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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider present for dd's third birthday inappropriate

435 replies

MellyMum · 26/07/2007 16:00

My dd was 3 recently, she received loads of really nice pressies or money from older relatives - great! Thankyou notes have been sent already.
But I was pretty annoyed when she received her gift from dp's brother and partner, who also have kids. It was a card picked from save the children, informing us that for my dd's b/day a school uniform had been sent to a child who needs it.
I am all for donating money to charity, especially children's charity, if you can afford it, but to do it for a little girl's b/day strikes me as being fairly inappropriate and highly pretentious.
Also my dd is their only niece, as BIL's partner is an only. We are in regular contact, they have their own kids, so it's not as if they don't know what stage she's at or what she might like. Could they not have come up with something better for her rather than trying to make themselves feel good? AIBU?!

OP posts:
pointydog · 26/07/2007 17:20

Think I'll wait till it's out in paperback, belgo

bundle · 26/07/2007 17:20

aloha, our nursery helped with childcare on a few occasions (for clients' children - but as their needs are so v different from the rest of the children it was quite hard to do) during parents' sessions there.

FrannyandZooey · 26/07/2007 18:01

Ok, for my ds's 2nd Christmas, my mother bought him something in which he had no interest, which was completely pointless, which he has never used, which I had suggested was not the greatest idea, and which she wanted to buy purely to amuse herself. Was that "a real present"? I was peeved about it, tbh, and ds certainly isn't lacking for stuff, so I was reacting much the same as the OP on here.

But I don't think the OP's present is inappropriate for a 3 year old, and nor did the giver. Who decides what makes "a real present"?

FrannyandZooey · 26/07/2007 18:03

And my sister bought me a watch! I don't wear watches, haven't worn one for over 20 years, because I don't like the feel of them. I would have thought it reasonable that she might have known that. But she didn't. Was that "a real present"? I would rather have had the school uniform.

aloha · 26/07/2007 18:09

A 'real present' is something you actually receive yourself or actually give to the recipient, not something given to a totally different person. ie you can't say to your friend, 'Hi, for your birthday I've bought my gran some flowers. She's in hospital and I thought she'd like them' or 'DD, it's your birthday, so I've bought a doll and given it to someone else'.
The watch etc may not be a 'good' present or even an 'ok' present but it's certainly real. Sounds to me like you need to tell your family to donate to Oxfam instead of buying you presents btw! Everybody happy.
I might even say the same to my friends - ie if you want to do anything for Christmas, send a fiver to Save The Children and only buy something for the children. My friend (ds's godmother) is taking him to the theatre for his birthday. I think that's an excellent present. I encourage books/theatre etc. Will suggest zoo animal thing to my mum.

FrannyandZooey · 26/07/2007 18:13

Aloha, I think it's rude to suggest what they buy you unless they ask. And they never do.

I think a "real" present is something that some thought has gone into, maybe even that you have a chance of liking. A school uniform is more a real present to me than the watch.

But I think I am seeing the OP's point, in that it can be annoying to receive a present for your child or yourself that you consider inappropriate. We just disagree about what happens to be inappropriate in this case. Melly, if you think your dd would be happy about this present if you explained it to her, why are you annoyed about it? And why haven't you explained it to her?

HonoriaGlossop · 26/07/2007 18:15

Presents are a huge part of the magic of childhood. This was grandstanding, as Aloha said, on the part of the uncle. It would have been far, far more appropriate of him to ask for his presents to be this sort of thing, rather than 'give' it to a 3 year old.

The child will be introduced to the concepts of the inequality of wealth, and of charity and altruism and giving, and the pleasure that this gives, by the parents and when it's appropriate to the age and understanding of the child.

A three year old's birthday is not the time for this.

aloha · 26/07/2007 18:16

I don't think it is remotely rude to say casually, 'I've been looking at these brilliant Oxfam things. If you want to buy me a birthday or Christmas present, I'd love one of those.'
They buy for you anyway. I'm sure they would be very happy to get you what you want.

Roobie · 26/07/2007 18:17

Surely present giving is an act of generosity on the part of the donor for the benefit of the recipient. So they haven't given her a present at all have they, but rather made a smug gesture. I would feel miffed, not because dd didn't get another bit of plastic but because of the implication that they considered dd to be getting enough stuff and it was too much and unnecessarily decadent given the existence of less fortunate children.

SoupDragon · 26/07/2007 18:21

I bet your DD didn't notice she was one present short.

I think birthdays are one big horrific present-fest and, personally, I am appalled at the waste of money. My house is littered with discarded gifts which DSs have played with for 5minutes and then forgotten about.

FrannyandZooey · 26/07/2007 18:22

I don't know, Aloha. I presume that if you want to get something the person really wants, you ask them. If however you want the fun of choosing for them (and I often DO want this myself, it is often half the pleasure of giving a present) then you don't ask. I think it might be mean to say "oh I want this" to a person who hasn't asked and truly, doesn't want to know

Mungarra · 26/07/2007 18:23

Kids like getting presents and I think that these sorts of presents (unless requested by the recipient) are just a form of showing off. They should make their charitable donations more quietly and not force a 3 year old child to 'sacrifice' a present for something she doesn't understand.

Mungarra

aloha · 26/07/2007 18:27

I do take your point F&Z, but maybe they are desperate to know what to buy, having seen you never wear your lovely watch
You could be giving them a way out.
Maybe you could say, 'I've seen these Oxfam gifts and think they are just fab! I'd love to get one of those.' That's not asking, is it?

hatrickjacqueline · 26/07/2007 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FrannyandZooey · 26/07/2007 18:33

Aloha, you may be right

can't see why they wouldn't just ASK, though

my family not known for their shyness, in general

newgirl · 26/07/2007 18:34

YABU

i guess it was inside a card and your dd probably did not associate it with being a gift? if so then she probably did not mind at all

I would be hugely relieved not to have more stuff in the house and for a gift to go somewhere where it is really needed - i honestly think it is a fantastic idea

i guess if a child was upset or thrown by it you could just say 'what a lovely card' and move on to next thing!

3andnomore · 26/07/2007 18:35

Am with Franny here....

O.K. appreciated you felt it was unsuitable, etc...but it's kinda sad that people feel that way

FrannyandZooey · 26/07/2007 18:35
3andnomore · 26/07/2007 18:38

Franny, see, that is actually my plan, as most people in our family really don't want anyhting or need anything adn we can't buy big stuff anywya, so, I thought for X-mas I do the Oxfam thing and also give them all some homemade german X-mas bikkies, etc...

FrannyandZooey · 26/07/2007 18:40

My mother is crap at pretending to like presents when she doesn't really, and she was completely non-plussed

my one sister who is very sweet and makes me look like a nasty old poohead was so pleased she cried LOL

3andnomore · 26/07/2007 18:41

awww...lol...

Original poster
MellyMum · 26/07/2007 18:47

HatrickJ - who gave your dcs one of these gifts? A close relative.

I think some things come down to knowing the people involved in specific situations, and I can see how something like this is easy to defend if you don't know the people and you like donating to charity.

I'm happy if my BIL wants to give to charity but not if it's because he's thinking of giving to that INSTEAD OF to his niece. Because that is what it comes down to - they gave her gift to someone else.

OP posts:
hatrickjacqueline · 26/07/2007 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jammer · 26/07/2007 18:56

Hi Melly. I understand your point but do think YABU. Obviously, we dont' know the relationship you have with 'in laws' so this may be another thing to add to a list of grievances but IMO, it's a lovely present.

At christmas my DS, who is extremely close to my DD, had a tree planted for her (DD was 2y 7m at the time). when we explained it to her, she loved the idea and told everyone and anyone.

You may be surprised at your dd's reaction.

for my dd's 3rd birthday, i specifically asked close friends and some family that if they were wanting to give a gift, to please donate to a children's charity of their choice.

I think you are upset as maybe in some way you think DD has been deprived in some way but she got other presents and in this day and age, most children have way to many 'things', IMHO.

explain it to your DD and i'm guesing you'll be very surprised with the reaction you get!

Saturn74 · 26/07/2007 19:02

I think it is a lovely idea, but the buyer should have checked with the parents first.

And as the parents in this instance consider the gift to be "fairly inappropriate and highly pretentious", and state "could they not have come up with something better for her rather than trying to make themselves feel good?" it suggests a serious lack of communication, and a deep lack of understanding of the personalities involved.