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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your husbands week looked like this would it bother you?

196 replies

Alain23 · 28/06/2019 01:49

He finishes work at 6pm Mon to Fri and this is how his evenings are spent (we don’t have children yet)

Monday
7:30pm - 10:30pm - We both have dinner with my parents

Tuesday
6:30pm - 8:30pm - Football with his friends

Wednesday - Evening at home

Thursday
6pm - 8pm - He sees his parents

Friday
7pm - 8pm - He sees his nephew
8pm - 10pm - Football with his brothers

Saturday - Date night for us

Sunday
5:30pm - 10pm - He has dinner with his parents

OP posts:
Whereissummerthisyear · 28/06/2019 07:19

Sunday night with his parents till 10pm is a bit much.

BullBullBull · 28/06/2019 07:22

If a man tried to stop his wife from seeing her parents twice a week, he’d be called Controlling. Why are men not allowed to be close to their parents on here?

Loopytiles · 28/06/2019 07:23

Twice a week at his parents is too much IMO, particularly if they have been crap to you.

Even once a week with yours is a lot IMO!

QueenBeee · 28/06/2019 07:26

Why are men not allowed to be close to their parents on here?

It's that he still does everything else as well. And doesn't bode well for the long term if OP is not included in the invite or else doesn't feel welcome enough. It isn't a simple 'he isn't allowed to be close to parents',

summerishereatlast · 28/06/2019 07:30

As an adult, for me, he is spending too much time with his parents. We see ours once a month. You need to spend more time together looking at your schedule.

gamerwidow · 28/06/2019 07:30

It's that he still does everything else as well
But everything else is just playing football twice a week and he is back before 830 one of these nights. Not really excessive.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/06/2019 07:31

I think it’s fine but never understand the object to adults spending time with parents. They will always be his parents, nothing will ever change that whereas partners come and go. It would consider it controlling behaviour if a spouse didn’t want me to spend time with family.

Merryoldgoat · 28/06/2019 07:31

I’d need to under a bit more about your relationship with his parents before commenting really - why do you not like them?

adaline · 28/06/2019 07:31

It's that he still does everything else as well.

Why is that a problem? They don't have children - he spends three nights a week with his wife (one at home, one date night and one night with his inlaws), two nights with his parents, one night with friends and one night with family (nephew and brothers).

He also shouldn't stop seeing his parents on the say-so of his wife.

gamerwidow · 28/06/2019 07:32

We see ours once a month.
Great that obviously works well for you, keep doing it.
I would find that entirely incompatible with my life though so will continue to see my mum twice a week.

ittooshallpass · 28/06/2019 07:33

I don't understand either of you seeing so much of parents on such rigid schedules. But I've never lived anywhere near mine so am used to maybe several visits a year.

How long have you been married? Are you both quite young? It almost looks like you're not married...

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/06/2019 07:33

Seems reasonable to me - 3 evenings with you, 2 with his family and 2 split so that he’s out in the early evening but home by 8:30 to spend time with you.

What does your week look like?

Loopytiles · 28/06/2019 07:35

“Partners come and go” Hmm

adaline · 28/06/2019 07:38

It almost looks like you're not married...

I don't quite understand that statement - being married doesn't mean being joined at the hip!

They have three nights a week together, plus presumably the majority of weekends, plus the other four nights a week they're mostly together from 9pm too.

Maybe if OP had something to do on the nights her DH was out, it would be less of a problem. Personally I love when DH is out for night - I don't have to share the sofa!

donajimena · 28/06/2019 07:39

The Sunday might bother me but only if you could do something together in that time. I wouldn't stop anyone going anywhere if the alternative was watching countryfile or some other crap on the tv.

Welliesandpyjamas · 28/06/2019 07:40

Looks ok. And looks healthily sociable , which is nice.

AyBeeCee10 · 28/06/2019 07:40

It depends op. DH and I wouldnt want to see our parents that much. We live a few hours away so see them a few times a year and suits us fine. Tbh your dh setup sounds too full on. What does he see them so often for? Sounds like he hasnt really left home.
I wouldnt be happy to spend less than a quarter of my week with my husband.

expat101 · 28/06/2019 07:44

Reading your post OP, I'm mindful of a local family. He was recently involved in a serious motor vehicle accident and his wife working pt at her employer's but remaining at work long after her hours were done.
In-laws were (pre-accident) looking after their grandchildren after school hours and fed dinner long after mother was due to arrive to pick them up.

Since the accident, the Hubby's usefulness at home reached an all-time low and PIL's have picked up the slack not much before their 80's. DIL has increased her staying at work hours but now 7 days per week and not all working either. Its an unhappy household for many reasons but PIL's home is the place the son still in recovery turns to...

Not saying this is you OP, but obviously, your OH has reason to divide his time between M & D and you.

Have you approached him?

KitKatKit · 28/06/2019 07:45

I don't think it's a weird schedule - but if you see a long term future with the guy, and/or want to have kids, you should make an effort to repair relations with his parents, and visit them once a week together, as a couple. That way, he might feel like he doesn't need to go more than once a week if he's not having to constantly consider the tension between you and his parents. Just knowing that there's bad blood between his significant other and his parents could end up being an actual drain on his mental health.

All too often on MN, you have posters boasting of going "no contact" with inlaws - but that's not always the fix all cure to all of your relationship issues.

katewhinesalot · 28/06/2019 07:51

Why don't you go on your own to visit your parents the same night as he goes to his for dinner. At least most of the times.

The other night he's only popping in for a couple of hours and is home by 8.

I don't think you can ask him to cut it down. It's not an unreasonably amount. It might be worth building bridges with them if you plan to have children.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 28/06/2019 07:51

Two of the evenings he's out he's finished by 8/8.30 so they're not exactly late nights.

If the issue is his parents and how they've treated you, that's fair enough but he still wants a relationship with them and so sees them alone. I honestly can't see the problem with that, if he was pushing you to go I'd see it, but to me it seems like he respects the fact you don't want to be around them and so has worked out a way to see them without making you feel pressure.

If it's that you don't want him to be so close to his parents, with the greatest of respect I don't think that's your call.

ComeAndDance · 28/06/2019 07:51

That’s not a lot if time to spend together if you are in a LT relationship/living together. Not even half of the week where you actually see each other in the evening. It’s different lets say from someone who comes home, has dinner and then goes to an activity

Atm he is spending at least as much time with his parents in the evening than with you. I’m not surprised you are feeling pushed out and like they have won.
I wouod have a word with him about it (Just using numbers rather than emotional language iyswim)

Mary1935 · 28/06/2019 07:52

Hi Alan, what I would be questioning is this arrangement rigid - that is could you go away for a weekend together so he wouldn’t see his parents on a Sunday. Or is you wanted a night out on Monday would you feel able to re arrange your parents.
It all seems rather routined to me and I would find it difficult.
Do you get out at all on the nights he’s doing stuff. If not, I would find an interest.
Re his parents - is he an only child and is he indulged or entitled.
Is there a cultural issue present.
His parents may see him as there possession and you are the outsider.
Does he agree with you that they have interfered in the marriage.
It’s not a completion - it’s working out what the issues are.
I feel he does spend too long with them, maybe he wants too, maybe he’s guilt tripped into doing this. Does he feel an obligation to see them? Do they pressure him? I had a crap childhood though.
The problems will come if you want children and this will be dealt with.
We don’t know the issues.
He needs to be supporting you though. Do you feel loved and cared for. Can you talk through issues.
Take care.

adaline · 28/06/2019 07:53

Atm he is spending at least as much time with his parents in the evening than with you. I’m not surprised you are feeling pushed out and like they have won.

How is he? He's with his parents two nights a week, with OP and her parents once, with OP alone twice, and the other three evenings he's home by 9pm!

BobbyBrewstersMagicTorch · 28/06/2019 07:57

Why such a rigid routine? That would drive me nuts.