To feel upset by my teens friends mum dropping off food

[Pearlofthesea]

My teen DS (15) often has his gf over straight from school and although I’ll cook them both a main meal in the evening they complain they’re hungry and need ‘snacks’. I say no, wait until your dinner later (admittedly there’s not a great deal of snack type food in the house but there’s fruit).

It turns out the gf’s mum has been dropping off food bags to ‘tied them over’ until I get around to cooking in the evening. I’m not aware until recently as they sneak out the back to meet the mum in her car.

The bag contains sandwiches, crisps, fruit juice cartons, baby bels, cheese strings, pepperami sausages, grapes, strawberries etc, in my opinion really over the top!

AIBU to be upset and pissed off? This happens at least twice a week. My DS looks at me as if I should be grateful as he says gf’s mum is ‘helping out’ ?!

I can’t believe people are calling this abuse. While I think 9pm is late for dinner and that more snacks should be available, OP has said there is fruit. It’s not like he’s in danger of actually starving

Why would you ask your son to tell the mum not to bring food over anymore? Your jealousy is going to drive your son away.

I can’t believe people are calling this abuse.

If a kid is so hungry that he is resorting to stealing money to buy food. It's not exactly great is it? 🤷‍♀️

The OP has been struggling and I really feel for her, but I think she needs to talk to her son about everything and try and find a compromise.

This isn't helpful at all but I remember when I was a teen I always ate a lot despite being stick thin. To this day, if I don't eat regularly I will become faint (right now I'm on a train munching a cereal bar because I know I won't last until dinner later lol). But yeah as a teenager I had a friend whose parents didn't allow any snacks whatsoever so I ended up having to bring a packed lunch to her house because I was starving. It became a running joke, but I had no choice.

If you cannot start cooking before 9pm I don't see any good reason why your dc couldn't start cooking at a more sensible hour for you.
They are going to need something to eat as a snack but cheap and filling would be fine.
Teenagers often prefer other people's houses, it's perfectly normal and nothing to be stressed over.
Finally you have no idea what is going on in someone else's life just by looking at them.

I wrote my previous reply cross post with yours so I had already posted it before I read your post (and I didn't know you had cared for your mum).

One of the things I listed that makes people special was caring for others. You have been caring for your terminally ill mum OP. I'm sorry for your loss. Not everyone steps up to do that. Many people would (reasonably) say "I can't I need to work/have kids to care for" etc.

No doubt you might have had a tidier house, worked more and had a bit more money and had less trauma and more mental energy if you had put your own needs ahead of your mum's. But you stepped up despite difficult circumstances (kids/financial) and that makes you very special.

Now you need to be as kind to yourself as you can be as you try to recover.

If there was food in the house that could be cooked & Op was caring for her mum, how come the cooking was being left for Op to do at 9pm?

Op, sorry to hear about your mum.

It's shit.

I'm not sure that you move on as such, just that it gets more bearable as time passes.

Hopefully your son can find a part time job soon and treat himself to takeaway/ but a gift for his girlfriend himself.

Thanks Verily1, I totally agree. Ironically I used to have a very well paid job, but I had to give it up because my personal circumstances changed and I became a carer for my mum when she was ill, shortly after she passed my husband became critically ill - not terminal but debilitating to a great extent.

I just can’t find the motivation to get myself together. Everyday is like ground hog day, I know I’m depressed, I take medication which helps.

I have no interest in myself anymore- just waiting for this part of my life to be over.

Sorry really don’t want to turn this into a ‘woe is me’ thread.

Back to the point of the thread - I will definitely get more food in and cook earlier!

Thanks everyone I’m going for a nice long walk - enjoy the sun everyone.

Yabvu

Sorry you are on a tight budget, but you need to put your pride to one side and appreciate that someone is helping you feed your son, because you cannot afford to.
Expecting them to wait from lunchtime till 9pm is ridiculous

I was really shocked by OP's first few posts.
Maybe she'll see the light on her walk?!

If you’re not hungry till 9pm fine, cook then. For YOU.

DS is eating lunch at what, 1pm? Then waiting 8 hours for more food?

For fuck sake OP.

I wouldn't be pissed off but i would think she's bloody weird and kind of over keen. The contents sound like what you'd give a 4 YO not teens. Can't see it lasting and the teens wanting it.....it's a bit embarrassing isn't it? Just get baguette and block of cheese for them to gnaw on pre dinner and say nothing. She's an over invested strange lady who needs to let her kids grow up a bit.

9 pm? Wtf? Thats shocking your expecting them to wait that long.

OMG....9PM! That's like, the middle of the night! She'll be sending Jim jams and a toothbrush next! I have 16 and 18YO - we eat at 6:15 every night, they're starving by then. Then later they eat cereals Pre bed.

I cannot believe you are treating them like toddlers, there is a time you need to realise that teens are growing up and may be eating a lot at certain times, they will no longer be happy to be dictated what healthy stuff the should limit themselves to. So good on the other mum not leaving you with the responsibility to pay for the food single handedly, it is not fair for them to go hungry just because you think they had enough.

Sounds like OP has had a really hard time recently

OP can I give you some perspective "from the other side" ? When I was 15 I went out with a lad from a very wealthy family. I was often round there and yes the food was generally nicer and more plentiful (also served earlier) than at home. But his mother absolutely loved me (and my sister) because;
1)We helped out ,we were used to doing so at home
2)We were appreciative of her cooking and always polite

Yes she did give us jobs (for pay) and generous presents. But when she met my Mum she was full of admiration that she had produced 2 such well brought up and practical girls. I am sure he's Mum feels the same.

Wow I'm not surprised they are starving if you don't cook until 9.00!! DS would have eaten two full meals and be ready for another snack by that time. I know you see fruit as being the healthy option but perhaps you could buy less fruit and more snacks type stuff or just make them a sAndwich and crisps for when they get back from school.

I can see you may feel yours DS's GF's mum is undermining you but really it's good that she is contributing towards the cost.

that should read gf's mum

I bet you're glad you posted OP. Home is home and you are your son's mum, that's not going to change.

If you're able to provide dinner earlier then that would be a good idea; a simple (reasonable) snack for after school. That's enough. If the GF's mum wants to provide other snacks then I'd let her. If the dinner and after-school-snack is adequate then there's nothing for you to feel guilt over, so don't.

The usual posters are falling over themselves to berate you for your 'poor and inadequate' parenting, boasting away about their own children who eat enormous quantities yet are willowy and thin. Take that with a very large pinch of salt (lo-salt, of course).

If self-aggrandisement were an Olympic sport, we'd be raining gold medals.

OP has plainly had a really rough time recently and it doesn't sound like she is getting much support from anyone.
OP, make sure your ds is pulling his weight at home, seriously get him in the kitchen.
Don't worry about others judging you, focus on rebuilding yourself.

The sneaking is the part that would bother me. If the girl gets pregnant, would that be a secret the three would keep from you?

Tell the mother thanks for helping- that you didn’t know the teens were so hungry- and please use the front door.

I think she's probably trying to avoid a CF charge by not expecting you to do all the feeding of two teenagers. I don't think you should be offended. Teens eat insane amounts.