To feel upset by my teens friends mum dropping off food

[Pearlofthesea]

My teen DS (15) often has his gf over straight from school and although I’ll cook them both a main meal in the evening they complain they’re hungry and need ‘snacks’. I say no, wait until your dinner later (admittedly there’s not a great deal of snack type food in the house but there’s fruit).

It turns out the gf’s mum has been dropping off food bags to ‘tied them over’ until I get around to cooking in the evening. I’m not aware until recently as they sneak out the back to meet the mum in her car.

The bag contains sandwiches, crisps, fruit juice cartons, baby bels, cheese strings, pepperami sausages, grapes, strawberries etc, in my opinion really over the top!

AIBU to be upset and pissed off? This happens at least twice a week. My DS looks at me as if I should be grateful as he says gf’s mum is ‘helping out’ ?!

OP, I want to give you the other side of GF’s mother.

I’ve been told repeatedly that I look like I have my shit together, always look like I have life sorted, get on with most people and have friendly, superficial chat down. I’ve been told that people can find me intimidating as I seem to have life hacked.

It couldn’t be further from the truth! I’m riddled with anxiety. I hate speaking to people and analyse how stupid I’ve been after each conversation. I use good clothes/makeup as a crutch. At the moment my career is shit as I’m caring for my elderly mother. I’m not sure how to stop my life and MH spiralling.

So the GF’s mother might look like she has her shit sorted but you don’t know what life is really like for her!
Comparing yourself to others is really silly especially when so many people hide what is going on behind the scenes.

@Pearlofthesea

Good that sounds like a better plan XXX look at what I suggested as that's be easy for you to do even if you add in Aldi snacks etc (i work and can get home late but still want to regularly feed my children something at a decent time. Believe me slow cooker is your friends at times as a working mum! .there's a FB group for lush slow cooker meals)

I will even do a posh salad like he has at gf’s house with grilled peppers and haloumi (If I can afford haloumi!)

You do not need to do this. Stop trying to compete. Just feed them whatever you would normally feed them.

You can cook same meal night before for you, that youngest, and for your children -but box or plate it -up into fridge for kids next day to eat at a more normal time when they are hungry There is little effort to that. Put it in freezer if they aren't due back for a couple nights.
I'm a single working mum on a tight budget and my DCs never go hungry.

No point trying to cook earlier and give them more food, you need to do it. 9pm is much too late. At primary school mine would have tea 4:30-5 pm and I'd take a snack at pick up time. For the last year at least we mostly eat tea at 6 as dh got a job nearer to home and I'd had enough of cooking twice. Kids are now 14-18 years old but they'll still ask when we are eating and start hovering around 5:30/5:45pm. 9pm is not good.

• that you eat (not that "you youngest" 😆)

I know I shouldn’t compete but right now I feel I need to, to gain acceptance from my son and his gf. I am very conscious how fickle teens can be and I recognise I am fairly insecure myself at the moment- hopefully this can and will change.

It’s interesting the posters who wrote that the other mum possibly is not as together as she seems. I just overheard gf telling DS that her parents have had a ‘massive row’ and she doesn’t want to go home. I guess things are not always as they seem.

Maybe she’ll be staying here tonight - at least they won’t go hungry - see I can apply humour to myself now!

I know I shouldn’t compete but right now I feel I need to, to gain acceptance from my son and his gf

Is there some massive backstory you have missed out?

I just feel like she’s interfering and like I can’t feed my own kids. Maybe I’m just fed up of being on a tight budget, I wish I could buy more but I can’t afford it

So stop the passive aggressive martyrdom and tell your son's GF to eat at home. Or accept the help. Or don't accept the help then you can moan about two things - you're skint and the GF's mum is judging you. Win win!

Sorry, OP. I didn't see there was more posts from you.

Don't try and compete. Make yourself a list if it will help. Tell your son to rein in the comments about his girlfriends mum and get him to do his share around the house.

Why does it matter if the other mum is living the perfect life or it is all some terrible sham (do you think she’s putting on an act for your benefit?!?!) Why do you need her not to be as perfect as she seems in order to not feel crap about yourself? Do you really need people here to give you examples of how her life might be rubbish after all?

Why would that make you feel better? Live your life, concentrate on what you can do/change & stop worrying about hers. This chippy comparison thing is unhelpful for your wellbeing.

She's rubbing her money in your face, and it's just rude. Next time the gf comes round, follow them to meet her, take the snacks off her yourself and say thanks, well enjoy these whilst tucking in t the baby bel cheese . seriously?! Your suggestion is if the OP is struggling to feed her kids and someone is offering to help, is to take the food and have it herself?

@Soontobe60 That’s SUCH a disgusting attitude to have and if I were you I’d be thoroughly ashamed of myself. No, she’s not rubbing her money in the OPs face, she’s feeding kids.

I’m not sure I would be in awe of someone who twice a week drives to someone else’s house to surreptitiously hand over a bag of groceries. That’s ridiculous behaviour for an adult.

If you can't cook till after 9 they must be starving.

Could he cook his own meal?

Mine comes in at 3:30 and looks expectantly in the kitchen for food every day. He now has light tea and then dinner at 6ish, followed by snacks all evening. He does a lot of physical activity though.

Teenagers eat, as is being said, very large amounts.

If you won't provide what's needed, I guess the girl's mother is doing it.

Nonetheless, I do find the supplying of food by an outsider a bit odd, and wouldn't want it- but the answer is more food from you!

It might be different if it were a question of affordability, but you don't mention that at all.

Fruit is absolutely not what teenagers want.

This chippy comparison thing is unhelpful for your wellbeing

... and if anything will alienate your sons it’s this, it’s not much fun to be around.

Fruit is absolutely not what teenagers want.

So they get what they want and not what they need??My teens love fruit. I often send them away with a banana if they can't wait until dinner.

Op why do you not cook/serve dinner until 9pm? For a couple on their own that isn't uncommon but you really cannot expect teenagers to wait so long without food. 7pm would be more sensible but they will still need a snack when they get home from school - that's why the girlfriend's mother gives them supplies and she does it quietly so as not to offend you. Though now you've found out, you're probably more offended!

Nevertheless it's unreasonable and inhospitable to not give snacks to schoolchildren, they need fuel. I can't understand why you don't but it seems you are going to from now on so good on you.

Take care girl.

They do overnights at 15? Is she also 15? Are they having sex? Have you discussed contraception with them?

Why don't people RTFT?! Leave going on about how 9pm is too late, the OP conceded that about 4 pages ago.

I will even do a posh salad like he has at gf’s house with grilled peppers and haloumi (If I can afford haloumi!)

OP you dont need to compete. But if you do want to do this meal as a meal, get the halloumi from aldi. Loads cheaper than other supermarkets. Its ine of my favourite foods.

Dont try and compete. Dont feel better cause her parents had a fallout. Just remember that you are your own person. Stop looking at them as competition.

I do think you need to be concerned about how intense this relationship is.

How on earth could you be pissed off at someone doing something so generous? She's helping out and being nice.

Op the competitiveness is so unhealthy. Please don't do that.

Well said PollyPenguin 👏🏻👏🏻

Ps I'm the same as you. I thought it was just me who analysed how stupid I've been after every conversation!!

OP I'm really glad that you're feeling a little better now, and that you're taking a positive approach.

Your situation sounds really difficult and I agree with PP that you should also take some time for yourself and some self-care.

You're in no way an inadequate parent, you're just going through a difficult patch and it's impressive that you're still plodding along.

I think it's fairly normal to feel some sort of resentment towards the parents of the GF, but you need to remind yourself that you have been through a great deal and that you're still managing to hold yourself together.

I would suggest that longer term you look at some counselling and/or CBT so that you can come away with some better coping strategies which may help you to move forward a little faster.

You're doing a great job; things will better.