find out what she has to say. You don't want to shut down conversation if something happened to her last night.

user1474894224 · 30/06/2019 08:45

Wow....you sound like an amazing mum who absolutely has mastered the right balance between caring and letting her fly the nest. One text to say I'm staying out is not unreasonable. In fact this is probably the arrangement my partner and I have and we are both adults .....(not that we do it much, and it would be more likely me to send that if I had the chance to stay out late). It's only courtesy that you are asking for - you don't want to have to give permission. and in the context that something did happen before then I can understand you needing this to relax. She should be mature enough to understand that. Of course once she's at Uni she doesn't need to check in..... because that's part of growing up and flying away. But in the holidays 'your house, your rules'. Maybe there is another adult who can talk with her who may get through more than you? A trusted aunt? An older cousin? Rather than you and her just going logger heads over this. Good luck and glad she's safe.

Original poster

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 08:46

@candycane222 Yes I agree. I feel calmer now that I have had a sit outside in the garden and a cup of tea. You make a few valid points in your post. We have had numerous chats about personal safety etc and she understands where I am coming from. I also understand that when she is away I obviously wont know if she is out all night and I accept that.

OP posts:

OhYouBadBadKitten · 30/06/2019 08:46

Candy cane gives good advice. You need to know why this is happening for the behaviour to change.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 30/06/2019 08:46

You must be absolutely knackered!

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 08:48

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EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/06/2019 08:48

I appreciate you're worried and hopefully it will all turn out to be ok.

My ds is 20, currently home from uni. It's never occurred to me to ask him to let me know if he's not coming home. If I get up.in the morning and he's still not home I just assume he's stayed the night with a mate. Maybe I'm too laid back but it means I don't stress about it. I just take the view that I have no idea what he's doing when hes at uni.

However, if you have house rules saying she needs to text you then she needs to stick to them.

TapasForTwo · 30/06/2019 08:48

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notsohippychick · 30/06/2019 08:48

But she still lives with her parents!!!!!! That’s the difference tallgreen!!!!

When she lives in her own she can come and go as she pleases. When you live in someone else’s house isn’t it courtesy to just drop a text to let the people you love know you are safe?

It’s not rocket science, it’s not a matter of stifling ones independence, it a matter of respect! It’s as simple as that!

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