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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your husbands week looked like this would it bother you?

196 replies

Alain23 · 28/06/2019 01:49

He finishes work at 6pm Mon to Fri and this is how his evenings are spent (we don’t have children yet)

Monday
7:30pm - 10:30pm - We both have dinner with my parents

Tuesday
6:30pm - 8:30pm - Football with his friends

Wednesday - Evening at home

Thursday
6pm - 8pm - He sees his parents

Friday
7pm - 8pm - He sees his nephew
8pm - 10pm - Football with his brothers

Saturday - Date night for us

Sunday
5:30pm - 10pm - He has dinner with his parents

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 28/06/2019 08:38

He's acting like a single man who is dating.

diddl · 28/06/2019 08:41

So you spend every Sunday evening alone?

Nope, wouldn't like that I don't think.

If they have tried to cause problems-does he not see it or not care because tbh it seems very pointed that he spends so much time with them.

Do you never see your parents without him?

dottiedodah · 28/06/2019 08:42

It may be worth holding out an olive branch to his family .I know you feel "wronged " by them .But as others have said here ,you are storing up problems for the future, if you are at loggerheads .When you say they have tried to come between you what do you mean?,Maybe see if you could go out together or ask them over .Act like nothing has happened ,Difficult ,but if hubby feels he has to choose between you it will cause problems for you long term.

Lweji · 28/06/2019 08:45

It doesn't seem too bad if you don't have children, although I don't see why he needs to see his parents on his own and have dinner with them as a couple in the same week.
I'd insist he chooses one.

Do you also get time with your friends and relatives?
Do you have plans to have a child soon?
I think you need to find activities for those evenings, so that you can point out to what you're giving up too when the babies are born. I doubt he'll want to reduce his nights out when a baby comes. Have you talked to him about it?

IveNotSlept · 28/06/2019 08:48

I can’t see anything wrong as such, you are having 2 nights a week together alone. If it’s the visiting his parents well he’s clearly close to them isn’t he? I don’t get on with my in laws, they don’t really like me but trust me trying to drive a wedge doesn’t go well. My husband will side with me, but he had loyalty to them which no matter what they do to me or him for that matter he won’t just cut them off. I’d say just leave him to get on with it, it’s only 2 nights not 6 nights a weeks and 1 full weekend day, it could be much worse! It is annoying and I’ve been there but it’s much easier to just let him get on with it and leave him to it.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2019 08:51

I think the greatest concern is whether you suspect that he will continue sticking to his routine once you have DC, but you will be expected to give up any social life you may have had for yourself. Do you reckon that's likely to happen?

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2019 08:56

The issue here is how much time he spends with his parents. You say you're happy for him to maintain his relationship but you clearly aren't, or want him to do so, but on terms you agree too.

Unless you extrapolate on the issue with his parents and yourself, then it's hard for people to comment. But as he doesn't expect you to come with him, it's hard to see what he's doing wrong.

NasiGoreng · 28/06/2019 09:12

I think you need to find some common ground with his parents before it turns into your DH and DC going to see his parents leaving you behind. Believe me, that will sting.

As for him seeing his DP, that is not out of line at all. I really don't get why it is not OK for men to drop into their family whenever they want. Women do it all the time. A lot of my friends spend time nearly every day with their parents. My own nephews are married with DC and drop in on their Dad, Grandad, Aunty and brothers all the time. In fact, I'd say one of them every day.

CassianAndor · 28/06/2019 09:13

adaline yes, that is a downside, but I really wouldn't want to live close to people who are trying to drive a wedge through me and my husband. And personally, my parents would understand and be fine with that.

I don't think people are saying it's bad to see so much of your parents, they are just commenting that it seems like a lot to them - not that it's bad.

I personally just find the structure so odd. When can the OP just turn round a say 'it's a lovely evening, let's go to the pub.' or 'I'd love to go to the opening night of Star Wars next Friday' (but she can't because that's always dinner night at the PILS) or 'old friend is in town next week, she can only do [day we always have dinner at mum's]'.

It's so inflexible.

I find that, more than anything, rather odd.

Original poster
Alain23 · 28/06/2019 09:23

Thanks for all the replies. Without informing you of every single situation and scenario, the general issue is that his parents believe they should come before their children’s partners and have said so. They are like this with all their children and their spouses. They said before our wedding that I am not right for their family, as I believe they wanted a DIL who would conform and obey them. This is/was typical of our culture but they haven’t progressed with the times. Because I encouraged independence in my husband, they kept telling him I was brainwashing him and how much he’d changed, and he believed them and somewhat turned on me! They demanded we buy a house right by theirs and made finding our first home unbearable. They have ignored me when they see me, on one occasion turning away when I attempted to hug them. They feel their children are indebted to them and that it is their job to take care of them financially even though they live a comfortable retiree d life. They told my husband to not tell me and save up money on the side for a divorce ‘just incase’. My husband has not had my back, but apologised and says he will from now on and that I need to move on from the past and that he wants to see them 2-3 times a week. From what I can tell they manipulate and guilt trip him and he doesn’t like conflict so he is inclined to just do what they want. Regarding children I have made it clear that his parents won’t be seeing them without me as I have witnessed them telling their GC to shut up (in their house it is the norm to shout/swear etc), and overheard MIL say a negative comment about the mother of her GC to the GC.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 28/06/2019 09:28

Honestly, I’d be done with this.

I’m not saying you have to always get on amazingly with your PIL but if they are overt in their dislike and try to encourage a break and your husband doesn’t side with you then it’s pointless imo.

Children will make this even more ludicrous. I’d honestly not countenance having children in a relationship like that.

happyhillock · 28/06/2019 09:29

Seem's ok to me, i used to visit my parent's 3 times a week especially when they were getting on a bit, i got on well with my PIL my parents didn't like my EXH so he never visited them, didn't cause any problem's, your mum and dad are your parent's regardless

Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 09:30

How old are you and how long have you been married?. This never ends well and I wonder if you would be better off without him.

diddl · 28/06/2019 09:31

Oh goodness.

Seriously-have you thought about leaving him?

That just sounds awful.

He doesn't have your back at all!

NoSauce · 28/06/2019 09:33

Now you’ve updated what’s going on, I’d be done with this too OP. It’s no way to live. Your husband is allowing their behaviour towards you which is worse than what they’re doing!

Honestly you need to think whether you can live forever like this.

IHateUncleJamie · 28/06/2019 09:35

I'd ask him to scrap Sunday dinner with parents and just have dinner when he sees them the other day in the week. But other than that it's okay.

This. @Alain23 Five hours every Sunday evening is unreasonable IMO and it would be even if you were there too. What if you want to go away for the weekend?

My mother used to demand attendance like this and would sulk if we couldn’t go. She refused to speak to me for months once just because we were going away for Easter and wouldn’t be there for lunch. If your DH doesn’t put his foot down NOW and put you and him first as a couple, this is only going to get worse.

Please don’t have children with this man until he gets his priorities straight. Is he married to you or to his parents?

CassianAndor · 28/06/2019 09:39

OP - move. Just move away from these toxic people.

diddl · 28/06/2019 09:39

Also saying that any children wouldn't see them without you-you know that you would be doing the hours HE wants to at his parents!

Also, if they are so awful, why would you agree to any kids seeing them at all?

Please think about what shit you would be exposing any future kids to-and leave for their sake!

Eliza9919 · 28/06/2019 09:43

I wouldn't be happy with the sunday dinner at his parents every week. I'd want to have our own roast dinners or go out for carvery or something.

Could he drop the sundays and then you both only go to parents every other week so one week you go to yours, the next he goes to his? so that frees up another night every other week.

And does he have to go to football 2 nights a week? You need to phase that out if you plan on having kids based on plenty of threads on here.

HandsUpHere · 28/06/2019 09:47

Do not have children with him until this is resolved. If you do it will only get worse.

Butterymuffin · 28/06/2019 09:49

Update makes it clear this is not tenable long term. Not if he just caves in to what they want.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 28/06/2019 09:50

It looks fine to me. But I'm assuming that you'e not comfortable with it and that's the issue. Doesn't matter what the rest of us think.

ComeAndDance · 28/06/2019 09:53

So yes I had it right.
If your DH spends 2~3 evenings with them and then wants to spend a bit of time doing his own things, there is no space at all for you.
Which is EXACTLY what they want and have managed to manipulate your DH to do that.

The issue here is your DH though. If he isn’t able to stand up to his parents and have your back, this will just carry in. Your PIL aim is clearly to destroy your marriage and they might succeed. But they will only do so because your DH will have let them... :(
If he isn’t able to have your back, are you sure this is a relationship you want to be in? A relationship where you will have dcs and you will have to fight again and again against them, be portrayed as the awful one for stopping your dcs to see them, stopping your DH to see them with your child etc....

PeoniesarePink · 28/06/2019 09:53

If you're not happy with it, then something needs to change.

But it sounds like your DH is caught between a rock and a hard place to be really honest too.

It's really sad that you have all this family friction, and I'd be very wary of bringing children into this dynamic.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/06/2019 09:57

I think the only solution to your problem is a divorce. I couldn't be married to someone who allowed his parents to constantly bad mouth me and was wanting to see them 3 times per week.
Children will just tie you to this monstrous set up forever. Run now, while you still can.