To feel upset by my teens friends mum dropping off food

[Pearlofthesea]

My teen DS (15) often has his gf over straight from school and although I’ll cook them both a main meal in the evening they complain they’re hungry and need ‘snacks’. I say no, wait until your dinner later (admittedly there’s not a great deal of snack type food in the house but there’s fruit).

It turns out the gf’s mum has been dropping off food bags to ‘tied them over’ until I get around to cooking in the evening. I’m not aware until recently as they sneak out the back to meet the mum in her car.

The bag contains sandwiches, crisps, fruit juice cartons, baby bels, cheese strings, pepperami sausages, grapes, strawberries etc, in my opinion really over the top!

AIBU to be upset and pissed off? This happens at least twice a week. My DS looks at me as if I should be grateful as he says gf’s mum is ‘helping out’ ?!

I did read the bloody thread.

It's taken a ton of people telling her 'if your child is hungry......feed them earlier' to even contemplate doings this.

Honestly, I think that is concerning.

I hate when poster do this.

Is there no explanation for why dinner is at 9?? Just a ‘oh ok I’ll move it to 6’

Wtf?! So you’re not even at work. You’re at home and dinner is still at 9.
And no explanation of why at all.
What’s the point of posting if you ignore all the questions and points made.

Also your son should be home and studying not spending every evening with his GF. It’s too intense. They’re only 15!

I’m really shocked by a few things on this thread.
A) 9pm is INSANLEY late to be eating a main meal. OP you complain that the GF’s mum feeds them unhealthily but eating a main mean at 9pm is extremely unhealthy! Unless you all go to bed after midnight then that’s just not enough time to digest properly! Eating large meals late is also a sod for weight gain 😒
B) I understand you’re on a budget but it sounds like GF’s mum feeds your DS several nights a week and you do the same in return. So surely this evens itself out? So you’re not actually losing out financially.
C) 🙄 you sound awfully judgmental of somebody with different life circumstances! I grew up very poor (currently mid twenties) but I had friends who ’earnt’ money doing basic chores I was expected to do for free and I managed not be resentful of it! Maybe you should try to get your own jealousy in check a bit!
D) He’s a teenager, I’m sorry but if you’re starving them until 9pm and begrudging of luxuries - whilst her house has takeaways and plenty of food on offer OF COURSE he will think that’s amazing! 🙄🙈 He doesn’t love you less but he’s allowed to want to do that!
E) 😒 if GF is ‘earning’ money from basic chores it’s not unreasonable to think she bought him those pricey gifts herself.
F) IF you had the finances that the GF’s family do- would you not also indulge DS a little? You actually say in one of your posts that you wish you had more money to buy snacks and treats? So it’s just pot calling the kettle black really as you would also do it IF you could!

It really boils down to you being insecure and a bit jealous

Tell them to go to this woman's house then!
Why can't they take food with them? why does she have to do the dramatic drop off? Silly woman, doesn't she have better things to do? no, she is playing a game of "Look at me, I'm the better mum!" Enjoy the peace when they go to her and eat crap if that's what they want.

Unlimited toast and jam was the offer in our house as kids. Just get stacks of cheap loaves and throw them at the starving hoards.........or even better. Get them to cook tea. You shouldn't be getting home that late and have to start again.

Expecting them to wait until 9 is just silly.

I think you're being a bit unfair on them because you feel insecure. They happen to have more money than you - that's not something they've done on purpose to upset you OP, but from the way you're talking you'd think they had! Dropping off snacks and buying clothes/aftershave (fairly nice normal Christmas presents) isn't a good reason to be annoyed with someone. Wouldn't it be worse if they were wealthy but incredibly stingy and refusing to share? It sounds like they're nice to your son but not excessively so that you need to feel this threatened. Some people are better off than others, that's just life. Don't take it so personally!

OP
It's fine honestly. Being a single parent was the worst time for me. It's so hard having to watch every penny.

Can I ask? Did you mother pass away? Or cares for in anither setting? How are you feeling about that?

Is your reluctance to change your routine linked to not coping with that? Is this impacting lots of your emotions?

I am glad you have connected your last thread to this one. I didnt want to go into the details here, for your sake. But he is clearly very very hungry.

People here will support you. Even when you are struggling. even when you dont make the best decisions (we all make poor choices sometimes).

And loads of us are on a low income or have been.

9 is too late but they are old enough to prepare a meal themselves or make some toast.

Going against the tide here, I'm with you, they don't need an extra meal at 4pm, a piece of fruit is plenty to tide them over, perhaps a couple of biscuits if like mine did they cycle. The quantity you suggest sounds like a pathway to obesity. Mine are both pretty into health now but they understood wait until dinner events 14/15 (I didn't do snacks except fruit even at primary, empty calories.)

Yeah it’s not just the wealth - I get we all have different amounts of money.

It’s the fact she has clearly got her ‘act together’ - it just reminds me how shit and chaotic I am. My son has painted this picture of an amazing mum who goes to work every day, has plenty of money, has a pristine house, she also has a younger child with SEN, she always looks so happy and beautiful- (I’ve seen her a couple of times in her car from my bedroom window).

If I’m honest I’m totally in awe of her, don’t mean to be jealous just makes me look at myself and realise what a failure I am.

Really pisses me off, her house apparently is ‘always tidy’
So how much housework does your teen do? Maybe he should pull his fingers out and do more housework if that's how he likes it?

and there’s ‘so much food in the fridge’
You but what your budget allows. It IS enough to feed him - there's be more for him if he didn't expect you to always feed his gf too.
He can always get a part time job and help out?

and she gets ‘loads of pocket money’ the other day she ‘earned’ £5 just to take the dog for a quick walk
Yea - she got paid to do a job.
Your budget doesn't stretch to that - so how about he gets a part time job?

Honestly, he's acting like a typical teen.
You've already decided to eat earlier etc, now you just need to nip his rude attitude in the bud.
The other mother knows that most other kids don't live the kind of life her daughter lives - especially her boyfriend.
People like her don't consider the other parents feelings when they're showering money and expensive gifts on their kids.
Far too up their own arse for that.....and of course they're just being 'nice'

Although I do think posters are being really dramatic about the 9pm dinner thing. Where I'm living in Asia at the moment everyone eats about this time, and they do in a lot of Europe too. Only in England people think eating dinner at 6pm is necessary! I'd be starving at bedtime if i ate that early! But yeah, snacks need to be provided if dinner will be that late.

Though we always eat about 7

Thanks protein- yes she’s gone now.

I don’t think I have moved on. I don’t know how to.

She hasn't got her act together if she is doing food drops to her 15 yr old DD. Please don't compare your back room to her shop front op.

We usually eat around nine

BTW all teens go through a phase of "everyone else has fab holidays, a better car, bigger house etc etc" they know how to press your buttons. it won't last.

You are not in a league, she is not in a league. You're just people. She is probably just as worried about meeting you. Goodness knows how wonderful the GF makes life at your house sound. Teens always want what they don't have.

OP her shit still stinks.

I remember think some of my friends parents were amazing.

Now I am older I can see they are all just normal people with strengths and weaknesses. We all have shit going on. We all think we are the only ones.

We are not. Not one is perfect.

Benji so true

Everyone else has everything, you give me nothing, you're the worst mum ever etc.

You're not a failure. You're providing a roof over his head. I responded earlier that 9pm is too late, and I think it is. But I'd never see you as a failure as a parent, especially as you are changing your stance on this issue. Being a parent of teems must be so hard. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Pearl, you sound great - reasonable, able to consider things from different angles - have obviously raised a great son and have a home trend like to hang out in. I think Sunni put it excellently earlier.

Maybe Gf’s mother has a cleaner, whatever - she may just be someone who’s prioritises organising. I am a bit of a shambles and I know what it’s like to feel everyone else has their act together, but it’s not true - you never know what goes on in people’s lives. Be proud of yourself and all you’ve done and happy that your son has a gf he likes with an apparently nice family, but don’t let his enthusiasm for them feel like he’s ranking you or that you’re not great.

I don’t think I have moved on. I don’t know how to.

Is it recent? Maybe you need some outside support.

FWIW I don't think you do move on. My nana brought me up for most of my childhood. She died when I was 19. I am changed. Life changes. It's always different from then. You make a new normal.

And sometimes you need outside support to make that new normal.

I suspect, you feelings of inadequacy are part of your grief. Changing you routine may feel like you are leaving your mum behind and moving on and not want to do that.

But you should. Change routines, it doesnt mean you will forget and leave your mum behind.

see from your response to @ProteinshakesandAntonsbum that things are actually pretty hard for you right now.

Why not get this thread deleted and start a new one for support and ideas on living with the painful change and loss you have been through? Maybe more compassion to yourself would help open up to the Mum too? Maybe all is not well in her camp either? Maybe she's exhausted from trying to look to the outside world that all is well all of the time and maybe that big car is on finance...

Maybe make this the motivation to ‘get your shit together’ then?

Do you work at all?

Could you go to college if you can’t get a job?

Sounds like you need to do a bit more self care, op.