to consider present for dd's third birthday inappropriate

[MellyMum]

My dd was 3 recently, she received loads of really nice pressies or money from older relatives - great! Thankyou notes have been sent already.
But I was pretty annoyed when she received her gift from dp's brother and partner, who also have kids. It was a card picked from save the children, informing us that for my dd's b/day a school uniform had been sent to a child who needs it.
I am all for donating money to charity, especially children's charity, if you can afford it, but to do it for a little girl's b/day strikes me as being fairly inappropriate and highly pretentious.
Also my dd is their only niece, as BIL's partner is an only. We are in regular contact, they have their own kids, so it's not as if they don't know what stage she's at or what she might like. Could they not have come up with something better for her rather than trying to make themselves feel good? AIBU?!

tbh, who are we kidding...even at age 3 the blinking packages around the actual present and the xardboard boxes, still seem more interesting often, then the actual present...or are my children weirdy ones....(possible of course...)

oh, and aloha, would it really bother you if someone rather spend the fiver as a gift to the rspc then bringing a bottle of wine????
Tbh, when I invite people I invite them for the company, not so that they bring booze or soemthing, lol...

But she threw the card in the bin

My kids are still excited by cards and they're older than 3.

LittleBellatrixLeBoot,

I still think the present was inappropriate but my kids love cards, too. Especially, my younger ones. Makes them feel special.

Leaty, thing is, it's one thing to feel teh gift is inappropriate...it's a whole other thing to get yourself into such anger and whatever about it, isn't it....?

Hmmm,

I think you make a good point. While I still think it was inappropriate gift, I probably wouldn't give it more than a couple of seconds of thought.

Hatrick, things like that are, to me, luckily water off a ducks back....

Yes, it really would piss me right off if someone tried to pass off their own tight-fistedness as a charitable impulse...and boasted about it at the same time! I would look exactly like this:
I give to various charities. I don't expect totally random, unconnected people to swoon at my generosity for it! It's a private thing, something I do for various reasons - I want to do something for other people, I felt guilty and sad and tormented about various situations in the world and this helps assuage those feelings in a minor way, it makes me feel good. I don't pretend it is a gift to anyone but the recipient, and I certainly don't expect gratitude from the charities or the poor sods they help. Let alone from a totally unconnected three year old! It's like expecting my own children to be grateful because I bung the odd £20 to Save The Children. Why should they be? They love to put money in charity boxes and I always gently explain what the money is for, and I explain why we buy, say, fairtrade bananas & coffee, but I don't think that the fact that people are suffering in the world means they can't have a birthday present on one day a year!

And of course Mellymum has been forced to seem more annoyed than she originally was because of this thread.

BTW, it's not that I ever done that...I mean, give money to charity instead of a bottle of wine to a party (am far to fond of the sauce meself [red nosed drunkhead emoticon])

Actually, I am seriously considering asking friends to donate instead of giving me a present this year, and just give to the kids (books, theatre tickets, days out, ie: the usual non 'plastic tat' that, oddly enough, lots of people give to children)
My worry is that they will feel obliged to reciprocate.

Well,s she was annoyed enough to start the htread and yes, on the thread she has come across as not jsut not amused, but pissed off...some may think inappropriately pissed off

Good Lord is this still going on?

Mellymums DD would have recieved a donkey from Albania for Christmas and this thread would still be going on.

Also, Mellymum, you could, completely reasonably, say, 'I saw you made a donation on dd's birthday this year. Is that what you'd prefer we did for all the children from now on - ie make it a tradition?'
Maybe that's exactly what he wants.

So, aloha, you now say you would be to worried to ask for such gift, in case other people would feel under pressure....but if you give the gift like that unasked it's not right, neither
so, when is it approrpiate to ask or to give for/such a gift....is there an "etiquette"????

I don't think Mellymum was "forced to seem more annoyed". Once the issue was unravelled it became apparent that there were more underlying issues. She probably appears more annoyed because people have probed and she feels uncomfortable about looking so petty frankly because she decided the present wasn't appropriate without even giving her daughter the chance to judge for herself

Aloha, I think that is an excellent idea for mellymum to do....she would not loose face and would not look annoyed, she would just plitely inquire if that is what they consider the best way....

now, am just hoping that poor BIL says the right thing....lol...

Why are you rolling your eyes at me like that? it comes across as really rude.
It is a genuine dilemma. Some of my friends don't have children. They like getting presents themselves, and enjoy buying them. Am I being a total killjoy? I actually think On further thought, I think the best option is to simply say, 'please only buy for the kids' and donating to charity myself, tbh.

politely even

OK X-posted - your second post is much nicer!