To feel upset by my teens friends mum dropping off food

[Pearlofthesea]

My teen DS (15) often has his gf over straight from school and although I’ll cook them both a main meal in the evening they complain they’re hungry and need ‘snacks’. I say no, wait until your dinner later (admittedly there’s not a great deal of snack type food in the house but there’s fruit).

It turns out the gf’s mum has been dropping off food bags to ‘tied them over’ until I get around to cooking in the evening. I’m not aware until recently as they sneak out the back to meet the mum in her car.

The bag contains sandwiches, crisps, fruit juice cartons, baby bels, cheese strings, pepperami sausages, grapes, strawberries etc, in my opinion really over the top!

AIBU to be upset and pissed off? This happens at least twice a week. My DS looks at me as if I should be grateful as he says gf’s mum is ‘helping out’ ?!

There's nothing wrong with talking about difficult and distressing things in your life. You matter too in this scenario. It might actually become easier to manage if you stop beating yourself up for having normal emotions about really difficult experiences. (I don't like the expression, but frankly in the circumstances you have every right to have some "woe is me" conversations.)

I'm really sorry for your loss. The idea that anybody should be able to "move on" after a bereavement is a uniquely western cultural idea that is unhelpful and unrealistic - it's not how grief or humans work.

Just because she's died doesn't mean your mum's presence in your life has been or should be erased. She's shaped who you are and how you experience things, and you'll always carry that with you. It's ok to keep carrying her with you - you don't have to jettison all trace of her from your life and charge off as if she never existed.

You are so hard on yourself from so many angles. Could you try being a little gentler? You've been through so much, you need some kindness.

Your feelings compared to this other mum, of feeling embarrassed etc, can you see that they're entirely self-generated from within you? You're judging yourself, attacking yourself, berating yourself, comparing yourself, and then projecting that outwards.

You've nothing to be embarrassed about. If I knew you in real life, I would be in awe of your strength and concerned at how much you've been through and whether you needed support. Whether or not you smiled enough, let alone compared to anybody else with different life experiences, would not be something that crossed my mind.

The thing that really annoys me is the sneakiness of it. If the other mum is sooo wonderful why is she encouraging her daughter and op’s son to go behind op’s back??
To be honest I would call her out on that as it is really disrespectful.

OP, your son is 15 and more than capable of cooking a meal for everyone in the house. That will help to alleviate the pressure on you to cook every night. Very simply pasta, chicken with a tomato sauce either a jar or homemade, serve with garlic bread. Most children can make this. Re homemade I batch cook it in the slow cooker, portion and freeze it so it is cooked once but serves several meals.

Yes I believe he does need the snack (my sons are 16 and 13) we eat at either 6pm because of an evening sporting activity for the children or 6.30-7pm all other days.

Get your son involved more, teach him whilst you are in the kitchen doing it. Then he does it and learns for himself.

You have clearly had a lot going on, you need to delegate.

TBH, I would be furious at this woman dropping food off sneakily! If her DD is hungry when she comes to yours, why can't her parents just give her extra money to buy snacks on the way home from school? She's rubbing her money in your face, and it's just rude. Next time the gf comes round, follow them to meet her, take the snacks off her yourself and say thanks, well enjoy these whilst tucking in t the baby bel cheese .
Also, at that age if he's old enough for a gf, he's old enough to make his own food!

She's rubbing her money in your face, and it's just rude.

What the hell?

She is literally giving the kids some food.

You are being really hard on yourself - you sound amazing and have taken on lots of difficulties and ploughed through. This time in your life really will pass.

Dont compare yourself with gf's dm. If your ds says she is lovely she probably is. And don't assume she has her act together - you have no idea what is going on in her life or what she has been through. The most polished people can be going through agonies out of sight.

Being angry with her because you are disappointed with yourself will make matters worse, and is also very confusing. Dont ask gf's dm her not to give them food - that would be provocative and probably embarrass her.

My ds, 17, will come in from college and eat everything in sight (toast, cereal, bananas usually) and then ask when dinner is. He gets his dinner around 7.30pm and then will be on prowl for supper. His friends are the same and I am always very grateful when they are fed by other families (we are by far the least well off). These families would be deeply embarrassed if I made a fuss about them giving more to my ds than I can to their dcs. I thank them when I see them but they don't really want thanks - they are happy my ds is in their dcs' lives.

Good news is your ds has a lovely gf and has been embraced by her family. There is no way he could go until 9pm without eating so it is lovely that gf's dm is stepping in. If you meet her you could thank her for the snacks and her kindness.

When you have come through this time in your life you will feel much happier about yourself if you have been generous (and I mean emotionally) to other people. If you are mean and resentful you will just make yourself feel rubbish.

OP, you need to make an effort and try to meet the other parent. It's very rude you have never greeted her when she comes over. Write a note for her or a card that hey, would you like to stay over for tea/coffee next time you are here? Keep some biscuits in the cupboard for this occasion. You may even tell her that your depression makes you unsocial. I am sure she will understand. Do meet her OP. Make some effort.
Also your DS at 15 could help you with cooking and not having daily shags with his girlfriend. Next year he is going to have GCSEs. How is he going to prepare for the exams when all he does is having his GF over or is staying at hers? He needs to study and you need to tell him about it that from September on you can stay at your GF's or she is at ours at weekends only. Full stop. Yes, you're being unreasonable by making dinner so late but these two who are old enough to sleep together are also old enough to prepare a dinner themselves or at least help you with it.
OP, you need pull up yourself and while not too late, put a stop to those frequent meetings between the young two teens. Their future depends on their education especially your son's as you can't help him with money. If he wants a better life than yours and have good meals etc then he needs to concentrate on his studies more and you need to be stricter with him as he is still a child.

... and teach ds to cook pasta, baked potatoes, garlic bread, chicken and rice etc. All easy dishes.

I wouldn't be upset. Teens are like bottomless pits for food! The gf's mum is probably acknowledging that it's expensive to have an extra teen around every day (especially if she knows that her daughter is a big eater), and is saying thank you through this contribution.

You don’t feed them until 9pm. Mine would be eating the furniture by then and are often on their ‘pre-bed snack’ By then. No wonder the mum is giving them food.

Hi OP,

I think you are being given a rough time on here, but the way you react to the onslaught of negativity is with calm and dignity, and you come across as very honest about your feelings and trying to understand yourself, so no idea why people are so harsh!

Please do not think the other mum is in a different "league", and fwiw I think the sneaking around with snacks is weird (if the kids brought their own snacks that would be different, imo).

If you can cook earlier, and can stretch to some cheap snacks (I used to be all about healthy food, but now my teens are 14 and 16 I stock the house with cheap junk such as instant noodles, choc digestives, crisps etc) . My teens will eat a bowl of instant noodles or half a packet of biscuits, then still eat whatever I cook. It's ridiculous how excited they are about a good supply of snacks...

They don't care if it's from Lidl, v. Cheap stuff. It sorts their carb hunger.

Take care, and look after yourself too!

OP all teens do the my friends parents do this better crap. Its just what teens do.

DB (18) and his GF have been together since they were 14, GF's family are well off. My parents are poorer than church mice. DB prefers going to GFs house, because they have a pool and a huge TV, snacks etc and even after 4 years they treat him like a guest. GF prefers being at my parents, where no one cares about snacks in the living room and she can sit on the sofa cuddling the dog and is expected to make the odd cuppa and help wash up. She pops up occasionally with bags of snacks, pudding etc, mum was a bit awkward about it at first but GF was like "well, when you go to dinner you take a nice bottle of wine. I'm not 18 and wine is expensive so here's a fivers worth of Lidl snacks"

She's rubbing her money in your face

Seriously??? 🤣

I'd be grateful. Teenagers cost a huge amount to feed and if your feeding ds gf then it's nice her mum is dropping over food. But like when they are young and u send snacks to share on play date

Yes I agree. Op has had a rough go of it on here but really has responded calmly. I'm sorry I was so harsh, you sound like you've had and are having a hard time.

If you're not feeling so emotionally robust op, aibu can be a little too much to take.

Get the teens to cook one night a week - with supervision. They prob love making a lasagne or bolognese (and cheap to make)

Or get them to make pizza

Look, why can't they go to the GFs house first, eat snacks and then come to yours??? I thinks she's being cheeky eating at yours all the time!

So OP,

• Cut on the frequency of the visits between DS and his GF
• Make a plan what to buy for big meals and snacks.

Lidl is very good for snacks and they're less sweeter than Aldi's. Both Lidl and Aldi have brilliant eggs. If you are too far from these shops then maybe try Asda. Buy big bags of pasta and rice, jars of sauce or cans of tomatoes, baked beans, spices. It's much cheaper to make food from scratch than buying microwaved or oven food. Ask the teens to help you with cooking the dinner or preparing the ingredients for cooking, washing up after the meal. Ask them to help you with planning the next meal. They may enjoy it. -Don't expect them to know that you need help. Teens are often selfish.

• Don't forget to send an invitation to the other parent to have tea with you at some point. Ask the girl about it.

Good luck.

@BoogieNites

She doesn't. OP said it happens twice a week and they go to the GF house for tea 'most of the rest of the week'

Plenty of PPs have told you yabvvu OP/ @Pearlofthesea

It is very unreasonable for you to expect children to wait until 9-10pm for tea.
If I was the other mum covering your ass, I'd be considering whether you were a neglectful parent if you told me not to drop any snacks off as they "weren't allowed to eat them". Who cares when YOU like to eat?! They are hungry.

How about you buy a "ready meal" for first night, then you plate or box up every other late meal into fridge so children can eat it at a reasonable and earlier time the next time they are over. ? That's be easiest for you and keep everyone happy.
And get some cheap.snacks in, you don't need to spend much but your DS is eating at his gf's regularly enough that you won't be out of pocket.

And I'd drop the chip on your shoulder about the other mum. She may have lots of money. I don't. But I would do same but with less expensive snacks if I was her. Because your routine is not child friendly and it sounds a little bit neglectful.

I’m back from my walk. Amazing how fresh air can clear your mind.

I feel positive and have a plan. I’ve popped to Aldi and bought pasta, rice, crackers, Wraps etc.

Me (and DS if he wants to) will prepare things the night before that he can bung in the microwave such as jacket potato and beans. I will also remind him how easy it is to cook pasta, pesto with grated cheese and to make wraps etc.

I will also aim to cook a main meal about 6ish which will include vegetables / salad etc so hopefully healthy.

I’ve decided I no longer feel threatened by the food bag lol so that can continue if other mum wants to provide it!

I will even do a posh salad like he has at gf’s house with grilled peppers and haloumi (If I can afford haloumi!)

Still not ready to meet other mum but small steps and all that. He and gf have just got in from taking dog out and guess what- they’re starving! Good job I now have some food and a plan!

Well done op!