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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 30/06/2019 08:17

Firstly, I am so glad that she's safe but I'd be bloody fuming too at her total disrespect towards you!
I think it's irrelevant whether she's 20 or 50, it's common courtesy to let the people who you live with know if you're not going to be coming home!!! Especially considering what happened to her before.
She's been extremely selfish but try to calm down before you make any rash decisions.

FreshAprilStart · 30/06/2019 08:19

This reply has been deleted

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BoudiccaKate · 30/06/2019 08:19

She didn't text because she's thoughtless and selfish and then it got so late she didn't dare text because she knew she should've texted before and now she's gone for the breezy 'what's the issue?' text. I've done it myself and it's shitty behaviour.

She's leaving in September and is it worth putting your mother through the worry?

Instead I think you should act as though you no longer care if she's safe. She goes out, fine, don't bother mentioning texting you. You can tell her that there's no point, as you cant trust that if she doesn't, it means she's in trouble.

Let her stew on that for a bit.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 08:19

@Tallgreenbottle
Thank you. A post full of empathy. Again, given the circumstances around what has happened to her when on a night out you could maybe forgive my somewhat 'bizarre' tendencies. But I will indeed try to find that 'grip'

OP posts:
PirateOfPenzance · 30/06/2019 08:21

I have dcs this age and it is common courtesy. You won't know when they aren't living with you but when they are under your roof, you have to expect some sort of communication. Your house, your rules.

I have exactly the same rules with mine - they have to let me know if they aren't coming home.

Do you think her behaviour is a backlash from the attack?

adaline · 30/06/2019 08:22

Would you have been happy to get a text saying something along then lines of "staying in a hotel room with Dave - won't be home until morning" - honestly?

Maybe she knew you knew she had nowhere to go (as in, no vague plans to stay with a friend or anything) and thought it would be easier to just stay out and deal with any fallout in the morning?

I'm not necessarily excusing her behaviour but I think that's how I would have behaved at 20 if I knew my mum would have been less than impressed with my plans to spend the night with a boy!

Ellapaella · 30/06/2019 08:23

@Ineedhelptocope I am so glad she's ok. I've been reading through the thread feeling so anxious and scared on your behalf.. every parents worst nightmare. I can totally understand why you are angry - you have spent the entire night worrying and not having a wink of sleep. I'd have been exactly the same as you in this situation.

Wintersunday2019 · 30/06/2019 08:23

I lived with my mum for a bit as an adult (a lot older than your DD) and I would always have let her know if I wasn't coming home. It takes literally a few seconds and is a basic common curtesy. You don't stop worrying or caring just because someone’s over 18 ffs.

k1233 · 30/06/2019 08:23

I'm way older than that and when my parents or I visit each other the person who's driven does a quick call to let the other know they've arrived home safe. It is a fair distance (3hrs or so) and rural, so lots of possibilities for animal or other accidents. It's really just courtesy.

I think she should have just sent a quick text last night that she wouldn't be home. Not hard. "Staying at friends, be home in morning". That's all OP wants. It's not policing daughter at all, just checking some drunk hasn't wiped her off her bike somewhere between the train and home / some other accident.

AuntieMarys · 30/06/2019 08:24

I'm with you OP.
She was rude and thoughtless.

EnglishRose13 · 30/06/2019 08:24

This was always the rule at my mums house and I always managed it. The only time my brother didn't was when he ended up in a hospital bed.

You're right to be angry. You're not over reacting. But, wait until you've calmed down to talk to her so you don't say anything you don't mean.

CallItLoneliness · 30/06/2019 08:25

You know, I have kids of my own and I still keep my Mum posted where I am and what I'm doing while I'm staying with her. It's common courtesy--the three things my mum worries about are 1) have I arrived safely whereever I am going next, 2) do I need a meal when I get in, and 3) am I sleeping at their place (we have friends, inlaws etc which is why we may be elsewhere). My mum is kind enough to still want me to stay with her, and I respect that by not causing her additional worry while I am in her house! I had exactly this argument with my cousin before either of us had kids, he should he should be unanswerable to his mother, and I pointed out that he was when he wasn't in her house, but that if he was staying with her then he needed to be courteous enough to make sure she wasn't worried about him.

I think framing it as courtesy, rather than control, makes it a very different question. OP, what I see you asking for is courtesy.

candycane222 · 30/06/2019 08:25

My kids are ~20 too. They live at home in vacations. They organise their own lives, but always let us know when they are going to stay out. They don't think we are controlling (i know this because of conversations we have had about parenting in general). They think we are loving, and they love us back and want to be considerate.

I say this not to suggest we are the waltons, but merely to disagree profoundly with posters who don't think their children need to be considerate towards their parents. If OP was in the habit of cross-examining her daughter about every tiny aspect of her life, perhaps. But it is really very clear that's mot the case ( or she'd be on top of the dds shifts for one thing)

El0die · 30/06/2019 08:26

It's very worrying when this happens. You give them choice and freedom but just need the tiniest consideration in return.
My DS would do this - phone ran out of charge usually.. no power pack.... Then he didn't know my number in order to text from a friend's phone or call from landline in someone's house. I made him memorise my number- and I made sure I write my kids' and important contacts' numbers down on a piece of paper to keep in my purse.

madeyemoodysmum · 30/06/2019 08:27

A acquaintance of mine was murdered on a night out. She was early 20’s.

If anyone in my home didn’t coins home I’d worry too no matter the age.

You are not wrong here op.

But wait till you see here in person now to chNallenge it. But I’d lay down the cards calmly and she can make her choice.

notsohippychick · 30/06/2019 08:27

Firstly I’m so glad she is ok. I don’t know earlier the circumstances you mentioned but it sounds horrific. You are not bizarre in the slightest or controlling. I think if it would be more bizarre I’d you hadn’t set this rule!!

It doesn’t take long to type out a text. In the light of what has happened previously, it’s not much to ask of her!! All the worry and anger could have been eased with one text.

I’m not surprised you are angry! Try and rest, you need your strength for when she comes home x

diddl · 30/06/2019 08:27

I also expect this from my kids-are they coming home & approx what time.

In fact my husband & I also tell each other.

Why wouldn't you?

I always thought it was courtesy not controlling.

HabboHabbo · 30/06/2019 08:28

Are some of the people on this thread not aware of how dangerous it can actually be to be a young women out late at night?

I'm 24 and still text my mum or my partner when I'll be home after a night out. I will always let them know if plans change and I'm not home. If I'm ever drunk and walking or getting public transport on my own I share my location with them on Facebook so they can see where I am, in case god forbid anything did happen.

It's not being alarmist, or controlling. Your family are the closest people in your life. Of course they want to know your safe. I can't get over some of the responses on here!

Tallgreenbottle · 30/06/2019 08:28

That is not mututal respect @DoingTheBestICan that is OP dictating what her DD has to do.

Mutual respect is accepting she is 20... well above adult age, and is capable of making her own decisions and basically keeping your beak out of her private business. Including the times she is coming/going from a night out.

If she doesnt want to text, if she doesnt feel the need to, if she forgets, if shes pissed and falls asleep, if her phone dies, whatever, it doesn't matter. She has autonomy and it is her choice.

How weird you think a 20yr old needs to 'check in' Confused

ComeAndDance · 30/06/2019 08:29

Yep I agree.
As an adult, eve when visittng, I woud let my parents know if I was beeing late (let alone not coming back for the night). Im 50yo and I would see that as common courtesy, nt my parents being controlling.

I have to say, I sometimes wonder what spt of life people are living where telling the people you are living with (be t your parent or your partner) you're not coming back home is normal. I would be beside myself if something like this happened. I would also feel that respect has gone out f the window.

Apileofballyhoo · 30/06/2019 08:29

I'm glad she's ok and I don't think you were wrong to worry and be angry.

BullBullBull · 30/06/2019 08:30

I also think you’re overreacting. She’s 20. You want to chuck her out because she didn’t text you. Wow.

ThanosSavedMe · 30/06/2019 08:30

Yanbu. You were understandably worried sick last night, I’d be angry right now (as well as massively relieved) if I were you.

howwudufeel · 30/06/2019 08:31

I live a distance away from my parents’ house and they still insist I give them ‘three rings’ when I have arrived home after visiting them Grin

LizziesTwin · 30/06/2019 08:32

Sending you hugs and a virtual breakfast (which will tidy itself up). Have advance searched you & can understand completely where you are coming from. I wish I could do more.