To feel sorry for children always late for school

[Shootingstar1115]

I’m probably going to get slammed for this. I know parenting is hard and sometimes we all run a little late at times.

As a child I was always late for school. DM was absolutely terrible in the mornings. Wouldn’t get up early, we would never be given breakfast (usually biscuits or crisps in the car on the way). I hated walking in late every day. I never got used to it. Felt like all eyes were on me and the teachers would get annoyed. I wasn’t able to walk as the school was quite far away. I still very much like this now. It’s turned me into an extremely punctual person.

Every day after taking DS to school and DD over to the pre school I see the same parents walking towards the school by this point 15 minutes after it first started and they aren’t rushing either.

We live in a village where most people live no further than a 5 minute walk away from the school. It’s a small place and most people walk (other than the few who live in the surrounding areas).

I just feel sorry for the kids being ushered in so late in the morning. It’s the same parents every single day!! It reminds me of my childhood and now being late every day made me extremely anxious. Even at secondary school I’d be late every day. I didn’t live far enough away to get a bus in but it was too far to walk. I’d be sat in the car resdy waiting for DM to get in the car.

The school have sent home letters and everything about it.

Do some people just not give a crap??

[lululatetotheparty]

I also had a mother who didn't get me to school on time.... and I get very anxious now if I am not on time and preferably early to anything. I feel for those children too... and can see it is the same families... some who do have issues though which I am sympathetic to.

[AravisQueenOfArchenland]

Ds was bullied last term (now resolved), to the point he cried and refused to go to school, and I do think it's made him harder to get ready (which I wouldn't have thought possible). Lots of "I have a sore tummy", I need to pee (x10), stamping his feet and refusing to get a shower.

There was one day we both had colds, fell asleep watching a movie about 7pm, my phone died and alarm didn't go off, 100% my fault, but I kept him off rather than have him go in over an hour late (his attendence is good), and I wonder if that's made him think if he stalls long enough, will I let him have the day off again? He knows "I don't want to go to school" won't wash, but his trying to delay the inevitable is causing me so much stress. At least I get him to school everyday (minus that one!), even if I have had to practically drag him at times.

[ssd]

I knew someone like that and the parent didn't even bloody work, still doesn't. I don't get it.

[SnagAndChips]

I was always the late kid- no reason other than my mother being chronically disorganised. She never learned to drive, so no traffic problems, just could not be anywhere on time.

from age 6 I walked 1.75 miles to school and just joined the other kids. From then on I took myself to school (well assuming my uniform was dry as she often only thought about washing it on Sunday evening.).
It is mortifying to be that kid- everyone makes a judgement.
I am now always early for everything.

I always feel sorry for the kids who live on the same street as our school but are running out the door after the bell has gone. Same ones every day.

[twoshedsjackson]

Being close to the school can, oddly, make the problem worse; many years ago, I worked in an ILEA school, standard design all over London, with the caretaker's house actually in the school grounds.
The caretaker's daughter, a lovely girl in every other way, was late nearly every morning! She could literally look across the playground from her bedroom window to the main school building, and I think that was the problem,; she couldn't factor in those few minutes it took to actually walk across the playground.
Another mother (another school) tried to blame traffic until I pointed out that I came in the same direction, and had had no problems that morning. (There was a particular bottleneck on our route, and I factored that into my estimated journey time, rather than how long it took when sailing through on a Sunday......)
Of course there are extenuating circumstances, crises arise in the best-regulated households, cars can have mechanical problems, but this was a SAHM with a NT son. The long-term effect, sadly, that he was ever so slightly "out of it" socially, because he was never around for the pre-school "chin-wag" (nice phrase from PP's son!) and, although they were a nice class, who would never do anything as nasty as cold-shouldering, he just wasn't there to be taken into the reckoning socially.

[Aus84]

My DC have morning sport classes, the school have them marked down as an out of school learning activity as it's vocational. I wonder if we get judged every day...

[HJWT]

@Shootingstar1115 we send DD to a nursery near my DM so I can help her out when she goes (dm is disabled) its a 30 minute drive with traffic and I still get there 10 minutes early! But yet some parents are always running in when I leave (its attached to a school) I just don't understand how they can always be running late 🤦🏻‍♀️

[AravisQueenOfArchenland]

Billballbaggins

I'm finding lately that the closer it gets to the time he knows we have to leave, the more he faffs and messes about. So he can be sitting ready to go, while I brush my own teeth or stick my hair up, then he'll decide he needs the loo or whatever (which usually ends in me watching the minutes tick by and eventually shouting what are you doing?! and having to go make sure he's washed his hands/). I tried letting him be more independent but it was a disaster (in the mornings at least).

[AravisQueenOfArchenland]

*washed his hands/hasn't got hand soap all over himself/soaked himself)

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

There are some families like this at DD's school. On a Wednesday I go a different way home as I do the food shopping so go via the supermarket. Every single Wednesday as I'm driving along, a good mile and a half-ish from school, about 9am I pass the same mum with a boy in DDs class, pootling along not a care in the world, when school started at 8.50. DD says this boy is really late every single day. I KNOW his mum can get him there on time as on the odd occasion there has been a school trip, he's there waiting in the playground with everyone else.

There are some others too, one mum always arrives and parks up as everyone else is starting to drive away.

Me and my sister were always the late kids, always the last to be picked up. This was back in the day of kids being let out willy nilly rather than handed to parents so we were waiting completely alone. On one occasion there was a huge thunderstorm and we had to shelter under a tree from the solid wall of rain. Mum swears blind this was the only occasion she was late picking us up More like it's the one she remembers clearly because we were absolutely soaking wet through by the time she eventually arrived.

[AravisQueenOfArchenland]

My dad can be very like this. If we're in the car about to go, and he has to run in for something, he'll be an age, every time but I never know what he's doing all that time? How long does it take to pee, wash your hands, and grab the glasses you set down to wipe your face??

[Helix1244]

We are not late but i would definitely be earlier if they opened the doors earlier. They only open when they can go in.
Dc also has likely sen and wont get ready im still dressing them because they wont get dressed constantly distracted. I have to micro manage every step and then comes the suntan lotion (tears)

[GreenLea]

A regular occurrence...it's neglect and I absolutely judge parents who neglect their kids.

This thread has been a real eye opener for me. I cannot even say how I feel about statements like this.

Try dealing with a 10-year old high functioning ASD child...

• that refuses to get out of bed due to high school anxiety levels,
  

• that is mentally incapable of washing themselves most mornings, but shouts when you try to help and also shouts when you back off as you 'don't care',
  
• that cannot get dressed themselves, but doesn't want help as you are 'torturing' them,
  
• that shouts, throws stuff and runs out of the room when you try to comb their hair, put on sun cream etc.,
  
• that will not eat breakfast, ever! In our desperation we have offered cakes, biscuits etc, but I assume that this too makes us 'neglectful' parents?
  
• that wants to start discussing their problems, favourite video game etc. instead of getting ready and when you point out that there is no time for detailed discussions (but that you can talk about it in the car or upon pick-up) has a meltdown,
  
• that often will simply refuse to leave the house, get into the car or when already in the car jump out again...
  

Plus the school is at the opposite side of a big city and it can easily take 45 mins to get there and more on days when there are traffic jams.

Most people will not see what we go through most mornings, apart from our neighbours who can hear all of the shouting, banging etc.

The parents at the school gate will simply see the child (that is high achieving and well-behaved at school) with the clearly 'neglectful' parents be late yet again...

[Bluerussian]

My son was nearly always late for school except if his father was at home. I had no end of trouble getting him up and ready. In the end I gave up. As he got older he developed a way of sneaking into school unseen and registering his attendance while others were still in Assembly, so looked as though he'd been at school for ages. He could have got an A* in skiving! However he's done very well so it doesn't matter now.

[formerbabe]

@GreenLea

Ffs, no one is talking about children with special needs or medical conditions.

[gamerchick]

I'm sure I was judged when youngest was a primary, however his ASD meant he couldn't cope with the hustle and bustle of going in with the other kids so they made allowences. Him going in happy meant a happy day with him.

Not what you meant of course OP.

[AravisQueenOfArchenland]

My dad was always late picking us up. Every time. 20 minutes plus. We were always on time for school, but the constant waiting to be picked up used to drive me nuts. I always try my hardest to pick ds up on time, and have only been late a handful of times over the years.

[Hairyheadphones]

Ffs, no one is talking about children with special needs or medical conditions.

Often these conditions are invisible. Most parents who judge me for taking DS in late aren’t aware he has SEN or a serious medical condition as he doesn’t look sick or
disabled.

[EarlGreyOfTwinings]

Of course YANBU

The school is aware when a parent go stuck with 2 school runs to 2 different drop in, or is working night shift and just run to the school a few minutes late.

Most of the being-late brigade has no excuse. Of course get up 5 or 10 minutes earlier! If you are late EVERY SINGLE DAY by 10 minutes, you can just shift the time you leave the house! It's not that difficult.

I really feel sorry for primary school kids, who have no say and are the ones being penalised. It's not fair to force them to start a day stressed, pushed and rushed around. I especially judge the ones with mothers caked in make-up which they clearly found time to do instead of bringing their kids to school on time.

None of us like to get up at 6 am (or much earlier), but we do it because we have a house to run and kids to get ready.

[GreenLea]

Ffs, no one is talking about children with special needs or medical conditions.

Many special needs and medical conditions are hidden...this is why it is wrong to make such judgements about parents.

[Lizzie3869]

My DD1 (10) has SEN and adoption related attachment issues. She engineers a delay at least one day a week, with a meltdown/messing around and being generally awkward. She's currently being assessed for an EHCP. It's really difficult and I feel really sorry for DD2 (7), who hates being late. (We're only a few minutes late mostly.)

Try not to judge. It might be parental neglect in some instances, but for some of us it can be a terrible struggle in the morning.

[GreenLea]

Cross post with Hairy

[Sceptre86]

Yanbu. I accept that if a child has some form of sn then it may well be difficult to get them ready in the morning and at school on time. In this type of situation it is great if the school are flexible and willing to make reasonable allowances.

What isn't ok is when it is the same parents dropping their kids to school late all the time and doing so without a care in the world ie. No urgency. This doesn't set a good precedent for the kids in the future and whilst primary school might turn a blind eye, secondary schools might not and work definitely not. In my opinion it sends the wrong message to kids, time keeping is an important skill to learn. I find it annoying when people say don't judge, in this situation I definitely do. A neighbour of one of my auntie's mentioned to the other that her kids were always late to school, she didn't want to be seen as interfering. This prompted my mum to check on her sister who was having an episode ( bipolar) and get her the support she needed whilst getting her kids to school on time. As some posters have said some kids won't give a crap about being late for school whilst others will even into adulthood.

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't affect you, just a shame for kids to be late all the time.

[formerbabe]

Well I certainly don't believe all children who are late for school have sn...many just have useless parents, like the child I was describing who is on time for school now she is old enough to walk by herself.

[wigglyspots]

Now that you're an adult and a parent, I'd like to think you have some insight into how challenging it can be to parent?

My mom stopped getting up to take us to school when I turned 7 years old. I was in charge of getting myself and my two younger sisters up, washed, dressed and eat breakfast and to school. We were never late but I resented her for years and assumed she didn't care and was lazy.

I now realise that my mother was suffering from depression (possibly undiagnosed pnd) and also grieving for two of my siblings that had died aged 12months and 14months old. My mom loved us, we were never hungry the house was warm and we had clean clothes.

There's always a story behind kids being absent or late for school

Thank you for being understanding.

Some "repeat offenders" aren't lazy, and it's not that we don't give a fuck. It could be that things are a struggle at home, for one reason or another.

My DC are often late as I'm often late. I have ADHD and DP is in poor health - sometimes he's functional, a lot of the time he's not, so he can't always help.

I am struggling carrying everything with him not being well. My ADHD means being organised and on time is something I really find tough. On the days DP is too ill to drive them, we're often late. (I don't drive). It's not that I don't care. It's that things are a bit shit and I'm struggling.

Kids always have a healthy breakfast, they're loved and well cared for. I know my youngest especially hates being late. I keep trying to improve things, hopefully we'll get there.