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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your husbands week looked like this would it bother you?

196 replies

Alain23 · 28/06/2019 01:49

He finishes work at 6pm Mon to Fri and this is how his evenings are spent (we don’t have children yet)

Monday
7:30pm - 10:30pm - We both have dinner with my parents

Tuesday
6:30pm - 8:30pm - Football with his friends

Wednesday - Evening at home

Thursday
6pm - 8pm - He sees his parents

Friday
7pm - 8pm - He sees his nephew
8pm - 10pm - Football with his brothers

Saturday - Date night for us

Sunday
5:30pm - 10pm - He has dinner with his parents

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 28/06/2019 03:33

I think you should re-evaluate exactly what has been said and done. Often we have posters here who come in with a tale of MIL woe and it's nothing but a misunderstanding, or rather what it boils down to is no one likes taking advice from anyone other than their own mother.

If you don't sort it out now, it's going to be hell when you have children. And not fair on your Dh or the children if you and MIL are at loggerheads.

Have you actually had words and fallen out?

OhTheRoses · 28/06/2019 04:22

I can't see the problem - he's home by 9 almost every night he goes out. I wpuld be bored rigid though. What do you do together when he's in or on your own when he's out.

Might you be less grumpy about it if you had more to do?

DH spends a whole weekend with his horrid mother once a month but she's widowed now and 83.

Dunno op, it just sounds like an awful lot of free time to me. Looking back to when we were child free I was put of the house at 6.20am, home at 7.30/8ish with DH home by 9.30ish. And he still fitted in footie and politics and we both fitted in life and parents. Once the DC came along I stopped working and DH was out from 6.45am, sometimes until 10pm working. But played footie on Thursdays when he could.

Longdistance · 28/06/2019 04:32

When dh an I first got together and before dds were born it was

Monday - home

Tuesday - rugby training

Wednesday - home/ away with work

Thursday - rugby training

Friday - home

Saturday - 2pm to 6pm rugby, or if he’s with friends and there was a celebration he’d stay out.

Sunday - home

Now we have dds and he’s too old for rugby, he just trains the colts on a Thursday evening and goes to the game Sunday morning. Tbh, I can’t stand the ones that are far away as he’s out all day. Occasionally he’ll play golf or squash with a friend Saturday morning but he has to ask depending if I get any down time as I do the majority of the childcare as he’s away during the week.

Oysterbabe · 28/06/2019 04:38

Looks fine to me.

Karwomannghia · 28/06/2019 04:40

It’s the in law thing. I’d feel hurt about that. What happened?

Wheresthebeach · 28/06/2019 04:41

Seems a lot of time with his parents, and you need to sort that situation out if you can. If there were issues then I can understand how you feel if he’s there so often esp Sunday evening. Get it sorted before you have kids OP because then it will be a whole lot more complicated.

lljkk · 28/06/2019 04:42

Gosh, you (both) see so much of your parents!

Zoflorabore · 28/06/2019 04:50

I know it's not what you asked op but is there any way to repair your relationship with his parents?

Thinking about if and when you have children. Can see it causing major problems him going so often ( and with potential child ) and they could take turns to visit you instead?

I've been there. My mil hates me but we've called a truce and get along when we see each other, primarily for dp's sake and our dc who came along.

When you have no other caring responsibilities it's great to have such a good social life and it may not always be this way. Try and get an extra night for you both somehow as essentially now you only have Wednesday and Saturday together which isn't a lot.

SundaeMorning · 28/06/2019 04:50

I never realised there was an allowed amount of time you are allowed to see your parents?? I was close to mine and saw them twice, three, times a week. Didnt know this was socially unacceptable!

SundaeMorning · 28/06/2019 04:52

*i see it a lot on here, the way it is definitely more frowned upon for men to be close to their parents, compared to women.

Wheresthecoffee92 · 28/06/2019 05:06

I'd ask him to scrap Sunday dinner with parents and just have dinner when he sees them the other day in the week. But other than that it's okay.

musicalxo · 28/06/2019 05:13

Would you be happier if he spends Sunday with you? Bc I would. Two nights dinner with parents seem a bit excessive. Maybe switch it to another weekday? Plus, I usually consider weekends as dates/chill days, but that's just me. Could you spend time at your own parents' when he's at his? I would pick up a new hobby. I wish I had more time for my own hobbies!

How does your DH feel about his parents sabotaging your marriage?

Her0utdoors · 28/06/2019 05:35

What does your week look like OP? Are you getting as much hobby time or are you picking up the slack domestically? If you are planning to start a family with this man, there's work to be done asserting clear boundaries about how the unpaid work gets done.

maddy68 · 28/06/2019 05:41

Sounds pretty normal to me tbh

maddiemookins16mum · 28/06/2019 05:50

The Sunday is a wee bit odd, the rest seems ok.

Rezie · 28/06/2019 05:57

What is the actual problem? Him not spending enough time at home or him visiting his parents? Also, is this really every week? Like it has been agreed that there is visit with nephew and always visit parents on certain date? Or is it more like you have no plans so he goes with his nephew. I don't think there is nothing wrong in this schedule, but then again I have hobbies and I like my in laws. It only matter that you are not ok with it. What is your suggestion on how to make it work? What was his reaction when you told him?

Maybe instead of visiting your parents together, you visit them while he visits. Then there is one more free evening. Then occasionally he visits yours.

KeatynArrington · 28/06/2019 06:11

I think he needs to drop down to seeing his parents once a week. You only get two nights a week with him. That's bonkers.

pictish · 28/06/2019 06:16

Well...you’ll need to fill us in on what poor treatment you’ve received because otherwise it looks ok.

adaline · 28/06/2019 06:17

If you're happy with him out of the house four nights a week I don't think you can dictate that he's not with his parents in that time.

In other words, when you talk to him, try not to make the discussion about his mum and dad - it won't end well. Just say you'd like to spend some more time together so can you either both see your parents once a week on the same night (so you see yours and he sees his separately) instead.

Does he like spending one evening a week with his in-laws? I have to say I'd find that very hard, especially if I'd been at work all day first!

Cherrysherbet · 28/06/2019 06:19

I think you need to make a real effort to build a relationship with his parents, otherwise resentment will grow. It must be hard for him that you don’t get on. I’d put my feelings aside for his sake, and really try to move on. Life’s too short. Don’t make him choose. If you bring children into the mix....that will be hard on them too.

adaline · 28/06/2019 06:20

You only get two nights a week with him. That's bonkers.

They get three - he goes to OP's parents on Monday's with her, then they have Wednesday and Saturday night too. He's also home by 9pm most other nights, plus presumably they have weekend days together, plus mornings before work. That's plenty of time together - no?

pictish · 28/06/2019 06:21

Yy to women being allowed to be close to their mums on mumsnet, while men are castigated as having ‘mummy issues’ and ‘needing to cut the apron strings’.

Laura221 · 28/06/2019 06:23

Looks fine to me. Maybe drop the Sunday?

VivienneHolt · 28/06/2019 06:24

It looks reasonably well balanced to me but I can see how it’s hard if you don’t get on with his parents. Maybe you could suggest that every other Sunday he has a night at home as a compromise?

Chamomileteaplease · 28/06/2019 06:25

Can you tell us more about your ILs behaviour in the past and your dh's thoughts on it.

I wouldn't be having children with a man who's parents are so against me. It's a recipe for disaster.

With regard to your original question no I would not like my husband going out every Sunday night to his parents. Especially when he has already seen them for one evening in the week.

It also means that your husband is only home for one or two evenings a week which must surely impact on his energy levels.