To feel upset by my teens friends mum dropping off food

[Pearlofthesea]

My teen DS (15) often has his gf over straight from school and although I’ll cook them both a main meal in the evening they complain they’re hungry and need ‘snacks’. I say no, wait until your dinner later (admittedly there’s not a great deal of snack type food in the house but there’s fruit).

It turns out the gf’s mum has been dropping off food bags to ‘tied them over’ until I get around to cooking in the evening. I’m not aware until recently as they sneak out the back to meet the mum in her car.

The bag contains sandwiches, crisps, fruit juice cartons, baby bels, cheese strings, pepperami sausages, grapes, strawberries etc, in my opinion really over the top!

AIBU to be upset and pissed off? This happens at least twice a week. My DS looks at me as if I should be grateful as he says gf’s mum is ‘helping out’ ?!

Perhaps your ds is a desirable influence , and provided that they are still socialising with other friends as well I wouldn’t be overly concerned .

Well done OP. It sounds to me like you've done so well handling this.

Yes they will still be eating that in their 20s! Probably beyond...

l'm so glad you've been able to 'talk' with the other mum, OP, you sound so much more positive now!
l think sometimes when you're in a situation, it's difficult to see the wood for the trees, and it's really nice you've got a better view of the situation now.
You're doing an amazing job, parenting teens is not easy! (And l'm only a stepmum!) x

My 16 and 15yo eat all that kids food too if they got the choice to! It’s like a last regression to being 5 again before they are adults IMO!

Good outcome OP. They sound within the range of normal for teenagers in every respect. Both you and the other mum are providing nice stable settings for them. Good work x

Sounds like that conversation has really helped you both.

Teens is such a difficult stage.

I've been somewhat lucky with dd in that not had to deal with anything too extreme or at least not often though she has definitely had her moments.

The boy she is obsessed with is a concern as it is very "on off" and he gets very jealous, and her best friend (who I'm generally very fond of) has been acting a bit twatty lately too (her mum dealing with a lot as she's a big family and she currently has 3 late teens to deal with!)

Nothing extreme, just the usual thoughtlessness and moodiness (especially if hormonal) but wow yes it's hard work!

Upshot is other mum said let them get on with it as if she puts her foot down gf will run away, or self harm
Right.....so she's telling you how to parent your own son?
She's passing her responsibility towards her DD onto you/your son.

Given the info you've just received about what DD is really like, i would be a lot more wary and concerned about how enmeshed your son is with her.
For all you know she is really pulling the strings in the 'relationship', emotionally manipulating him, kicking off if he tries to assert boundaries etc.

Her mother needs to step up and parent her child - not happily palm her off on you whilst enabling her CF behaviour and then give you a rehearsed, superficial spiel to placate you.

I’m 29 and love babybels and pepperami 🤷🏻‍♀️ They are great grab and go snacks if you are eating low carb.

Not sure I like the 'let them get on with or she will run away' comment. To me that says, even if you are concerned you must not do anything.

I am aware you have been having a difficult time with your son lately. While the relationship may help them, having 2 teenagers with problems together so much may be a recipe for disaster.

So I would suggest you keep an eye out.

I wouldn't take it personal.
If they're eating at your house always, I'd feel like a guilty free loader if I was GF's mother.
They're very lucky with 2 DMs caring for them.

I don’t think she was implying how I should parent my son, I think she was maybe at the end of her tether and not sure what to do next.

I don’t know what it’s like to deal with a teen who self harms, maybe she is being manipulative and using this to get her own way at home. Maybe her parents are scared of what she will do next? I don’t envy their situation.

My son is no angel but I believe they will be just as bad/ naughty with or without each other. My general feeling is they have a calming influence on each other, they clearly very much enjoy each other’s company- always laughing and chatting, that’s got to be a good thing.

I think flexibility is important, keeping simple boundaries, letting teens make their own mistakes where possible, and keeping lines of communication open.

I’m very aware parenting teens is very different to young children- quite often I cheer myself by imagining my sons response if I told him I was going to put him on the naughty chair, or he’d have no sweets unless he ate his broccoli!

I will keep my eye out, but I can only do that if lines of communication are open, so we all need to try and get along with the least amount of drama as possible.

@Pearlofthesea I'm sure you are lovely too. It's not about money it's about being friendly and meeting the people that your son spends time with.
I always have my son gf round quite often they rarely have him and it used to upset me because I do a lot more but I don't think about it anymore.
Try not to compare yourself because we can all come short sometimes. I meet the Mum of my son's best friend and she is super young and gorgeous.
Compared to her I'm an old frump but we get on really well.

Feel for you op.

I think you’ve realised 9pm is far Far too late to be eating.

I think the gfs mum is being kind - I can understand why you feel the way you do but tbh they kind of need that food if they aren’t eating until 9pm.

Things need to turn around I think you know that.
Maybe go to a doctor, I don’t think you are feeling yourself and maybe you could get some help.

See, it might look like someone has their shit together but you don’t know what others are going through. Concentrate on your own life.

I came on to say what ravingstarfish has already said. Everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with.

That's a great update sounds like something positive has come of it.

We now have tea at 4pm as teens are so hungry. I'd rather give them a big dinner at 4 and then they snack after that if hungry.
I'd be grateful for the contribution to food costs but also maybe teach the teens to make themselves dinner!!

As someone who unwittingly has to host all of my 3 kids friends as their mum's don't like having children in their houses (neither do I but that shit comes with being a parent) I'd be glad of contributions to all the snacking. The school holidays are upon us and I've told my kids straight, no offering snacks to their mates at all this year. A whole multipack of crisps can disappear in a single day and the holidays are 7 bloody weeks long. Drinks should be kept to water or squash. Leave the fruit juices and better drinks to those who are paying for them!

However, meeting at the back door and sneaking snacks in is disrespectful to you and deceitful and I would be pissed off at that. Do the my actually eat the meals you prepare or do they leave any due to the over indulgence of snack foods? If that was the case then GF can get her butt home for her own dinner to waste.

I think she was maybe at the end of her tether and not sure what to do next
Don't do anything.
If GF is kind pleasant and happy with DS, you've no idea of the back story with her DM, how there relationship is.
I was a terrible teenager but similar issues.
But I am a great partner, DIL, Mother, if there are obvious issues with them as a couple, step in, otherwise leave them be.

As someone who unwittingly has to host all of my 3 kids friends as their mum's don't like having children in their houses
Just say no! Limit the amount of times they're allowed in your house.
Or get assertive and tell the rude mothers to send a packed lunch and snacks for their kids seeing as they're getting free childcare (or you could charge for it).

SavingSpaces2019, hee hee, I used to say, "No", too sometimes but they turned up anyway. Sometimes when I came downstairs in the morning I didn't know who I'd be walking on.

Looking back, I'm glad now. It's good for children and teenagers to have a social life and for parents to keep open house - my parents didn't and I felt very repressed. However, parents do need some time to themselves and peace and quiet, kids must realise that and learn to be considerate - it takes time!

Now I have all the peace and quiet I desire. Sheer bliss.

OP, you urgently need to sort out your insecurities and envy issues before you screw your kids life up