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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your husbands week looked like this would it bother you?

196 replies

Alain23 · 28/06/2019 01:49

He finishes work at 6pm Mon to Fri and this is how his evenings are spent (we don’t have children yet)

Monday
7:30pm - 10:30pm - We both have dinner with my parents

Tuesday
6:30pm - 8:30pm - Football with his friends

Wednesday - Evening at home

Thursday
6pm - 8pm - He sees his parents

Friday
7pm - 8pm - He sees his nephew
8pm - 10pm - Football with his brothers

Saturday - Date night for us

Sunday
5:30pm - 10pm - He has dinner with his parents

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/06/2019 10:54

It probably not what you want to hear but I agree with merryoldgoat.
If you want children I would genuinely be reconsidering my marriage.
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

comoagua · 28/06/2019 10:55

what an awful situation, it's not the time spent is it, it's the time spent with people you have good reason not to trust. I can't think what you can try - relationship counselling? Otherwise I can't see how this will ever get better except via divorce. Once you have children you will both face even more intense pressure to conform won't you?

RantyAnty · 28/06/2019 11:05

Did you end up buying a house close to them?

Is he also at his parents house while visiting the nephew and brother on Friday?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 28/06/2019 11:10

he Should care that it upsets you, he should be promoting you to his parents and resolving that situation certainly before having children
I’d hate The rigidity of it i personally would want most of those events to me flexible ad hoc

Youngandfree · 28/06/2019 11:14

Ok is it just this week or EVERY week that looks like this??

If it’s EVERY week then why on earth do you guys feel the need to live the same week on repeat!! How monotonous!!?? Change it up ffs! Confused

SushiTime · 28/06/2019 11:20

He sees his parents a lot. That would annoy me, only because I don't like my in laws.

theWarOnPeace · 28/06/2019 11:23

Just read your update. We have Bangladeshi acquaintances and it sounds very similar.

They’re all around each other and in each other’s pockets constantly, we live nearby so often drive past their house and they’re in and out (family members) incredibly often. I mean I don’t think I’ve ever walked or driven past and someone isn’t going through the front door! I chat to one of the DIL’s sometimes at school and she has said she feels incredibly suffocated and can’t bear the whole family, but she feels trapped. Also doesn’t like the way the GC including her kids and other ILs are treated and involved. They also argue and scream at each other at the parents’ house, all of them, I’ve seen and heard it too. The DIL looks like a ghost she’s so bloody sad and miserable. Her own parents are back in Bangladesh although apparently nice and progressive, but they don’t go back much so there’s no balance on that side either. If it’s anything at all like that OP, then run. It won’t improve.

Ellisandra · 28/06/2019 11:36

It’s a shame there is no edit function on here, because your 09:23 post should have been your OP.

I don’t fancy your chances of changing your husband, and personally I’d think very very carefully before starting a family. I’d give him a limited time to sort out his priorities - and be prepared to divorce him if he doesn’t.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/06/2019 11:46

Do you love him that much that you will accept this for the rest of your life? Or is there an element of just not wanting to "lose" to his parents?

Either way, think very very carefully before starting a family. If your marriage were to collapse after having dc's, he would be taking them to his parents' house however many times a week and there's not much you could do about it.

Original poster
Alain23 · 28/06/2019 11:49

Thanks for all the responses. I have some thinking and some decisions to make as I don't see any changes being made except from my end. I don't feel anymore responses will be beneficial as I see the general consensus. Thanks

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 28/06/2019 13:33

Did you and your oh entirely fund the house they had a say in op or did they help financially. If the latter that is your problem.

JugsAndSoap · 28/06/2019 13:46

It wouldn't bother me personally, but it obviously bothers you.

NasiGoreng · 28/06/2019 14:13

Your DH is a wimp TBH.

SignedUpJust4This · 28/06/2019 14:40

I haven't RTFT so someone has probably said this already but you have a DH problem not an in law problem. Why doesn't he want to spend more time with you? Why is he so needy of his parents? Don't have kids with this man.

Ellisandra · 28/06/2019 15:08

“I haven’t RTFT” - there’s far more relevant information given in later posts, so there’s not much point in commenting on this one, if you haven’t.

SavingSpaces2019 · 28/06/2019 15:10

My husband has not had my back, but apologised and says he will from now on and that I need to move on from the past and that he wants to see them 2-3 times a week

OP - what happens if you have kids with him?
He'll take them to see these toxic people and they will brainwash your kids the way they've done your husband.

Your husband is the problem.
Personally i'd be giving him an ultimatum - either back up his lip service with action or go live with his parents.

AriadneesWeb · 28/06/2019 15:13

You spend three nights a week together which I think is fine. I’m not sure how it’d work if you have children as he won’t be able to have two nights for football and two dinners with his parents. At most he’d get one night for football and would have to take the children to his parents and bring them back early.

Belenus · 28/06/2019 16:38

They will always be his parents, nothing will ever change that whereas partners come and go.

IME this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume partners and spouses will come and go and make your relationship with your parents a priority there is a good chance your partner will leave. Part of becoming an adult is learning that relationships other than those with your parents become more important. If you want a family of your own, you need to make your partner a priority.

Much as I love my parents, if they tried to get between me and a partner, I'd choose the partner.

gamerwidow · 28/06/2019 18:17

Given the extra information you’ve given yanbu to want him to reduce his time with his parents.

SundaeMorning · 28/06/2019 23:18

Isitmeorhimthistime

"we see our in laws once or twice a week and mine once a week as they live further.
Why is it deemed too much? They're parents they won't be around forever!
One of my parents is from a different culture so maybe that's why it doesn't seem weird to me to be close to family after marriage but it irks me how people barely want to see family.
Just because you have a partner and work and your life doesn't mean you have to only see your family once a month out of obligation.
I love my family and my DH loves his so I'm so glad we spend time with both on a regular basis."

Yes! Most people I know see their parents twice a week. I think its nice, if that's what he enjoys.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 28/06/2019 23:20

And I thought my in laws were a pain in the arse! I think you somehow, you need to talk and change this habit. It's not healthy for a grown up!!!

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