Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your husbands week looked like this would it bother you?

196 replies

Alain23 · 28/06/2019 01:49

He finishes work at 6pm Mon to Fri and this is how his evenings are spent (we don’t have children yet)

Monday
7:30pm - 10:30pm - We both have dinner with my parents

Tuesday
6:30pm - 8:30pm - Football with his friends

Wednesday - Evening at home

Thursday
6pm - 8pm - He sees his parents

Friday
7pm - 8pm - He sees his nephew
8pm - 10pm - Football with his brothers

Saturday - Date night for us

Sunday
5:30pm - 10pm - He has dinner with his parents

OP posts:
TixieLix · 28/06/2019 06:26

I think it would be helpful to know what sort of things his parents had done and how he feels about their behaviour. Has he had your back?

If you're unhappy at the amount of time he spends with them now then make sure you agree how things will be before you have children because visiting his parents twice a week every week and his brothers every week will mean less time at home helping you with bath/bedtime routine etc. Will he expect to take any future DCs to visit his parents twice a week without you OP (assuming you won't want to go?)

There's a lot of underlying resentment about his parents in your post OP. He's visiting them often so either he doesn't share your concerns, or his parents are demanding and he can't stand up to them. It sounds as though the PIL have done a good job driving that wedge because it's apparent you're not happy at the moment.

JoJoSM2 · 28/06/2019 06:28

Trying to be in competition with his parents (them or me sort f attitude) want do any good for your relationship.

pictish · 28/06/2019 06:30

We just don’t have enough information to go on.

flowery · 28/06/2019 06:32

In terms of how much time he’s home it’s fine. He’s out Friday and Sunday, then a couple of other nights he’s slightly later home, that’s it.

But seeing his parents twice a week without you and them causing a problem in your marriage, that’s the issue

gamerwidow · 28/06/2019 06:33

It’s only two late nights a week and for one of them his been with you all day. Nights when his in before 9 dont really count as time apart unless you’re going to bed really really early.
I’d need to know more about his parents issues with you to know if you’re being unreasonable about not going with him.
I don’t think it’s ever reasonable to dictate to your partner when they can spend time with their family.
Any reason why you never spend time with his nephew. Is he not your nephew too?
It does feel like your forcing him to choose between his family and you which is never going to end well.

pictish · 28/06/2019 06:38

“I guess I feel hurt every time he goes over there and like they’ve won and I’m second priority. “

More detail is needed. We can’t say whether or not yabu without them. Immediate thought is, why is it a competition with him as the prize?
Who doesn’t want to share?

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 28/06/2019 06:44

3 nights with you. 3 nights with his family. But only one night with his friends? Sounds pretty boring to me. What do you do on your other nights?

Belenus · 28/06/2019 06:45

Looks fine except that he spends time with your parents whereas you don't spend time with his. Going on what you've said so far I'd do as PP suggested and see if you can alternate the Sundays. One Sunday he's with his parents, the next with you.

cakecakecheese · 28/06/2019 06:48

Ah ok so the issue here is him spending time with his parents when they've offended you in some way and you think by seeing them so often he's not got your back? As others have said it's difficult to judge with no information but if they've treated you badly then of course him merrily popping over to see them at least twice a week will be upsetting.

cptartapp · 28/06/2019 06:49

Almost half the week is spent seeing parents?! Why so much and so rigid? Isn't it tying? I hope they're flexible enough to see it can't always be like that, especially if and when you have DC.

Brefugee · 28/06/2019 06:51

It looks fine except that he spends a fair amount of time with his parents without you. Can you go to your parents on one of those days and get a hobby for the other?

NoSauce · 28/06/2019 06:52

Is this every week OP or just a one off?
What’s happened with his parents and you?

Tigger001 · 28/06/2019 06:55

Sounds ok to me, but if you are not happy would he consider dropping one night with his parents if it bothers you so much.
Although without knowing what happened with his parents, its whether or not its reasonable for you to feel uncomfortable with him seeing them twice a week.

53rdWay · 28/06/2019 06:58

If that’s a rigid schedule then it wouldn’t work for me, no.

You say you don’t have children yet - is that something you’re planning? And do you have similar expectations for how your lives might change when you do? Because if you’re finding this hard work now then you’re really going to struggle with it if there’s a baby in the picture.

Yogagirl123 · 28/06/2019 07:04

Doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.

Beechview · 28/06/2019 07:04

The schedule wouldn’t bother me. I’d be seeing friends on a Friday night, possibly Thursday too, and relaxing on a Sunday night.

You need to find a way to deal with the in law issue. If your in laws have been bad to you and your dh sees no fault in them, then that may have some long term implications.

theWarOnPeace · 28/06/2019 07:05

I wouldn’t like my husband spending such a huge amount of time with people who had been awful to me. They’re his parents, yes, but he spends a lot of time with them considering they’ve treated you poorly. What happened? As pp have said, having children with someone who sees their parents so much despite you not wanting to is a recipe for disaster.

ImaginaryCat · 28/06/2019 07:06

How old are you both? Personally I feel you could both do with some apron string cutting. (Although I'm prepared to admit my own family background makes me find it a bit weird when grown adults still go to their parents for weekly feeding.)

And how rigid is this timetable? If mutual friends invited you both out on a Sunday or Monday evening would it cause fireworks?

When (if) there are children in the mix will the expectation still be there for you to visit them weekly?

He has football, what do you have? And do you socialise together or separately with friends outside of your marriage?

user1480880826 · 28/06/2019 07:07

Why does a grown, married man have dinner with his parents twice a week? That’s a little bit odd. Especially when you have been made to feel unwelcome. He’s hardly standing up for you is he?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/06/2019 07:09

If that’s a rigid schedule then it wouldn’t work for me, no.

This
And YY to the apron string cutting. There is so much parent in your week!!!

BiscuitDrama · 28/06/2019 07:10

I wouldn’t be happy with him spending two evenings a week with his parents, seems excessive for an adult. I also wouldn’t be happy with his spending so much time with people that I’d argued with.

CherryPavlova · 28/06/2019 07:11

I think there are plenty of women who spend much more time with their families. In general, men that are good at maintaining positive relationships with family are good at maintaining relationships.

It’s not his diary that she the issue, it’s your dislike of his family and unwillingness to forgive and forget. That may be a reasonable position or may not. We can’t know.

Perhaps you need to find more for yourself?

ImaginaryCat · 28/06/2019 07:12

Another question from me.... did either of you live alone or in a house share between moving out of your parents and moving in together?

adaline · 28/06/2019 07:12

Why does a grown, married man have dinner with his parents twice a week? That’s a little bit odd. Especially when you have been made to feel unwelcome. He’s hardly standing up for you is he?

Equally, why should he be stopped from seeing his parents' on OP's say-so? OP also has dinner with her parents' once a week so she can't rationally object to that side of things.

Loveislandaddict · 28/06/2019 07:12

A lot of time at his parents!

Cut one of the visits to parents. Maybe both go on Sunday and he stays at home on Monday (or vice versa). No need to go two nights in a row. The rest isn’t so bad.

Presuming you don”t have kids. If you do, then too much.