to consider present for dd's third birthday inappropriate

[MellyMum]

My dd was 3 recently, she received loads of really nice pressies or money from older relatives - great! Thankyou notes have been sent already.
But I was pretty annoyed when she received her gift from dp's brother and partner, who also have kids. It was a card picked from save the children, informing us that for my dd's b/day a school uniform had been sent to a child who needs it.
I am all for donating money to charity, especially children's charity, if you can afford it, but to do it for a little girl's b/day strikes me as being fairly inappropriate and highly pretentious.
Also my dd is their only niece, as BIL's partner is an only. We are in regular contact, they have their own kids, so it's not as if they don't know what stage she's at or what she might like. Could they not have come up with something better for her rather than trying to make themselves feel good? AIBU?!

Well, I know a bit about not having money, on account of my mum never being able to afford anything other than a week on a caravan site with home made potato soup to eat when I was a kid (I'm not making this up, we often ran out of money for food). But she wouldn't have given my presents to other children!

And I think expecting a three year old to be grateful when they haven't actually been given anything is very unreasonable!

Good friend bought dd a birth certificate for a child in a developing world country for her first christmas (she was 3 months old)

I thougth it was a great present.

I care because of what it says about my BIL's intentions when he thought about getting my dd a b/day present, NOT because my dd missed out on one more present.

It is said that 'it is the thought that counts', and I do not believe that my dd was the one being thought about during this decision, it was her 3rd birthday! That is what has annoyed me not a lack of material things, the lack of thought about HER!

I would have preferred them to send her just a card, so we were all aware that a present for her wasn't forthcoming, and for them to donate as much as they liked to any charity, but not in the name of my dd's 3rd BIRTHDAY!

Aloha - I guess our childhoods are just influencing how we feel on this...fwiw we weren't awash with cash either, but my parents are staunch philanthropic Guardianista types and pretty much gave away all of our toys as it was

totally agree hatrick

but if he was thinking about her solely he would have surely sent somrthing - a present - just for her, and not something that was benefitting someone else. He can do that for his own good reasons. Her b/day was about her.

And as Cali...fudge says I will not be thanking them, or getting my dd to thank them for a present she didn't receive.
Perhaps they should seek thanks from save the children, but I'm sure they have had that profusely.

If they ask a 'thanks for the card' will suffice.

it does seem as though they are expectly a pat on the back for giving money. I also wouldn't thank them. I don't expect anybody to thank me if I donate to charity.

At least one aid worker of my acquaintance says that these charity 'gifts' aren't always that beneficial to the supposed recipients and it's certainly unlikely that the well-meaning donor's actual fiver buys an actual goat/bucket of water/chicken/garment for an actual individual.

And I think that unless you know the person to whom you are giving such a thing as a 'gift' would like it then buying such a thing is just being aself-righteous look-at-my-virtuousness wanker.

What has shortage of money got to do with it really? We're in that position ourselves but it's not what I'm complainig about.

Myself, DP, and DD were more than grateful for e/thing she got given, but as far I'm concerned she didn't get anything from my BIL!

I am not questioning the joy a charitable donation can bring to those it affects.

BUT is it really appropriate for an uncle to do this and not give his only niece anything for her 3rd b/day!

Anyway, presumably if they have children you will be returning the favour?

it's not that giving to charity is self righteous; it's the public way in which money is giving to charity that I find inappropiate - using a three year old's birthday to give to charity, when it doesn't have anything to do with the three year old.

yes hatrick, I think as you say it is different schools of thought.

And i still maintain that my dd's 3rd b/day was about her, they had every other day of the year to donate, including their own children's b/days if they are so inclined, but I can assure you that won't happen. Oh no, those days will be all about their DCs

hattrick - it's not the giving to charity that I find self-rightoues, it's the having to make a big deal out of it at someone else's expense.

I don't think she should say anything. They will probably take the moral high ground.

Have only read the OP, brilliant idea. No doubt your DD is drowning in a sea of plastic tat as a result of her birthday. And yet thanks to your DB's brilliant idea a needy child has benefitted.

sounds pretencious.
ok to do for adults, definately, but a 3 year old!