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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your husbands week looked like this would it bother you?

196 replies

Alain23 · 28/06/2019 01:49

He finishes work at 6pm Mon to Fri and this is how his evenings are spent (we don’t have children yet)

Monday
7:30pm - 10:30pm - We both have dinner with my parents

Tuesday
6:30pm - 8:30pm - Football with his friends

Wednesday - Evening at home

Thursday
6pm - 8pm - He sees his parents

Friday
7pm - 8pm - He sees his nephew
8pm - 10pm - Football with his brothers

Saturday - Date night for us

Sunday
5:30pm - 10pm - He has dinner with his parents

OP posts:
avalanching · 28/06/2019 07:58

Nope, it's lovely he's so involved with his family. What does your week look like?

HillRunner · 28/06/2019 07:58

He sees his parents twice a week despite the fact that they have tried to cause problems in your marriage? That might bother me. Does he prioritise them over you?

Otherwise, if you don't have kids, it seems ok. But it depends on whether you're happy with it.

Somersetlady · 28/06/2019 07:58

Only on MN could people be spending too much time with their parents as if it’s done out of duty. He might really enjoy his parents company and love spending time with them just as much as his friends or wife. After all they have been around his whole life!

Imagine this thread flipped. My husband doesn’t like how I choose to spend my free time and wants me to do what he requests or spend the time with him. There would be outrage.

I have a toxic mother in law as many on here will know. Think crying on our wedding day as she was losing a son, telling him we weren’t suited post marriage and we shouldn’t have children then saying it was meant to be when we had a miscarriage. That’s just the tip of the ice berg.

My husband loves his family and I have learnt to be civil and just let things goes over my head when in her company. Having children has definitely helped even though she doesnt agree with my mothering style Hmm

I just sit there and think it’s not me it’s your MIL and don’t give her the satisfaction of rising to the bait.

Having said that I have a hobby that means I always have the option of going off with friends and riding my horse so am not too concerned about what hubby is doing as long as we get some quality time together each week.

rosesandcashmere · 28/06/2019 08:00

You and he both see your parents at least weekly for dinner? I think that's odd but then I only have one parent. Do you have a kitchen? Perhaps both try cooking there.

CassianAndor · 28/06/2019 08:02

To me that all looks very rigid and stifling. Don't you see your mates? Don't you just do stuff spontaneously?
Before kids DH and I saw parents may be once a month(me), much less (him, but that would involve a weekend trip). Rest of the time was utterly random and mainly involved pubs.
In your situation I'd move away from his family.

WinterWife · 28/06/2019 08:05

Don't think it looks bad, in fact I'd be super happy with all that time alone but that's coming from a mother with a toddler wishing I'd spent more time doing nothing when I was able to.
I would have a good chat with him about it if children are on the cards. You'll need him home as much as possible then.

Cersei61 · 28/06/2019 08:18

What does your week look OP? Is there another reason that he likes to spend time with his parents/family?

adaline · 28/06/2019 08:18

In your situation I'd move away from his family.

Why, when it would also require her to move away from her family, whom she happily sees once a week?

What's wrong with grown adults being close to their parents? I see a lot of threads here where people complain that grandparents aren't involved, but why would they be if there wasn't a relationship with the parents' in the first place?

Feelingwalkedover · 28/06/2019 08:19

Yep I’d be bothered
He should be sorting out the issues with his parents so you can join for dinner

BogglesGoggles · 28/06/2019 08:20

No, given that you don’t have children. One isn’t obliged to put life on hold the second marriage happens. But I would be concerned that he would expect it to continue once you start having children (assuming you do that is).

JustMarriedBecca · 28/06/2019 08:22

If you want more time together suggest he sees his brother and his parents in one hit on a Friday. I'd be out or watching Netflix if I were you

federationrep · 28/06/2019 08:25

It would depend how rigidly he sticks to it. What if friends asked you over for a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon, would he go or turn it down because it's his parents day? What if you were poorly (can't get out of bed or need to go to out of hours level poorly) on a Thursday or Friday, would he stay with you without question or would you be seen as an imposition? does he get bothered by how you spend the evenings without him? Could you catch up with family & friends, go clubbing, take up a new hobby?
Without knowing why you feel you can't go to his family with him it's hard to advise. Is it possible to try to repair any damage before you have DC? How near are parents to you? Could you try making things a bit less formal so instead of full evenings, sit down meal you could pop in for a cuppa on way to cinema (pre-book your tickets so you have to leave by a certain time) or invite both sets of parents over to yours so you feel like you've got someone with you who'd have your back.

ooooohbetty · 28/06/2019 08:25

It would bother me that a grown man sees his parents twice a week. Unless they are infirm I'd feel once a week was more than enough.

Pinkfinkle · 28/06/2019 08:28

Yep, that would bother me but more so with children involved which isn’t an issue for you. I think you should find hobbies to fill the time or friends of your own while he’s at football.

Nofilter101 · 28/06/2019 08:29

I wouldn't be happy about this op. The apron strings need cutting

Isitmeorhimthistime · 28/06/2019 08:30

we see our in laws once or twice a week and mine once a week as they live further.
Why is it deemed too much? They're parents they won't be around forever!
One of my parents is from a different culture so maybe that's why it doesn't seem weird to me to be close to family after marriage but it irks me how people barely want to see family.
Just because you have a partner and work and your life doesn't mean you have to only see your family once a month out of obligation.
I love my family and my DH loves his so I'm so glad we spend time with both on a regular basis.

trackingmedown · 28/06/2019 08:30

Maybe make Sunday evenings with his parents every other week? Or invite them over to yours for the occasional meal - it might improve your relationship with them?

PlatypusPie · 28/06/2019 08:31

Would be informative to see your own week, OP . I hope you have a full and busy ( or pleasantly relaxing ) week yourself, rather than sitting at home seething.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 28/06/2019 08:34

You’re going to have to sort out this relationship with his parents as a couple.
Otherwise when ( if) you have kids, they’ll be disappearing off to the ILs every Sunday as it’s too entrenched.

I would start with eow at his parents, and eow at yours for Sunday dinner.
Then reduce it down; once every 3 for each set of parents.
Do something fun with your dh; go away for the weekend or something

anothernotherone · 28/06/2019 08:35

IceCreamAndCandyfloss perhaps "partners come and go" because you're always at your mum's... Wink

This isn't a "partner" in the "actually I met him last Saturday but we've seen each other several times and I don't know what else to call him" sense some people use it, it's her husband, and her husband's parents apparently shit stir in their marriage.

You absolutely shouldn't be telling him to see his family less, but it's a sign of incompatibility that despite them trying to cause problems in your marriage he's at their house without you so much IMO.

His choices tell you a lot. I think you need serious honest conversations about expectations or marriage counseling before bringing children into this marriage.

ZenNudist · 28/06/2019 08:35

The Sunday with parents is too long, twice a week is too much given you are not welcome. Id tell him to onock it on the head.

Also he does lots with friends and family. Do you not havd children? Do you get to do similar whilst he is busy?

Also time with you is relegated to one date night but his parents get to and friends and family are more important.

If you dont already have kids I wouldn't think about having children until family issues are resolved and he can make time for you and the dc.

notacooldad · 28/06/2019 08:35

Twice a week every week with his parents? That seems a lot.
Seems normal!!

AnyOldPrion · 28/06/2019 08:35

Looks like it would be fine IF you got along with his parents.

Beyond that, it’s impossible to say without details of the behaviour that has caused you to go NC with them.

If they’ve been genuinely unpleasant to you, and he’s taken their side, then you have a problem. It will only get worse if you have children. In fact, I’d go so far as to advise that you don’t think about having children with him unless there’s a way to resolve it.

Whatafustercluck · 28/06/2019 08:38

No idea if you plan on having children op, but if you do, that kind of a routine has set a precedent for how often you both see your parents that's going to be incredibly difficult to break when you no longer have the time. The routine is rigid and I'd find it stifling. I'm really close to my parents, in distance and emotionally, but see them maybe every two weeks - although we might spend the best part of a day with them. I speak to them on the phone in between though. Is it the hobbies or the parental visits that bother you?

thecatsthecats · 28/06/2019 08:38

I would find that level of routine quite stifling, especially with two nights of his time devoted to people who, according to the OP, have tried to mess with their marriage!

As for the 'he's back by 9' comments - is that back, showered, engaged, chatty, or is it the sweaty dregs of someone who's spent all his social energy elsewhere?

I'm not anti socialising, obviously, but I'd personally find the whole picture a bit much, because I very much enjoy spending proper time with my husband (just the two of us), and one full day and one evening wouldn't be enough for me personally.

I'd actually prefer to have that Thursday evening than the Sunday though!